Category Archives: Connection

Communication, Connection, Valuing Differences

Getting To Clarity & Connection

I am spending the day in the house. I woke up this morning running a fever. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, I am not one that likes to rest and recover, I tend to overdo.  But I really want to kick this cold/flu, or whatever it is, out of my system. So I am willing to spend a day inside. I hope CrisMarie will be willing to pick up some Rice Dream for me when she heads out. I don’t have much of an appetite but Ice (Rice) Dream sounds wonderful!

I have a book to read, papers to work on, my computer and a variety of beverages sitting on my bedside table. I am working on a newsletter article about Pat Lencioni’s book, Naked Consulting. Basically the book is all about being real and authentic—and that is why I love it. I don’t want to give away the newsletter by writing too much about the book, but I think it’s a great read. Of course the title is a bit provocative. We sent a copy to an HR friend and she said this book would be an HR nightmare. There’s no doubt Pat probably was hoping for that type of reaction. 

While the title may be potentially an HR nightmare, the subject matter really isn’t an HR issue.  HR departments have simply become the enforcers of programs, guidelines, and policies, set up to overcome longstanding prejudices and ignorance about the differences between people and power. I’ve never thought that laws and policy were a very effective solution for relational dynamics. Sometimes laws give a certain amount of comfort, defining for someone the parameters of certain types of behavior that are either bad or wrong. This can confirm a person’s opinion, but it doesn’t necessarily create a significant change in attitude. People might learn to say the right words but it is unlikely to really change their views and may even create more distance.

So what is the solution? I think the best way to create a shift in attitude and behavior is by learning to understand the impact certain behaviors have on others. Instead of counting on a policy to ensure that inappropriate language is not used in the workplace, I have to speak up whenever I see it happening.  Not just when it happens to me but, even more importantly, as an accountability measure when I see someone I work with saying or doing something to someone else that I find offensive. Not to make them wrong, but to be real and authentic and in the moment is when I believe real change can happen.

When I have done this—I have been surprised by the results. Often I have either learned something very valuable about the person I was speaking to, which in turn influenced my position. Or they were curious about my reaction and we had an dialogue that I would later discover had a positive impact on them.  Of course this does not ensure change or agreement, but when it comes to relationships, that is not really the most important outcome. The most important outcome is clarity and connection by way of authentic and real conversation.

Communication, Connection, Life Experiences

Saluting A Comrade

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In just a few days we’ll be back into the thick of our work.  We have client work that fills the next two weeks.  In some ways this is a good thing.  For CrisMarie it will give her something to focus on as she continues to integrate the information that her brother is gone.  For me it’ s a way to quit thinking so much about cancer.

Tom in many ways was more of a ‘brother in arms’ to me than a brother-in-law.  I never fought in a war, but over the years I have worked with many folks who did and they often spoke of the unique relationship they had with anyone else who served.  For me, there is something similar with the folks who cross my path while dealing with cancer.  It goes way back to my own fight and the people who were in the oncology department at the same time I was.  Really, the first comrade I remember was the other woman who was in the Life, Death & Transitions workshop with me along with 90 other folks who were health-care providers for cancer patients.  The workshop was run by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who was an expert in the field on death & dying.  I went because I was told I was dying and really had no clue how to do that at 24 and thought the workshop might help.  The other woman was fighting breast cancer and  had been for a while, much like a long term, multiple-tour veteran.  She  had a very strict routine and belief system.  I don’t think she liked me very much because I was not really ‘strong’.  I wasn’t doing everything by the book.  Of course, I did not know there was a book, but she had a very clear intent and was not going to give the cancer one ounce of  negative energy.  No tears, no anger.  I was a bit more undisciplined, and I sort wished she would cry because I could feel the pain she carried under the surface.  Still, I respected her choice – how she fought.

There have been many more folks since then.  I have sat and talked, cried, screamed and raged with many comrades.  I still am a bit undisciplined in my approach to cancer.  I am not one to believe it’s all about being positive or about fighting the good fight.  I think the cancer fight is quite unique.  There is a bond we share, but there isn’t a common play book that wins the war.

Even after twenty years, as I sat with Tom and he looked to me for some sort of answers, I knew I had none.  There is no right way to deal with cancer.  Just like there isn’t a right way to deal with living through a war.  It’s a bloody fight and many people die.

There are lots of lessons learned from studying veterans.  Though each war seems different, there are the common links.  I think it is like that with cancer.  There are different types of cancer, fast growing cell types, slow growing, very invasive and more contained types.  There are many ways of fighting a war – on the ground, in the air, on the water or even gorilla style.  Same with cancer – there’s chemo, radiation, surgery, transplants and also the alternative style which may be more like gorilla style – not as organized or as obvious.  There’s a mindset that is required to fight cancer.  People are uncomfortable talking about cancer – particularly about the obvious closeness of death.  Much like wars – we don’t like to talk about the ugly reality of a war zone.

But really, for me, one of the hardest parts is when a comrade dies.  My heart aches.  I feel survivor quilt. I question my recovery and I rage against the crazy cancer process.

My war was many, many years ago and yet when I am with another cancer comrade I am right back there in the fight.  That’s why I am glad I’ll soon be back at my other job.  I don’t like the pain of reliving the past.  Of course, I will do it all again if I believe it can help one comrade in their fight against cancer.  Much like we all wish for a world without wars, I wish for a world without cancer.  Oddly, I think war and cancer are way too much alike.  Wars are simply men and women fighting each other over different beliefs and stories that are so deeply ingrained and compartmentalized that the the human connection has been lost.  Cancer is just my cells fighting against each other having lost the connecting link – communication has broken down.

Today isn’t about solving the bigger communication issue.  Though that is the very reason I do the work I do.  No, today still about saluting a comrade.  Today is also about crying for all the lives lost to this dirty, rotten war called cancer.  Tomorrow will be the day to move on and get back to work doing my little part to help improve the way people communicate.   May be someday that will make a difference by helping stop a war on any one of the many fronts we keep fighting them.

Connection, Vision

My Current Thinking on Energy & Evolution

We are energy beings.  What does that mean?  Well for me it means we vibrate and are fluid by design.  Sometimes that is hard to remember because my body and mind can get quite rigid and tight.  However, I know when I take a deep breath I can feel that vibration. Because we are vibrating beings, we are deeply connected to everything around us.  This planet and universe is all just energy and we are connected to that pulsing, oscillating frequency.  Energy moves in and out of physical form, appearing and disappearing.  We have spend eons of time trying to understand and confirm how this all works. But I wonder is that really the purpose of being here?

I realize there are many people who believe there is a God somewhere that will some day or in some way tell us or show us the bigger plan.  Myself I can’t imagine some masculine or feminine being out there with answers or directing the show.  I can imagine energy, moving, pulsating, vibrating – bursting into form, disappearing and appearing again.  I can also imagine that there is some type of consciousness or purpose beyond any one individual’s grasp.  From that perspective,  it’s not hard to believe that when this universe appeared we,  as living beings,  were more fluid and illuminated.  To me this means we were ourselves moving in and out of physical and non-physical experiences. As time passed we became more dense and our physical form less fluid.  I can imagine that because in this one lifetime that has been what has happened.  When I was young, very young,  my body vibrated. Babies are much closer to that fluid, pulsating beings and likely more connected to ALL or Source.  Maybe not consciously but organically and naturally. Then we learn to conform and ‘fit in’ and that path tightens and solidifies not just our muscular system but our minds and our beliefs.  This does make it possible to live together easier; however, we tend to do the conforming a bit to intensely and at some point often quite early lose touch or bury our deeper connection to that universal, pulsing energy.  We forget we are one and tend to believe we are The One.

This lifetime experience I believe is holographic to the planet’s experience.  Our planet or universe as been about experimenting with physical and non-physical forces.  Much like my short lifespan experience, the planet started much more fluid and pulsating and over time has solidified.

This is relevant I think because our planet is shifting back.  Science is beginning to uncover and report ways of understanding some of this through quantum physics and string theory.  We are evolving or may be simply returning or remembering. The planet’s rotation is reported as speeding up.  So are we.

Indeed this might result in a crisis and extinction of humankind and all life on the planet.  But if I don’t panic and simply recognize that my energy is revving up I can still breath and become aware.  I don’t really believe I am going to explode or become extinct.  Instead I find when I breath and tap back into the vibration I hear more, see more and discover ways I am connected to everyone and everything.

The stories we each live by and cling to are exploding and falling away.  The harder I try to hold on the tighter and more constricted I feel.  However, when I let go instead of no-thing I have a felt sense and greater knowing of the energy that is moving, pulsing and vibrating all around me.  My mind expands as does my body and spirit. Of course it also contracts again.  I am again in motion, moving and remembering, experiencing moments of timeless, space-less consciousness.  I am we and we are one. I can not stay there and may be that is the purpose. I am simply a contracting and expanding piece of a much bigger whole. When I am open and connected to that greater consciousness I get it.  When I contract I simply need to remember and allow the natural experience of being in an ocean.  Consciousness is never lost though at times it might be only visible to another.  It’s not all about me – we are in this together and once we get that – well who knows what will be possible!!