I just got back from the first Couples Alive program offered at The Haven.  CrisMarie and I had been engaged in the design process as part of a team that included Cathy and Ernie McNally, David Raithby and Sandy McCarthy.  The process of designing the Couples Alive Series (four five day programs) has been very exciting and rewarding.  So the idea of fully participating in the first of the series seemed like a great idea.  Later in the year we’ll be leading the same program, and I always like to live what I teach.

I believed that the simple yet profound nature of the models and concepts would easily be effective for all stages of relationships. I have close to thirty years of living, leading and teaching programs based on the same foundational models, models that continue to offer me ways of going deeper. The idea of that same exploration happening within my most important relationship made complete sense. Though we regularly work to apply and live what we have each learned though The Haven, I know I can be habitual and lazy at times.  So participating with other couples and checking in on the health of our relationship was an exciting opportunity.

Of course, as we stepped into fully engaging, we had our rough spots.  There were a few times when I wondered why I had signed up for this. However, as I listened and stayed open, I was reminded of the amazing possibilities that a relationship offers when we are not trying to control or change each other.  I revisited the romance that brought me into wanting to live, work and be with CrisMarie. I also revisited the power struggles that arise simply because we each have different hopes, dreams and imaginations. Of course, we bump, and of course, I can make her wrong.  But looking at the choices, to relate or to isolate, I stepped towards the aliveness that comes from being vulnerable and curious.

By participating in the program, I found some pockets of apathy and openly brought forward my concerns with anxiety and excitement.  As always, I was surprised to learn that getting my way wasn’t nearly as important as speaking up and simply being heard by a loving witness.  We didn’t have to fix anything.  Yes, we agreed to a few new ways of keeping ourselves honest and open.  In a month we’ll check in to see if our new tools are working.  I’m hoping we’ll be able to make the next part of the series, The Edge.

The best part of our relationship is that we both value growing and learning.  That is so special and it was delightful to be with other couples who hold that same value.

In general, I think I know when I am creating distance in my relationship; however, a couples workshop is a bit like an annual health visit. I highly recommend anyone in a relationship to consider going to The Haven.  I have provided a link to their website.  Take a look.  I want to be sure we are healthy, I and we are worth the investment.

Couples Alive at The Haven from Chris Finlayson on Vimeo.

Recently I watched a wonderful TED talk by Brene Brown entitled The Power of Vulnerability. I encourage everyone to watch the short twenty minute talk.  I won’t cover the major points, but one segment is worthy of more coverage.  Brene provides a definition of blame as a way of discharging pain and hurt.  In her video she was suggesting that we might bypass blaming if we understand that blaming is simply a way to avoid feeling pain.  Personally, I took this another way.  As I understand it, there is often an energetic need to discharge pain and hurt, and if this is true, then I can search for effective ways of creating the space for that to occur.

As an example, I have had to deal with some experiences in my past that were quite painful.  As someone who experienced physical and sexual violence, I found myself angry and unable to move beyond those memories.  It wasn’t until I arrived at The Haven that I discovered a path for fully embracing and expressing my blame and discharging that fixated energy within a circle of people who held the space, a place where I discovered that discharging was important because, energetically, I was carrying that story in my cells.

Once I had the opportunity to release the charge, I no longer needed to keep holding that story.  The circle of people provided an easy path of moving out of being a victim.  As others witnessed my pain and hurt, and then invited me to connect by making eye contact and listening to the impact my sharing may have had on others, I was able to be fully in my feelings of pain and hurt, discharging the fixated energy.  I did not need anyone to fix it, change or remove the experience.  All that I wanted was a space to allow the feelings to be expressed and move through the blame.  Being fully in my blame felt made me feel vulnerable and raw.  Yet when I looked around the room, I knew I was not alone—in my pain or my blame.

We are human. We try so hard to avoid many deep feelings.  We even try hard not to blame or be seen as a victim.  Part of being vulnerable is revealing our desire to blame, even if that is not the best solution.  It is very special when others makes a space for that to be okay, giving us permission to go further, allowing deeper feelings to be expressed.  That space opens us up and allows all the other feelings to surface.

I am always moved when people ask for a space to scream, wail, fight and discharge the pain of being human. I am quite open to making that space and being a witness to the human experience.  I greatly value those in my life who have done the same for me.  I have learned it is not about fixing our human experience—that is the work of heroes and gods.  The greatest gift is simply being fully present, accepting the human experience, knowing we are not alone. That is the path I have found moves me beyond blame.