A Point of Reflection – Mid-Phase

The Living Alive Phase has begun!  I must admit as I was leaving home for the month, I was quite sad and wishing that the timing was different.  CrisMarie’s play, Private Eyes, was opening after my departure, I had just returned from a wonderful writing weekend inspired to write daily.  We also were only part way through our web site design.  So the timing was less than ideal for me.So I was a bit distracted when I arrived.

As the first evening begun, I did wonder how would I get myself fully engaged.  Of course I enjoyed seeing Carole Ames (my co-leader) and connecting with the rest of the leader team, but I still wasn’t ready to say – yes, I am here for the month.  However, as each person in our circle spoke about themselves and how they got to the Phase, I found myself totally transformed.  Their courage, excitement and curiosity about the journey they were imparting on was a call to my heart.  I was reminded of why I love this work.

Now at the half-way point, I find myself settling into a day off.  This post has been left unfinished for well over a week.  My writing has been very limited.  My own story has gone background unless touched by something someone shared.  However, I am quite full from the many stories, emotional moments and connections I have been privileged to witness.  However, those stories are not mine to write or post.

This morning before our break we invited folks to journal about where they started and what they have learned about their patterns and the landscape in which they live.  As always I found myself reflecting on my own journey thus far.  I have noticed I am way more relaxed than I have been at other times in my life.  Sure I can be intense and definitely have fiery moments, however, my shoulders are looser.  I think I laugh more and cry easier.  I find myself more willing to pause and stand in stillness, wait and have faith in the process that is unfolding in front of me.  Of course my desire to participate and engage are far from muted, so I often do jump in.  Though I am far less convinced I have an answer.  Having said that I have also caught myself in my defenses and been humbled as I worked to take back down the walls that can come up so quickly when I have stepped into a righteous place.

I am curious about those who so freely touch and hug.  This is simply not a part of the landscape I move to often.  I like a bit of space between me and another.  I use to fear physical contact – now it is far less about fear and more about a richer connection I find in acknowledging that space, being curious in our differences and how we each wish to build a bridge.  I wonder if others find that clarity in a hug or in touch itself.  It is a question I often ponder about and rarely ask.

I have loved being more at ease and familiar with what is happening in my body.  I’d like to think I am often tracking what I am feeling, but the truth is, I am more frequently engaged through my mind.  I can easily get caught thinking through my life.  However, this work demands that I pay closer attention to more than my thoughts.  So each morning as a breath and settle into my body for the day, I find I am more attuned to the ques coming from a broader spectrum.  Yes, I am thinking, I am feeling and I am spiriting – instead of doubt or asking ‘why’, I am freer in using the all of my resources.

So this is a bit of my world this month.  In a day or so I will be taking myself out of this space and popping into a corporate event.  I imagine it will be quite different.  Yet I am wanting to continue to bring all of me to the moment in front of me.  I am excited to connect with CrisMarie and look forward to us working together for a couple days.  I’ll miss the circle here.  Yet I am confident that the connection will not be lost.  May be that is what is most exciting about my current experience, I feel more connected even when I am far, far away.  What has at times seemed so separate or different – now seems simply unique – yet still part of a whole or a oneness.  I am grateful for this expanded experience of life even though I know that this too will shift and that too is okay.  I have faith – in me, in us, in ALL.