The Living Alive Phase has begun!  I must admit as I was leaving home for the month, I was quite sad and wishing that the timing was different.  CrisMarie’s play, Private Eyes, was opening after my departure, I had just returned from a wonderful writing weekend inspired to write daily.  We also were only part way through our web site design.  So the timing was less than ideal for me.So I was a bit distracted when I arrived.

As the first evening begun, I did wonder how would I get myself fully engaged.  Of course I enjoyed seeing Carole Ames (my co-leader) and connecting with the rest of the leader team, but I still wasn’t ready to say – yes, I am here for the month.  However, as each person in our circle spoke about themselves and how they got to the Phase, I found myself totally transformed.  Their courage, excitement and curiosity about the journey they were imparting on was a call to my heart.  I was reminded of why I love this work.

Now at the half-way point, I find myself settling into a day off.  This post has been left unfinished for well over a week.  My writing has been very limited.  My own story has gone background unless touched by something someone shared.  However, I am quite full from the many stories, emotional moments and connections I have been privileged to witness.  However, those stories are not mine to write or post.

This morning before our break we invited folks to journal about where they started and what they have learned about their patterns and the landscape in which they live.  As always I found myself reflecting on my own journey thus far.  I have noticed I am way more relaxed than I have been at other times in my life.  Sure I can be intense and definitely have fiery moments, however, my shoulders are looser.  I think I laugh more and cry easier.  I find myself more willing to pause and stand in stillness, wait and have faith in the process that is unfolding in front of me.  Of course my desire to participate and engage are far from muted, so I often do jump in.  Though I am far less convinced I have an answer.  Having said that I have also caught myself in my defenses and been humbled as I worked to take back down the walls that can come up so quickly when I have stepped into a righteous place.

I am curious about those who so freely touch and hug.  This is simply not a part of the landscape I move to often.  I like a bit of space between me and another.  I use to fear physical contact – now it is far less about fear and more about a richer connection I find in acknowledging that space, being curious in our differences and how we each wish to build a bridge.  I wonder if others find that clarity in a hug or in touch itself.  It is a question I often ponder about and rarely ask.

I have loved being more at ease and familiar with what is happening in my body.  I’d like to think I am often tracking what I am feeling, but the truth is, I am more frequently engaged through my mind.  I can easily get caught thinking through my life.  However, this work demands that I pay closer attention to more than my thoughts.  So each morning as a breath and settle into my body for the day, I find I am more attuned to the ques coming from a broader spectrum.  Yes, I am thinking, I am feeling and I am spiriting – instead of doubt or asking ‘why’, I am freer in using the all of my resources.

So this is a bit of my world this month.  In a day or so I will be taking myself out of this space and popping into a corporate event.  I imagine it will be quite different.  Yet I am wanting to continue to bring all of me to the moment in front of me.  I am excited to connect with CrisMarie and look forward to us working together for a couple days.  I’ll miss the circle here.  Yet I am confident that the connection will not be lost.  May be that is what is most exciting about my current experience, I feel more connected even when I am far, far away.  What has at times seemed so separate or different – now seems simply unique – yet still part of a whole or a oneness.  I am grateful for this expanded experience of life even though I know that this too will shift and that too is okay.  I have faith – in me, in us, in ALL.

Back in the early 80’s, I arrived at The Haven for a Come Alive.  That five-day program changed my life – I did literally come alive.  I arrived with a belief that I had about three to six months to live due to an advanced cancer process.  So I had nothing to lose.  I discovered and witnessed something that ignited health, well-being and possibility inside of me.  There’s a story to tell but honestly it’s not the one I want to write now. (Though I did write an earlier blog on that.) No, I want to write about what happened after Come Alive.  Because Come Alive was like being shocked back into my body.  However, I don’t believe I learned much in those five days about how to sustain that aliveness.  Sure the tools were there but five days is five days.  I tasted life and there was something I discovered worth living for, but I didn’t really get how to live that day-to-day.

No, that came later to me.  Again another program at the Haven, this one Living Alive, also know as the Phase program.  This program is a twenty-five day intensive.  Yes, it can be taken in two parts.  However, I recommend the twenty-five days if at all possible.  This program takes the Come Alive and breaks it down.  Suddenly, I’m responsible for breathing every day, speaking up and checking in.  I have to do the working to relate and discover the richness in my follow travelers.  No one is pushing me.  I really get to see how I opt out or jump in.  I discover patterns that get in my way of creating the relationships I want, the life I want.  In twenty-five days I really cannot hide from myself.

Now, twenty-five plus years later, I lead the Living Alive Phase I. Over the years between interning, assisting and leading, I have taken this journey many, many times.  Yet, I don’t think I often market the program.  I do recommend it to folks but probably not as much as I could.  Why?  I don’t know.  That’s really why I wanted to write this blog.  I wanted to tell people about this amazing offering that truly is life-changing.

Living Alive Phase I – Participants’ Stories from The Haven on Vimeo.

I don’t know why The Living Alive program is not always filled.  There seems to be so many people who are dissatisfied with their life in some way – either work or relationship or health.  I hear and see many people looking outside of themselves for answers and frustrated by the results, yet continuing to spend lots of money asking someone for the ‘right answer’.

Living Alive isn’t about giving answers.  Basically, the premise is that you have the answers inside of you, and you just need to learn your path to access your wisdom.  In addition, in relationship to others, there is a tremendous amount that can be learned and discovered about yourself and the patterns and things you do that hinder or help you find that fulfillment.

Living Alive is journey of self-responsibility, choice and curiosity, not about the ‘right’ answer, but the process, the pain the joy in being fully alive even when it hurts.  That may not be for everyone.  But if you do want that, I say put you money into spending twenty-five days exploring the amazing possibilities that exist when relational health becomes the avenue to transformation.  Step in and invest in your own inner wisdom and finding the answers that fit for you.

Yes, this is a bit of a marketing pitch.  I am leading the next Living Alive Phase I starting April 17 (less than a month away!!) and I am excited about a great group of people who are interested in self-discovery and aliveness.

Are you? So I am putting my voice out there and calling those who are looking to sign up.  I would love to see you there!!

Susan Clarke is a long standing faculty member at The Haven.

Tonight CrisMarie’s show, Looking opens. This is her fourth show and each part has been more challenging and interesting. This time the play is about middle-age dating. CrisMarie is the sexy, somewhat defended police officer, who isn’t looking and of course …. well I don’t want to give anything away.

Community theater actors and directors are truly inspired folks. Without any promise of a pay check and a small support staff, the actors/director, spend weeks in rehearsal, build the set, move it into the theater (a full day job) and take it down at the end. Not to mention, sell ads and get show sponsors. Indeed it takes a lot to put on a show.

Back on the home front, my job is relatively easy. Make sure everything at home runs smoothly. For the most part that isn’t to much to ask. However, I notice as opening night gets closer, I see less and less of CrisMarie and much more of Nina. Living with a sexy, defended police officer isn’t all bad. At times she’ll share how she trying to relate to a piece in the play and all too often I find myself laughing because in my mind she is so like Nina!! I have heard many of those lines directed at me earlier in our relationship.

I like this play. I read it early on in rehearsals and found it smart, funny and very engaging. Sure I can get a little jealous knowing there are some passionate moments where all that passion is directed towards someone other than me. But honestly, I enjoy seeing CrisMarie, alive and embodying her passionate and sexy self.

Truth is the hardest part is watching how hard she can be on herself. She’s an Olympian and that same energy that makes her an elite athlete gets channeled into Whitefish Montana’s community theater. She expects GOLD. So of course when she’s less than perfect, she’s back to running lines, practicing and making sure the next time she takes the stage, she’ll be ON.

This is what it’s like BEFORE the show opens. Once the show begins, well, that focus is even greater.

Fortunately for me, I love live theater. Each night is different and I can see a play many times and enjoy the different energy. However, I do have my own anxiety about how well things are going. Do people like the show? Is CrisMarie on? Are they laughing enough? The worst is when I come with friends because I want them to like the play and especially CrisMarie. Of course none of that is really any of my business.

This show is running right alongside the summer Olympics in London. I doubt CrisMarie has even noticed. She is so involved in her Show. But for me, I watch the Games and think about the fact, this too, is a stage she has played on. What I love most is that I know she puts the same heart, soul and dedication into both. For her, theater is just another team sport. Just like rowing, she knows the job isn’t just for her to shine but for her to do everything she can to ensure the four stars of this show work together to deliver a strong performance each night!! She will do her Olympic best to make sure that happens. That is just who she is.

So tonight instead of the Olympics I will be watching CrisMarie take the stage in Whitefish, MT. I’ll likely be just like family and friends of those Olympians. Holding my breath and hoping for a strong performance.

That’s what is cool about being married to an Olympian. Be it a local play or a national stage, she will give it all she has and I will be proud!!!

Go Team USA and go Team Looking!!

It happened to me. Yes, apparently quite easily, someone got into my blog and inserted a virus. Thanks to a regular reader I got the news quickly. But discovered, this is not an easy problem to solve without computer code knowledge. Besides I found myself dealing with all my own shame and embarrassment at the major warning signs that were showing up with any attempt to visit my site. Google sited me as a hostile and I believe it triggered all my insecurities. Who knew google was going to provide an opportunity for personal growth and development

It has taken two weeks to get things turned around. After trying a service designed to do the dirty work of cleaning my site and having that fail, I turned to a friend who offered her computer wizard. Within a day, he let me know that indeed I had been hacked and that my site needed more security and screening going forward. He also got right to fixing the problem!!

I am hoping none of my favorite fans or new readers have been exposed to any serious problems. I was informed that any virus screening would ensure a healthy system on your end. I also hope that you are still around to read this humble apology should there be any virus detection associated with having read my blog.

Likely there will be more changes coming to my page. Since I needed to invest in cleaning and security I also got the bonus of a possible new look. I haven’t made any major decisions on that but do hope to create a new look that launches my coaching practice.

Again sorry for any hostile warning signals you may have received. I have been cleared now. Which is quite a process. I am glad to be back up and running and will commit to greater security and prevention going forward!

I am back in Montana after a month up at The Haven leading the Phase program. A month is a long time to be away from home. Yes, I love the program and believe there is incredible value for folks who decide to take the time. Still, it’s a long journey.

Of course, it is not simply a discovery process for those who are participating. I also learn amazing amounts about myself. This year there were a number of situations I found challenging. There were some personalities that were not easy for me to like. Sometimes because of what seemed like impulsive and angry behavior that got in the way of others. Also, I was told to ‘f-off’ more than ever before. In general, I expect some negative transference or some projection. This time though I did find myself exhausted and wishing I could push a ‘mute’ button when I saw the signs of an eruption.

We also had a leadership team that struggled to work together. I generally think of myself as someone is pretty good at building positive team dynamics; however, we struggled. There simply wasn’t the level of laughter and good will I am use to in our meetings.

Still even with all the challenges, I love this program. Because it isn’t really about having a ‘feel good’ experience. No, The Phase is about ‘living alive’ and that means spontaneous, impulsive behavior. It means having issues come up between people and dealing with them live time. Sometimes it even means asking someone to leave and having to deal with the empty space and the fears that they may not be okay.

Yes, this year’s Phase was not easy. It was real. There were some wonderful moments and once again I was privileged to witness transformation.

Now home I am working to get caught up on things. Of course that also involves reflecting on my own learnings from the month.

In general, I feel good about how I handled things. Though I frustrated myself at times, I also found paths out of the frustration. I did move from being in my role to being personal and authentic. I handled some very difficult conversations and came away feeling like I had said what needed to be said, listened and at times was influenced and changed accordingly. I liked the people I got to know and as I looked around the closing circle, had memories of each person that will remind me why I do this work.

Yes, it is great to be home, and I miss dancing before each group session, a schedule that ensures I stay on track, and mostly, folks interested in growth and engaging fully in life!! I would say until next year, but the next Phase I’m leading comes earlier in February. So less than a year away. Wow!