Bailey is in the background for the moment.  We got a call very early that Tom, CrisMarie’s brother was getting much worse and we needed to get to Portland.  We got here late yesterday and have now spent most of today supporting the family in making the types of decisions no one wants to make.

Tom has been battling colon cancer for the better part of a year.  He actually did amazingly well with the treatments and was sailing towards a very positive report.  Right up until the last round.  After that last round he just never got his strength back.  Before too long he wasn’t just battling cancer but pneumonia.  Now after many nights in the hospital, a brief spell at home and another collapse, the doctor’s are not really sure what is happening.  They are fighting on many fronts and nothing seems to be working.  Today the talk was more about passing in a peaceful supportive way.

That conversation happened at 11AM and the room of friends and family cleared – all thinking very different things about what would be best.  I do think we all agreed we wanted whatever was best for Tom, Jan and the boys.  But I don’t think anyone was really ready to figure that out by talking about death. We all wanted to do something – thus the empty room shortly after the doctor left.

I don’t pretend to know what is right.  I know this is very hard.  Going into the room with Tom, it’s clear he is still wanting every chance to beat this thing and whatever comes at him next.  It’s also clear he is very exhausted, confused and uncertain how he got to this point and what really he can do about.

Jan is a fighter and also doing an amazing job of handling family, friends and dealing openly with her two teenage sons.  The boys were pretty stoic this morning and now both are in and out tears while coming to terms with the real possibility their father might be dying.

Myself I don’t know how to answer his questions about how did I get through it, how did I live.  I wish I had an answer – why me, why does one get better and someone else doesn’t.  I know it’s not about the number of good things I’ve done.   That much I know for sure.  It is not that some deserve to live and others don’t.

I do wonder though if there isn’t something about being open to living or dying or at least open to feeling everything related to living or dying.  Just being willing to go to either place.  I know it helped me to talk about my fears, my desire to quit and my anger that I even had to think about that. I know talking about those raw emotions ripping through me helped.  Talking about the wild and crazy cancer process – the desire to live, the desire to die, the fear, the anger.  Those type of conversations helped me.  I’m not sure if that would help Tom.  He seems more caught in fighting.

So I sit here away from the family for a while.  Writing in this blog about the things I would want to be talking about with all of them.  But that’s not the way of this family.  They have their own way of dealing with this crazy cancer process.  I respect that.

Tonight I’ll be staying with my friend also battling cancer.  She riddled with tumors and has been for a long time.  Usually we laugh about the crazy cancer process.  It’s odd being in this world.  Far away from Bailey.  Yet just as immediate and uncertain.  I am really no more prepared for this than I am for having a puppy.

Yet life isn’t about being prepared it’s all about being present.  Staying present even when it hurts.  So I’ll finish and head back to the family room.  I don’t know if I’m here to support Tom dying or not.  I just know I am open to whatever choice he makes.

I just watched the Michael Jackson movie, This is It. What a talented man he was and what a loss. Sure Michael had his challenges. But for 45 years he gifted us with his unique brilliance when it came to music and movement.

What I loved about the film was watching the selection process for the dancers. I really got it was not a physical contest in the normal sense of the word. Yes, one’s ability to dance was critical but those selected were not the best bodies or most beautiful. They were the ones who embodied and inspired through their movements and voices. They were the one who laid their heart on the stage without fear. It seemed Michael could pick that type out of the hundreds that tried out.

Watching his attention to detail and his humble way of being with those who clearly idolized his every move was quite rich. He did not rise above those around him, but instead encouraged and inspired each of them to join him as an equal on the stage.

Indeed it is sad to know the rest of the story – or may be to really only know fragments of a story that portrays Michael as odd, drug addicted, predatory and an outcast. When he moves, sings and takes the stage that story is lost and all that shows up is a man graced with talent, heart and a spirit that will live on well beyond his fifty years.

I am glad I went to see the film and would hope this is it – that we would stop talking about all the other stuff and enjoy the many gifts the man graced us with.

We have had the joy of having a piece of untouched land between our lot and the folks next door. When we bought our home we were told there would never be a way for anyone to use that land. So we would not have any type of development there. It seems never was not quite the right word. A developer, known for his less then ethical building methods purchased the land and has been working away at getting various permits that will allow him to use that lot of land for a well to service a number of other lots he plans to put houses on.

I don’t like the idea, and it does sound like his path for permits is a bit questionable. However, I also find myself not wanting to get into an ugly battle with him. Our other neighbor is much more invested in fighting on every front.

Yes, I get fired up when I think he might be doing something that will cause unnecessary damage and take out too many trees. I wish he would listen or show some interest in responding to our questions. Still, I can not imagine that our efforts are doing anything other than making him more secretive and determined.

I have had days of getting right into the fight, watching the back alley and asking any truck parked to show me permits. So far the folks I’ve been talking to aren’t related to him. In the past few days, though, it’s become clear he’s making his move. There are dig marks on the alley and on the road below. There have been folks out taking pictures and our neighbor has been calling every official trying to get someone to stop the process.

Indeed it would be nice to at least have this stopped through the winter. It does not seem like a very good idea to start digging right when the weather is freezing and most digging is stopped. Again one has to wonder how this guy gets his permission.

This may sound weak, but I am inclined at this point to stop fighting. We offered to buy the lot. We spoke to the officials and rallied the neighborhood and he has found ways around everything. I don’t plan to park myself in the alley and live angry. Yes, I have tried to work with the elements and bring on a deep freeze, but it looks like this lot is going to become a well and that digging will occur all around us. I can just hope that the guys digging care enough to do it right.

It’s tough understanding how someone can manage to do something that seems so wrong so often with so much support. I guess I just don’t understand how we got to the point where building is so much more important than taking care of the land or the people already living there. But clearly this isn’t just one crazy guy. Even I know I have some part in a system that has made it okay to advance, grow and develop without really noticing the consequences.

I call it Yang vs Yin. Yang is the energy of action – advancing, developing, shaping and moving ahead. The Yin is passive energy – quiet, still and intuitive. In eastern philosophy the recommended path is to find balance. It seems in our western world that balance has been lost.

Today I can see the cost firsthand and really this is a very small insignificant piece. So I don’t plan to fight the builder, instead I want to take a closer look at my own life and figure out where it is I may be advancing and developing without regard to the world around me and really think about if that fits for me. I have no doubt there are places in my own life where I have stopped listening and just done what I thought was okay. Somehow that seems like the best way to ‘fight back’. Use Yin to counter the Yang. May be I’ll find some balance.

Okay I read the reviews and almost decided I would not go see the movie, Where the Wild Things Are. However, I was having a rough day and I wanted to just take myself to a movie  and the alternative was Love Happens. I quickly skimmed the reviews and decided Wild Things was my better bet.

One of the criticisms of the movie was that the monsters were not happy and that it was too violent.  Basically the biggest issue was that it might not be appropriate for children.  Well no problem there, I am almost fifty.

Personally I thought the movie was quite amazing.  The monsters were indeed sad, depressed, angry and even violent at times, but the boy, Max,  created them at a time when that did seem to be the theme of his life.  Yes I was lost at times but I could so relate to this inner world of demons and his tendency to be a bit grandiose about himself.  The idea that he could be king.  I myself have used my imagination many times to make myself the hero of some world.

One of the monsters, Carol was of course most disturbed – very angry and destructive – yet also the most creative and in some ways the most committed to the whole gang.  He wanted them to all sleep together in a big pile and he totally believed in Max. I liked Carol.  I could see me when I’m hurt or sad.  Yes I am fifty but I can still get sad and hate to show it. I prefer to howl in the wind then ask a friend to hold me while I cry.  Plus I want to believe there’s a way for us all to get along and be together and I do  imagine a world that is  much like Carol’s hand built kingdom.  I write like he builds and when I am hurt sometimes I hit delete and destroy the magical place as though that will somehow take away the pain.

Yes the movie was about the wild things – our monsters, inner feelings that we struggle to accept.  In the end the one mute monster simply asked, “will you say nice things about us” and I felt myself tear up.  Indeed it is so hard to embrace my inner demons.  The feelings and emotions that get me into trouble and create distance.  Yet I truly believe much like that mute monster, those feelings are asking for compassion, acceptance and feedback that I see them and will create a safe space for them to live.

I’m glad I took myself to the movie.  I am not dealing with my parent’s divorce or a sister who doesn’t acknowledge me.  But sometimes I feel very lonely and lost in my world.  As though I am not making much of a difference or scared of some horrible event that will wipe out the ones I love.  These moments stir up the wild things and may be I need to listen, to let the wild things have some space to rage and play and eventually sleep together in a big pile.  Yes, I think the movie helped remind me of the importance of taking care of my own wild things!

I have had the pleasure of going to the theater three night in a row.  Yes I have watched the same show each night.  I live in Whitefish, Montana not NY, so there are two theater groups but only one performance hall.  You may be asking why three nights?  Or thinking my partner or child must be in the show.  Truth is my partner is in the show which is the reason I had tickets for two nights.  But the reason I have gone three is because I love live threater.  Yes the lines are the same, the story doesn’t change; however, the actors interact differently with each other and the audience each night.

I would not go so often if it wasn’t a wonderful, inspiring play.  That does make a big difference.  The play, You Can’t Take It With You is a wacky comedy set in the 30’s with a timeless message about living your dreams and being happy not just successful.  The Sycamores are a family that remind me a bit of my own.  I believe I grew up in a home with lots of things going on, at times people coming and going who were not the norm and the message I got from my folks was one that did resonate with the theme of the movie; do what you love.

However, it wasn’t memories of childhood that took me back to the theater.  for the past six to eight weeks I have learned bits of the play quite well as CrisMarie practiced her lines and I played whatever part preceded her entry onto the stage.  I also learned many insider stories about the folks who were in the show with her.  Their past lives on the stage and their reasons for letting fame go to come and volunteer and thrive in community theatre instead of NY, LA or such places.  Still that wasn’t enough to get me there every night.  Though it was a significant piece.  The commitment these people make to a show is amazing.  They do become like ‘family’ and it is something meaningful and purpose driven.

Bottom line I came because each night I loved watching Rheba come to life.  CrisMarie has talked of acting for a while and yes she did perform and take many classes a few years back.  But this first full production has been something else.  She has thrived getting to know her part.  At times fearful she wasn’t going to get the accent and at other points believing she was missing the laughs.  But mostly she has been fully alive as Rheba – the Sycamore’s maid.  I have loved the transformation.  For me much more exciting the classes.  Plus she has found people like her.  People who love performing. People who have taken her in and shown her the ropes of community theater.

They’ve warmed up to me as well.  Of course not all shows may be as fun and delightful as this one.  There are still five more shows on this run and I imagine some will be less exciting then the first three.  I don’t plan on going to them all.

Still I don’t generally watch a movie twice or repeat a TV show especially and never night after night.  But live theater that is different.  If the lines are well written and the actors know their stuff each night comes to life – resonating with the audience in that moment.  Each night is different, unique and that makes theater pop!!

Live Theater seems like such a interesting blend of ego and collaboration.  The actors have to own their part and make it bigger then everything else.  Then let go of that so they can fully connect and relate to each other each night.  Add to that the the audience – an audience that laughs at different parts and in different ways each and every night, leaving the actor to wonder, did I hit my mark? Plus since it is live sometimes a line is dropped or missed providing that moment when someone either picks it up or finds a graceful way through without letting anyone know a mistake was made.

Live theater is really so much like life.  We are often repeating patterns, there is not a lot new about daily life. However, if we trust our lines and know our patterns, we can make ourselves important enough to fully embody our unique part.  Then we can open, relate and connect to the others on our stage and our audience.  That’s when life pops!!