I am out on an Artist Date.  For those of you who are not familar with Julia Cameron’s Artist Way the concept, Artist Date, may be misleading.  I don’t really consider myself an artist nor am I dating one.  No, an Artist Date is time spend with myself exploring and discovering what awakenings my creative inner spirit.

Today I have simply been walking down a couple blocks of Whitefish.  Stepping into the stores that I usually pass by and seeing what lies inside.  It’s been quite fun.  I am always surprised the things that I discover that I have likely passed by a hundred times and never noticed.

Today I got caught up in reading those funny signs, “Follow your dog and find the meaning of joy” – love that one.  Or another – 10 Reasons Men prefer a Gun to a Woman – You can trade a 44 in for a 22 – okay so not all of these little signs are appealing to me, reason 1 was enough on that one to move on!  !  Still I went throughout the store reading all could see.

Next I visited the Imagination Station, basically a children’s store.  Loved the color and variety of possible activities.  Couldn’t help but wonder, wouldn’t offices be far more appealing to work in with that kind of color and potential for play and some fun.

Next came a few classic Montana Galleries with paintings of open space, horses, bears and the Rockies.  Wow, I do live in a great location.

I finally arrived in my favorite coffee shop and simply had to sit down to write.  I admit I often resist taking an artist date.  But once I am out and about, I find my heart sings and I am quite drawn to write.

I do indeed think Julia Cameron’s recommendation that one regularly takes time for a Artist Date is a wonderful idea.  Even for those who may not consider themselves artist or don’t think they need any new inspiration.  Taking an Artist Date in your own hometown can simply be a great way to open your heart, spice up your life and who knows may be you will decide to paint, draw, write or sing.

Honestly, I do believe we are all artist creating our own life.  We can either spice it up on occasion with some new inspiration or just keep using the same old brush strokes.  It really is our choice.  Today I am glad I decided to spice it up a bit!!

Life is busy.  I have every intention of getting regular post up on my new site.  Instead I am writing articles for 406 Magazine (a Montana magazine for women) and articles for the return of our Thrive! newsletter!!  These are exciting things but also take me away from posting blogs.

It doesn’t help my writing that we also have been experiencing awesome weather here in Montana.  That means I want to be out of my bike or paddle boarding or simply sitting on the deck.  This also makes posting blogs more challenging.

Yet I am intent to get a post done today.  Now that the sun is not directly on the porch I can be outside AND blogging!! There is hope!

Those who have been followers, I want to ensure you that even though I have been sharing the challenges of my transitional period, I am doing very well.  Indeed I love my life in most moments.  I like challenges and can re-frame and find purpose in most things.  I am sharing this because I have had a few folks who were regular blog readers ask me if I was doing okay.  Honestly it never occurred to be that folks might worry.

Let me share a few updates:

Bailey  – I have crossed paths with my favorite boxer a few times now.  He seems very happy and SETTLED (not a word I would have used to describe him when he lived with us).  I have also enjoyed hearing many tales of his summer hiking, SWIMMING (another thing he never entertained with us) and just riding through town in the front seat of Rick’s jeep.  I have to say Rick and Bailey make a great team!

Work Transition – Of course we are still on a journey to re-creating ourselves.  However, I believe we are well on our way to some very exciting and inspiring times.  As I mentioned we are both writing for 406 Magazine both a personal piece and a business focused piece.  That is fun!  We are also re-launching our Thrive! newsletter so that will be coming soon.  We have found in this transition our sweet spot in the area of relational dynamics and healthy conflict.  It is a creative time where we are finding our own voice and bringing back pieces of our work that really fit who we are.  Sure we have our moments of tension, conflict and frustration.  However, I have always believed that is a good sign of forward growth and new possibility.

Friends and Community – I won’t say there aren’t still some moments of heart ache when I realize there are some close friends who are no longer in my life.  So there is still some sadness that gets stirred up.  However, with folks having moved on, I have also discovered new friends in some wild places.  We have found new connecting points in our community here, on Gabriola and at the various spots we travel virtually and literally.  I feel quite grateful and fortunate.

I think I have shared enough updates so those who may have been wondering can feel confident that transition, though at times uncomfortable, can also be a source of aliveness and possibility.

This isn’t the most exciting post but hopefully does provide an update and a renewed commitment to blogging!  Time for that bike ride!!

In the past month my life has been busy, alive and very engaging.  Through the month I have also been doing my best to stay open and loving in my life and partnership with CrisMarie.  Because we have each been doing things separately that stir up our creativity and call on us to ride waves and risk falling, our day-today living as included fighting, laughing and clinging.

As CrisMarie stepped more fully into Nina and the show was such a big success.  I had both the thrill and threat of hearing just how sexy people thought she was on stage.  I watched as she bought her aliveness to the part, to the team and to each show.  I sat with her when she cried on closing night.  I listened as she expressed her fears that she wouldn’t get another part like that.  I held back my own fears of being left behind for another starring role or some sexy guy and that was simply the first two weeks of August.

I didn’t even mention my riding of the waves as I headed off to Columbus and took the lead with in a room of Presidents.  Or dealt with my demons while writing pieces for my book, that may take 10 more years to write.  I have already mentioned the various stages of transition I have been traveling through this summer. So no need to say more.

Indeed it has been a journey.  As the show ended and we boarded a flight to Toronto for a major week of work with one of our clients, we were both wondering if we would be able to rise to the occasion.

We did.  The week went quite well.  Though we had been working separately as we came back together there was a grace and ease that made the week enjoyable.  It’s what we love.  Being co-creative and working together from our respective strengths.

We then traveled to the other side of Canada to Gabriola to lead Couples Alive II, The Edge.  How perfect was that!!  We had been living at that Edge for months.  Though I would not have thought of it that way.  As we went through the week, working with a group of couples, we drew upon our own lives to reveal humanness, realness and aliveness that comes when relationships are about both being together and being each ourselves.

Loving is a verb, it’s active and fluid.  Loving at the edge is like surfing or riding waves.  Sometimes our life does feel like we are on a bigger boat and the ride is quite stable.  Other times I imagine us on a small racing sail boat – much faster and far less stable.  And there are those times when we are on individual paddle boards – riding the waves separately while staying close and heading in the same direction.  I can even imagine times when one of us is sitting stable on a boat while the other is surfing some big wave.  That to me, is loving on the edge.  Being willing to ride the waves – together.  It isn’t always easy.  I do get a touch jealous when my sexy partner is alive in her life and I am not on that same wave.  Still I do enjoy watching and know it isn’t about her shutting down her sexy self.  No, it is about me being willing to step out myself and trust that we can both ride the waves.  Meeting and loving at our respective edges!!  Sexy, Alive and Loving!!

Over a month ago I was invited to offer a virtual dialogue for donors of The Haven Foundation fund. This is program set up for donors and involves faculty members offering one hour dialogues around various topics. At the time this seemed like an easy enough request and since I have a huge appreciation for all of those who contribute to The Haven, I was willing. Carole Ames (my co-leader in the Phase program) and I agreed to talking on the topic; Strength, An Alternative to Powering Through.

Now 20 days into a month-long Phase program, the evening of the dialogue has arrived. The topic is much more relevant than I had imagined it would be. I find myself right in the midst of an active battle with my will. I am caught up in the demands of a long intensive program and I am wrestling with my best path. To power through and simply do what must be done or to use my will to drop into my vulnerability and feelings and connect with folks even if it means some things on my to do list will not get done.

There is value in both paths. I am committed to making sure that things get done. We do have a fairly tight schedule and at times it is important to simply use my will to power through and control my impulse to ‘give up’ or collapse into to helplessness when faced with a challenging situation. Yet there are also times when I would be best served to drop the control and role and simply be open and authentic with my feelings.

More than any previous program I find myself faced with choices in the power and strength continuum. (To learn more Go To Ideas in Action: http://www.haven.ca/resources/the-haven-models.html )Maybe it is because of the invitation to speak on the topic, maybe this is simply a more challenging Phase for me. I have always loved the model and have wrestled myself with what seems like the good side and the bad side. I place a high value on connection, vulnerability, authenticity and being personal. (the strength side – or good side) Yet I know that at times I would become quite lazy and irresponsible if I was not willing and able to use my will to take control and actively push myself out of an entitled stance or my own despair. (the power side – the bad side)

Tonight I want to speak from both sides of the continuum. I want to create a frame and provide a structure and understanding of the concepts that does demand a concentration of purpose. (the Power side) Yet I also want to show up and be vulnerable. (The Strength side) I am by no means an expert of this topic, though I am finding I am more of a master these days as I become more willing to flow and flop through my day between power and strength, control and vulnerability and my role as leader and my place as a human being.

I do believe that is really the message in model; sometimes I surrender to the day and sometimes I fight my way through. At least these days I am more conscious and aware of the difference.

Recently I graduated with my Masters in Illumination Science from Jwalan Mutika School of Illumination, JMSI. You might be wondering what is Illumination Science. Well, it is sort of just like it sounds. Illumination Science is the study or process of shedding light on areas that often get either overlooked, mis-understood or forgotten all together. This can include anything from the self to the cosmos, and indeed after seven years of working away at the Bachelors and now the Masters levels, I can honestly say I have covered significant ground in both arenas. Of course, illumination does not mean mastery. This work simply made me much more aware of all that is unknown and un-illuminated, both inside me and in our greater universe.

Still, the process of learning, has provided me amazing tools for facing a world that is indeed rich with limitless possibilities. I didn’t step into this journey with any real intention to acquire another degree. Though as the founder of JMSI presented each of us (there were only five in my class), with our degrees, I was proud of what we had accomplished over the years.

This is not a school that many people have heard of or likely will decide to attend. Why? Because the learning is not main stream. The answers are not finite and linear. The process is odd to surreal at times. Plus those who have started and left the program, all came looking to change the world and at some point along the way got frustrated with the lack of tangible, third-dimensional results. No this work is about something beyond our current mental, spacial construct. If you don’t believe in magic, alchemy and non-physical forces – well, it’s pretty hard to stay engaged. Even if you do and assume your job is to convince or ensure others come along at some point the program will disappoint you. It seems illumination comes from within and no amount of shining lights on others to get them enlightened will work. Still even for those who left along the way, the school offered many tools and opportunities to discover ways of tapping into energy and viewing the universe from a variety of different story lines and teachings. I still see many of those folks and from my view what they are currently doing in the world has indeed been illuminated by their time with the school.

Over the seven years, I had many moments myself where I did really wonder and question why I was continuing. I wanted more clear signs that this map and body of work we were pulling together really did make sense or mean something. I am still not sure how much of what we talked about or pulled together really did answer the big questions of the universe, but I did get clear signs at various points that my own inner universe was better and more illuminated. To me this means I have become better at recognizing when I am caught in my story, appreciating that there is so much I don’t ‘know’, but could access if I suspend my mind and trust my heart.

Plus I have seen signs that little things that seemingly insignificant people do can have even greater impact than they will ever know. These little seemingly small shifts may impact just one life but that one life could set up something that will change the planet. You just never know.

During my years of studying I have worked on my diet, changed the way I dressed, learned to play more, tapped into intelligence way beyond my own (meaning being able to fully understand quantum physics, spoken languages I didn’t know, created music beyond my day-to-day abilities). I have also played with a variety of religious and philosophical ideas in a way that connected and synthesized these diverse teachings into a map that I do not pretend to fully understand but can appreciate and utilize. I know now I am not alone. We are in so many ways ONE. That in and of itself is worth all the effort!

Feel free to check our JMSI. Indeed when I started it wasn’t on the web, but now there is a website. Go take a look. Maybe you’ll get intrigued. May be you will re-member. May be it won’t be for you. That’s all okay!

www.jwalan.org

So what do horses know about leadership. Well, it seems quite a lot. Recently I attended a weekend workshop at a ranch in Phoenix led by Koelle Simpson and Diane Hunter. The program was called Leading from the Inside Out. I am a big believer in the idea that I have to work on me before I can possibly be effective in influencing others. I am also a believer in the idea that to effectively work on me I need feedback; direct information about how I am impacting my world. What I didn’t realize was just how much louder, clearer and honest a big horse or horses can be in providing that mirror.

The workshop was just two days. We had many interactions with the horses. Koelle had us jump right into the first experience with very little direction. We were simply asked to step into the Round House (paneled, small coral) with a horse and establish trust and leadership. I volunteered to go first primarily because there wasn’t anyone else jumping up and I thought “go for it!”. Of course I had not yet seen the horse that entered the Round House ahead of me. As I was just about to head in, I heard the sounds of a very lively, large animal bolting around the space. I must admit at that point I wanted to bolt myself. I had all sorts of stories running through my mind about this wild animal on the other side of the door. Interestingly, I wasn’t thinking much about my own level of anxiety and just how that might be contributing to the craziness in the ring.

I entered. Though will confess not alone. We had been offered the option to take one of the leaders in with us. Koelle was right there at the door when I was wavering. From a leadership perspective I had some fears that I might be showing sights of weakness but I decided for once it was okay to ask for help. Once inside the horse continued to bolt around, at times coming closer than I wanted into my space. Koelle, simply stayed close by and her calm presence slowly and without words, became a bit of a beacon for both me and the horse. That is really all I clearly remember about my first pass with one of the horses.

We had two more opportunities to enter the Round House with a horse. Each time with a bit more information about how to read the signals the horse was giving and also with some background on just how horses work. As herd animals, they are looking for a leader. In nature, that leader is a mare. (now that came as a surprise to me). It seems the mare is the one who is best tuned into the greater environment, meaning herself, the herd and everything around. She is generally pretty calm and gives subtle signals that allow the entire herd to pick up the clues without a panic. Obviously I was not coming into the Round House with anything close to that level of inner calm or providing subtle clues of my discomfort. Pretty much everything was LOUD.

However, by my third trip into the round house, I was beginning to get the message. First, get in touch with me and from there be clear about my message without big, loud gestures or effort. My last interaction with one of the horses was awesome. I found ways of leading the stallion around the ring at various speeds, turning him with ease. But the best part was when I dropped the usual activities and invited him to move with me. At one point I was skipping and he was following without any fear of my ‘bigger gestures’. Needless to say, he wasn’t skipping but he had no problem keeping up. Interesting though how in that moment it wasn’t so much about him following as it was about me simply being me.

I know I am sort of a high energy, easily distracted type of leader. I often work really hard to tone myself down or stay focused. The horses taught me the value in being me. I discovered it wasn’t my high energy that was a problem it was my high anxiety, resulting from my inner fear of being too much. If I was simply high energy the horse was fine – thus the skipping and at one point running together around the ring. I also learned that one of the greatest gifts of the mare is that she too is easily “distracted”. She is tracking everything and that gift allows her to discover problems early, chart new paths and find what seem to be hidden options. May be distraction isn’t so bad after all.

In the end I came away from the weekend wishing more leaders had a chance to learn from horses. There is such an honest, simple way in which these big, powerful animals communicate what is working and what is not. We have the same potential but so often our words become our primary message and we stop really owning all the non-verbal messages that are being broadcast louder than the words on the surface.

There was much more that happened in the two days. I highly recommend anyone who leads people and is curious about discovering more about what messages they may be broadcasting to consider taking Leading from the Inside Out with Koelle and Diane Continue reading Learning to Lead from a Horse →

I am off to Portland with a heavy heart.  My good friend Jennifer Sass is not doing very well.  Of course, knowing Jennifer she just might be around a lot longer than is currently predicted.  Yet, I knew this visit was better to not put off.  In the past few years I have had hints, little whispers before a storm, that came and took with it a close friend, mentor or loved one.  I have generally been writing words of my loving and awe of these friends after they were gone.

This time I would like to write about Jennifer before she takes that last breath.  I doubt she’ll see, read or even hear about whatever words show up here.  My blog is often more of a path for me to open my heart and let whatever feelings and thoughts need to surface, flow.  I think the decision to visit Jennifer, because I heard the whisper, and my desire to arrive with an open heart, for whatever the next couple days have to offer, are compelling me to write now!

Jennifer, Jennifer you are such a force of nature.  You have been an important part of my life for more than twenty years.  I first met you from a distance.  You and your band of merry friends, laughing and loving life during a month long Haven program.  I was bald and just barely finding my way through my own run with cancer.  You inspired me.  Not much was funny about my life at the time, but whenever I had the chance, I would walk with you guys and laugh.  Of course, this also was a time when you stepped into my shoes in a psychodrama and later shared that you had to go burn your clothes to find a way to rid yourself of some of my nightmare that you stepped into that day.

We have walked together through many things since then.  Now, my cancer is gone and you have been fighting with your own for a few years. Some might think I have fared better, being cancer free for several years.  But anyone who has walked this painful path knows cancer isn’t about who lives beyond cancer, but how one lives with it.  You have lived well my friend!!!  It might be cancer that takes you on to your next adventure, but it will never be cancer that defeats you!!!

Just yesterday, as I was sitting in meditation after some yoga, I believe I had a moment with your spirit, a blazing bright light that simply brought a smile upon my face.  You are already out there taking in what’s next, and I imagine fully realizing that letting go of this physical body won’t take you away from the hearts of those you love but may even bring you closer.

It might take a while longer for those of us you may soon be leaving behind to fully get that you are not gone!!  So you need to let us cry, wail and gather around you.

Your love of family is something that is truly inspirational.  You and Dick are like the poster people for Haven relationships.  Sure you have had some crazy times, and I am guessing a few of us have wondered, “Why are they still together?”.  But you both have stuck with each other through hell, heaven and everything in between.  Then there’s the rest of the family.  Anyone who steps into your home knows that family and friends are what matter to you.  The walls are a walking storytelling experience: the Bements, the Sasses, The Haven family over the years.  I love being in your home.  I see and feel the loving of you wherever I go.

Plus, if it weren’t for you I may never have interviewed my parents and discovered the richness of their lives. I may never have discovered the possible stories beyond my own nightmare versions of my past. You challenged me, both in terms of family history, and in terms of other relationships that shifted or changed in my world over the years.   I sometimes moved on, yet you always reminded me to look back with different eyes and possibly meet these same people in a new way. That is a very special gift I think you have offered so many.

There are many things I haven’t spoken of in this little blog. You are my friend, and right now, I prefer to briefly hold your hand even if you don’t know I am here, than wait to talk about you once you are gone.  I hope that’s okay with you.

If you are indeed ready to go, I support you.  If you want to hang around longer, that’s okay too.  As I said,  I am of two minds – one wanting you to stay so we can chat for hours once again – the other wanting you to let go of the physical limits of this body.  Either way your light will remain bright through the hearts of all of us that love you!!!  Relax and let that loving in!!!  I love you.

I am not really sure I am up for writing this blog. However, I know writing is often very helpful for me in finding a path through things I don’t really like feeling.

To set the context without giving details, I am having a tough time because I put myself out for something I thought I’d be good at, and someone else was selected. Now really, this sounds like a childhood story of not being picked as the captain at recess. The truth is, it feels a lot like that, and I sure wish it didn’t.

Right now I wish I had never thrown my name into the hat. It would have been much easier. I realize I have probably done that a few times in my life, not admitting I wanted something, watching someone else get picked without letting on that I was ever interested.

The problem for me with that approach is that I work with leaders and a leader’s job is to be willing to step up and be vulnerable. There’s a lot of vulnerability in saying you want the job, thinking you can do it. It is easy to see the ego in that effort, and sure, there has to be some self-confidence and desire to even say, “pick me”.

In my case, vulnerability may be a bit harder to see. I wanted the job but I wasn’t the one picked, and now I have to find a way to still be willing to play. That’s the tough part. I want to pull back and not get involved.

I want to say they didn’t pick the right person. I wish I wasn’t like that. The worst part is the humbling aspects of my very unattractive need to make the winner wrong.

Somehow that keeps the pain away. On some level I know this heartache isn’t all from this one event. That’s part of the problem. My rational brain could easily help me out of this mess. The person picked is actually pretty good. The truth is, I think the person selected is pretty regularly picked to be captain and I guess I wanted my shot.

Now I am trying to find some graceful path through this. I am working to embrace the ego aspect of myself that hurts and does some unattractive ego things; I am doing my best to avoid doing these ego-related activities out loud or at least not outside the circle of friends who know I am venting.

The next step is to reach out to the winner. As I mentioned before, it’s not like this person is the problem. I actually have enjoyed some of the work we have done together in the past. Maybe I will get to a place where I can find the best role for me to play.

I really wish could transcend my little ego self. But I have never been any good at transcending anything. The best I can do is dive right into my overly active storytelling self and do my best to ride through all the feelings that come up. I’d like to think I don’t spill them everywhere as I find my way through wild range of emotions that surface when I am hurting. I think I am better than I use to be. But there are still some occasional splashes and I need to do my best in cleaning things up as needed.

This is no hero’s journey, it’s more like a fool’s jump. I think I feel more alive as a fool rather than a hero. It doesn’t feel as comfortable, but life isn’t about being comfortable or looking good. It is about being real. This pain feels real and I imagine this too shall pass!!