Life Experiences

Post Phase

I find myself in the transition between being fully engaged in the Phase program at The Haven and re-engaging in my life back in Montana. I thought writing might help. Yet the words are not flowing and I don’t seem to have any focus.

I did go to yoga this morning. Was the first time I have been to an actual class for a while. Was great! I believe my ‘home’ practice though not as long or as intense has actually helped with my flexibility and alignment. I enjoyed the class and left committed to making the effort to go more frequently.

Now I sit trying to find the same flow in returning to my blog. I had intended to write more while at The Phase. However, between getting engaged with the group and finding time for biking, breathing and walking with Carole – I found yoga easier to maintain than blogging.

Maybe that is why today’s yoga class came easier then posting a new blog. I do want to get back to a regular online rhythm.

The Phase was awesome. We had a good group. As always there were some challenging moments. Yet on our last morning together I realized I felt a warm and rich connection with each of folks who had been on the journey.

For a month I had allowed myself to become fully engaged and the lives of the Phase folks My focus was on creating a space for exploration, discovering and learning. Indeed the work is rewarding. I do believe the experience was/is transformative for some and I always learn a great deal about myself and my level of aliveness. This year was no different.

Coming back home though can at times be a bit rocky. There isn’t as much structure to my world in Montana. Meals come at different times and instead of the choices being laid out in front of me, I am the one preparing what I want to eat. There are no set time to be in the office or writing blogs. There is a schedule to possible yoga classes which again may be the pull to downward dog and not blog posting.

I don’t like to think of myself as someone who ‘needs’ structure. However, being on Gabriola often reminds me of the creative possibilities that come from a framework.

May be it’s okay to take a few days to find my way back into my world. Taking it easy and finding simple ways to re-connect and trust that I will get through the transition.

In the mean time there’s always a hockey game (yes – I became a Canucks fan while on Gabriola) and a scheduled yoga class or two that will provide a path. Soon may be my blogs will provide deeper messages or at least be posted more regularly.

Communication, Connecting, Connection

Back From The Edge

We just returned from Part II of the Couples Alive series, The Edge, at The Haven Institute in BC, Canada. In addition to being a part of the design team and leaders of the Couples Alive series, we are also committing to taking each part of the four part series as a way to deepen our relationship and ‘walk our talk’ so to speak.

I found the trip to The Edge quite enlightening. By saying that, I am not saying it was easy.

When we created the design for Couples Alive II, The Edge, we had talked about the idea of creating experiences that first allowed people to visit their own edges and then meet as a couple at the edge. That all sounds good, but it wasn’t until I found myself spiraling down into an OLD family of origin hole that I realized just how successful we had been at finding a good way to get people right to an edge. I won’t say I enjoyed revisiting the past; however, it was a great way to see how my ‘story’ of the past still influences and plays into my current relationships.

It was also amazing to get the opportunity to understand how our histories meet at times for a somewhat wild ride in the present.

Of course, for each of us, the edge can be quite different. There’s the situations from our own life experiences that can bring us to the edge and there’s the tension that occurs in a relationship when I want to be ‘me’ without risking losing ‘us’. There’s the soft spots that are hard to expose and there’s the conflict that occurs simply because we are unique and have differences.

Finally, after discovering many edges and meeting edge-to-edge at various points in the workshop, we closed by being reminded of that deep longing which bought us together in the first place.

Apparently, it’s simply human nature to want to find someone who has your back and who is also willing to journey to the edges, together.

I came home more committed and more revealed. Knowing I had work to do on my patterns, but was excited about the commitments we each made and the opportunity to put new learning into our life back at home and in our work.

Communication, Connecting

Indeed, I Do Have A Spiritual Practice!

A few years back, I was down in the San Francisco area participating in a program called Transformational Lessons. I was there with about 40 or 50 other folks. We started with introductions where we were asked to share our spiritual practices. I listened as each person spoke about either a yoga practice, a meditation/prayer, or mantra, and/or some guru or ashram where they were currently studying or regularly attending. As my turn arrived, I wondered what I was going to say.

I couldn’t really relate to the question, nor did I have any idea of an answer. At that time I was not at all interested in yoga (too tight for that) and I sort believed chanting, meditation, and ashrams were all about transcending this human experience–and I wasn’t interested in that.

However, I did consider myself a spiritual person. Finally, as my turn arrived, I spoke about the one practice that I believed transformed my life and has regularly provided me a pathway to my most spiritual experiences – connecting with other people in a deep and personal way that expands my reality. The practice involves utilizing The Haven communication model.

When I mentioned my practice, I could tell a few people did not understand how a communication model could be a spiritual practice. Since that day, I have regularly referred to The Model as a spiritual practice. These days, I practice yoga, enjoy chanting, and even regularly do some form of meditation. However, I still firmly believe the most spiritual experiences I have come from those times when I practice intimacy through open, honest, vulnerable communication – the essence of the communication model.

Almost thirty years ago I was introduced to The Model. Now after years of teaching it, practicing it and applying it in every relationship that matters to me, I still learn new things, discover deeper connections and expand my world.

Why? Because to practice The Model authentically, I have to fully own my judgments and whatever feelings I am generating. I have to take full responsibility for whatever experience I am creating or having. This requires discipline and can be hard. However, even more challenging at times, is suspending my own rightness about my views or opinions and listening with heart and curiousity to someone else. When done well there is an opening that takes me way beyond the limits of my human ego experience, providing a moment of loving that reminds me of the quote: “To love another person is to see the face of God”.

To me, that is what defines a spiritual practice, an experience that allows me to see the face of God. Something that I will likely never fully master and will continue work on as a way to open doors and bridge differences that not only transforms my life but profoundly impacts the world around me.

If you want to discover more about this model and possibly start you own practice, visit: The Haven website, www.haven.ca or better yet take any of their core programs.

Connecting, Life Experiences

Finding All Of Me!!

I am thrilled to be writing this blog as a way of supporting CrisMarie’s adventure into teleseminars! Thursday she’ll be doing her first solo online seminar. She has decided to focus this one on her interpretation of The Haven’s selves model.

I can always use a reminder of the many ways I avoid accepting and living with all of me. My ideal self would love to think I have this model down. (What is there to learn?) But the truth is, my actual self often isn’t quite as ideal as I would like.

For CrisMarie, an Olympic athlete, I find her take on this model refreshing because she focuses on tapping back into the authentic self. Of course in the end, it’s really about accepting all parts of me.

If you are interested in joining the teleseminar please follow this link:  Join us on Thursday April 14,2011 at 2PM PST.

Uncategorized

Working With My Little Ego-Self!!

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I am not really sure I am up for writing this blog. However, I know writing is often very helpful for me in finding a path through things I don’t really like feeling.

To set the context without giving details, I am having a tough time because I put myself out for something I thought I’d be good at, and someone else was selected. Now really, this sounds like a childhood story of not being picked as the captain at recess. The truth is, it feels a lot like that, and I sure wish it didn’t.

Right now I wish I had never thrown my name into the hat. It would have been much easier. I realize I have probably done that a few times in my life, not admitting I wanted something, watching someone else get picked without letting on that I was ever interested.

The problem for me with that approach is that I work with leaders and a leader’s job is to be willing to step up and be vulnerable. There’s a lot of vulnerability in saying you want the job, thinking you can do it. It is easy to see the ego in that effort, and sure, there has to be some self-confidence and desire to even say, “pick me”.

In my case, vulnerability may be a bit harder to see. I wanted the job but I wasn’t the one picked, and now I have to find a way to still be willing to play. That’s the tough part. I want to pull back and not get involved.

I want to say they didn’t pick the right person. I wish I wasn’t like that. The worst part is the humbling aspects of my very unattractive need to make the winner wrong.

Somehow that keeps the pain away. On some level I know this heartache isn’t all from this one event. That’s part of the problem. My rational brain could easily help me out of this mess. The person picked is actually pretty good. The truth is, I think the person selected is pretty regularly picked to be captain and I guess I wanted my shot.

Now I am trying to find some graceful path through this. I am working to embrace the ego aspect of myself that hurts and does some unattractive ego things; I am doing my best to avoid doing these ego-related activities out loud or at least not outside the circle of friends who know I am venting.

The next step is to reach out to the winner. As I mentioned before, it’s not like this person is the problem. I actually have enjoyed some of the work we have done together in the past. Maybe I will get to a place where I can find the best role for me to play.

I really wish could transcend my little ego self. But I have never been any good at transcending anything. The best I can do is dive right into my overly active storytelling self and do my best to ride through all the feelings that come up. I’d like to think I don’t spill them everywhere as I find my way through wild range of emotions that surface when I am hurting. I think I am better than I use to be. But there are still some occasional splashes and I need to do my best in cleaning things up as needed.

This is no hero’s journey, it’s more like a fool’s jump. I think I feel more alive as a fool rather than a hero. It doesn’t feel as comfortable, but life isn’t about being comfortable or looking good. It is about being real. This pain feels real and I imagine this too shall pass!!

Connection, Uncategorized

Recovering From My Blogging Blunder

It’s tough when my latest blog is old news before it gets sent to readers. I feel responsible for getting another post up quickly.

Technical difficulties resulted in yesterday’s blog arriving after last night’s game. So now I am quickly working to recover. I wish I could say my cold was gone and my head was clear. This blog might be easier if that was the case. Unfortunately, I am still a bit clogged and tired from a cold that is very, very slowly moving through my system!

As a result of this cold, I missed some fun events. Last night I had some great plans both for the big game and for supporting a local fundraising event for the school of which I am a board member. I didn’t think it was right to show up at the event coughing and contaminating everyone while asking for money to support our programs. Still, I would have liked to participate. I had also intended to watch the big game on my friend’s big HD TV. We had plans for sushi and basketball. Instead, I watched the game on my very small iPhone screen and ate Rice Dream. Not the same.

So I am not loving this opportunity my body is presenting me. I generally don’t do well with any type of health issues that demand I rest. I have trouble slowing down. Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I am driven or a workaholic, I am not that kind of fast or productive person. I like my walks, jogs, yoga, and connecting activities like lunch at The Green Tea House, or a movie with friends. So when I can not do those things, I find it hard.

I wish there was an easy way to get through a cold. The fact that I am even getting this post completed is a sign of improvement. At some point I will likely take Bailey out for a short walk in the woods. I may even make it to The Green Tea House. Life will return to normal.

But for now, this is the best blog I have in me for a quick recovery from my blogging blunder.

Life Experiences

Butler Again!!!

There are so many possible blog topics:  Butler University in the men’s NCAA National Basketball Championship game again, my saga with a cold that wouldn’t quit, more lessons through Bailey—and those are just the simple choices.  There are always the heavy hitter topics, like radiation leaks, earthquakes, the Middle East and stuff like that.

Let’s start with Butler.  Of course, I am rooting for Butler tonight.  There are so many reasons why.  Once again, this small school with way less money and resources is taking on a giant.  I even like UConn.  Well, I like some of the players.  Kemba Walker has a great story, and I have no doubt all of Harlem will be rooting for him to shine.  However, I still have to go for the little school with the geeky looking coach.  Tonight, Butler I hope takes home the championship.  I am rooting for the coach who is a math and science guy and who left the great corporate ladder to take the assistant coaching job because he loves basketball.  I am rooting for the team that has the higher graduation percentage and who isn’t under an NCAA investigation.  This isn’t a mistake this time around.  This Butler team came right back to the Final Four and back to the championship game.  They are not some wild card.  Tonight, I want to see them take home the prize!

I could go on and attempt to talk about other noteworthy topics. However, the cold I mentioned is demanding I quit trying to write long interesting pieces and wrap this blog up quickly. I think taking another nap may be more important than sharing deep insights.

Plus, if I don’t post this soon, the big game will be over and I will have missed adding my two cents along with all of the other bloggers out there about Butler and basketball.

Life Experiences

Here’s To Staying Present On The Fast Track!

Since the start of the year, I believe I have slept more nights in hotels than in my own home. I have also visited more airports then I ever imagined. Though not quite like George Clooney in the movie Up in the Air, I find myself having conversations about air miles, bragging about the advantages of elite status. I am, however, not anywhere near the level of the million mile folks, but have simply spent a lot of time taking short hops to places like Gabriola Island, BC; Cedar Rapids, IA; Essex, MT; Redmond and Lacey, WA; Phoenix, AZ; San Diego, CA. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. I get to live with Glacier National Park in my backyard, and when I travel I am always with my best friend and partner. Still, this year seems to be ‘flying’ by. It’s already March!

I have heard that the planet is moving faster. Some report that the evolutionary process of humankind will advance in one year (2011-2012), as much as we advanced in the thirteen years prior (1998-2010). I am not really sure what that means, but maybe it has something to do with the iPad2 arriving in less than a year from the release of the original. Personally, I do find things happening at a faster velocity. I can worry myself sick with being unable to keep up; however, the time spent doing that will only result in more time lost.

I recently read that blogs are on the way out.  I have only just begun to fully enjoy the process of connecting online. I have yet to have anything go viral or see vast increases in my readership, yet I am very committed to the twenty-some folks who signed on to have my blogs arrive in their inbox. I hope blogging is not soon to be a lost art like letter writing. However, if the predicted velocity timeline holds, it’s possible that blogging will only last a fraction of the time that snail-mail and newspapers had in the way of connecting.

The Dalai Lama gave the best advice recently when asked what surprised him most about life. His answer was: Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.

Maybe he was suggesting that I would be better off not worrying about how fast life is moving—but instead enjoy the moment, whatever version of the iPad I have, wherever I may sleep, and however many readers get to enjoy my post.

Uncategorized

Couples Alive

I just got back from the first Couples Alive program offered at The Haven.  CrisMarie and I had been engaged in the design process as part of a team that included Cathy and Ernie McNally, David Raithby and Sandy McCarthy.  The process of designing the Couples Alive Series (four five day programs) has been very exciting and rewarding.  So the idea of fully participating in the first of the series seemed like a great idea.  Later in the year we’ll be leading the same program, and I always like to live what I teach.

I believed that the simple yet profound nature of the models and concepts would easily be effective for all stages of relationships. I have close to thirty years of living, leading and teaching programs based on the same foundational models, models that continue to offer me ways of going deeper. The idea of that same exploration happening within my most important relationship made complete sense. Though we regularly work to apply and live what we have each learned though The Haven, I know I can be habitual and lazy at times.  So participating with other couples and checking in on the health of our relationship was an exciting opportunity.

Of course, as we stepped into fully engaging, we had our rough spots.  There were a few times when I wondered why I had signed up for this. However, as I listened and stayed open, I was reminded of the amazing possibilities that a relationship offers when we are not trying to control or change each other.  I revisited the romance that brought me into wanting to live, work and be with CrisMarie. I also revisited the power struggles that arise simply because we each have different hopes, dreams and imaginations. Of course, we bump, and of course, I can make her wrong.  But looking at the choices, to relate or to isolate, I stepped towards the aliveness that comes from being vulnerable and curious.

By participating in the program, I found some pockets of apathy and openly brought forward my concerns with anxiety and excitement.  As always, I was surprised to learn that getting my way wasn’t nearly as important as speaking up and simply being heard by a loving witness.  We didn’t have to fix anything.  Yes, we agreed to a few new ways of keeping ourselves honest and open.  In a month we’ll check in to see if our new tools are working.  I’m hoping we’ll be able to make the next part of the series, The Edge.

The best part of our relationship is that we both value growing and learning.  That is so special and it was delightful to be with other couples who hold that same value.

In general, I think I know when I am creating distance in my relationship; however, a couples workshop is a bit like an annual health visit. I highly recommend anyone in a relationship to consider going to The Haven.  I have provided a link to their website.  Take a look.  I want to be sure we are healthy, I and we are worth the investment.

Couples Alive at The Haven from Chris Finlayson on Vimeo.

Connecting, Vision

Relationship Math: 1 x 1=1

I live in a community where there is lots of talk about oneness and unity.  Often, I feel at odds listening to the discussions because there has been a quality to the conversation that I interpret as a transcending of the human experience to a higher order, which I don’t agree with.  However, when some Haven friends presented me with the Relationship Equation: 1 x 1=1, I had an “ah ha” moment!

Let’s just review some basic math: 1 x 1=1, and 0.5 x 1=0.5, and 0.5 x 0.5=0.25.  By applying this equation to any relationship, you can see that if I show up in a relationship as only half of myself, then the outcome, even if the other person fully shows up, is still only 0.5.  Not oneness!  Worse still, if we both show up only half way then the return is a mere 0.25.  This means that if I want to get to oneness, I must bring all of me to the equation: the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful! There is no transcending, cutting out parts, bypassing the ugly ego, or really any part of myself.  This totally changed my view on oneness.  I am all for it now.

From a relationship context, this makes complete sense.  Sure, I wish only the best of me showed up day-to-day in my interactions with CrisMarie.  However, when you live and breath, travel and work side-by-side all of the time, that is just not real.  We have amazing moments of closeness, and we have horrible clashes.  We also have lots of boring day-to-day experiences.  This is life. It’s easy to disengage or try to hide parts of myself that show up at the wrong moment.  However, if I go back to the math, I understand that when I take a part of me out of the equation, I miss the opportunity to experience oneness.

I listen to people trying to shed parts of themselves.  I am sure we have all tried to stop crying or wish we could rid ourselves of rage, pain, sorrow, or hate.  It doesn’t work.  Somehow, if we want to be one or whole, we have to feel everything deeply, and then and only then, do we get to know fully who we are and maybe get better at choosing how we show up.

This same equation applies to teams, groups, families, even countries.  1 x 1 x 1 x 1 x 1=1.  There is no other way to get to oneness.  My imagining that I could do more, say like 1.5, does not help anyone else I am in a relationship with get to oneness.  1.5 x 0.5=0.75.   Wow!  The math makes it clear. Each of us can only work on showing up fully ourselves.  That is the only way to ONE!

If oneness is our destiny, as some have said, then it means our path on this planet is to embrace everything, the good the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. Then, and only then, do we have a chance to experience wholeness, unity or oneness together.

So what do we do about the pain, the suffering, the meanness and the cruelty that exists in the world, and within ourselves?  First, we don’t deny it;  We embrace it;  We own it; We show up fully and invite all of the those standing there with us to show up fully as well.  In that moment of intimacy, we may indeed kill each other, however, we may also see God. Does that possibility scare me?  Sure.  I know I have yet to show up fully moment to moment for very long.  But if I do the math – it is the best option.