Susan B Clarke

I am on my way to Oakland for our annual two days with my Table Group colleagues.  I enjoy these days; however, this time I am coming off an intense weekend of celebrating the birthdays of two of my mentors and the passing of a very dear friend.  It seems appropriate to write as a make my way from Gabriola down to Oakland via Vancouver and Seattle.  My eyes are tired from the tears that flowed today as many old and new friends gathered in the lodge and later in Phoenix to say goodbye to Dianne.  My heart is full from Saturday’s birthday celebration of Ben Wong (80) and Maria Gomori (90).  Ben is the man behind The Haven and pretty much everything I have learned about being human.  Maria, (90), is a force of nature who’s life spans everything from wild escapes from death marches in Hungary to career changes that include being a high-level political economist in Hungary to human psychologist in Winnipeg, a world traveling facilitator who still runs workshops that go from early morning to late in the evening.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to make the birthday celebrations.  The dates were tricky, and I was already booked before and after.  However, when Dianne died and the news spread that there was going to be a ceremony for her as well on the weekend, I knew I had to come.

What was most amazing was the people who gathered.  Many were faces from much earlier in my life.  People who I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years, all returning because one of these three masters had so deeply touched or transformed their lives that they wanted to come and celebrate.

The birthdays were special simply in the recognition that there on the stage sat 170 years of experience.  Jock in his purposeful, strategic way had planned an interview of the pair.  He had a vision and with commitment and drama – took us with him. However, I believe in the end, the masters steered us off in other directions: Ben, with his wonderful wit and provocative wisdom, and Maria, with her own agenda to make sure this was really about Ben (and Jock) and just how they had saved her life so many times.  I am not sure if things went as Jock imagined, but I believe what he intended was delivered.  We all were captured by the stories and the deeper messages about the importance of freedom, integrity and in the end, human connection.

The evening was musical, poetic and spanned between the East and the West.  It was Haven at it’s finest.

Sunday bought a different flavor to the day, as this was a gathering to celebrate not a birthday but a passing.  This time not quite choreographed, planned and directed.  But once we gathered and Dianne’s family joined her extended family of friends, those who agreed to guide the flow of feelings, demonstrated the grace of The Haven in yet another way.  Much like a Come Alive, there was just enough structure and thought to bring the day to life.  The circle was powerful and a wonderful way for each of us to speak and let our loving of Dianne flow through songs, stories, tears, poems, laughter and hugs.  Dianne would have loved it!

I didn’t know how important it was for me personally until a young guy commented at the tightness in my shoulders.  He noticed that my shoulders were slowly rising towards my ears and was willing to check out his story with me. He thought may be something was wrong.  I knew in that moment I was doing what I can do so well, shutting down the feelings and detaching just a bit from my heart.  His comments were very early in the day and left me with plenty of time to make a different choice.  I took a breath because I knew wanted to feel.

Now, sitting on the plane my eyes are quite tired from the many tears I let flow.  I am quite full from the weekend and not quite sure how I will be able to transition to tomorrow’s focus.  Right now though, I am full and grateful once again for The Haven, my friends, my family and all that I learn when I am willing to show up, open my heart, breath and trust.

As I have mentioned before, I grew up biking. When I was five I got my first ‘real’ bike. It’s what is called a low rider these days; back than I believe it was referred to as a Sting Ray bike. I didn’t have any gears but I still believed I could go up any hill and though I probably never took on any mountains I imagine I was good at the hills even back then.

I wouldn’t really call myself a biker. Over the years I have used my bike to commute to work. I’ve enjoyed mountain biking, road riding and just cruising around beach towns. I currently have three bikes, a road bike, a mountain bike and a hybrid (that one is staying on Gabriola for now). Still I am not as serious about biking as my Dad.

This summer though I have learned some interesting things about myself while biking. The most interesting thing as been my relationship to climbing. I love going uphill. Apparently I smile when I start up a major incline. When I first heard this I thought may be it was more of a grimace than a smile, but after getting feedback from a number of folks and checking in I realize I enjoy taking on a mountain.

Some of it is that I have learned over the years how to shift gears and position myself into a good climbing gear. I like enough tension so I can rise up off my seat for some good leg work and seat back down keeping a good steady accent.

I’m not particularly fast; however, I am consistent. I like breathing hard and feeling a bit of strain in my legs. I love reaching the top and feeling that sense of accomplishment when the climb has been significant.

Oddly though I don’t like going down. It’s okay. I am generally not fearful but just don’t seem to get the same joy cruising down as I do pedaling up.

Being here in Montana with many great climbs right close to home, I have had the chance to give this lots of thought. Since I believe; ‘how you do anything is how you do everything’ , I am curious about my relationship to mountains and how that might apply to my life.

It’s true, I sort of do my best when I am facing difficult odds. There are many examples of this through my life. Back when I took on tennis, I excelled naturally and was quite good. I could coast and generally win with ease. However, I found myself much more interested in basketball. I wasn’t very good at basketball, but I was determined. Tennis, like downhills was okay, even fun. But basketball, I loved, though it was far from natural. I probably was working harder than anyone else, surprised everyone by making the team and was best known for my scrappy, not graceful defense. I attacked basketball just like riding up a mountain. Not great, but very consistent, tenacious and always smiling.

Then there’s the whole cancer challenge. In many ways I found life easier facing down chemo, or radiation than dealing with colds and flu.

There are many other examples, like our work. I, for years, enjoyed working with the hardest, most dysfunctional teams. I always found that easier than a team that was doing okay but not great. Related to work, I started to get rethink this approach a while back and put a lot of effort into not having to do crisis work but finding the joy and challenge in making a good team, great.

Still I wonder. I imagine life could be more like coasting downhill and yet I’m not sure I would be satisfied with that. Maybe the Croatia coastline was the perfect blend of up and down. No mountains but some great climbs and it seemed over there I did let myself love the downhill, mainly because the views were awesome.

I definitely am comfortable when I am climbing. I know what to do and how to pace myself. May be I am not so good at coasting. I feel sort awkward not pedaling or not doing anything but steering. Plus it is so easy to lose control on the downhill. May be I am just a touch afraid of letting go. Still when I turned fifty many people said, “it’s all downhill from here”.

I have faced and climbed enough mountains. I do believe it is time to really learn to enjoy coasting on the downhill or at least riding the perfect coastline and letting myself enjoy the views!!

This summer in Croatia there were a few major climbs.

Today my good friend Dianne passed away. I got a call about her death just after finishing a yoga class. I cried, laughed, cried and laughed. I wondered about my response, judging myself for feeling such joy and laughter just after hearing she had died. But as I sat and started thinking about Dianne and our many moments together I knew that really the tears were just for me knowing I would miss my friend and the laughter was my joy that she was free at last.

Of course I am sad that Dianne is gone and I will miss her laughter and physical presence the next time I am at The Haven for a Come Alive or any other program. However, Dianne has been struggling in her physical body for a long time and today I had a moment when I thought for sure I could hear her laughing and playing somewhere out there; as light as a feather and without a care in the world.

For me, Dianne was such an interesting person. She in many ways was one of the most grounded, direct and straight-shooting people I have known. I could call her up and start telling her some saga in my life and she could quickly call me on all the many blocks and screens I might toss out there to avoid looking at my own stuff. She could do that with me and she could do that with pretty much anyone who showed up in a group, defended, resistant or overly self-involved. There she was this over-weight, quite unhealthy woman; who was brilliant with group process and making contact with those folks who most would have given up on. Even the last time I saw her and she wasn’t even able to get out of her chair, I found myself just loving talking with her. It was easy to connect.

Sure I was annoyed that she never took care of her own health and that she loved reading much more than walking. I was furious that she would eat cake and too much food yet I still loved Dianne. Her body was always a paradox for me. There she was doing just about everything she could to kill herself and yet her inner world, her spirit was something truly special, a gift for all who were willing to deal with the paradox and get to know Dianne in spite of the war- zone that represented her body.

Even as I write this I feel badly saying negative things about her body. However, that’s just it – she was such a paradox. I loved her deeply and over the years wrestled with how to stay connected even though I had judgments and didn’t like the way she took care of herself. Still I loved it when she was in a group with me either as a participant, an assistant or a leader. I loved working with her. She could be brilliant and many, many times she reminded me why I loved The Haven, the work and what really mattered. Dianne was the essence of the Velveteen Rabbit – she was worn and torn, the stuffing was coming out but she was REAL and she was LOVED!!

Today I imagine much like the story of The Velveteen Rabbit – Dianne is able to jump, leap and let her spirit soar!!

Lance Armstrong doesn’t believe he should be part of any ‘witch hunt’ type investigation of illegal doping because – “I have done too many good things”. Wow! I might have bought that a witch hunt is simply not a valuable use of time and money, but his argument seems to be that he is somehow above being investigated.

As I read on in the USA Today article there were concerns from others that if Lance is found guilty this could cause deep distress and possible setbacks for cancer survivors who have been inspired by Lance. Again this is the most ridiculous defense in my opinion. First if Lance was illegally doping to win bike races well he should be identified as such. But illegally doping had nothing to do with him overcoming cancer. The two are not related. It is almost as though he and his legal team are using surviving cancer and doing good deeds as a reason to let him off the hook.

Lance Armstrong used his story and his image to inspire people. That’s great. Of course I will be sad if in months ahead the evidence against Lance paints a story that indicates he was illegally doping. But I would not be surprised. Let’s face the world of sports is filled with heroes that have fallen because of these type of charges.

Still the Live Strong campaign was not about winning bike races. Yes it was likely successful because Lance Armstrong put his face on the program. And Lance’s cancer story makes the news because of his bike racing. But anyone who survives cancer, I believe, is inspired by the story not because of winning bike races, but because someone else lived, battled and got reengaged in life after cancer. That part of the story will not change even if Lance is guilty of illegal doping.

Also all the people who invested either their money, their time or their story into the Live Strong campaign were not supporting bike racing or Lance, they were fighting cancer. That has nothing to do with these doping charges. The fact he has bought that into the picture is what makes me angry and less confident in Lance.

The odd part about doping is that we are the ones who make winning so important. We pay tons of money and put athletes up on high pedestals and then wonder why someone takes an illegal substance to stay on top. When we make superheroes out of mortal men and women we are setting them and ourselves up for a fall.

I don’t want to make excuses for Lance Armstrong. I don’t even care if he is investigated or not. However, I don’t like that he is playing the cancer card and a few good deeds to get out of the fallen heroes spotlight. Lance, man up. If you are innocent great and if you are not, well you are just not any different than other humans – you make mistakes.

I still believe in Live Strong and will no matter what happens to Lance Armstrong. I would simply wish he would live up to his own tagline – Live Strong – don’t hide behind a few good deeds and pull a cancer card to get out of being investigated – that is not Living Strong!!

With Canada Day just passed and the Fourth of July tomorrow, my thoughts are on fireworks, patriotism and turkeys.  Okay so if this were an SAT question about which word doesn’t fit I am sure you could guess, turkeys.  However, every year at this time, the wild turkeys that roam around our yard have there little turkeys.  Usually not a huge issue, but this year Bailey is not quite as smart about the turkeys as Sooke and is going after the little guys.  Now anyone who knows turkeys can guess the real concern here is not for the babies, but Bailey.  Wild turkeys are serious about protecting their young. So far we have been able to keep any harm from happening.  But any love I had for the wild turkeys is long gone.  I just want them somewhere else.  

Besides dealing with Bailey and the turkey issue, this is also the first year Bailey has been around for the fireworks.  Here in Montana, fireworks are like guns, everyone is sending them off.  So it gets loud and starts well before the 4th.  I am guessing there is some law that encourages ( I say encourages because it is not that effective) folks to wait until the 4th for the big stuff.  So far the occasional pops are causing Bailey to bark and get a bit alarmed so I imagine the 4th might be a long night.

We don’t usual go anywhere.  Our outdoor fire pit area provides an excellent view of the the various displays and a small circle of friends is much more appealing to me than the crowds and parties down by the lake.

This is the biggest weekend for tourist in our area.  It officially marks the opening of Glazier National Park’s Going to the Sun Road and folks start flocking to the park and the lakes that make this area very special.  For me it is the first summer I will be here. The last couple years I was heading off to Gabriola for the Phase.  I am excited about being home for what’s considered our best months and hopefully getting out to discover some off-road adventures.

I feel very fortunate to have two great nations to call home.  On Canada Day I was a part of a wonderful event at the Green Tea House.  The event was a fundraiser for a Peace Garden.  It was very successful and seemed a perfect marker for me to celebrate Canada.  I do think of Canada as a peaceful nation. I doubt many there realized the importance of the date. But Canada has always seemed to like to keep a low profile, so that fits.

Not so with the USA.  Our holidays are big and generally known well beyond our borders.  Sure sometimes the narcissism and  grandiosity is a bit much and I am grateful to live here even with all the issues and controversy.  

I am definitely of two nations and enjoy the opportunity to celebrate each during this first week of July!  

Now back to turkey patrol.  

It’s been a while. I am back now from Croatia and been quite busy with work and other things back here in Montana. I realized over the weekend that since my Dad’s 90th I have basically been traveling. I spent the month of May on Gabriola leading the Phase, got back for a day or so and was than off to Croatia. Came back from that and headed into class here for a couple days, took a trip to Columbus, Ohio to work with a client and over the weekend drove to and from Spokane on Sat. to get the chance to see my cousin from South Carolina for a few hours. Everything has been great but I am realizing with so many significant events happening I have had very little time to integrate, write or fully absorb any one of these events. The good part is that I believe I was pretty present so I know I let things in and I believe there is still a time of integration that needs to occur.

Last night I went with some friends to hear Susan Gipson, a singer and song writer play at an outdoor pavilion just outside of Whitefish. Gipson wrote the Dixie Chick’s song, Wide Open Spaces – one of my favorites. She was awesome, a great storyteller and song writer. Her songs were clearly like my blogs, a path for her to integrate life events and share them with the world.

With so much happening I feel like I haven’t been doing the sharing part. Like I missed writing about the wonderful guides we had on our trip. These two Croatian guides, Marko and Matej were sort of opposites in personality but together they delivered such a rich passion, history and love of their country that I came away wanting to tell others about the people and the place. Than there’s the World Cup, what an amazing event, it’s not just about soccer. My favorite story was the grandmother’s South Africa soccer league. These woman started playing when many couldn’t walk and they definitely were not suppose to be out in shorts and sneakers. People laughed at them. But this league changed the lives and health of many of the women. Love stories like that.

Here’s hoping I can find the time to integrate and write some blogs that let be share some of the special time. I am not always good at slowing down. Especially with so many exciting things do. But listening to Susan Gipson last night just reminded me of the value of finding a path to share the story – not just live it!!

Today I am 50. I woke up feeling an amazing amount of grateful for my life. Sure it helps that I am in Croatia on an awesome bike touring experience with the love of my life, good friends and some great new friends. Yes the experience of testing myself during the day on the ‘rolling hills’ here on the islands, and seeing breathtaking views while flying downhill, probably has something to do with a very high gratitude meter.

Today has been perfect. The first part of the day was beautiful and the ride relatively easy and fun. Then three of us added an additional challenge by taking the long way back – basically over the mountain. It was awesome. By the end of the day I had ridden every kilometer possible for my touring experience. I definitely felt like I lived up to my ‘muchness’. Indeed life is good. Now we have a few extra days to unwind here in Hvar.

Though I am fortunate to be here in this place I also know my gratitude meter is high because I do believe I am living my best life. I have a relationship that is excites me, challenges me, provides me the opportunity to support, is filled with aliveness and learning. I live in a beautiful place in a home that is surrounded by color with animals that are friendly and fill the place with life. I get to work with my partner and I do believe we change the world sometimes with what we do. I have great friends and family to dialogue with and share in awesome experiences. Yes that is so much to be grateful for today. I don’t feel old, I feel fulfilled and ready for more! Yes it is worth celebrating life!

Jim and Renee arrived yesterday to join us on our big adventure. In honor of my birthday they created wonderful riding shirts for each of us. They had planned these shirts with my birthday in mind but instead of simply focusing on me the shirts broadcast ‘celebrating life’. I personally think everyone else on the trip will be wanting one. They are great.

As always when we get together we started chatting about everything and my latest blog on ‘muchness’ came up. The concept was one that we all agreed was important especially in relationship to our trip and celebrating life. As we talked we realized life can as easily become about ”shouldness’ as much as ‘muchness’ and that the real challenge is to recognize when that occurs and do something about it.

Most of us lose our ‘muchness’ when we get to caught up in the ‘shoulds’ and the obligations of life. It is easy to do. Whether it is a passion that becomes a job and suddenly instead of taking risks and learning the job becomes routine and lifeless. Or a relationship that slowly becomes more about doing what’s predictable and safe whether than what is desired and may cause conflict or tension. We all make these decisions and choices and though many seem small and not that serious over time result in a lose of our ‘muchness’ in exchange for ‘shouldness’.

It is what I like about being with friends like Jim and Renee. Together we talk about these things and confront each other around our patterns. Sure sometimes it can be uncomfortable. That is the problem with living with ‘muchness’, it can create some anxiety and tension. Instead of predictable I am in the moment and may not do what everyone expects and thinks is ‘right’. Now when each of us is living that way, there is more potential for differences and conflicts. However, there is also more newness and possibility. So if I am willing to stay in that uncertainty and tension there is an aliveness and freshness to life that is definitely worth celebrating!

I look forward to discovering over these next few days as we travel together, where am I living my ‘shouldness’ and how can I recapture my ‘muchness’ and celebrate life by more fully engaging. This is a wonderful opportunity to discover and commit to the next part of my journey and be clear that it is not the ‘shoulds’ that my life reflects but instead all the possibilities, i.e. my ‘muchness’.

I love the part of the new Alice & Wonderland when the Hatter says to Alice that she has lost her ‘muchness’ . Ever since I saw the show that has stuck with me. When I have been a touch fearful or anxious I remind myself to sink into my ‘muchness”.

Today I am off on my great 50th birthday adventure. The planning started for this many months ago when I shared with CrisMarie that’d love to go on a European bike tour for my birthday. A good friend had once recommended doing something special for the major birthdays and 50 seemed like a big one. From there the travel planning took on a life on it’s on with various recommendations and numerous chats with our friends Jim and Renee who will be traveling with us. We finally decided on Croatia’s Dalmatian Coast and Vermont Biking Tours.

Now I am sitting on the plane heading to Frankfurt watching Alice in Wonderland. How perfect! I feel a bit like Alice, off on my great adventure. Now I just want to stay in touch with my own ‘muchness’.

I would really like to enjoy and relax into this trip. The challenge is having spent so much time planning and imagining it is easy to have lots of expectations. In general I think it is great dream, imagine and script what I want. However, there’s also the important part of letting go of those expectations once the moment arrives and being fully present.

Now the trip is here and I want to live it fully! I want to tap into my ‘muchness’ and have a blast!

I am on my way home.  Back in the Alaska Boardroom on the last leg of my trip.  Indeed I will be thrilled meeting CrisMarie, Sooke and Bailey tonight and sleeping in my own bed again.  The month at The Haven has once again been rich and fulfilling.  This morning as we shared our last circle together and I had a chance to look around and reflect on my connections with each of my follow travelers, I forgot about the hard parts and the moments when I had wished to be home.  Instead I felt touched and honored to have witnessed transformation.

I am soon leaving again, this time to celebrate my 50th birthday biking in Croatia.  I realized today as I was thinking about turning 50, that I have now spent over half my life involved in programs and transformation at The Haven.  I believe it was a May Come Alive that launched me on my journey many, many years ago. At that time I didn’t even think I would make it to 25 – much less 50!  However, here I am turning 50 and though I will be officially celebrating in June, it seems right to have had a month at The Haven testing my aliveness and remembering what turned my life around back then and still keeps inspiring me.

It’s really pretty simple.  People.  The power of two or more human beings opening and revealing themselves to each other – the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful moments of realness that happens over and over in the Haven session rooms.  I did have a few times in the past month when I wondered why I still keep coming.  I questioned my ability to be like others had been for me – a mentor, a guide, personal and authentic.  I caught myself putting up some walls and disengaging.  And I called myself out, challenged myself to make a choice – to risk, have some faith and trust the process.  Much like the Grinch – my heart grew three or four times in size throughout a given day.

This time around I discovered the joy in developing a longer more intimate relationship with my co-leader.  We have been doing enough together now that we have a way of working together that is getting smooth and connected.  We can laugh, cry and clear things up.  We know when the other is tightening and are willing to say something and hold each accountable to the task of staying present, curious and open.

I was touched when Carole pulled out a poem I had written after an earlier Phase and wanted to use it in our closing circle.  Myself I had let the words go with the closing song over a year ago and when we read it again I was very glad she had kept it alive.

Sometimes writing is the easiest way for me to freely share my heart. Sometimes it’s a poem about some touching raw moment and sometimes it’s blog.

I am grateful.  For The Haven,  for each of the many lives that have touched my own over the years and for myself for sticking with it!!