Uncategorized

Living Well Together

My theme for this year is Living Well Together.  onlineslide-hand-circle

I jumped into 2016 taking a program called Passionate Ease with Dr. Lawrence Conlan in Boulder, Colorado. One of his messages that stands out to me is his constant reminder that “Resistance is the way.” He means to enlightenment.

I know, right?!

Spiritual Awakening

This is a radical concept in the realm of spiritual awakening. I confess, I have not been interested in spiritual awakening. Over the years I have stayed far, far away from programs and paths that hint of transcendence or what I judge to be spiritual by-pass. Let’s just say, I don’t like experiences that encourage moving beyond this human experience without owning up to it!

Conlan’s mantra is radical in the world of spiritual seekers, and it’s also been the message at The Haven for well over thirty years.

The Haven has always been about creating richer connections with ourselves, each other, and in our communities. Not through transcending but through becoming curious and fully engaged in living well together, just as we are. In other words, being human, accepting the messy, and fully realizing the spiritual in each of our human beings – embodied!

Enlightenment or Embodiment?

So for me, Conlan’s message isn’t about enlightenment – it’s about embodiment!

But what if those two concepts really were not that different!

That is something I am very curious and interested in pursuing! Which brings me to my current theme for 2016: Living Well Together.

This is a Haven tagline. One that presents as quite simple, yet I find there are many layers worth exploring.

Fractures and Gaps Between Us

First there’s the obvious. As our headlines and news stories reveal, we aren’t really living all that well together these days. There are so many fractures and widening gaps between countries, cultures, sexes, races, people and even us and our planet!

Why is it so hard to live well together?

I am a believer that what happens on the outside is a simple a reflection of the inside!

Meaning living well together isn’t just about me, living well with my neighbor – no it’s also about be living well with all of me – the many parts of me.

For example, when I attempt a new challenge, some part of me is excited and feels courageous. Then there is another part of me that is full of self-doubt terrified of failing. Often, I want to banish that part of me. It is unattractive and gets in the way of me moving forward confidently. It is my resistance in moving forward. This is the part of me that is often difficult for me to accept, yet, both of these parts are inside me and need my attention and care.

Accepting and Embracing Me First

Most of the time, if I am honest, I have an easier time living with my neighbor than accepting all the messy, scary, unattractive parts of me.

The project of living well together is first a project about embracing and accepting my unattractive, uncomfortable parts. Then, I have much more room for embracing and accepting other people.

It is easy to see all the pain and separation in the world and think that is the problem. I do agree that there is work to be done “out there.” However, I find that the outside work is much more effective if it first comes from the inside out.

Living Well Together from The Inside Out!

Join me in making this year one that is about living well together – both inside and out!

I’m imagining some of you spiritual seekers have already clicked through to the Passionate Ease Retreats. Of course, I recommend one of Lawrence’s programs.

I am also assuming many of you were intrigued about having richer connections and stronger relationships so clicked through to The Haven and Come Alive.

Whichever, gets you started – just do it!

Especially if you notice any resistance because indeed resistance is the way – to embodiment, enlightenment, AND, most importantly, to living well together – from the inside out!

Leadership, Uncategorized, Valuing Differences, Voice, Vulnerability, Women

Iron-Fisted Power Is Not Leadership

Many years ago my friend, Susa Holt, told me I had to meet CrisMarie Campbell, an Olympic rower.  I could hardly wait to hear first hand what it was like to be an Olympian!

Yet, when I asked CrisMarie about the Olympics, she almost bit my head off, saying “I don’t like to talk about that – I was a loser!”

I was a bit stunned.   I know all to well how our heroes are often the masters of self-hate!  Fortunately, I met her as she was just heading into a Come Alive, and I figured this was a ripe area for her to do some great work.

She did.  Over the years, I have been a witness to CrisMarie’s reclaiming her Olympian.

_I8P7019-EditShe now uses her rowing stories as great examples of the difference between simply a boat of champions, the 1988 Olympic boat,  and a Championship team, the 1987 World Champion silver medal boat.

Today is a new chapter.  Her collegiate and national team coach made the headlines this month.  His long tenure at the University of Washington ended when the current team of rowers challenged his leadership style.

Here is the link to the Seattle Times article:  Firing of UW Rowing Coach

CrisMarie caught the news and wanted to reach out to the rowers.  The headlines presented a story line that seemed to imply the biggest issue was “an age gap” between the coach and his rowers.  The paper even went so far as to imply may be the rowers were pampered.  Really?

Well, CrisMarie had a long history with Bob and wasn’t about to stay silent. She wrote an opinion letter to the sports editor of the Seattle Times. He opted not to publish it.

I like that CrisMarie spoke up.

I like that she reflected both the brilliance AND the iron-fisted misuse of power that is all to often called leadership.

Mostly I love that she challenged the real issue, Bob did not want feedback and that is simply not leadership.

Below is her opinion. It is one woman’s story and perspective.  Regular readers know, that I am a big believer that there is never one side to any story.

However, I also believe silence in the face of popularity and power are deadly in so many ways.

 CrisMarie’s Opinion Letter, December 11, 2015

I am compelled to speak because of the apparent prevailing opinion that Bob Ernst was an excellent coach who deserved a better send off. No doubt Bob made Washington rowing more successful; however, as a leader of people, he failed.

First let me speak to my own direct experience with Bob. I rowed at Washington from 1982-1986, won the ’84 and ‘85 National Championships, and was the ’85 stroke and Team Captain. I went on to a silver medal win at the 1987 World Championships and then to the 1988 Olympics – all with Bob as my coach. I was, by many people’s standards, a winning rower. I was strong, smart, disciplined and hard-working. I credit Bob with making me a successful rower.

Bob is brilliant and was a revolutionary rowing coach– but not because of his leadership style. While he advanced Washington and Women’s Rowing, both at the collegiate and national level, Bob was not an effective leader of people.

In my six years of rowing, I only lost two official competitive races, and yet I walked away feeling like a loser. Why is that? My experience with Bob was that I was only as good as my latest win on the water. His strategy included blaming rowers for losses, and when we did lose, treating us, I felt, as unworthy human beings. He also used ultimatums to drive compliance.

When I injured my back training for the Olympics I considered missing one practice of our regular “two-a-day” sessions.  Bob yelled: “either she’s in the boat every day or she’s not in the boat at all!” I got in the boat. While the choice to get in that boat was mine, it is important to underscore the power a coach has over team members to make them perform. And when we lost at the Olympics he blamed me for losing the race by getting in the boat with injuries. Really?

His pronouncement of blame was demoralizing in 1988, and I was shocked to hear him repeat it ten years later. When a coach or leader devalues the team his power becomes abusive and the coach ceases to lead.

As a result of my experience with Bob, I have dedicated my career to helping business leaders produce high performing teams that are both smart (“winning”) and healthy (people matter). Team success is often a result of the leader’s willingness to step out of the “command and control” style and get feedback from the team. This drives team engagement and better team results long-term.

In reading the details of what transpired with Bob and the team, he seemed unwilling to be either vulnerable or curious with the team. Bob could not find a way to use the conflict to create a better outcome both for the team and himself. It wasn’t the job of the UW Administrators to do that, it was his job as a leader.

Marlow Mizera, the coxswain who spoke up to Bob, is a hero of mine. She is a leader. She had the courage to stand up to the most powerful coach in Washington Rowing. These women wanted to give their coach feedback on the impact of his style; they wanted to work with him. Unfortunately, he was unwilling to lean in and hear the feedback, which is sad. They did something I wish I could have done 30 years ago.

This is not about an age gap between Bob and the new generation of rowers. This issue has gone on a long time – it’s about confusing iron-fisted power with leadership.

I do wonder if Bob had been willing to hang in, hear, and honor some honest feedback, whether he and the team could have turned this conflict into a win for both him and the Washington Women Rowers.

CrisMarie (aka Chris) Campbell  Co-founder of thrive! inc., works with leaders and their teams to transform conflict into innovative results. Her TEDx Talk is: Conflict – Use It, Don’t Defuse It!

 

Connection, Life Experiences

Bridging Worlds: In & Out

I started this post, sitting in an Alaska boardroom about to head back to Whitefish. Before this, I had a fly-by visit in Seattle to celebrate my sister Penny’s 60th birthday!

Penny’s official birthday was November 19, and there were a variety of celebrations that started on that day and continued through the Thanksgiving holiday. When I visited at the end of the week, I was told it was the culmination of the celebration and was going to include all I love about her family, the Reids.

Penny's new Book!
Penny’s new Book!

Yes, there was going to be a party, and at some point the singing of the traditional birthday songs! But even more importantly, this evening marked the release of Penny’s first book, Bridging. Both Clarke and Carolina, my amazing niece and nephew, would be there too. Clarke planned to play music with a couple members of his current band, and Carolina was driving from Portland with my Mom. Rob, my brother-in-law, ensured me that the party would include awesome food. Plus, I had a bed to sleep in! Perfect!

Reflecting back, I have no regrets making the journey, even if I did miss Melissa, my other sister, who had made the trip for the official birthday date, and CrisMarie was just not able to fly over for just a 24-hour visit. (Someone had to take care of Rosie, right!)

Now sitting in the boardroom, I had an opportunity to read my sister’s book, Bridging; a book about one woman’s, my sister, journey to bridge two very different cultures while also dealing with a much more universal journey of living and dying. The book is touching, human and a great read.

It can be a bit of a scary proposition when a family member writes a book and you get one of the copies. Sure you want to be supportive, but what if you don’t like it! Plus, I opened the book while the Seahawks were playing on the big screen. I was not confident I would successfully stay focused.

But soon into the read, I was more deeply engaged in my sister’s journey than in the Seattle Seahawks!

It’s not that I haven’t known that my sister was a strong writer. She is. I have read various shorter pieces authored by her and know that she has a strong literary style. She has also been a strong supporter of my writing process. But I believed our writing was very different. She is much more poetic and literate in her style.

But as I dove into Bridging, I was engaged by the humble and real storyline of Penny’s efforts to become fluent in Spanish and emerge herself in a lifestyle so different than her own.

I loved reading the book. I read most of it on the plane and finished it the next day.

I enjoyed the team effort reflected in her decision to intersperse pieces written by others who were either family, friends or travelers like herself. I loved that the writing, mostly English with Spanish words and phrases weaved in, was able to reflect her own developing language ability. Toward the very end, there was much more Spanish. And yet even someone like myself was able to understand while also acquiring a taste of what it had been like for her.

I even enjoyed her references to religion, hope and faith even though I am on a much different path than her. I found myself connected and appreciative of the importance her faith and spiritual community is to her. I liked that she spoke about the challenge she faces as someone who works in education and values the importance of separating church and state.

But what was most surprising was what I interpreted as our deeply shared passion to not stay restricted and limited by our own story or narrative. It is so to easy live a lifetime thinking our story is the only story.

Her version of expanding her story was truly multi-cultural. It was literally about traveling beyond the border of America, listening to and appreciating the culture of others who have a completely different language, history and socio-economic experience. My focus is much closer to home. Yet, as I lived in the pages, I was touched by the similar deep desire to find a way to bridge beyond our differences.

I was also moved by the storyline that was not quite as obvious – her dealing with death and dying. I loved how the book weaved in my father’s process of dying, which for her had been such a profound journey. Then she closed with having to let go of Roxy, the family dog. Though Roxy did not have the same long-term storyline or heavy impact on her own making, Roxy clearly had a huge impact on Penny’s heart. Both connections for Penny, so profound, yet so different.

In the end, the weekend and the book, reminded me that our differences are both our greatest challenge AND our greatest opportunity.

I encourage you to go Amazon and get a copy.

I know I won’t likely be one who dives so deeply into a language or culture as Penny has done. But I get that her journey is not that far from my own.

I think we both long for the same possibility – a bridge that connects us through differences, and values the richness that comes from having the courage and faith to venture and explore both sides!

 

 

 

 

Connecting, Valuing Differences

Breathe, Feel the Cracks, and Let the Heart Open

Today as I read the news and the sad storyline out of Paris France, I just find myself wrestling with how stuck we are in a world of right and wrong.

It seems so easy to just say terrorism is just wrong. But I just can’t help but think those people deciding to bomb or fire into a crowd, somehow think they are right.

So much about the world these days is based in right or wrong. What does it really mean to take right action or wrong action? The underlying assumption is that there is a right or wrong action.

Well, I am here to say ‘right’ action is sometimes just all ‘wrong.’ Right-wrong is just getting old and way past its time. The idea of – do the right thing – is just a bit too narrow and a mental construct.

Yes, our minds are one of our greatest assets. You won’t hear me suggesting that we shouldn’t use our minds. However, I don’t think our minds are of much value without the wisdom of our most inspiring asset – our heart.15845528_m

Yes, I am speaking of that somewhat fragile, pumping organ sitting just left of center in our chest and much more spoken of in metaphor than in words or facts.

We are in awe of someone’s mental abilities, terrified by another’s mental illness, and doubtful of, or overly confident in, our own intellectual capabilities.

But we are moved and inspired by the human heart’s capacity.

Art, music, poetry and inspiration are the outpouring of the heart – not to be measured but to be tapped – an unlimited expression of spirit.

When we go for ‘right’ action – our breath restricts and we narrow and focus in on what is ‘right’

When we go for inspired action our breath deepens and there is a bridge. As a result, the mind is inspired by the heart.

What becomes possible isn’t a linear, right-wrong answer or solution. When breath bridges the distance from our minds to our hearts there is an opening into infinite possibilities.

We can’t explain, define it, or measure it – but we know, feel, and recognize it. We live and revel in those moments.

However, the courage it takes to live an inspired life is not easy. There is not a book or a ‘right’ way to get there. There is no there. Just breath, just a pumping heart, and a story that isn’t set, but flexes with the input of another, and notices and responses to the amazing world and all the diversity and possibility.

Today I reminded, I do not know what is right. I do not know what is wrong. I just know my heart has been cracked. I could focus and use my mind to figure out what action to take, or I can just breathe and feel the cracks, fears, and uncertainty. Let my heart inspire my actions, my stories, and my next steps.

Hearts will continue to be cracked, even broken, and with breath old stories will be inspired and possibly shifted and changed. Morphing into genius and new possibilities – inspired by the fragility and vastness of the heart!

Listen, breathe, and allow your stories to be inspired by your cracked and open heart. Only then will you, and we, find an inspired life and action worth taking – not for the outcome, but for the connection and untapped creative potential that can come when the mind and heart work together!

Today hearts are broken on all sides of old stories. Let the breath in, feel the cracks, keep your heart open, and soak your stories before taking your action.

Business, Life Experiences

Tools for a Highly Reactive Person – Access to Now

CrisMarie introduced me to a book, The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) by Dr. Elaine Aron. Though I am not generally fond of labels, as I listened and learned, a great deal of the information fit CrisMarie and my experience of her.  I, on the other hand, do not think that I am a highly sensitive person.

No, I think I am more of a highly reactive person. Is there a book for that? There probably is.

Over the years, I have worked very hard to take responsibility for my reactivity. Early on I was determined to rid myself of it. I don’t want to say that effort was pointless, but it was somewhat heartless. Yes, I taught myself some self-management techniques, but I was making myself wrong more than helping myself. That approach isn’t sustainable over time.

There are so many books out there about how to be different, how to change and become better: more authentic, more productive, more alive, happier, healthier – better! Some of those books have great ideas. However, I do tire of hearing about how I need to change to become someone other than I am.

To tell you the truth, I am not so sure change is really possible.

For me, over time I have developed some self-compassion and discovered that my reactivity developed for a good reason and did serve me early in my life, and it even has some valuable information for me. In other words, my reactivity was not really my biggest problem.

No – it seems the biggest issue for me, and frankly, I think for most of us trying to live and thrive as humans, is finding acceptance and compassion for ourselves, whether highly sensitive, highly reactive, or any other label out there.

I have shifted the amount of time I spend stuck in high reactivity or making myself wrong through self-hate. Though let me be clear, I am still someone who can catapult myself into a spin of “compare and despair,” or flare when I interpret someone is acting without regard to their impact on others. However, I am much quicker to notice, to pause, and to acknowledge what is happening.

More recently, having just completed a program called Access to Now, with Sherrie Toews from Effortless Momentum, I have put into practice some simple, practical, and elegant tools, that help me re-balance when I hit a bump in my fast paced world.

Many of the situations I am in as a leader, coach, and facilitator demand that I shift out of my reactivity or self-hate quickly and get back in the moment. Once I am out of the immediate demand of the situation I can decide to go back and review something that happened and may even allow some more in-depth emotional processing, but I like that with the Access To Now tools I have a choice rather than just getting stuck.

Bottom-line, this human experience isn’t about becoming someone different. It’s about discovering ways to embrace, accept, and value who you truly are! When that happens choice becomes possible! With choice there is freedom!

Thanks, Sherrie!

If you are interested in learning more about Access to Now, Sherrie is starting her next program October 26, 2015. I highly recommend it, but more importantly, I recommend accepting yourself!

Life Experiences

Pioneering Living It!

Living It online! Yes!!
Our first session on Skype!

We launched the first Living It! September 11th, with a weekend in person at The Haven, with online sessions to follow! It’s been a year or more in the making. The initial plan, to launch a nine-month blended onsite and online Living Alive Phase I, did not make it out of the gates. However, we listened and tweaked the plans and came up with Living It!, a much shorter format, designed to give people a taste of a blended program.

I have to admit I expected a different collection of folks than the ones who arrived in the circle on the evening of the 11th. I was anticipating people who were adept and comfortable online or on computer. Not the case. In our opening circle it was clear some were newbies to the land of the internet and others spoke right up about their lack of confidence in the online part of the program.

Wow! Right at the outset we were confronted with a few challenges and some resistance to a core portion of the program!

However, living it was not called loving it – and I guess for a good reason!

We could have been discouraged or bagged the design. But no – instead we decided to make the most of just what was happening.

Truth is, I appreciated the honesty and I guess I’d be the first to admit living it for me has always had some significant elements of resistance, fear and reactivity!

So, instead of waiting for the online dates to start we built the online learning into our weekend!

What we discovered was the creativity that comes from diving into conflict, resistance and the potential of people choosing in, instead of opting out!

I loved how our computer literate members stepped up and partnered with those who were uncertain or new to Skype. Frankly, the lessons offered were way more patient and relational than I would provided if I had tried to get everyone up to speed myself.

I also loved that the people resistant or new, jumped in, even with fear and doubts. I found each courageous and developing computer chops much faster than I ever did!

One of our evening groups was done via Skype and the evening was filled with laughter, failure and a coming together (literally –six folks cuddled very closely together so they could be seen by others on the Skype screen, with Toby and I running between other rooms trying to invite, accept and add everyone to the party!). Yes, it was quite rich!

We also took full advantage of the circle and our time together in person to revisit and refresh some of the core models and bring them to life with breath and energy! I loved the commitment and willingness that folks had in stepping forward and sharing, listening and relating!

We weren’t certain how Living It! was going to go. It wasn’t, and isn’t, a set format. However, I am thrilled to be a part of the pioneer program and enjoying all those folks along for the ride!

If nothing else we all know now that indeed you can be personal, relate, laugh and learn online AND in person!

Indeed we are Living It! Thanks guys for making it happen and making it real!

Life Experiences

Completion!

37538028_m
Susie’s Unfinished Stuff

When I was young I would spend my summers at camp, which had a wonderful arts and crafts program.  Almost every day I would spend time working on a summer craft project.  I loved the feeling of  working with wood.  I started spoons, forks, a lamp, a duck, a fish, board games – I had such high hopes.  Alas, I believe almost all of my projects ended up in a box of in-completes, like the misfit toys.  I’d start with gusto, but at some point the wood would crack, something would look more promising to start, or I’d simply tire of the struggle and give up.

My memory is that box in corner stayed throughout my many years at camp and was labeled – Susie’s Unfinished Projects!

It’s possible I have dramatized and over-personalized that box of unfinished projects, but I do know that I was one of the primary contributors.

Over the years the memory of that unfinished crafts box, and my success in filling it, has indeed haunted me.  See, I am just not that great at finishing.  I am all about the excitement and possibility of starting and the joy of learning, but I can be a bit weak on crossing the finish line.

So today I am celebrating a completion!  A solid start to finish effort on my part!

At the start of the year I was wrestling with my father’s dying process and all the unfinished business I had with some of the pieces and history of my life.

Over the years, I have done a lot of work in reclaiming my life and have shifted from focusing on the past drama, to now becoming a healthy, thriving person, charting my own destiny.

Still I knew things were resurfacing from the past, during the last few months of my father’s life and  I wanted to see if I was ready to integrate these pieces and feel complete.

I decided to embark on a coaching/counseling project with a highly recommended therapist in my area.

I’ve got to say, I had some fears of explicitly revisiting the past.  I did wonder if I was opening some crazy can of worms that I might wish I had left unfinished.  But I also wanted to discover if I had the resources to stir up the past and in the process resolve some of the reactivity I knew was a big part of my current charm. Okay. I call it charm, but I know some of you reading might have other words for my reactivity!

Well today I sat with my therapist after eight months of consistent work on a series of events from my life that have haunted me, and as we talked, I realized I was complete.  We talked about my intentions in starting the project and I realized I had done what I came to do.

I also had just come home from leading a Come Alive at The Haven in which I had stayed in touch with my joy, curiosity, and love of the work and the people in the room.  I hadn’t gotten impatient, reactive, nor found myself hooked in an old story.  Was everything perfect – of course not – but life isn’t about perfect.

In addition, in the process of my eight month reclaiming project,  I delivered our TEDx Talk: Conflict – Use It, Don’t Defuse It!,  which was an on-stage opportunity to uncover my past and share it without crumbling.

Earlier today I also finished and published I written piece I am most proud of: How Surfacing Conflict Saved My Life.  For me it was a powerful experience of telling my story and not getting stuck or caught in how it would be received.

So today I walked out of my therapist’s office feeling complete.

As I drove home I remembered that incomplete crafts box and all those unfinished projects.  I thought about other in-completes in my life, like my book or relationships that no longer serve me. Things that I have started, but have not been clean, clear, or successful in crossing the finish line.

Today, I felt differently.

I am grateful for the journey and for my therapist’s reflection to me that my work with her is complete.

Wow!

So today I am celebrating!  It’s like taking a few of those incomplete projects out of the art box, finishing them, and placing placing them on the mantel, recognizing indeed they are done and are works of art – as is my life!

Uncategorized

Living It! – Join Us Sunday!

onlineslide-words-jumpingAll of you who follow my blog know that I have tremendous love and commitment to The Haven and the core programs there.  Indeed, I turned my life around there, and still after thirty years continue to learn, grow, and get my beliefs and stories challenged and expanded by leading and taking programs at The Haven.

However, as much as I love The Haven, it’s really not the place, the faculty, or all you folks who come to Haven that have been the reason my life is transformed.  Sure, I love being there with you all, but the bottom-line is that it wasn’t five days of a Come Alive or various month long programs that made me different.

No.  It’s an on-going, never-ending commitment to Living It – that makes the difference.

Learning is great.  Places that support and create a wonderful environment for exploring and discovering are awesome.  The Haven is certainly that place, but if you can’t take those lessons home or back to work, it’s just a wow! experience.  Nothing wrong with wow! But for me, the test is how I live what I learn everyday!

I often hear someone say in a program – “I can’t be like this back in the real world!!”  I challenge that idea because really Haven is the “real world.”  Still, I do understand that it is easier to try something new when you are outside of normal or familiar.  I would agree – The Haven and Gabriola are that for me.

I think the real work does come when you get home.  As I have often shared – fighting cancer was a hell of a lot easier than living beyond it!  There was a charge, a fight, and an easy choice when I was dealing with cancer.  When the fight stopped, it was harder to keep making choices for my own aliveness.  There’s a risk and an edge to that type of living.  Still, I do think it is what living is all about!

So if you took a Come Alive or a Phase and you have struggled to Live It  back in your ‘real world.’  Join Toby and myself to talk about that challenge.

Sunday – August 23 at 1PM PT on a webinar.  Register Now! You can also take the challenge of joining us for the new Living It Program starting Sept 10th.

Whatever you decide I would love to hear from you. How do you Live it, meaning how to you take what you learn and apply to yourself, your life, your relationships or your work? Tell me.

 

 

 

Business, Valuing Differences, Vulnerability, Women

This May Cost Me $15,000, but I’m Still Saying It

24227270_mIn this piece, I plan to be forceful, maybe even abrasive. According to one Fast Company Article, the act of me being forceful could cost me in the range of $15,000, simply because I am a woman.

Really? You have got to be kidding!

Yesterday morning I read two different Fast Company articles that created a burst of rage in me! One was about my reduced pay for being forceful. The other was even more bothersome. Studies show that the word abrasive only shows up in women’s performance reviews – not men’s. Men may get a mention of impatience but followed by –but aren’t we all?

Fast Company, are you just trying to piss me off? It’s working.

Yes, I admit women and men’s inequality has been a longstanding issue. I remember running smack dab into it when I was eleven. Myself and Laura, the other best player on our little league team, both got tossed off the team because we were girls.

Really? We were the best players. You have got to be kidding.

At that young age, I don’t think I had a clue how to be forceful. Instead, I gave in, tossed my glove in the closet and moved on to tennis. Once I switched sports, I was playing one of the boys, and was told, “You need to tone it down, and should really think of letting him win.”

Really?!

This time I paid no attention. I went ahead and won. Yes, it did ruin my chances of getting high school dates, but that wasn’t what I was really after anyway.

So those types of comments have been around a long time. Frankly, it just makes me angry!

Was that how I was suppose to start learning to be nice and polite?
Or learn that I should not be forceful?

Really?!!

Why is there such a double standard? I have no doubt that there are men out there angry that they have been told, not to cry, or be so sensitive. I feel for you. Though, I also know that women in business get that same feedback frequently. Still, it may even have cost you guys $15, 000 in pay as well. So I will show some empathy.

What would it take to get over all of the crazy assumptions, stories, and stereotypes we use over and over? Pretending, or trying to pretend, that we don’t have these stereotypes is not working.

Well, I do believe one thing: It will take a little forcefulness to change.

Am I being abrasive? You probably think I am.
Am I being angry? Yes, because I am angry.
I think you should be as well.

I would love to rage loud enough for people to hear. We cannot keep stereotyping and classifying genders, races, and cultures and pretend we are a country of equality.

Truthfully, though, we will. Pretending we won’t, isn’t a viable solution.  We are ALL prejudice in some way.  Our only path through it is to own up to it and talk about it.

It takes courage to own up to my storytelling and share it. It takes vulnerability and curiosity to deal with our differences together.

Right now, I am angry at men.  Of course, it isn’t all men, and it isn’t great that I bundle them all together.  But I do in moments like this.

So I am owning up to my story, and don’t want to stay here, I want to get curious.

  • Why doesn’t the word abrasive show up on a man’s performance review?
  • Why shouldn’t women leaders be forceful?

Tell me. Really.

Susan Clarke is a Speaker, Consultant, and Coach at thrive! inc. Clients refer to Susan, and her partner CrisMarie, as “The Team Doctors” because they focus on the health of the team in order to get the team to smart business results. They just released their TEDx Talk: Conflict – Use It! Don’t Defuse It! Contact Susan at [email protected].

Life Experiences, Uncategorized

Come Alive – Self-Responsible Relational Living & Leading!

In May, CrisMarie and I had the chance to do a TEDx Talk: Conflict – Use It, Don’t Defuse It! right here  Whitefish.

It was a bucket list experience for me.  Yes, doing a TEDx talk was one piece of that, but being able to be on the stage with my life and work partner, CrisMarie, and sharing my own transformational experience from my first Come Alive at the Haven was the bucket list part.

When I arrived at the the Haven in 1984, I was dying.  When I left, I was awake and alive!  Of course, the journey really wasn’t a five day transformation. Yes, the tumors were gone, but that didn’t mean I had a clue how to keep living it!! What I did know was that something else was possible, and I wanted more of that!

I had an experience that woke me up to the possibility of living beyond my limiting story and circumstances.  In other words, I  was embracing the possibility of self-responsible relational living!  Now, that was, and is, a practice, and frankly, a spiritual one well worth pursuing!

That concept of embracing self responsibility was not easy.  I still have a quick twitch tendency to blame – either myself, others, God, or the universe.  That blame is an easy escape route from being connected to the world around me.  When I am unwilling to respond, I stay trapped in my reaction, or in a right/wrong place, and as a result, my world is isolated and quite small.

For me, the key was curiosity!  Getting out of that right/wrong trap is still a practice I have to embrace daily, however, now, it’s exciting and very enlivening!

The relational part took even longer to fully embrace and is big reason I was so thrilled to do our TEDx Talk: Conflict – Use It, Don’t Defuse It! together.  When you watch it you will see how relational it is. We start out personally. We make mistakes, sing a song, and a flub the very last line. It is funny and poignant. At least, we hope that is your experience in watching it.

To me, it was definitely real and relational.  It is that relational piece which  has made the lessons of Haven spiritual and sustaining.

Today, CrisMarie and I at thrive! inc., work with leaders and teams.  I am thrilled to be taking self-responsible relational living to self-responsible relational leadership!

I love that the roots of who we are in the world are grounded in that transformational experience I had years ago in a Come Alive. I also love that in many ways the concept is simple. Live and lead with vulnerability and curiosity – embrace our differences and use conflict to change/connect the world!

For me that is what Come Alive offers –  a wake up call to action.  A chance to change my world through surfacing conflict and using it as an energy source for transformation, creativity and innovation.

That is also the essence of becoming a self-responsible relational leader!

If you are stuck or frustrated in your life, I suggest taking a Come Alive!  Try on self-responsible relational living! Come join us for our Come Alive starting August 30, 2015.  (Next dates March 6-11, 2016)

And it if you are a leader, frustrated by your team’s results, give thrive! inc. a call and consider embracing self-responsible relational leadership!

Want to see the TEDx Talk Conflict – Use It, Don’t Defuse It!  Watch it, share and spread it! We think it is an idea worth spreading!

with Susan Clarke