Life Experiences

I Wonder – What Is Enlightenment?

What does it mean to be enlightened or awakened? I am asking myself this question because soon a yogi master, Shri Mahayogi, will visit our yoga studio at Jodi Petlin’s invitation.  Shri Mahayogi is a man who was enlightened at a young age. He has mastered all forms of yoga and various teachings. In preparation for his visit, I have been reading his book, Satori. This is a series of questions and answers from Shanghas that have taken place over the years.

I am enjoying a great deal of the book, though I still wonder about enlightenment. Personally, the closest person I have known who I consider enlightened is Ben Wong. I say this because he has a presence about him that is profound, and when I sit with him or witness him working with someone, my heart opens in resonance with his ability to locate himself and invite the other to be fully open. There is always a moment of deep connection.

But is that enlightenment? As I read, I am learning that to awaken is to tap into the true essence of who I am. This essence is not related to any physical, emotional or mental state that I may or may not reach, but is rather, a vibrational resonance that is universal to all religions, practices and states of being.

I can not say that I have found that resonance yet through my yoga practice. Although as I focus more on lessons and classes, I am finding that my alignment is improving and my heart is opening, which is quite interesting. I am experiencing an energetic shift in my being. Not always and I would not say regularly—but there is a subtle, steady shift. I find at times I am uncomfortable with the shifting. I feel more vulnerable. This is a good thing but not always a comfortable experience.

Is this enlightment? Or on the path? I do imagine it is a part of awakening. To be vulnerable and live in the world with an open heart sounds inviting and worthy of effort.

Still, is that really the essence of everything? I wonder.

Weeks Later—After meeting with Shri Mahayogi

The opportunity to meet and be with Shri Mahayogi was quite wonderful. He had a sweetness and sincerity about him with a deep resonance in open-hearted moments. Listening to his simple wisdom struck a note deep inside me and though I was not always certain of the meaning, I felt the warmth and possibility that transcends words.

A few bits that really rang true:

There is one truth. Many paths lead there.

It seems like some of us need to try many paths while others follow only one and that is where most of the problems start.  If we could just remember we are all heading to the same place and that all paths are possibilities.

Grace is a moment when immortal essence meets pure faith.

This was my experience, completely, at my first Come Alive when Ben’s music, Jock’s accupuncture needles, Father Jack’s holy oil and everyone’s faith touched my cells. Cancer—gone. Grace!

Find a guru (a bright light) and commit fully.

For me that guru came through my Haven experience. I came to that place and I fully committed. The light is bright and I am still on the path to relational enlightenment.

What to do when in conflict: Speak honestly and let go of the outcome or results.

This last one may be the least profound but the hardest for me to live day-to-day.

In summary: My path is not his. However, as I return to chopping wood and carrying water, Shri Mahayogi’s light is still bright and so is mine as a result!

Connecting, Life Experiences

To Attach Or To Differentiate

It seems there is a great debate happening out there between therapists in Couples Counseling about the importance of Attachment and Self-differentiation. Here’s a link to one summary.

I believe this debate is like trying to figure out which came first, the chicken or the egg. I have my favorite which speaks more to my own story rather than to any significant truth. I like self-differentiation; I like to think of myself a independent or at least autonomous. Maybe I came out of the womb that way.

When we were designing the Couples Alive series for The Haven with our colleagues, the idea of attachment surfaced in our discussions. I immediately felt my repulsion to the idea, resisting the possibility of someone dwelling on the first years of life as an explanation for any neurotic and irresponsible patterns I carried into adulthood. I felt quite righteous and opinionated about my fight for self-defining and resilience as the more important developmental tasks for aliveness and connection in relationships.

However, when one argues too strongly for a point of view, there is usually something under the surface that is driving the righteous position. So there is little doubt that is/was the case here.

Some would say I am not particularly curious and gracious when I have a strong opinion. However, I often do find myself—after the fight—thinking through the alternative position. With a bit of humility, I often come back to the table or at least arrive at another table having redefined my position, influenced by all that I had argued so strongly against.

It seems this is the case with Attachment vs. Differentiation. I still favor self-differentiation. However, having done some reading and mostly some soul-searching after direct feedback from my partner and friends, I now believe in the importance and prevalence of attachment in couples.

I hate to admit the more helpless aspects of my own personality. The truth is, when I look beneath the surface, I am quite a dependent person. I may look tough or present as though I am not bothered by people disliking me. Yet, I totally crumble if that disliking person is CrisMarie (my partner). If I am honest with myself though, it has been CrisMarie’s willingness to accept and love me in the face of my own self-hate that has illuminated a path to greater self-compassion. Does this mean she needs to always embrace some of my less-than-wonderful traits? No. It just means there are moments when I may ask her to simply remind me that she loves me and is okay with my over-attachment to her. Then we can get back to our self-defining, arguing and enjoyment of our differences. I am willing to offer her that same moment of suspended judgment, that precious space where we can go in our darkest moments, knowing someone is there.

I don’t often reveal those moments to the world, thus my strong position for self-differentiation. I may have survived and even thrived at times on my ability to fight back and stand strong in the face of opposition, making an “I” statement in the face of “we”. But I have learned equally as much about loving and thriving by asking to be held and saying, “I need you to simply accept me in this moment”.

In my view, there is no winner in the great debate between Attachment vs. Differentiation. Both have an important role to play in my aliveness, in my loving others, and in my most significant relationships.

Valuing Differences

Celebrating Montana Style!

Another year of fireworks comes to a close here in Montana. Maybe it was the wetness or some signs of an improved economy, not sure the reason, but here in the great state of Montana, where buying and selling fireworks is a favorite pastime, the displays this year seemed longer and louder. At one point last night, while we watched the professional thirty minute fanfare, our surrounding neighbors sent off their own response. It was wild!

The hardest part for me was watching the impact it has on our dogs, and my concern that even with moist grounds there still seems a high risk for fires.

Poor Bailey, our two year boxer, has been wired to serve and protect all week. He heard the locals (meaning the houses at the end of our driveway) firing off rounds each evening. He ran to the edge of the driveway, barking and making every effort to chase off the unwanted attackers. As the week went on, with the help of melatonin and a thundershirt, he was a bit more relaxed. Of course last night was wild and we simply provided him with a chew toy and put him in his crate with some music once it got dark.

Sooke isn’t as geared towards protecting, but she clearly does not like the racket. She hides downstairs under my desk until we head to bed, where she curls up half under the bed to make sure she is still covered.

What is it about fireworks? I get that the big professional shows are sort cool to watch. But even that seemed way too long last night. We kept thinking, “this is the big final push,” and then there would be more. It’s okay and sort of fun, but it’s the home shows that I really wonder about. They seem a bit dangerous. We watched our neighbor setting off rockets last night. He actually does a lot to make sure things are safe. Still, there were a couple times when he was way to close, in my view, to the first rocket firing. Some of the other locals seem less geared to taking any safety measures. One neighbor just fires them off the back of his pickup truck and one of those came right up our driveway!

Long ago, I remember some wild times I had out on the lake sending off the 4th of July fireworks show for campers. I did think it was fun. However, I had the benefit of a big lake to dive into if anything went wrong.

Most of the states I have lived in have strict laws about fireworks. Not just anyone can buy and set off rockets and the bigger displays. Of course there are always a few folks that don’t follow those rules, but it’s nothing like it is here in Montana! These folks love their fireworks. It’s legal and once those firework stands go up, for at least a week we can all count on getting some sort of show each night!

Well, though I am glad to see the celebrations come to a close, I am grateful. I may think some folks are a bit crazy and don’t always agree with the choices they make. However, I am grateful to live where I have freedom to make choices. Even if does mean having to put up lots of noise and fireworks once a year for a week or so!

Life Experiences

Post Phase

I find myself in the transition between being fully engaged in the Phase program at The Haven and re-engaging in my life back in Montana. I thought writing might help. Yet the words are not flowing and I don’t seem to have any focus.

I did go to yoga this morning. Was the first time I have been to an actual class for a while. Was great! I believe my ‘home’ practice though not as long or as intense has actually helped with my flexibility and alignment. I enjoyed the class and left committed to making the effort to go more frequently.

Now I sit trying to find the same flow in returning to my blog. I had intended to write more while at The Phase. However, between getting engaged with the group and finding time for biking, breathing and walking with Carole – I found yoga easier to maintain than blogging.

Maybe that is why today’s yoga class came easier then posting a new blog. I do want to get back to a regular online rhythm.

The Phase was awesome. We had a good group. As always there were some challenging moments. Yet on our last morning together I realized I felt a warm and rich connection with each of folks who had been on the journey.

For a month I had allowed myself to become fully engaged and the lives of the Phase folks My focus was on creating a space for exploration, discovering and learning. Indeed the work is rewarding. I do believe the experience was/is transformative for some and I always learn a great deal about myself and my level of aliveness. This year was no different.

Coming back home though can at times be a bit rocky. There isn’t as much structure to my world in Montana. Meals come at different times and instead of the choices being laid out in front of me, I am the one preparing what I want to eat. There are no set time to be in the office or writing blogs. There is a schedule to possible yoga classes which again may be the pull to downward dog and not blog posting.

I don’t like to think of myself as someone who ‘needs’ structure. However, being on Gabriola often reminds me of the creative possibilities that come from a framework.

May be it’s okay to take a few days to find my way back into my world. Taking it easy and finding simple ways to re-connect and trust that I will get through the transition.

In the mean time there’s always a hockey game (yes – I became a Canucks fan while on Gabriola) and a scheduled yoga class or two that will provide a path. Soon may be my blogs will provide deeper messages or at least be posted more regularly.

Communication, Connecting, Connection

Back From The Edge

We just returned from Part II of the Couples Alive series, The Edge, at The Haven Institute in BC, Canada. In addition to being a part of the design team and leaders of the Couples Alive series, we are also committing to taking each part of the four part series as a way to deepen our relationship and ‘walk our talk’ so to speak.

I found the trip to The Edge quite enlightening. By saying that, I am not saying it was easy.

When we created the design for Couples Alive II, The Edge, we had talked about the idea of creating experiences that first allowed people to visit their own edges and then meet as a couple at the edge. That all sounds good, but it wasn’t until I found myself spiraling down into an OLD family of origin hole that I realized just how successful we had been at finding a good way to get people right to an edge. I won’t say I enjoyed revisiting the past; however, it was a great way to see how my ‘story’ of the past still influences and plays into my current relationships.

It was also amazing to get the opportunity to understand how our histories meet at times for a somewhat wild ride in the present.

Of course, for each of us, the edge can be quite different. There’s the situations from our own life experiences that can bring us to the edge and there’s the tension that occurs in a relationship when I want to be ‘me’ without risking losing ‘us’. There’s the soft spots that are hard to expose and there’s the conflict that occurs simply because we are unique and have differences.

Finally, after discovering many edges and meeting edge-to-edge at various points in the workshop, we closed by being reminded of that deep longing which bought us together in the first place.

Apparently, it’s simply human nature to want to find someone who has your back and who is also willing to journey to the edges, together.

I came home more committed and more revealed. Knowing I had work to do on my patterns, but was excited about the commitments we each made and the opportunity to put new learning into our life back at home and in our work.

Communication, Connecting

Indeed, I Do Have A Spiritual Practice!

A few years back, I was down in the San Francisco area participating in a program called Transformational Lessons. I was there with about 40 or 50 other folks. We started with introductions where we were asked to share our spiritual practices. I listened as each person spoke about either a yoga practice, a meditation/prayer, or mantra, and/or some guru or ashram where they were currently studying or regularly attending. As my turn arrived, I wondered what I was going to say.

I couldn’t really relate to the question, nor did I have any idea of an answer. At that time I was not at all interested in yoga (too tight for that) and I sort believed chanting, meditation, and ashrams were all about transcending this human experience–and I wasn’t interested in that.

However, I did consider myself a spiritual person. Finally, as my turn arrived, I spoke about the one practice that I believed transformed my life and has regularly provided me a pathway to my most spiritual experiences – connecting with other people in a deep and personal way that expands my reality. The practice involves utilizing The Haven communication model.

When I mentioned my practice, I could tell a few people did not understand how a communication model could be a spiritual practice. Since that day, I have regularly referred to The Model as a spiritual practice. These days, I practice yoga, enjoy chanting, and even regularly do some form of meditation. However, I still firmly believe the most spiritual experiences I have come from those times when I practice intimacy through open, honest, vulnerable communication – the essence of the communication model.

Almost thirty years ago I was introduced to The Model. Now after years of teaching it, practicing it and applying it in every relationship that matters to me, I still learn new things, discover deeper connections and expand my world.

Why? Because to practice The Model authentically, I have to fully own my judgments and whatever feelings I am generating. I have to take full responsibility for whatever experience I am creating or having. This requires discipline and can be hard. However, even more challenging at times, is suspending my own rightness about my views or opinions and listening with heart and curiousity to someone else. When done well there is an opening that takes me way beyond the limits of my human ego experience, providing a moment of loving that reminds me of the quote: “To love another person is to see the face of God”.

To me, that is what defines a spiritual practice, an experience that allows me to see the face of God. Something that I will likely never fully master and will continue work on as a way to open doors and bridge differences that not only transforms my life but profoundly impacts the world around me.

If you want to discover more about this model and possibly start you own practice, visit: The Haven website, www.haven.ca or better yet take any of their core programs.

Connecting, Life Experiences

Finding All Of Me!!

I am thrilled to be writing this blog as a way of supporting CrisMarie’s adventure into teleseminars! Thursday she’ll be doing her first solo online seminar. She has decided to focus this one on her interpretation of The Haven’s selves model.

I can always use a reminder of the many ways I avoid accepting and living with all of me. My ideal self would love to think I have this model down. (What is there to learn?) But the truth is, my actual self often isn’t quite as ideal as I would like.

For CrisMarie, an Olympic athlete, I find her take on this model refreshing because she focuses on tapping back into the authentic self. Of course in the end, it’s really about accepting all parts of me.

If you are interested in joining the teleseminar please follow this link:  Join us on Thursday April 14,2011 at 2PM PST.

Uncategorized

Working With My Little Ego-Self!!

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I am not really sure I am up for writing this blog. However, I know writing is often very helpful for me in finding a path through things I don’t really like feeling.

To set the context without giving details, I am having a tough time because I put myself out for something I thought I’d be good at, and someone else was selected. Now really, this sounds like a childhood story of not being picked as the captain at recess. The truth is, it feels a lot like that, and I sure wish it didn’t.

Right now I wish I had never thrown my name into the hat. It would have been much easier. I realize I have probably done that a few times in my life, not admitting I wanted something, watching someone else get picked without letting on that I was ever interested.

The problem for me with that approach is that I work with leaders and a leader’s job is to be willing to step up and be vulnerable. There’s a lot of vulnerability in saying you want the job, thinking you can do it. It is easy to see the ego in that effort, and sure, there has to be some self-confidence and desire to even say, “pick me”.

In my case, vulnerability may be a bit harder to see. I wanted the job but I wasn’t the one picked, and now I have to find a way to still be willing to play. That’s the tough part. I want to pull back and not get involved.

I want to say they didn’t pick the right person. I wish I wasn’t like that. The worst part is the humbling aspects of my very unattractive need to make the winner wrong.

Somehow that keeps the pain away. On some level I know this heartache isn’t all from this one event. That’s part of the problem. My rational brain could easily help me out of this mess. The person picked is actually pretty good. The truth is, I think the person selected is pretty regularly picked to be captain and I guess I wanted my shot.

Now I am trying to find some graceful path through this. I am working to embrace the ego aspect of myself that hurts and does some unattractive ego things; I am doing my best to avoid doing these ego-related activities out loud or at least not outside the circle of friends who know I am venting.

The next step is to reach out to the winner. As I mentioned before, it’s not like this person is the problem. I actually have enjoyed some of the work we have done together in the past. Maybe I will get to a place where I can find the best role for me to play.

I really wish could transcend my little ego self. But I have never been any good at transcending anything. The best I can do is dive right into my overly active storytelling self and do my best to ride through all the feelings that come up. I’d like to think I don’t spill them everywhere as I find my way through wild range of emotions that surface when I am hurting. I think I am better than I use to be. But there are still some occasional splashes and I need to do my best in cleaning things up as needed.

This is no hero’s journey, it’s more like a fool’s jump. I think I feel more alive as a fool rather than a hero. It doesn’t feel as comfortable, but life isn’t about being comfortable or looking good. It is about being real. This pain feels real and I imagine this too shall pass!!

Connection, Uncategorized

Recovering From My Blogging Blunder

It’s tough when my latest blog is old news before it gets sent to readers. I feel responsible for getting another post up quickly.

Technical difficulties resulted in yesterday’s blog arriving after last night’s game. So now I am quickly working to recover. I wish I could say my cold was gone and my head was clear. This blog might be easier if that was the case. Unfortunately, I am still a bit clogged and tired from a cold that is very, very slowly moving through my system!

As a result of this cold, I missed some fun events. Last night I had some great plans both for the big game and for supporting a local fundraising event for the school of which I am a board member. I didn’t think it was right to show up at the event coughing and contaminating everyone while asking for money to support our programs. Still, I would have liked to participate. I had also intended to watch the big game on my friend’s big HD TV. We had plans for sushi and basketball. Instead, I watched the game on my very small iPhone screen and ate Rice Dream. Not the same.

So I am not loving this opportunity my body is presenting me. I generally don’t do well with any type of health issues that demand I rest. I have trouble slowing down. Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I am driven or a workaholic, I am not that kind of fast or productive person. I like my walks, jogs, yoga, and connecting activities like lunch at The Green Tea House, or a movie with friends. So when I can not do those things, I find it hard.

I wish there was an easy way to get through a cold. The fact that I am even getting this post completed is a sign of improvement. At some point I will likely take Bailey out for a short walk in the woods. I may even make it to The Green Tea House. Life will return to normal.

But for now, this is the best blog I have in me for a quick recovery from my blogging blunder.

Life Experiences

Butler Again!!!

There are so many possible blog topics:  Butler University in the men’s NCAA National Basketball Championship game again, my saga with a cold that wouldn’t quit, more lessons through Bailey—and those are just the simple choices.  There are always the heavy hitter topics, like radiation leaks, earthquakes, the Middle East and stuff like that.

Let’s start with Butler.  Of course, I am rooting for Butler tonight.  There are so many reasons why.  Once again, this small school with way less money and resources is taking on a giant.  I even like UConn.  Well, I like some of the players.  Kemba Walker has a great story, and I have no doubt all of Harlem will be rooting for him to shine.  However, I still have to go for the little school with the geeky looking coach.  Tonight, Butler I hope takes home the championship.  I am rooting for the coach who is a math and science guy and who left the great corporate ladder to take the assistant coaching job because he loves basketball.  I am rooting for the team that has the higher graduation percentage and who isn’t under an NCAA investigation.  This isn’t a mistake this time around.  This Butler team came right back to the Final Four and back to the championship game.  They are not some wild card.  Tonight, I want to see them take home the prize!

I could go on and attempt to talk about other noteworthy topics. However, the cold I mentioned is demanding I quit trying to write long interesting pieces and wrap this blog up quickly. I think taking another nap may be more important than sharing deep insights.

Plus, if I don’t post this soon, the big game will be over and I will have missed adding my two cents along with all of the other bloggers out there about Butler and basketball.

with Susan Clarke