Tag Archives: Susan Clarke

Life Experiences, Uncategorized

More About Bailey!!

The Bailey, aka Moose, story continues. I now understand why there are so many dog stories out there.  We have yet to have our final interview before being officially allowed to adopt boxer Bailey.  In the mean time we have been allowed another visit.  Today’s visit was challenging.

We thought we were prepared.  We were rested and ready to walk and play first thing so that Bailey could spend the rest of the morning becoming more familiar with our home.  The walk went pretty well except for the part when Bailey needed to be on the leash.  He’s obviously new to the leash and does just fine for brief periods until he moves in such a way that the leash catches his attention.  When that happens he does one of two moves. One is the classic chewing process clearly intended to rid himself of this annoying line that is slowing down his forward progress.  The second move is when the leash seems to totally surprise him and he proceeds to jump around in such a way that the leash pulls on his collar so tightly that he thrashes even harder in an effort to figure what the hell has him trapped.  The second move is much more difficult to watch and even harder to sort out.  Of course we know it is our job to teach him differently but we are not there yet!

Overall though,  the walk went well.  Back at the house it seemed he was content to wander around and finally drop down at our feet for a nap.  This is part where he is  the adorable puppy and isn’t it great to have him in our lives moment.  Then he woke up.

We missed getting him outside fast enough so there was the little accident on the carpet.  Once out he seemed confused why we were staying out when he was complete with the task.  Back inside it was clear he wanted our undivided attention.  Actually he really wanted Sooke’s attention and she was not into playing.  After a number of play bows, some barking and a few right hooks thrown gently at Sooke’s face, she let him know she was not going to be the one to entertain him.  Next he started working on us.  We did give it our best shot and for a few minutes I thought we were doing okay.  But the phone rang and one of us needed to cover that.  You would think one of us could entertain the puppy but may be that is the problem we simply are trying to hard and he knows it.    Shortly we felt quite defeated and decided we’d end our visit a bit early.

When we dropped Bailey off at his foster home we asked how she did it.  We then got the chance to see Bailey with his three adult boxer buddies and realized he was getting tons of attention that was never really going to be available at our house.  It was fun to watch one adult dog after the other tag team Bailey’s needs for play.  I was exhausted watching!!   Foster mom, Tracey, let us know that really he would settle in.  Routine and knowing us would eventually help him settle into our lives.  Still I left wondering if I was the best owner for Bailey.

After getting home we had another chat about our decision. I am beginning to wonder if this is why the adoption process is taking so long.  The process will determine how committed we are or wear us out trying.  We are not giving up on Bailey but after I write this blog I am heading to Petco for more toys and supplies.  Tomorrow he is coming over for a sleepover and we are determined to be prepared.

Of course having Bailey in our lives has changed the focus of everything.  Even blogging seems difficult.  I wasn’t going to keep writing about Bailey but he is so BIG in the picture thus for a better writer a book becomes a easy outlet for the amazing level of focus this job requires.

I am sure any parents reading this blog are laughing.  Indeed Bailey and previously Sooke are the closest thing to child rearing I have ever done.  Well not totally true I did teach, and at one point, was responsible for a room full of first graders. I also have a niece and nephew who survived living with me for short periods when they were young.  I don’t need to be reminded this is not the same.  I know from talking to many new parents when they were exhausted and wondering, “What made me ever think I could do this?” It is not uncommon to question and even wish for a way out.  It is a significant life change be it a child or a puppy – both are a handful of joy, energy and constant demands.  I just hope I am up to the job or up for being honest and making the right choice.  It is clear this is not an easy logical choice.  This type of decision is riddled with emotions.  It may seem obvious to an outside observer but for me I am not so certain.

In the mean time, I will keep giving this my best shot and likely you will keep hearing more about Bailey.  He really is a cute puppy and he does deserve the effort!!


Life Experiences

Boxer Bailey (Formerly Known as Moose) Update

1 Comment

Some of you who are regular readers ( god knows if there really are any) may be wondering what happened with Moose.  The adoption process as I mentioned is not so simple as it use to be.  Currently our application is under review, references are being called and our vet needs to vouch for us.  In the mean time though we were allowed to have Bailey (previously known to you as Moose) over for a one day visit.

Bailey was dropped off at 8AM.  We did our best to make sure the house was ready for a puppy and let Sooke know this was still a trail run.  The day was exhausting!!!  We were told by our friends we were like the parent’s of a new born (okay probably more like a toddler since Bailey was very, vary mobile).

We did schedule as much activity into the day as we thought Sooke could handle in hopes that we would keep Bailey happy.  The good news was that our efforts worked.  Bailey had some great naps at various times during the day which allowed us some recovery time.

It was wonderful seeing Sooke and Bailey play.  They played tug-of war and some sort of herding game which basically looked like Bailey trying to steal the toy from Sooke, while running at full speed.  Of course Sooke had the upper hand since she could simply give Bailey the right front hip and send him tumbling.  He was game and right back up and after her each time.

We did learn that we will need to get up to speed on training and making sure the little fellow gets who’s boss.  He seems willing to learn though strong-willed.

By the end of the day we were okay letting him head home with his foster mom.  Though we had become quite attached we knew we needed a bit more prep time before having Bailey home for good.

Today we put together a crate and bought some boxer training books.  We are hoping we can get approved and bring Bailey home officially by the middle of next week.

In case any of you grew attached to the name Moose.  We decided Moose, though a cute name sounded a little too close to Sooke.  Plus we just weren’t thrilled about having a moose in the house.  He seemed okay with the change.

Uncategorized

Creative Tension is Good Medicine

Last Sunday I read an excellent article in the NY Times magazine about the head of InterMountain Health Care,  Dr. Brent James.  He is highly regarded doctor by his peers who has put InterMountain Medical on the map because of his success in reducing mortality rates by evidence based protocols and extensive data collection on best practices.  Basically he believes too much medicine is practiced based on a doctor’s story and beliefs and not necessarily on the data or science.  It seems he has a very solid base of evidence to support his assumptions and is doing some great work at assisting other doctors in discovering their own biases and agreeing to try set protocols for certain types of illnesses.

I am also reading a book recommended by a friend dealing with Breast Cancer, When the Body Says No, by another doctor Gabor Mate.  His research is about how stress is the underlying cause of many immune related illnesses and how medicine refuses to embrace the mind/body connection.

In some way the two reads are directly opposed.  Dr James is all about evidence, science, practicing only what which can be proved and not veering into subjective, intuitive wisdom or ‘story’.  While Dr Mate’s book is about listening to the stories of many of his patients, his experience with these patients and pulling together research that supports the idea of stress as a major factor in illness and a much more psychological approach to healing.

Some might wonder why I am so interested in both ideas.  First, I truly believe the most creative and innovative solutions arrive out of tension, ambiguity and even conflicting or opposing forces.  So I like the idea if evidence based research that continually pulls data and observes the data with a keen awareness of how easy it is to impose judgment, interpretation and personal screen on the data.  This is really the point of Dr James’ article.  He seems willing to continually ask himself and his teams of medical providers to be aware of their own screens while practicing medicine and whenever in doubt rely on the protocol not just the ‘story’.  He does not punish non-compliance but instead asked any variation to be documented so that it becomes part of the data. He then can review and use the data to influence compliance going forward.

My medical insurer is a large HMO and is strongly based in offering only evidence-based research.  At times, I am frustrated by the less than flexible response of my medical care provider in offering alternative solutions.  This is the potential problem with a strict protocol of only evidence based medicine. However, I have found an MD who I believe is a very healthy mix of James & Mate.  I have come to her with some thoughts about my needs that were outside of her evidence-based model but she listened and then went about doing her own research.  She decided to step out of the set protocol (of course documenting that).  Later she told me she even did some trial and error on herself.  Of course, this is not a full body of research that would prove she practices with this level of protocol and flexibility across the board, but I liked the way she approached that situation and a few others  – both as a science and an art.

I wish there were more people who had strong beliefs and opinions but also were willing an able to have those beliefs and opinions challenged.  Whether it is medicine or politics – religion or education – our tendency is a avoid the conflict, the tension and get set in our own ways.

I would hope folks like Dr James and Dr Mate could easily sit down at a table and openly discuss their different approaches to medicine.  I would hope a medical training program would make sure anyone going through that program had to wrestle with the tension of evidence vs. intuition, science vs. story and never rule one out completely over the other.

It’s easy to stay within my own comfort zone.  But vibrant health seems to exist outside of any set point.  It would seem vibrant health care must reside outside of any set point as well.


Life Experiences

Adding a New Member to Our Pack

Apparently winter is not the best time to get a puppy; however, our lives have crossed paths with an adorable little rescued boxer named, Moose.  I love dogs and currently have a wonderful companion, Sooke.  Sooke is nine and reaching the age where left with just us she would prefer to sleep, rest and become less mobile.  Yet when she is with other dogs she plays,  gets a better workout and seems to love the company.  Our vet recommended getting another dog as a buddy.  But we just haven’t found the ‘right’ one – until Moose.

Actually Moose showed in our lives about a week ago when we were out walking in the woods nearby.  We crossed paths with two women out walking their four Boxers and little Moose was scooped up in one of their arms when we showed up.  Of course we admired the cute puppy and as we were ready to leave one of the women commented she was fostering him and looking for a good home.  We wished her luck and off we went.  No name – no number.

Once home we both commented on the puppy and wished we had talked more to the woman.  We had no idea who she was or if we would be able to relocate her.  But we put out signs, near the woods, at the dog park and alerted our vet that we were looking for the Boxer’s foster mom.  After a week we were prepared to give up and then we got a call asking if we were the ones looking for Moose.

Last night we introduced Sooke to Moose.  I wouldn’t say Sooke fell in love – Moose is twelve weeks and only wants to play and Sooke is nine  and looked a bit impatient with the constant playful intend of Moose.  However, they did play in waves and Sooke set some limits.  Moose respected the boundaries at least long enough to let us know they could work this out without anyone getting hurt.

Now we need to really get serious about our decision.  A puppy is a lot of responsibility and a boxer is an additional bundle of muscular energy which will demand training and lots of play and exercise.  As the energizer bunny of our household, I could look forward to a running buddy and a companion for longer hikes and activities.  I am not as certain about being the dominate leader of the pack but I think CrisMarie commands that role quite well.  Between the two of us, Moose should get all the exercise and leadership he needs.

We still aren’t a shoe in as parents. Because Moose is a rescue dog we have to apply.  I took a look at the questionaire and Jane, the rescue coordinator is quite serious about who she lets adopt.  We will have a home visit, an interview, need three or more references and our vet to endorse who we are.  Of course I am happy to see that so much care goes into finding the right home.  Last time I got a dog I just went an put down some cash and home we went.  For Moose’s sake I am glad there are a few hoops to jump through.  He has already had enough disappointment for being only twelve weeks old.  Did I mention he started out in Connecticut?  He was suppose to have a home in Minnesota but things did not work out.  Fortunately, Tracey his foster mom has stayed right alongside him.  She owes three Boxers so he has a temporary pack helping him learn.  Now he’s out here mainly because she is and won’t be heading back East until early spring.  Tracey would prefer to find a good home before that trip is needed.

It’s a big decision. I can think of many reasons not to introduce a puppy into our lives.  Yet Moose did sort of magically capture our attention and that we found him again makes me think there is a reason Moose showed up.  I know there will be an adjustment for Sooke.  My biggest concern is that she know we even started down this road because we want her around longer and to have a buddy.  For awhile it may seem like more work then fun.  But pretty soon with some dedicated attention and lots of loving and play – I can picture the two of them being a good combination.

Myself I just want to make the best decision for Moose at this point.  We have a great little pack.  I would enjoy finding a buddy for running and more extreme outdoor activities.  But I must importantly I want to know this is the ‘right’ way to go.  It would be great if there was a way to get that confirmed.  But life isn’t like that,  the best we can do is check in and then commit fully if we decide to bring Moose home.  I will keep you posted!




Life Experiences

Hold Myself & Others As Able

1 Comment

I got a call from a friend late one evening.  My friend was having one of those dark nights of the soul and was reaching out asking,”Will I ever be okay?”.  I could hear in her voice the fear and in her tone the over-writing anger and self-hate that was making it very hard for the average person to connect with her.  I know that place.  When I am hurting, sad or feeling helpless, the last thing I want to do is let anyone know that.  Instead I talk tough, push back on any encouragement that seems to be implying I’ve ever been in this place before and totally negate any positive or inspiration aspect of my tenacious will and willful life force.  I did understand and everything in me wished I could just teleport myself to where she was and give her a big hug.

Instead, I suggested my favorite way to get through a dark night when it’s too late to visit a dog park (the best daytime way to deal with despair).  I encouraged her to make a pot of tea and watch a Disney or light movie such as:  Lilo & Stitch, Harry Potter (the first one) or Legally Blond.  If I am really feeling sorry for myself, I ditch the tea and make a very big bowl of air popcorn with Bragg’s and Brewer’s yeast.  I do think it is important to have a shelf of movies and chamomile tea on hand throughout the year.

We talked, and I knew I was still the only one on the phone, who had faith and confidence in her spirit and life force by the time we hung up.  Still I knew I could not decide for her.  She was going to have to find a path through the dark night.  I wanted to call her the next day, but I thought it best to wait.  Primarily, because I had spoken of my confidence and faith in her, and I did not want to sound wavering. It wasn’t until a few days out that I got and email from her saying she was feeling better.

Having been a mental health professional for many years, and a mental health client before that, I know the drill.  Set up a contract, “I promise not to kill myself.” Personally, I  never liked that concept.  For me the best words I ever heard on the other end of the line when I wanted to kill myself were, “It is your choice.  I even understand why you are thinking of quitting, but I personally hope you don’t make that choice.”  The power of someone giving me the choice and believing in me to make the best choice, that was amazing.  I really got that I could choose.  Suddenly I had power.  Before that moment, I had felt helpless and powerless.

It is hard to let someone choose.  Whether it’s as life or death as suicide or watching someone choose to stay in a horrible job that they are slowly letting take the joy from them, it is hard to let them choose.  Still I am a big believer in holding people as able.  In my own life experience I did not really understand joy until I understood choice.  The idea that it is never the hand you are dealt that gives you joy or any feeling for that matter.  You get to decide how you respond to the circumstances of your life and you get to make that decision over and over.  meaning you can make it differently.  That is powerful.

The most loving and caring thing anyone has ever done for me is holding me as able. Believing in my ability to choose life even when I did not.  Sure I still have my dark nights that’s why I always have tea and movies on standby as well as friend who remind me I am able.  I can choose!

Life Experiences

Staying Positive While Stuck in Denver!

Yesterday I spent most of my day in airports or on the tarmac.  I was traveling to South Dakota through Denver for an afternoon meeting.  Then heading to Seattle through Denver again in the evening.  The connections looked easy but it’s fall and Denver had a light snow storm with lots of fog.  Needless to say, travel problems started with the first flight.  Still by a miracle I did make it through to South Dakota arriving one hour late but making the meeting! More problems occurred heading to Seattle and now I am sitting in the Denver airport after spending a short night at the Red Lion courtesy of United.  Feeling sorry for myself I headed to the Red Carpet area and it seems they felt sorry for me as well.  After looking at my flights yesterday I was given a pass in for the morning.

As I sat in Souix Falls last night listening to the reports of delays related to O’Hare and Denver, I found myself wondering as I have before – Why are the largest airport hubs in cities that seem notorious for weird , difficult weather? Okay may be these airports have so many delays and issues because the largest airlines have hubs there.   I also found myself wondering why the hotels are so far away from the Denver airport.  By the time I had taken the shuttle and settled in I was only a few hours away from a a wake up call to go back to the airport since I was about 40 mins away.  This had me thankful that generally I can take regional flights with smaller airlines like Horizon.

Of course I don’t want to sound too annoyed I still have not made it to Seattle.  Plus there were and are those bright spots.  Like the woman who made sure I was going to be on a flight this morning and kept me in my seat to Denver just in case I made it.  She was great.  Another flight person did an amazing job of sticking luggage in very small spaces through the plane when it looked like some people’s bags were not going to fit underneath.  As I mentioned earlier there was the woman gave me a pass into the lounge after looking at my flights yesterday.

Then there are the folks who like me are stuck.  With some I can share road warrior stories but the ones I really enjoy are the folks who are less hardened by the frequent flight delays and seem to maintain an adventurous attitude.  One woman had two small children – the kids thought the time in the airport was great – she laughed as she ran around trying to kept up with the kids until they both fell asleep on the floor.  Only then did the exhaustion show.

Indeed traveling through airports has it’s challenges and sitting here I have all sorts of thoughts about how it could be better.  Bottom line it’s awesome that I can travel as easily as I do.  Airports just give me such an opportunity to see all types of people traveling for all types of reasons.  It’s quite amazing!

Okay I am off to catch the last leg of my trip.  Hopefully I’ll be home when I write again!!

Life Experiences

Life Isn’t About Being Measured

2 Comments

Woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep.  I wanted to since it’s Sunday morning and a good day for sleeping in.  However, my mind was racing and I could stop the mental chatter.  I’ m hoping channeling some of the racing thoughts into writing will help settle me down.

I have been replaying some comments made by a friend about success.  He was referring to who was ‘most’ successful amongst our colleagues.  The two people he name were for sure the guys who sold the most work and made the most money.  In many ways that may seem like the obvious measure of success.  Those seem like common success measures.  I think about clients who put together performance measures and often sales and revenue are fairly high on the list if not the list.

I get that for a company to stay in business sales and revenue are important but I don’t think they are a very useful measure of success.  We talk about vision meaning something noble or a reason to rally and stay together through highs and lows.  I do think that selling for someone who is passionate about connecting to people and understanding their needs and wants can be noble.  I can also believe that making significant revenue can pull people together.  Still I am not sure sales and revenue measure success.

I guess I believe success is much more personal.  I have gotten to know people who by the above standard of success should see themselves as very successful but don’t.  We’ve all heard the statement – “money can’t buy success” and I imagine some of us have wished we could test that statement ourselves.  Having had times of pretty good revenue and times of none, I do get it’s not about the cash flow.  Sure having some does help my ego but money isn’t sustaining or for that matter meaningful. Also selling has only been noble for me when I truly believed in the product and of course then never really felt like I was selling at all.

You may be wondering why is this keeping me up?  I think because there have been too many times in my life when success was measured generally and I watched or worse found myself trying to measure up only to discover later I had lost my ‘real’ direction.

Take tennis – I was very good.  For a long time I never lost and soon I thought winning was the measure of success.  However, winning soon became something that kept me in a very tight box.  I wasn’t willing to try new shots or a different serve.  I became fearful of losing and soon tennis was not the game I loved.

Take cancer – I am considered to have been successful at cancer.  Sure I am alive so that is a definite success.  But am I more successful then someone who died? No  Cancer more then anything else taught me that it’s not about how anyone including me measures a life tomorrow.    It’s only about how I choice to live today.

We are too easily convinced that there is some way to measure if we are doing well or succeeding in life.  May be it is sells and revenue, may be it’s how long we live, may be it’s if we’re married or how well our children do, may be it’s the number of times we win or the kind things we do.

Then again may be we are not here to meet performance measures.

Vision

My Purpose: To Connect

I have signed up for a six week class on Powering Up My Life.  I did this because I am in a transition and I thought the class might be helpful in creating more focus and direction during this period.  The first assignment was relatively easy for me.  This week’s question seems much harder.  The first part of the assignment is to define my life purpose.  I am a big believer in having a vision, dream or beacon, so you might think the question would be easy for me.  But no, quite the opposite.  I find myself struggling.  The simple answer to the question is:  to connect.  Though I ask myself is that a purpose?  Is it noble? Is it directional?  Is it too simple?

When I was dying the thing that stirred up the desire in me to stay engaged was witnessing and watching people connect.  I had the opportunity to be a part of a group at The Haven, a personal & professional development center.  We started a group of strangers but after five days I’d say the 23 other participants in the group knew me better then anyone else ever had in my life.  We had each in our own way opened up to each other through sharing emotions, stories, judgments and intentions.  The leaders were the models and I must say I was so amazed I found myself wanting to do whatever it took to be able to make contact and connect to the world around me in the authentic, real way they did.  Twenty-five years later that still motivates me, finding ways to connect to the people around me.  Creating bridges between differences and expanding my own experience through being open and curious about someone else.

Some people want to travel the globe and see the physical world.  I don’t mind traveling and do enjoy seeing foreign lands yet that is not nearly as exciting to be as being in a room full of strangers and traveling together through people’s hopes, fears, joys, tears and stories.  Being in a circle of people as they revel themselves and engage in an open, direct way with each other transforms me.  My world grows exponentially and I believe I travel further then I could ever travel via train, plane or automobile.

I think it was Jesus who said “whenever two or more are gathered in my name – God is present”.  I think that means whenever two or more are gathered and are open and curious about each other they tap into source, God, chi, universal energy, whatever you might call it.

My purpose is creating and experiencing that connection.

Life Experiences

What Am I Really Crying About?

1 Comment

I have been traveling.  Taking a road trip from Seattle to Montana.  It seems when I am driving I am less inclined to pull out my computer at night or for that matter anytime.  Anyway I am behind on blog posting.  The trip was excellent.  I was able to ride with the top down most of the way and the temperature was a mild with blue skies overhead.

Basically, I moved to Montana over a year ago; however  kept a place in Seattle where our company is headquartered.  Slowly, I have scaled down the office in Seattle and finally made the call to bring both vehicles to Montana.  I find myself dealing with more transition and loss with this trip than I did after selling the house and moving most of my personal life.  This might reflect the fact that I never enjoyed living in Seattle.  Wasn’t able to find and maintain the right level of connection for me.  I had lots of friends and yet it never seemed easy to connect and do things together.  Now my work  – that was different.  Thrive! was started in Seattle and thrived there – as did I.  So maybe the process of scaling down the office is a bit more of a loss for me than the personal move.

It is not like I won’t be back.  We have a number of clients there which we will continue to work with, and as a result, will be traveling out that way quite regularly. So what makes this so hard?  Office space is rented, the VW Bug was the last real asset to be moved. Plus, we are shifting our business focus – instead of an independent consulting firm we are aligning ourselves as Table Group Consulting Partners.

I would have thought driving a huge moving truck would have been the catalyst for dealing with any loss or dislocation issues.  Instead, it seems driving the convertible VW Bug brought up much more grief, as did letting go of our business independence.  Seattle was never my home personally, but it was where I found my passion in terms of work and career.

I remember when I left Gabriola Island – the last place I called home.  What was calling me was creating a business, a partnership and work that I found fulfilling.  Stepping back out in the world as the person I had become after cancer and close to ten years of reinventing myself.  Our decision to start Thrive! did not come at the best of times for starting a business, post 9/11, but wet we did great.  We have never had to market and have always found work we needed and wanted over the last seven or eight years.  Sure, there were times when we were slow but we’d connect with clients and generate new leads and we found our own voice and way of working.

When the move to Montana came, we were starting the shift to align ourselves with The Table Group more.  Now, we are not creating ourselves the way we were when we started Thrive!.  Instead, we are using material created for the most part by The Table Group.  As a result get more visibility and larger pool of potential clients, but we aren’t quite like we were.

I know this is good move. Just like I know bringing the Bug over the mountains is also good. What I didn’t count on was feeling this sense of loss.  I do know now that there is something going on as we scale down Thrive! and align ourselves with The Table Group that involves letting go.  We can’t really be something new until we let go of the old.  I think the drive was part of that process.

Transitions are never predictable.  We all do the psychological adjustment to a change in our own time.  I teach this, but living it is something else all together.  Good thing I had the chance to take the drive.  Now I know I need to do the rest of the work.  I hadn’t realized what I was letting go of.  I get why I might feel like crying now.  It also makes this blogging even more important.  It seems to be the path I am using to reinvent myself.  The same way I did when we started Thrive!  I can only hope it leads to the same fulfillment and success!

Connecting

Forgiveness: The Heart in the Matter

I have wrestled with this word and my own relationship to including ‘forgiveness’ in my vocabulary over the years.  This mainly stems from the too often religious use of the word and in my opinion people’s quick desire to ask for or give ‘forgiveness’ without any deeper reflection.  It may also stem from years of being told I needed to ‘forgive’ some things that frankly I was not yet able to deal with on that level.  Eventually I got I was causing my own pain with my walled position on the matter.

These day I am more curious and less ‘righteous’ about the word.  First when I play with forgive or forgiving,  I break it down to for and give.  For meaning in support of or affecting – I think of ‘in support of giving’ – makes the word much more interesting.  Even more so with affecting; affecting giving.  Suddenly I can see that that forgiveness might just be speaking to what separates me from ‘giving’ freely.  Now that makes a significant difference in how I can relate to this word.

I have always liked Covey’s habit – ‘Seek first to understand’.  However I believe that to really do that I need to be in the space to give the other person room to be different from me, to give them the benefit of doubt, in other words to be ‘giving’ not just neutral or worse reactive but to be willing ‘ to hand over’.  This is a very vulnerable and open position to take – yet lies at the root of what to give means. This is what I have started to think of in relationship to what forgiveness means to me.

Of course this totally applies to my own life events.  I think I believed forgiveness was something I was doing for someone else but really it was all about doing something for me.  When I am ‘forgiving’ I am being in support of my ‘giving’ or ‘handing over’;  opening a door or path that without ‘forgiveness’ remains blocked, closed or worse unaffected by what is happening around me.

I was told the opposite of forgiveness energetically is estrangement.  Now this is a word filled with separation, distance, even hostility –  just to mention a few associated words.  That makes it even more important in my world to stay open to the energetic definition of ‘forgiveness’.  I have spent too much of my life ‘estranged’ – treating others as strangers – instead of ‘as family’.

May be I am way off and some book like the dictionary or the bible or a frantic fundamentalist will send me right back to my self-righteous or estranged stance to the word forgiveness.  I can only hope instead I will stay in a state of for giving.