Life Experiences, Uncategorized

More About Bailey!!

The Bailey, aka Moose, story continues. I now understand why there are so many dog stories out there.  We have yet to have our final interview before being officially allowed to adopt boxer Bailey.  In the mean time we have been allowed another visit.  Today’s visit was challenging.

We thought we were prepared.  We were rested and ready to walk and play first thing so that Bailey could spend the rest of the morning becoming more familiar with our home.  The walk went pretty well except for the part when Bailey needed to be on the leash.  He’s obviously new to the leash and does just fine for brief periods until he moves in such a way that the leash catches his attention.  When that happens he does one of two moves. One is the classic chewing process clearly intended to rid himself of this annoying line that is slowing down his forward progress.  The second move is when the leash seems to totally surprise him and he proceeds to jump around in such a way that the leash pulls on his collar so tightly that he thrashes even harder in an effort to figure what the hell has him trapped.  The second move is much more difficult to watch and even harder to sort out.  Of course we know it is our job to teach him differently but we are not there yet!

Overall though,  the walk went well.  Back at the house it seemed he was content to wander around and finally drop down at our feet for a nap.  This is part where he is  the adorable puppy and isn’t it great to have him in our lives moment.  Then he woke up.

We missed getting him outside fast enough so there was the little accident on the carpet.  Once out he seemed confused why we were staying out when he was complete with the task.  Back inside it was clear he wanted our undivided attention.  Actually he really wanted Sooke’s attention and she was not into playing.  After a number of play bows, some barking and a few right hooks thrown gently at Sooke’s face, she let him know she was not going to be the one to entertain him.  Next he started working on us.  We did give it our best shot and for a few minutes I thought we were doing okay.  But the phone rang and one of us needed to cover that.  You would think one of us could entertain the puppy but may be that is the problem we simply are trying to hard and he knows it.    Shortly we felt quite defeated and decided we’d end our visit a bit early.

When we dropped Bailey off at his foster home we asked how she did it.  We then got the chance to see Bailey with his three adult boxer buddies and realized he was getting tons of attention that was never really going to be available at our house.  It was fun to watch one adult dog after the other tag team Bailey’s needs for play.  I was exhausted watching!!   Foster mom, Tracey, let us know that really he would settle in.  Routine and knowing us would eventually help him settle into our lives.  Still I left wondering if I was the best owner for Bailey.

After getting home we had another chat about our decision. I am beginning to wonder if this is why the adoption process is taking so long.  The process will determine how committed we are or wear us out trying.  We are not giving up on Bailey but after I write this blog I am heading to Petco for more toys and supplies.  Tomorrow he is coming over for a sleepover and we are determined to be prepared.

Of course having Bailey in our lives has changed the focus of everything.  Even blogging seems difficult.  I wasn’t going to keep writing about Bailey but he is so BIG in the picture thus for a better writer a book becomes a easy outlet for the amazing level of focus this job requires.

I am sure any parents reading this blog are laughing.  Indeed Bailey and previously Sooke are the closest thing to child rearing I have ever done.  Well not totally true I did teach, and at one point, was responsible for a room full of first graders. I also have a niece and nephew who survived living with me for short periods when they were young.  I don’t need to be reminded this is not the same.  I know from talking to many new parents when they were exhausted and wondering, “What made me ever think I could do this?” It is not uncommon to question and even wish for a way out.  It is a significant life change be it a child or a puppy – both are a handful of joy, energy and constant demands.  I just hope I am up to the job or up for being honest and making the right choice.  It is clear this is not an easy logical choice.  This type of decision is riddled with emotions.  It may seem obvious to an outside observer but for me I am not so certain.

In the mean time, I will keep giving this my best shot and likely you will keep hearing more about Bailey.  He really is a cute puppy and he does deserve the effort!!


Life Experiences

Boxer Bailey (Formerly Known as Moose) Update

1 Comment

Some of you who are regular readers ( god knows if there really are any) may be wondering what happened with Moose.  The adoption process as I mentioned is not so simple as it use to be.  Currently our application is under review, references are being called and our vet needs to vouch for us.  In the mean time though we were allowed to have Bailey (previously known to you as Moose) over for a one day visit.

Bailey was dropped off at 8AM.  We did our best to make sure the house was ready for a puppy and let Sooke know this was still a trail run.  The day was exhausting!!!  We were told by our friends we were like the parent’s of a new born (okay probably more like a toddler since Bailey was very, vary mobile).

We did schedule as much activity into the day as we thought Sooke could handle in hopes that we would keep Bailey happy.  The good news was that our efforts worked.  Bailey had some great naps at various times during the day which allowed us some recovery time.

It was wonderful seeing Sooke and Bailey play.  They played tug-of war and some sort of herding game which basically looked like Bailey trying to steal the toy from Sooke, while running at full speed.  Of course Sooke had the upper hand since she could simply give Bailey the right front hip and send him tumbling.  He was game and right back up and after her each time.

We did learn that we will need to get up to speed on training and making sure the little fellow gets who’s boss.  He seems willing to learn though strong-willed.

By the end of the day we were okay letting him head home with his foster mom.  Though we had become quite attached we knew we needed a bit more prep time before having Bailey home for good.

Today we put together a crate and bought some boxer training books.  We are hoping we can get approved and bring Bailey home officially by the middle of next week.

In case any of you grew attached to the name Moose.  We decided Moose, though a cute name sounded a little too close to Sooke.  Plus we just weren’t thrilled about having a moose in the house.  He seemed okay with the change.

Uncategorized

Creative Tension is Good Medicine

Last Sunday I read an excellent article in the NY Times magazine about the head of InterMountain Health Care,  Dr. Brent James.  He is highly regarded doctor by his peers who has put InterMountain Medical on the map because of his success in reducing mortality rates by evidence based protocols and extensive data collection on best practices.  Basically he believes too much medicine is practiced based on a doctor’s story and beliefs and not necessarily on the data or science.  It seems he has a very solid base of evidence to support his assumptions and is doing some great work at assisting other doctors in discovering their own biases and agreeing to try set protocols for certain types of illnesses.

I am also reading a book recommended by a friend dealing with Breast Cancer, When the Body Says No, by another doctor Gabor Mate.  His research is about how stress is the underlying cause of many immune related illnesses and how medicine refuses to embrace the mind/body connection.

In some way the two reads are directly opposed.  Dr James is all about evidence, science, practicing only what which can be proved and not veering into subjective, intuitive wisdom or ‘story’.  While Dr Mate’s book is about listening to the stories of many of his patients, his experience with these patients and pulling together research that supports the idea of stress as a major factor in illness and a much more psychological approach to healing.

Some might wonder why I am so interested in both ideas.  First, I truly believe the most creative and innovative solutions arrive out of tension, ambiguity and even conflicting or opposing forces.  So I like the idea if evidence based research that continually pulls data and observes the data with a keen awareness of how easy it is to impose judgment, interpretation and personal screen on the data.  This is really the point of Dr James’ article.  He seems willing to continually ask himself and his teams of medical providers to be aware of their own screens while practicing medicine and whenever in doubt rely on the protocol not just the ‘story’.  He does not punish non-compliance but instead asked any variation to be documented so that it becomes part of the data. He then can review and use the data to influence compliance going forward.

My medical insurer is a large HMO and is strongly based in offering only evidence-based research.  At times, I am frustrated by the less than flexible response of my medical care provider in offering alternative solutions.  This is the potential problem with a strict protocol of only evidence based medicine. However, I have found an MD who I believe is a very healthy mix of James & Mate.  I have come to her with some thoughts about my needs that were outside of her evidence-based model but she listened and then went about doing her own research.  She decided to step out of the set protocol (of course documenting that).  Later she told me she even did some trial and error on herself.  Of course, this is not a full body of research that would prove she practices with this level of protocol and flexibility across the board, but I liked the way she approached that situation and a few others  – both as a science and an art.

I wish there were more people who had strong beliefs and opinions but also were willing an able to have those beliefs and opinions challenged.  Whether it is medicine or politics – religion or education – our tendency is a avoid the conflict, the tension and get set in our own ways.

I would hope folks like Dr James and Dr Mate could easily sit down at a table and openly discuss their different approaches to medicine.  I would hope a medical training program would make sure anyone going through that program had to wrestle with the tension of evidence vs. intuition, science vs. story and never rule one out completely over the other.

It’s easy to stay within my own comfort zone.  But vibrant health seems to exist outside of any set point.  It would seem vibrant health care must reside outside of any set point as well.


Life Experiences

Adding a New Member to Our Pack

Apparently winter is not the best time to get a puppy; however, our lives have crossed paths with an adorable little rescued boxer named, Moose.  I love dogs and currently have a wonderful companion, Sooke.  Sooke is nine and reaching the age where left with just us she would prefer to sleep, rest and become less mobile.  Yet when she is with other dogs she plays,  gets a better workout and seems to love the company.  Our vet recommended getting another dog as a buddy.  But we just haven’t found the ‘right’ one – until Moose.

Actually Moose showed in our lives about a week ago when we were out walking in the woods nearby.  We crossed paths with two women out walking their four Boxers and little Moose was scooped up in one of their arms when we showed up.  Of course we admired the cute puppy and as we were ready to leave one of the women commented she was fostering him and looking for a good home.  We wished her luck and off we went.  No name – no number.

Once home we both commented on the puppy and wished we had talked more to the woman.  We had no idea who she was or if we would be able to relocate her.  But we put out signs, near the woods, at the dog park and alerted our vet that we were looking for the Boxer’s foster mom.  After a week we were prepared to give up and then we got a call asking if we were the ones looking for Moose.

Last night we introduced Sooke to Moose.  I wouldn’t say Sooke fell in love – Moose is twelve weeks and only wants to play and Sooke is nine  and looked a bit impatient with the constant playful intend of Moose.  However, they did play in waves and Sooke set some limits.  Moose respected the boundaries at least long enough to let us know they could work this out without anyone getting hurt.

Now we need to really get serious about our decision.  A puppy is a lot of responsibility and a boxer is an additional bundle of muscular energy which will demand training and lots of play and exercise.  As the energizer bunny of our household, I could look forward to a running buddy and a companion for longer hikes and activities.  I am not as certain about being the dominate leader of the pack but I think CrisMarie commands that role quite well.  Between the two of us, Moose should get all the exercise and leadership he needs.

We still aren’t a shoe in as parents. Because Moose is a rescue dog we have to apply.  I took a look at the questionaire and Jane, the rescue coordinator is quite serious about who she lets adopt.  We will have a home visit, an interview, need three or more references and our vet to endorse who we are.  Of course I am happy to see that so much care goes into finding the right home.  Last time I got a dog I just went an put down some cash and home we went.  For Moose’s sake I am glad there are a few hoops to jump through.  He has already had enough disappointment for being only twelve weeks old.  Did I mention he started out in Connecticut?  He was suppose to have a home in Minnesota but things did not work out.  Fortunately, Tracey his foster mom has stayed right alongside him.  She owes three Boxers so he has a temporary pack helping him learn.  Now he’s out here mainly because she is and won’t be heading back East until early spring.  Tracey would prefer to find a good home before that trip is needed.

It’s a big decision. I can think of many reasons not to introduce a puppy into our lives.  Yet Moose did sort of magically capture our attention and that we found him again makes me think there is a reason Moose showed up.  I know there will be an adjustment for Sooke.  My biggest concern is that she know we even started down this road because we want her around longer and to have a buddy.  For awhile it may seem like more work then fun.  But pretty soon with some dedicated attention and lots of loving and play – I can picture the two of them being a good combination.

Myself I just want to make the best decision for Moose at this point.  We have a great little pack.  I would enjoy finding a buddy for running and more extreme outdoor activities.  But I must importantly I want to know this is the ‘right’ way to go.  It would be great if there was a way to get that confirmed.  But life isn’t like that,  the best we can do is check in and then commit fully if we decide to bring Moose home.  I will keep you posted!




Life Experiences

Thank You Michael!!

I just watched the Michael Jackson movie, This is It. What a talented man he was and what a loss. Sure Michael had his challenges. But for 45 years he gifted us with his unique brilliance when it came to music and movement.

What I loved about the film was watching the selection process for the dancers. I really got it was not a physical contest in the normal sense of the word. Yes, one’s ability to dance was critical but those selected were not the best bodies or most beautiful. They were the ones who embodied and inspired through their movements and voices. They were the one who laid their heart on the stage without fear. It seemed Michael could pick that type out of the hundreds that tried out.

Watching his attention to detail and his humble way of being with those who clearly idolized his every move was quite rich. He did not rise above those around him, but instead encouraged and inspired each of them to join him as an equal on the stage.

Indeed it is sad to know the rest of the story – or may be to really only know fragments of a story that portrays Michael as odd, drug addicted, predatory and an outcast. When he moves, sings and takes the stage that story is lost and all that shows up is a man graced with talent, heart and a spirit that will live on well beyond his fifty years.

I am glad I went to see the film and would hope this is it – that we would stop talking about all the other stuff and enjoy the many gifts the man graced us with.

Life Experiences

Using My Yin to Balance Yang

We have had the joy of having a piece of untouched land between our lot and the folks next door. When we bought our home we were told there would never be a way for anyone to use that land. So we would not have any type of development there. It seems never was not quite the right word. A developer, known for his less then ethical building methods purchased the land and has been working away at getting various permits that will allow him to use that lot of land for a well to service a number of other lots he plans to put houses on.

I don’t like the idea, and it does sound like his path for permits is a bit questionable. However, I also find myself not wanting to get into an ugly battle with him. Our other neighbor is much more invested in fighting on every front.

Yes, I get fired up when I think he might be doing something that will cause unnecessary damage and take out too many trees. I wish he would listen or show some interest in responding to our questions. Still, I can not imagine that our efforts are doing anything other than making him more secretive and determined.

I have had days of getting right into the fight, watching the back alley and asking any truck parked to show me permits. So far the folks I’ve been talking to aren’t related to him. In the past few days, though, it’s become clear he’s making his move. There are dig marks on the alley and on the road below. There have been folks out taking pictures and our neighbor has been calling every official trying to get someone to stop the process.

Indeed it would be nice to at least have this stopped through the winter. It does not seem like a very good idea to start digging right when the weather is freezing and most digging is stopped. Again one has to wonder how this guy gets his permission.

This may sound weak, but I am inclined at this point to stop fighting. We offered to buy the lot. We spoke to the officials and rallied the neighborhood and he has found ways around everything. I don’t plan to park myself in the alley and live angry. Yes, I have tried to work with the elements and bring on a deep freeze, but it looks like this lot is going to become a well and that digging will occur all around us. I can just hope that the guys digging care enough to do it right.

It’s tough understanding how someone can manage to do something that seems so wrong so often with so much support. I guess I just don’t understand how we got to the point where building is so much more important than taking care of the land or the people already living there. But clearly this isn’t just one crazy guy. Even I know I have some part in a system that has made it okay to advance, grow and develop without really noticing the consequences.

I call it Yang vs Yin. Yang is the energy of action – advancing, developing, shaping and moving ahead. The Yin is passive energy – quiet, still and intuitive. In eastern philosophy the recommended path is to find balance. It seems in our western world that balance has been lost.

Today I can see the cost firsthand and really this is a very small insignificant piece. So I don’t plan to fight the builder, instead I want to take a closer look at my own life and figure out where it is I may be advancing and developing without regard to the world around me and really think about if that fits for me. I have no doubt there are places in my own life where I have stopped listening and just done what I thought was okay. Somehow that seems like the best way to ‘fight back’. Use Yin to counter the Yang. May be I’ll find some balance.

Connection, Vision

My Current Thinking on Energy & Evolution

We are energy beings.  What does that mean?  Well for me it means we vibrate and are fluid by design.  Sometimes that is hard to remember because my body and mind can get quite rigid and tight.  However, I know when I take a deep breath I can feel that vibration. Because we are vibrating beings, we are deeply connected to everything around us.  This planet and universe is all just energy and we are connected to that pulsing, oscillating frequency.  Energy moves in and out of physical form, appearing and disappearing.  We have spend eons of time trying to understand and confirm how this all works. But I wonder is that really the purpose of being here?

I realize there are many people who believe there is a God somewhere that will some day or in some way tell us or show us the bigger plan.  Myself I can’t imagine some masculine or feminine being out there with answers or directing the show.  I can imagine energy, moving, pulsating, vibrating – bursting into form, disappearing and appearing again.  I can also imagine that there is some type of consciousness or purpose beyond any one individual’s grasp.  From that perspective,  it’s not hard to believe that when this universe appeared we,  as living beings,  were more fluid and illuminated.  To me this means we were ourselves moving in and out of physical and non-physical experiences. As time passed we became more dense and our physical form less fluid.  I can imagine that because in this one lifetime that has been what has happened.  When I was young, very young,  my body vibrated. Babies are much closer to that fluid, pulsating beings and likely more connected to ALL or Source.  Maybe not consciously but organically and naturally. Then we learn to conform and ‘fit in’ and that path tightens and solidifies not just our muscular system but our minds and our beliefs.  This does make it possible to live together easier; however, we tend to do the conforming a bit to intensely and at some point often quite early lose touch or bury our deeper connection to that universal, pulsing energy.  We forget we are one and tend to believe we are The One.

This lifetime experience I believe is holographic to the planet’s experience.  Our planet or universe as been about experimenting with physical and non-physical forces.  Much like my short lifespan experience, the planet started much more fluid and pulsating and over time has solidified.

This is relevant I think because our planet is shifting back.  Science is beginning to uncover and report ways of understanding some of this through quantum physics and string theory.  We are evolving or may be simply returning or remembering. The planet’s rotation is reported as speeding up.  So are we.

Indeed this might result in a crisis and extinction of humankind and all life on the planet.  But if I don’t panic and simply recognize that my energy is revving up I can still breath and become aware.  I don’t really believe I am going to explode or become extinct.  Instead I find when I breath and tap back into the vibration I hear more, see more and discover ways I am connected to everyone and everything.

The stories we each live by and cling to are exploding and falling away.  The harder I try to hold on the tighter and more constricted I feel.  However, when I let go instead of no-thing I have a felt sense and greater knowing of the energy that is moving, pulsing and vibrating all around me.  My mind expands as does my body and spirit. Of course it also contracts again.  I am again in motion, moving and remembering, experiencing moments of timeless, space-less consciousness.  I am we and we are one. I can not stay there and may be that is the purpose. I am simply a contracting and expanding piece of a much bigger whole. When I am open and connected to that greater consciousness I get it.  When I contract I simply need to remember and allow the natural experience of being in an ocean.  Consciousness is never lost though at times it might be only visible to another.  It’s not all about me – we are in this together and once we get that – well who knows what will be possible!!

Life Experiences

Where the Wild Things Are

Okay I read the reviews and almost decided I would not go see the movie, Where the Wild Things Are. However, I was having a rough day and I wanted to just take myself to a movie  and the alternative was Love Happens. I quickly skimmed the reviews and decided Wild Things was my better bet.

One of the criticisms of the movie was that the monsters were not happy and that it was too violent.  Basically the biggest issue was that it might not be appropriate for children.  Well no problem there, I am almost fifty.

Personally I thought the movie was quite amazing.  The monsters were indeed sad, depressed, angry and even violent at times, but the boy, Max,  created them at a time when that did seem to be the theme of his life.  Yes I was lost at times but I could so relate to this inner world of demons and his tendency to be a bit grandiose about himself.  The idea that he could be king.  I myself have used my imagination many times to make myself the hero of some world.

One of the monsters, Carol was of course most disturbed – very angry and destructive – yet also the most creative and in some ways the most committed to the whole gang.  He wanted them to all sleep together in a big pile and he totally believed in Max. I liked Carol.  I could see me when I’m hurt or sad.  Yes I am fifty but I can still get sad and hate to show it. I prefer to howl in the wind then ask a friend to hold me while I cry.  Plus I want to believe there’s a way for us all to get along and be together and I do  imagine a world that is  much like Carol’s hand built kingdom.  I write like he builds and when I am hurt sometimes I hit delete and destroy the magical place as though that will somehow take away the pain.

Yes the movie was about the wild things – our monsters, inner feelings that we struggle to accept.  In the end the one mute monster simply asked, “will you say nice things about us” and I felt myself tear up.  Indeed it is so hard to embrace my inner demons.  The feelings and emotions that get me into trouble and create distance.  Yet I truly believe much like that mute monster, those feelings are asking for compassion, acceptance and feedback that I see them and will create a safe space for them to live.

I’m glad I took myself to the movie.  I am not dealing with my parent’s divorce or a sister who doesn’t acknowledge me.  But sometimes I feel very lonely and lost in my world.  As though I am not making much of a difference or scared of some horrible event that will wipe out the ones I love.  These moments stir up the wild things and may be I need to listen, to let the wild things have some space to rage and play and eventually sleep together in a big pile.  Yes, I think the movie helped remind me of the importance of taking care of my own wild things!


Life Experiences

Life is Like Theater – Our Job is to Make it Pop!

I have had the pleasure of going to the theater three night in a row.  Yes I have watched the same show each night.  I live in Whitefish, Montana not NY, so there are two theater groups but only one performance hall.  You may be asking why three nights?  Or thinking my partner or child must be in the show.  Truth is my partner is in the show which is the reason I had tickets for two nights.  But the reason I have gone three is because I love live threater.  Yes the lines are the same, the story doesn’t change; however, the actors interact differently with each other and the audience each night.

I would not go so often if it wasn’t a wonderful, inspiring play.  That does make a big difference.  The play, You Can’t Take It With You is a wacky comedy set in the 30’s with a timeless message about living your dreams and being happy not just successful.  The Sycamores are a family that remind me a bit of my own.  I believe I grew up in a home with lots of things going on, at times people coming and going who were not the norm and the message I got from my folks was one that did resonate with the theme of the movie; do what you love.

However, it wasn’t memories of childhood that took me back to the theater.  for the past six to eight weeks I have learned bits of the play quite well as CrisMarie practiced her lines and I played whatever part preceded her entry onto the stage.  I also learned many insider stories about the folks who were in the show with her.  Their past lives on the stage and their reasons for letting fame go to come and volunteer and thrive in community theatre instead of NY, LA or such places.  Still that wasn’t enough to get me there every night.  Though it was a significant piece.  The commitment these people make to a show is amazing.  They do become like ‘family’ and it is something meaningful and purpose driven.

Bottom line I came because each night I loved watching Rheba come to life.  CrisMarie has talked of acting for a while and yes she did perform and take many classes a few years back.  But this first full production has been something else.  She has thrived getting to know her part.  At times fearful she wasn’t going to get the accent and at other points believing she was missing the laughs.  But mostly she has been fully alive as Rheba – the Sycamore’s maid.  I have loved the transformation.  For me much more exciting the classes.  Plus she has found people like her.  People who love performing. People who have taken her in and shown her the ropes of community theater.

They’ve warmed up to me as well.  Of course not all shows may be as fun and delightful as this one.  There are still five more shows on this run and I imagine some will be less exciting then the first three.  I don’t plan on going to them all.

Still I don’t generally watch a movie twice or repeat a TV show especially and never night after night.  But live theater that is different.  If the lines are well written and the actors know their stuff each night comes to life – resonating with the audience in that moment.  Each night is different, unique and that makes theater pop!!

Live Theater seems like such a interesting blend of ego and collaboration.  The actors have to own their part and make it bigger then everything else.  Then let go of that so they can fully connect and relate to each other each night.  Add to that the the audience – an audience that laughs at different parts and in different ways each and every night, leaving the actor to wonder, did I hit my mark? Plus since it is live sometimes a line is dropped or missed providing that moment when someone either picks it up or finds a graceful way through without letting anyone know a mistake was made.

Live theater is really so much like life.  We are often repeating patterns, there is not a lot new about daily life. However, if we trust our lines and know our patterns, we can make ourselves important enough to fully embody our unique part.  Then we can open, relate and connect to the others on our stage and our audience.  That’s when life pops!!

Life Experiences

Dealing with My Internal Eruptions

Every once in a while I have these extreme reactions to things.  It is like a volcano is erupting inside.  Often the external events do not seem to warrant such a hugh reaction and I do my best to cover up the internal storm.  Yet I know I am not one who hides emotions well.  Too often I can feel my nostrils flaring and something will come out of my mouth that is loaded with intensity and energy.  I am getting better at noticing the signals and therefore try to regulate.  I do have to live with the consequences of my transparency.  Yes I have wished often for a better facial mask or easy skills at compartmentalizing until later.  But no – that is not my gift or charm.  I am the ‘reactor’ and can not hide when something seems incongruent to me.

Yesterday I had one of those moments.  As I was running a Board meeting, a topic surfaced that quickly resulted in a boiling point inside of me.  I did my best to navigate through the meeting without too much damage.  However, I am left wondering why was I so bothered.  The issue involved a history of allowing folks to ‘pay over time’ or give services in exchange tuition (this was a school Board).  The school has  struggled with financial issues but this has never been enough of a concern to stop the process.  At today’s meeting a new case was presented and it seemed the decision was going to be different.  This time the answer was ‘no’.  I am not sure why I was so angry but I was.  I guess because this had been such an incongruent process to date and frankly for me it seemed unfair that suddenly the ‘norm’ was going to be changed.  I did my best to deal with my reaction but left just needing to get some space.

Later I found I would quickly return to the same strong feelings and realized I was dealing with a significant level of resentment.  I had clearly not spoken over the years as the policy had been set and established to allow some to not pay or do very creative arrangements around payment.  Sure there were some real issues and reasons for me to be upset.  However, even know I get I am still avoiding the real issue.  None of this would bother me so much if I was okay with my own boundaries and commitments to the school, the Board and the folks involved.

Long ago I had learned that anytime resentment surfaces the key is to look at my own boundaries and discover where I was not honoring myself.  I have helped many people of the years shift from being resentful and angry simply by having them address their own unmet needs and unset boundaries. Generally once that is done the resentment vanishes.

For me I know I enjoy my volunteer work at the school.  However, I often spend more time focused and assisting the school then I do moving forward on some of my own important projects and dreams.  No one is making me do that but me.  I think I find it easier to help someone else or some other cause move out into the the world then myself.

Even as I write this the eruption inside subsides.  Indeed I do need to address the incongruent behaviour.  It is just not the school’s behaviour I need to be focused on.  First I need to work on my own.  Make time for my projects and be sure I am scheduling the time and support I need to make my dreams happen.  I am guessing once that alignment is right I will find an easy way to talk about the policies of the school and I doubt my nostrils will be flaring.