I am off to Portland with a heavy heart.  My good friend Jennifer Sass is not doing very well.  Of course, knowing Jennifer she just might be around a lot longer than is currently predicted.  Yet, I knew this visit was better to not put off.  In the past few years I have had hints, little whispers before a storm, that came and took with it a close friend, mentor or loved one.  I have generally been writing words of my loving and awe of these friends after they were gone.

This time I would like to write about Jennifer before she takes that last breath.  I doubt she’ll see, read or even hear about whatever words show up here.  My blog is often more of a path for me to open my heart and let whatever feelings and thoughts need to surface, flow.  I think the decision to visit Jennifer, because I heard the whisper, and my desire to arrive with an open heart, for whatever the next couple days have to offer, are compelling me to write now!

Jennifer, Jennifer you are such a force of nature.  You have been an important part of my life for more than twenty years.  I first met you from a distance.  You and your band of merry friends, laughing and loving life during a month long Haven program.  I was bald and just barely finding my way through my own run with cancer.  You inspired me.  Not much was funny about my life at the time, but whenever I had the chance, I would walk with you guys and laugh.  Of course, this also was a time when you stepped into my shoes in a psychodrama and later shared that you had to go burn your clothes to find a way to rid yourself of some of my nightmare that you stepped into that day.

We have walked together through many things since then.  Now, my cancer is gone and you have been fighting with your own for a few years. Some might think I have fared better, being cancer free for several years.  But anyone who has walked this painful path knows cancer isn’t about who lives beyond cancer, but how one lives with it.  You have lived well my friend!!!  It might be cancer that takes you on to your next adventure, but it will never be cancer that defeats you!!!

Just yesterday, as I was sitting in meditation after some yoga, I believe I had a moment with your spirit, a blazing bright light that simply brought a smile upon my face.  You are already out there taking in what’s next, and I imagine fully realizing that letting go of this physical body won’t take you away from the hearts of those you love but may even bring you closer.

It might take a while longer for those of us you may soon be leaving behind to fully get that you are not gone!!  So you need to let us cry, wail and gather around you.

Your love of family is something that is truly inspirational.  You and Dick are like the poster people for Haven relationships.  Sure you have had some crazy times, and I am guessing a few of us have wondered, “Why are they still together?”.  But you both have stuck with each other through hell, heaven and everything in between.  Then there’s the rest of the family.  Anyone who steps into your home knows that family and friends are what matter to you.  The walls are a walking storytelling experience: the Bements, the Sasses, The Haven family over the years.  I love being in your home.  I see and feel the loving of you wherever I go.

Plus, if it weren’t for you I may never have interviewed my parents and discovered the richness of their lives. I may never have discovered the possible stories beyond my own nightmare versions of my past. You challenged me, both in terms of family history, and in terms of other relationships that shifted or changed in my world over the years.   I sometimes moved on, yet you always reminded me to look back with different eyes and possibly meet these same people in a new way. That is a very special gift I think you have offered so many.

There are many things I haven’t spoken of in this little blog. You are my friend, and right now, I prefer to briefly hold your hand even if you don’t know I am here, than wait to talk about you once you are gone.  I hope that’s okay with you.

If you are indeed ready to go, I support you.  If you want to hang around longer, that’s okay too.  As I said,  I am of two minds – one wanting you to stay so we can chat for hours once again – the other wanting you to let go of the physical limits of this body.  Either way your light will remain bright through the hearts of all of us that love you!!!  Relax and let that loving in!!!  I love you.

I am not really sure I am up for writing this blog. However, I know writing is often very helpful for me in finding a path through things I don’t really like feeling.

To set the context without giving details, I am having a tough time because I put myself out for something I thought I’d be good at, and someone else was selected. Now really, this sounds like a childhood story of not being picked as the captain at recess. The truth is, it feels a lot like that, and I sure wish it didn’t.

Right now I wish I had never thrown my name into the hat. It would have been much easier. I realize I have probably done that a few times in my life, not admitting I wanted something, watching someone else get picked without letting on that I was ever interested.

The problem for me with that approach is that I work with leaders and a leader’s job is to be willing to step up and be vulnerable. There’s a lot of vulnerability in saying you want the job, thinking you can do it. It is easy to see the ego in that effort, and sure, there has to be some self-confidence and desire to even say, “pick me”.

In my case, vulnerability may be a bit harder to see. I wanted the job but I wasn’t the one picked, and now I have to find a way to still be willing to play. That’s the tough part. I want to pull back and not get involved.

I want to say they didn’t pick the right person. I wish I wasn’t like that. The worst part is the humbling aspects of my very unattractive need to make the winner wrong.

Somehow that keeps the pain away. On some level I know this heartache isn’t all from this one event. That’s part of the problem. My rational brain could easily help me out of this mess. The person picked is actually pretty good. The truth is, I think the person selected is pretty regularly picked to be captain and I guess I wanted my shot.

Now I am trying to find some graceful path through this. I am working to embrace the ego aspect of myself that hurts and does some unattractive ego things; I am doing my best to avoid doing these ego-related activities out loud or at least not outside the circle of friends who know I am venting.

The next step is to reach out to the winner. As I mentioned before, it’s not like this person is the problem. I actually have enjoyed some of the work we have done together in the past. Maybe I will get to a place where I can find the best role for me to play.

I really wish could transcend my little ego self. But I have never been any good at transcending anything. The best I can do is dive right into my overly active storytelling self and do my best to ride through all the feelings that come up. I’d like to think I don’t spill them everywhere as I find my way through wild range of emotions that surface when I am hurting. I think I am better than I use to be. But there are still some occasional splashes and I need to do my best in cleaning things up as needed.

This is no hero’s journey, it’s more like a fool’s jump. I think I feel more alive as a fool rather than a hero. It doesn’t feel as comfortable, but life isn’t about being comfortable or looking good. It is about being real. This pain feels real and I imagine this too shall pass!!

I just got back from the first Couples Alive program offered at The Haven.  CrisMarie and I had been engaged in the design process as part of a team that included Cathy and Ernie McNally, David Raithby and Sandy McCarthy.  The process of designing the Couples Alive Series (four five day programs) has been very exciting and rewarding.  So the idea of fully participating in the first of the series seemed like a great idea.  Later in the year we’ll be leading the same program, and I always like to live what I teach.

I believed that the simple yet profound nature of the models and concepts would easily be effective for all stages of relationships. I have close to thirty years of living, leading and teaching programs based on the same foundational models, models that continue to offer me ways of going deeper. The idea of that same exploration happening within my most important relationship made complete sense. Though we regularly work to apply and live what we have each learned though The Haven, I know I can be habitual and lazy at times.  So participating with other couples and checking in on the health of our relationship was an exciting opportunity.

Of course, as we stepped into fully engaging, we had our rough spots.  There were a few times when I wondered why I had signed up for this. However, as I listened and stayed open, I was reminded of the amazing possibilities that a relationship offers when we are not trying to control or change each other.  I revisited the romance that brought me into wanting to live, work and be with CrisMarie. I also revisited the power struggles that arise simply because we each have different hopes, dreams and imaginations. Of course, we bump, and of course, I can make her wrong.  But looking at the choices, to relate or to isolate, I stepped towards the aliveness that comes from being vulnerable and curious.

By participating in the program, I found some pockets of apathy and openly brought forward my concerns with anxiety and excitement.  As always, I was surprised to learn that getting my way wasn’t nearly as important as speaking up and simply being heard by a loving witness.  We didn’t have to fix anything.  Yes, we agreed to a few new ways of keeping ourselves honest and open.  In a month we’ll check in to see if our new tools are working.  I’m hoping we’ll be able to make the next part of the series, The Edge.

The best part of our relationship is that we both value growing and learning.  That is so special and it was delightful to be with other couples who hold that same value.

In general, I think I know when I am creating distance in my relationship; however, a couples workshop is a bit like an annual health visit. I highly recommend anyone in a relationship to consider going to The Haven.  I have provided a link to their website.  Take a look.  I want to be sure we are healthy, I and we are worth the investment.

Couples Alive at The Haven from Chris Finlayson on Vimeo.

Recently I watched a wonderful TED talk by Brene Brown entitled The Power of Vulnerability. I encourage everyone to watch the short twenty minute talk.  I won’t cover the major points, but one segment is worthy of more coverage.  Brene provides a definition of blame as a way of discharging pain and hurt.  In her video she was suggesting that we might bypass blaming if we understand that blaming is simply a way to avoid feeling pain.  Personally, I took this another way.  As I understand it, there is often an energetic need to discharge pain and hurt, and if this is true, then I can search for effective ways of creating the space for that to occur.

As an example, I have had to deal with some experiences in my past that were quite painful.  As someone who experienced physical and sexual violence, I found myself angry and unable to move beyond those memories.  It wasn’t until I arrived at The Haven that I discovered a path for fully embracing and expressing my blame and discharging that fixated energy within a circle of people who held the space, a place where I discovered that discharging was important because, energetically, I was carrying that story in my cells.

Once I had the opportunity to release the charge, I no longer needed to keep holding that story.  The circle of people provided an easy path of moving out of being a victim.  As others witnessed my pain and hurt, and then invited me to connect by making eye contact and listening to the impact my sharing may have had on others, I was able to be fully in my feelings of pain and hurt, discharging the fixated energy.  I did not need anyone to fix it, change or remove the experience.  All that I wanted was a space to allow the feelings to be expressed and move through the blame.  Being fully in my blame felt made me feel vulnerable and raw.  Yet when I looked around the room, I knew I was not alone—in my pain or my blame.

We are human. We try so hard to avoid many deep feelings.  We even try hard not to blame or be seen as a victim.  Part of being vulnerable is revealing our desire to blame, even if that is not the best solution.  It is very special when others makes a space for that to be okay, giving us permission to go further, allowing deeper feelings to be expressed.  That space opens us up and allows all the other feelings to surface.

I am always moved when people ask for a space to scream, wail, fight and discharge the pain of being human. I am quite open to making that space and being a witness to the human experience.  I greatly value those in my life who have done the same for me.  I have learned it is not about fixing our human experience—that is the work of heroes and gods.  The greatest gift is simply being fully present, accepting the human experience, knowing we are not alone. That is the path I have found moves me beyond blame.