Category Archives: Vulnerability

Vulnerability, writing

Day 4: From Miles To Meaning A Memoir

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How I felt Taking Healing Through Writing – yes!

A few simple prompts – a memoir? Maybe.

Last day – last class.

Rough but real:

A Moment in My Body

The sweet sugar and icy chill washed through me.

I had never tasted anything so wondrous. As I swallowed the liquid from the tiny paper cup handed to me, I turned to see the source.

Coke.

No way. And yet — despite my disbelief — I surrendered to the ecstasy of that syrupy liquid. It quenched my thirst, revived me, energized every cell in my body. I let myself savor it slowly, taking smaller and smaller sips to make it last.

Time stood still.

With my eyes closed, I crushed the empty cup in my hand and let it drop into the garbage container.

As I walked away, the tingling flavor still dancing on my tongue, I felt a gentle hum of satisfaction grounding me.

Then I noticed — the aches in my body, the quiet joy of completion.

An Insight That Changed Everything

I’ve come to understand that forgiveness isn’t really for the other person — it’s for me.
But it is relational. It opens a doorway between us.
It’s about adjusting my own mind, softening my stance, so I can truly see, hear, and know another.

That realization shifted something deep inside me.

When I fully grasped that forgiveness raises consciousness — that it opens my heart — something clicked.
It stopped being a nice idea and became a lived experience.
A tectonic shift in how I saw, how I felt.

Of course, I still slip.
I fall back into judging others — or worse, myself —
getting stuck in that old loop of blame, of right and wrong.

But when I let go of the judgment and lean into curiosity instead, something changes.
There’s expansion.
I notice more.
Not mentally — not with the mind — but energetically.

I sense it:
energy, frequency, sound, vibration — possibility.

What was stuck begins to move.
And then I realize — it’s not just the situation that’s been freed.

It’s me.
I was the one who was stuck.

And now, I am free.

From Miles To Meaning or Running to Real: A Memoir

Running was my joy.
Morning runs before work.
Evening runs after.
Weekends too.

I ran until I couldn’t run anymore.

The doctor called it a disorder.
The therapist called it trauma.
So I fought the demons — and the demons fought back.

My body was desperate to quit.
But my dog reminded me to keep going.

Eventually, I found a haven.
A space where I didn’t have to explain or prove why I was the way I was.
I just had to show up — be real, be honest, in the moment.

There, I learned to bridge the gap between the old chaos —
the drama, the trauma —
and something new.

I didn’t have to be right.
I didn’t have to stay wrong.
I could be relational. I could be real.

Relating, though — that was harder than running.
Running was easy.
Relating asked me to feel.
To face waves of sorrow, despair, heartache.

It wasn’t easy to share any of it.
But when I did —
when I let myself be seen,
or when I listened deeply as someone else shared their raw truth —
I felt something shift.

Held. Warm. Moved.

Those moments were sacred.
Lasting.
Connected.

Far more rewarding than finishing a marathon
or closing any deal.

Sure, pleasure can come in quick highs.
But becoming real —
becoming connected —
that gives something deeper.

Something that actually stays.

Connecting, Connection, Voice, Vulnerability, writing

Felt, Not Held: Day Two

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I fear I won’t get my piece out for today and yet I have particpated more fully, taking a couples classes – one live and two of recorded through that all access. pass

One piece seems too personal to share as a blog post so I am holding on to it. Instead I’ll share this other piece – written and then crafted into a poem. The class was Writing Self-Intimacy – very intriguing to me. Here’s the poem:

Such an interesting question—
how does intimacy ripple?
Something in me doesn’t quite grasp it—
and yet, as I write,
a hush moves through my chest,
a soft bloom of sensation—
could this be the ripple itself?

Inside, it’s all motion:
breath as messenger,
bringing in the new,
carrying out the dissonance—
a surrender to the stirrings
that chaos brings.

When I imagine this inward pulse
moving outward—
it feels like waves,
sometimes gentle, like a whisper across skin,
sometimes wild, like wind tearing through still water.

My relationships feel this—
my dogs know the rhythm.
My wife feels the shifts too,
though fear sometimes stirs in her—
then, I feel the quiet plea
for control, or help,
as if my wave might wash too far.

Community…
That’s more elusive.
Sometimes I skip the people close by,
and instead, let the wave
spill into music, into words, activity
into distant spaces in Zoom windows
where I may be felt,
but not held too tightly.

And maybe that’s why
intimacy in community
can feel like a shore I can see
but haven’t quite reached.

Life Experiences, Vulnerability, writing

From Survival to Story: Day One

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I signed up for an online program called Healing Through Writing—a four-day firehose of classes that blend somatic practices with creative expression.

From the start, I could see the challenge. Live sessions, bonus workshops, all on Zoom—it was intense enough to convince me to go for the all-access pass without hesitation.

But now that it’s begun, I’ve found myself drifting toward excuses. It’s surprisingly easy to avoid sitting down, tuning in, and doing the actual writing.

So, I’ve set a gentle but firm intention: to post a blog each day, sharing something I’ve learned or something that stirred me—even if it’s small.

Because for me, this isn’t just about writing. It’s part of something bigger. A path I’m carving toward a more abundant life—one that feels whole, connected, creative, and deeply alive. The ink heart is my symbol for that journey ( remember I’m a writer not an artist).

Symbol for My Abundant Life – A little journey I am on and this course is a part

Day one, and already I’ve landed somewhere meaningful. My biggest takeaway? Just sitting with the question: What does healing mean to me?

Turns out, that’s a powerful place to begin. And maybe the first step toward the life I’ve been quietly reaching for all along.

Here’s my quick take:

Healing, to me, is the shift from survival mode into a space of creation. It’s when I begin to reconnect with life, with others, with myself—not just intellectually, but viscerally. It’s when I feel that connection is present, even if my senses or internal narratives try to convince me otherwise.

There’s a deeper knowing beneath all of it—that I am still connected, always.

When that sense becomes rooted in my everyday life, when I can live from that knowing and move with love and intention—that, to me, is healing. It’s living. It’s loving.

Communication, Connecting, Connection, Leadership, Vulnerability

Waiting For Grace

I don’t know.

I am in an unknown space between the lessons I thought I learned from the past and the stories I made up about the future I wanted.

My stories spook me about what lies ahead.  I don’t think that is helpful.  Because , I don’t know.

Years ago, my medical team gave me a very terrifying outcome.   Death in three to six months.  It’s been almost forty years.  I am still here.

Not because I got rid cancer.  I just decided it wasn’t going to be my focus.  I wanted relationships and living.  Not dying.

Let’s face it, we are all going to die.  At least this body, or vessel is, and it isn’t what defines us.  Our soul.  Our spirit.  Our consciousness.   Our connections. That is our legacy.

I know that and sometimes I still get wonky about an agenda I have.  Like my desire for equality.  My wish that we’d have a woman, President.  My desire not to elect a bully or be the bully. My wish that if I had unlimited resources, I’d pass them on and share the wealth.  That if someone was terrified, I would have the courage to see through the fight and hold a space and shine a light.

I’m still in this shell of flesh and bones. My own created box of stories, beliefs, values and experiences, walls that need to be cracked.

This election did that. 

I don’t like the results.  I can scare myself with the President-elect.  But I don’t want to keep living on fear and fight.

My cancer (s) taught me to be relational and not a victim to old stories.

I feel as though in some ways the cancer is back unless I can listen and be curious and creative instead of hateful and enraged.

Let me bigger than myself.  My ego. My story.

Let me be a fractal that simply keeps surrendering to the unknown and showing up with light shining through.

I may be more reflective and silent for a few days.

I recall Maya Angelou being silent for eight years so she could her find her voice. (and she did)

I don’t anticipate eight years AND I want to hold until I have the capacity to awaken down.  Waking to the wails, the fears, the pain and allow grace to rise and walk me forward. 

Beyond the duality of parties and politics.

I will wait before I judge.

Communication, Connection, Leadership, Vulnerability

Beyond the Instinct to Attack: Embracing Choice

Attack mode seems to be everywhere these days. Why is that?

The usual explanations: “They started it” or “I had to defend myself.” Maybe. But let’s be honest—we’ve drifted far from the ideals of kindness or turning the other cheek.

I’m not here to recount biblical stories about how Jesus handled things. Those have been quoted and misquoted so much that if Jesus were still in the grave, he’d be rolling over by now.

Instead, I’d rather look at more recent figures like Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, Peace Pilgrim, or Pema Chödrön—people who truly understood that nonviolence is a choice. Violence is a choice too. It’s up to us, and it’s never easy. Our decisions reflect the internal struggle of perception, interpretation, and emotion.

Nelson Mandela once said, “For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.” We’re pretty good at enhancing our own freedom, but respecting and enhancing the freedom of others? That’s where we fall short.

It’s always easier to make the other side wrong. But the danger in blaming others isn’t necessarily that they don’t bear some responsibility. The real issue is that blame often blinds us to the role we play. Judging others isn’t the problem—our judgments can be creative or insightful. The issue is that we often don’t fully own the story we’re creating. We project it onto others and convince ourselves that it’s their problem, not ours.

What if our judgments are primarily, if not entirely, our own creation? If we truly grasp that, we can make better choices about whether to attack or not. When I realize that I’m the creator of my interpretation, I gain power over how I respond. If I perceive an attack or a threat, I can pause and reassess.

Take Michelle Obama’s famous line, “When they go low, we go high.” I see that as her response to perceived attacks. She steps back, views the situation from a different, higher perspective, where more possibilities emerge.

It’s natural to feel the instinct to attack or withdraw when faced with danger. But our minds, for better or worse, go beyond pure instinct. That’s the downside of being so analytical—we think we can interpret reality with precision. And often, in our attempts to do so, we make a mess. Or worse, we create war.

Connection, Valuing Differences, Vulnerability

Too Much Noice, Rumi, and Being A Bright Light

Here’s my problem with our current political landscape:

  • A constant stream of text messages for donations or confirmation around who I will vote for in the November election. 
  • I start a polling series of questions, soon discover my answers will only go through to wherever they go, if I agree to donate money to a campaign.
  • I want to understand candidates’ positions, I read in the paper but there is no dialogue, conversation or engagement in listening to alternative perspectives or asking clarifying questions.
  • Debates are generally just attacks or an absence of key candidates.

 This results in moments of great fury inside me.  I want to attack and get angry.  Or I go to despair in sense of hopelessness.

I feel like a victim or a raging attacker.  I could say powerless of powerful – but both without any real connection or frankly consciousness.

I keep trying to figure out how I can take my power back and not be a victim or villain in this political cycle for the next 4 months.

What I do know is that the leadership I am seeing, hearing and participating in does not feel good or like a healthy, democratic process for the people.

I could almost compare this to moments when Covid broke out and suddenly I was tossed into the unknown.  Only that was better – there was silence.  I could and did shut off the noise.

There’s no silence in this political cycle and there is no clear, connecting message – just noise.

During Covid I wanted connection, and we started a Facebook live video every morning around 10AM – got named ‘The New Morning Show”.

I found that helpful.  I thought of trying something like that again – but I don’t want to just start another thread of hate – with friends or against my enemies.

I know what I want in leadership.  I want vulnerability, curiosity, collaboration and inclusive conversations.

This is what I believe politics should be about.  Not fixed positions and furious fighting between parties.  Not us against the world.  Not just conversations for those that have big dollars to get to the table.

I know I am not going to change our political system. 

I can only keep trying to have one real conversation at a time.

Listen with my heart open, particularly when I totally disagree.

That’s what I can do.  I also will keep sending out transmissions that shine my light and shift me from a place of despair or hate.

If you get this transmission and feel some of the same – reach out.  If you get this and think all is well and disagree – you can reach out, too.

Basically, I am looking for connection and a space that isn’t just filled with separation, fear, ego, and pain.

We really are in this together.  When I am in fear or fury, I can forget that our heartbeats are the same.  Underneath the color of my skin, the shape of my body, the stories of my life, my feelings, my desires is just a beating heart in a very vulnerable human, trying, doing the very best I know. 

There’s so much more that is out there then what I know.

Rumi wrote – there is a field (think energy/consciousness) out there beyond right and wrong – meet me there.

I know now that meeting you out there is not about changing you or getting out there somewhere.  It’s about cracking my heart open and letting all the light shine.  Letting light in and letting light out.  In other words, being the bright light, not the sharp sword.

Communication, Connecting, Leadership, Vulnerability

My Letter to Joe Biden

Dear Joe

I know you have a lot on your mind and that you are getting a great deal of pressure from many colleagues and follow politicians regarding what you should or shouldn’t do.

My voice is not likely to be one you will hear with all the noice.  But I still wanted to write.

I don’t have the answer.  You’ve been an okay President with a lot of stuff to deal with and honestly, I would never sign up for your job.

However, I don’t think you are dealing with this current situation very well. You seem very defiant and defensive about that horrible debate night.

People have concerns and most of us don’t really want to hear you say this isn’t going to be a problem.

It is a problem.  You are 81.  You show some signs of cognitive decline.  People working for you say you are good between 10AM and 4PM but you have a job that demands a lot longer hours.

I’m not saying you can’t be President.  But deal with your situation and address people’s concerns. 

You have always seemed like someone who is willing to have difficult conversations and talk across the table.  But you aren’t doing that in this situation.  At least not for the public to see and be a part of.  You seem hell bent on running.  At least dialogue and talk about the pros and cons. 

I am not sure I could ‘not vote for you’ because the alternative is a felon and that really is just wrong in my view.

But our country should have a better choice than an aging man in denial or a felon.

This isn’t all on you.  Shame on us for getting to this point.  We call ourselves a democracy, but we have been showing some serious cracks in that reality for a while now.

Still, you say your campaign is about saving democracy.  I think if that’s your platform you need to start listening to people and having the difficult conversations.  Talking about the concerns and addressing them.

It’s true, the people might want you to step down, but at least in listening and talking  with people openly, you are practicing democracy.

I think that shows courage and vulnerability.  Both things, I have at times seen in you.

Show up with that now.  Please don’t wait until is too late.

If democracy is going to be saved it isn’t about what happens in November but what we start doing now as people to demonstrate respect in the power and opinion of all people, not just our people, or politicians, or plays for power. 

We need to talk, listen and get real.  Otherwise, democracy is lost.

I don’t need you to write, but I do sure wish you would show up and be real.  

Susan

Connecting, Leadership, Life Experiences, Vulnerability

A Good Run For My Heart

It’s been quite a run. Yet very little running was done.

Between May to now has been filled with leading Haven programs, Couples Alive, Come Alive and a special offering for Women in the First Nations community, combining their wisdom with some of the Haven essence.

Usually when I am leading, running is my path for balancing and clearing my energy. I believe it helps me stay connected to my heart. This month taught me there’s other ways and maybe better ways for open-hearted leading.

For me personally, this run has been amazing. Up north the team included my dear friend and colleague, Leona Gallant. We go way back. We worked together at Tillicum Haus teaching the Addiction and Family Violence programs. It was wonderful reconnecting for the First Nations women week.

Our trip didn’t go quite as planned and each day offered opportunities to surrender my ideas of how the program would unfold and go totally in the moment with who was present. There was a lot happening within the community, as well, smoke from wild fires, that made for a heaviness in my chest and lungs. However, each member of the team was committed and the women who came bought their hearts, tears, anger and stories forward in ways that lifted each of us and ended in beautiful moment of creating on canvas.

The Team Tracy, Me, Leona and Christina

Home again, I found I wasn’t able to do my normal running and exercising, my lungs just wouldn’t allow for that effort. The goodness in that may have been finding other ways to connect and balance my body, heart and mind before leaving for a couples weeks at the Haven.

Couples Alive came first. It was a wonderful experience. The team included Bob and Ruth, dear friends and long-time Haven faculty. They shared they hadn’t been up on the island for a number of years and it was awesome to have them back, sharing the wisdom from their relating.

I loved the dance of leading with CrisMarie. We learn and grow as we lead. It’s a definite experience of giving and receiving with the team and the couples who share so deeply.

Beautiful sunset last night of Couples Alive

Then Come Alive. Always a special experience, as it was the first program I took at the Haven and started my transformation in relating and responding.

There were moments again where things didn’t go quite as planned. However, that’s a big part of what I love about leading at Haven. I have to both lead and surrender. It’s an amazing dance between being in a role and being real and human.

The team with me was wonderful. As always we were doing our work to ensure we could stay present and support building and holding a space for self-responding and relational learning.

In the end, I left full from my time on the island. This time not as exhausted as I have at times been in the past. Maybe because i wasn’t running to settle my energy. Instead I found myself sitting, silent, walking and relating between sessions. Something to consider even as my lungs return to a more happy place.

Taking the stage as. Leadership Flathead Graduation Speaker

My reentry this time involved being the speaker for Leadership Flathead graduating class. It was an honor to be invited and I said yes just before starting my run. Wasn’t able to plan a thing until I returned home just in time to put it together. Again something I’d usually run or ride to get clarity before writing but this time I sat, I reflected and when I got a clear message I made some notes. I was vulerable and nervous but it worked for me. I just needed to get out of my ego space and into heart and that always works – living, leading or speaking.

I don’t doubt I’ll be back on my bike and taking runs in the woods. However, I want to remember that my body doesn’t need to be fit, trim and over-exercised to be a vessel for the work I am called to do. That work comes from the heart and heart health is more relational and real than looking good and making my MOVE goal.

Now relaxing after a cool evening bike ride! with my honey!

Connection, Life Experiences, Vulnerability

Covid and Trump

Just when I thought Covid was background after a few years of playing havoc in our lives, it’s shown back up loudly in my world.

I never got sick during the first three years and about three weeks ago after lots of travel, I had what I thought was allergies. I tested postive. It was a bit of a shocker, and a bit rough for a day or two, but I moved through and went back to testing negative and moving forward.

Then CrisMarie had it and that resulted in me going to a two day off site without her.

It all worked. However, I was pissed at Covid.

Come Alive

I headed off to Haven for a Come Alive. I had a full group and great team. One day in and I was heading up to group and got informed one of the participants had some symptoms and had tested positive.

I have to admit it was a jolt. COVID again!

We’d been together as group and I knew there were likely to be concerns. I wasn’t sure what to do. Yet there we were.

It became a great opportunity to face uncertainty and dialogue. We each had to address how we would deal with our uncertainty. Some put on a mask. Some asked to test. Others were fearful and just spoke to their concerns. Our now quarantined member, couldn’t leave the island, so we had them join on Zoom.

All things considered Covid did disrupt, but also gave a great moment for deep dialogue and self-responsible relational living.

The Come Alive ended well and even our Zoom member reframed their Come Alive experience amazingly well. My heart was warmed by how everyone worked with all that came up.

Next Couples Alive

Couples Alive starts today and already Covid is in the air. One couple couldn’t come. CrisMarie is still not well and not able to join. One of the assisting couples had heard about the CA and has their own journey with Covid beliefs and concerns, causing them to cancel.

Suddenly I was confronted again. Covid isn’t going away. It almost seems louder than in those silent days of being at home.

Covid and Trump

Covid reminds me right now of Trump. I thought he’d for sure be gone by now too. But much like Covid, he seems to keep rearing up and stirring up fear and polarized opinions.

I really want to blame Covid (and Trump) for what seems like a horrble thing. Yet I get it’s not the virus or Trump that’s really the biggest problem. I think it’s the fear, the division, and the lack of conversation that is the real issue. Actually I think that fear may be keeping both much more alive and influential than either would be if we could learn to talk and share better.

Covid like any virius is going to keep surviving. I believe our job is to not to let it’s existence tear us a part and cause us to live in fear and righteousness.

Maybe what Covid offers is a chance to self- define, listen, and be curious. Do our best to be relational and make choices that honor ourselves and others.

Rules and regulations are not going to rid us of the virus. Just like court cases and votes don’t get rid of Trump.

Somehow we have to learn to live better together and not let our fears be what spreads dis-ease.

Seems I have to be curious and relational with Covid and even with Trump.

Life Experiences, Vulnerability

When My Mind Is Fear-Filling Me

Last year I committed to kicking off a new program: When The Body Fails: Rebuilding Trust In Your Body. This was designed for women who have or have had cancer.

The program started as a weekend event. But we were in the middle of our book launch and timing wasn’t right for putting the right level of energy into marketing a new program.

Sounds reasonable to postpone – right?

Of course there is some truth to this explanation. However, I still haven’t moved this program forward. I took the advise of one of my mentors in the Equus world and decided to not go so big but just start locally and with more one on one coaching with women dealing with cancer.

Yes, I have done little bits in moving things forward. However, I am still stalling to do the workshop.

Why?

Okay so this program is so much like my book – Crazy, Cracked, Warm and Deep.   You probably don’t even know about this book. It’s been in files and folders on my computer for years. It’s been shared with friends, possible editors and in short pieces online. However, the moment it gets any further out into the world. I stall and the book goes background. Fear stops me in my tracks – it’s my story. It’s my life through cancer through rebuilding and reclaiming myself – body, mind and spirit. I think I am afraid of the story still even though it’s been lived. Yet in that fear I hold it tight.

The good news is that even though the book still lies under the surface, I have written many blog post, shared my story and even published two other books that are heavily influenced by the backstory.

When Your Body Fails You, Rebuilding Trust is like the book. Why?

Because I am fearful.

I could go on and on about why I am fearful.

However, that sure seems like a self-indulgent story fuddling process.

I do want to kick off this workshop so here I go! It’s now one day and it is a start!

I am going to put a link to the flyer here – I know many of my readers are not local – but I would still love to hear from you too.

Plus if you are interested – well I still plan to do a weekend version and will add opportunities to weave in the healing influence of horses. So stay tuned!

May be some day – Crazy, Cracked, Warm and Deep will be the book that comes along with registrations.

What’s your fear holding you back from doing? What steps can you take to move ahead? I’d love to hear from you.

Check out When The Body Fails Here