Life Experiences

My 10,000 hours of Practice

1 Comment

In Malcolm Caldwell’s book, Outliers, he talks about people who are masters in certain areas and that this level of mastery takes 10,000 hours of practice. This leaves me wondering what could I honestly say I have ‘mastered’ by this definition. I am known as someone who starts many things and gets to a certain level of ‘know-how’ and moves on. I doubt many would say I was looking to master anything.

That being said, I did recently attend a writing workshop and one of the facilitators offered a wonderful gem of wisdom. For all of us in the crowd, who would writing about our own life experiences, she said, “Your own life experience, well that is area you can each say you have 10,000 hours of experience in.” Therefore, I am a master of those stories. Writing them down is another skill all together – but it was good to know I at least have the hours covered to I have mastered the content of my book!

So indeed I have been writing down my stories. This is a slow process and not one I am prepared to share yet with the world wide web. However, I am beginning to tap into another potential area of mastery for myself. I think I could say I am a master in surviving.

First let’s look at the definition of survive.

v. sur·vived, sur·viv·ing, sur·vives
v.intr.
1. To remain alive or in existence.
2. To carry on despite hardships or trauma; persevere: families that were surviving in tents after the flood.
3. To remain functional or usable: I dropped the radio, but it survived.
v.tr.
1. To live longer than; outlive: She survived her husband by five years.
2. To live, persist, or remain usable through: plants that can survive frosts; a clock that survived a fall.
3. To cope with (a trauma or setback); persevere after: survived child abuse.

Indeed, I have ‘survivied’ a good deal longer than expected. The simple stories of this come from reviewing the years of dealing with cancer, (four times); there’s the ‘surviving’ child trauma (no need to go into details); then surviving ‘remembering the flashbacks’ etc.. from those younger years; also, there were my years as ‘only one of two white kids’ in my high school. I have a long list of these type of experiences. The one thing that I learned through all of that was: when faced with life or death, the best strategy is to be in the moment and access some sense of faith, well-being and humor, at least that has carried me through.

Even today, when my life is not really about that degree of drama, I can see the signs of my mastery when it comes to preparing for a colonscopy. I had to have one just recently. Those types of test bring up lots of things for me with my medical past dealing with cancer. So I do get myself into that life/death mentality and in that space, I shine. I find a way to take care of myself and be good at setting boundaries around what I need. I also am comfortable with the people I interact with. Meaning all the medical folks, the insurance folks, the people in the waiting room. Suddenly, I am at ease in this environment.

I am also good at coping with a setback. It is possible that without a setback I get a bit lost. I don’t like admitting to that. In many ways, I have been creative in ensuring that I regularly have enough drama in my life. I work with leaders and in organizations most often when they are in a crisis. At The Haven, the group work is primarily drawn from strong emotional events in people’s lives. I am am comfortable there.

In my own life, I struggle with the ordinary day-to-day. Generally speaking, I do my best work when pushed or at the last minute. I would really like to shift that. However, I first may need to really honor my ‘outlier’ skill set.

There may be a way to more creatively and consciously draw upon this skill set. Yes – I can honestly say I have 10,000 hours of practice in ‘surviving’ – remaining functional and useful against the odds. Yes, that was even how I got on my high basketball team. Not because I was a great basketball player but by selling my coach on how slow I was and that he needed that skill set. Indeed, survivial at it’s best. I knew I couldn’t out shoot or out run anyone on the court – but I also knew they needed someone to slow down the run-and-gun scorers – that was me.

I am good when things seem the darkest. I seem to see the stars in the blackest of nights. I like that about myself. Thus this blog is to honor my outlier skill set of surviving!!

Life Experiences, Uncategorized

Meltdown

I just started a coaching program with Martha Beck. I am a new cadet. I have mixed feelings about being back at the beginning. Part of me wants to tell everyone just how skilled I am and puff myself up as “been there done this already” person. Why? – because I am solidly in Square One of what Martha Beck calls her Change Cycle, and I am resisting like hell.

I signed up for this program when I was competent, confident consultant/coach/counselor. I signed up to enjoy the work that my partner had found so beneficial, and I wanted to join the tribe of folks she was finding so supportive and fun.

Yes, I signed up just to learn a few new things and may be start a coaching practice.

But no, that’s not what’s happened since. Martha talks about this idea of following your north star. In many ways I really do believe I have been there and done that. Problem though is that my north star keeps offering new possibilities. I sort knew that when I left living on Gabriola Island after 14 years to move back to Seattle and start a partnership and business with CrisMarie. I knew that when we packed up our business and home and moved to Montana to be a part of a spiritual community here. I had hints of another shift when we signed on as Table Group Consulting Principal to launch a stronger brand around some great simple business wisdom. In that moment, we let go of our business brand and aligned ourselves with others. I sort of knew we were shifting to make room for something that was coming. I just wasn’t sure what.

Then life started presenting a series of catalytic events (another Martha term for those things that throw you into the Change Cycle). First, our closest friends were suddenly no longer a good fit. That was a heartbreaking process for us all, I believe, and who knows if those fractures will ever heal. Next, we got clarity that even though we LOVE our boxer Bailey, he needs a different home. We travel too much and he is simply a dog that wants his people close by and a buddy who will play with him. Again my heart was/is broken, and we are looking for that perfect, forever home for him. Honestly, I can’t imagine not having him around – so I may be making this harder. Then came the real kicker, our business leader decided he needed to align the brand and business around his faith, which doesn’t fit for us. Suddenly, our plans to shift our business and our life direction was thrust upon us much faster than expected.

So instead of being a new cadet just interested in learning some new things about myself, I enter this new journey with a broken heart and a spinning compass (not sure where north is right now).

Martha uses a metaphor of a caterpillar changing to a butterfly in explaining her change process. The caterpillar gets a calling to make a cocoon, but honestly, one has to wonder if when she heads to the tree to start making that cocoon if she really has any idea what will happen once she’s in there.

Apparently, she turns to goo! That’s right. It’s really the only process like it in the living world of organisms. That caterpillar sets herself up for a major meltdown. Right now, I can relate. I feel a bit like goo. Plus, I don’t really want to go out into the world and connect. I want to hide inside even though it is a gorgeous day out there. I want to be angry at my friends, my business colleagues and even CrisMarie for suggesting Bailey isn’t a good fit. But the truth is, anger is simply a way to avoid what is really happening. I am being called to change – to sink into letting go of what’s been comfortable and secure and look inside and find my inner compass.

Sure, I want this to be easy. I want to figure out quickly who will be my new best friends and what our business will be called. I don’t want to feel the sorrow of saying good-bye to my buddy Bailey or the stabbing pain when I see his playful face on a flyer looking for a new home. I don’t want to feel the ache in my chest when I bump into someone who asks how my friend’s new book is coming, and I realize I have no idea because we aren’t talking anymore.

No, I don’t like this goo place. I want to escape. That sure would have been easier to do if I hadn’t signed up for this coaching program. Because now instead of simply being along to learn a few new things, I find myself living what I learning – goo and all.

It seems now, I can only hope in the end, I come out a butterfly!!

Life Experiences, Valuing Differences

A Crack – That is Letting the Light In

1 Comment

Looks like I am going to be going back to my roots. My life is presenting me with many opportunities to test my own congruence about valuing differences and acceptance.

On a personal level I am having to re-define relationships because our differences are no longer open for dialogue and more about black/white and right/wrong. Of course, in this course of re-defining I am having to look at how I am holding on to my position or presenting what is important to me. In the past, I would say I have always been a bit like my boxer, Bailey. People know where I stand, and I can look tough. However, equally like Bailey, I am not nearly as tough as my bark.

I have been learning that indeed I am quite an open-heart-ed person, who cares more about the relationship than my own point of view. Most of my life I think I have covered up this softer side because I really did believe that a tough front would be safer and create less pain. If no one ever knew that I cared deeply, they would more likely give me an honest opinion. Plus, I grew up watching lots of strongly opinionated people sit around a dinner table and wrestle with politics, religion and various other intellectual challenges, and it seemed to me, the best at it, were the most opinionated and loudest. So I went that route.

Many years later, a few health challenges and lots of deep emotional de-armoring, I am realizing that there is indeed another path. One that isn’t easy for me but much more fulfilling and quite frankly, honest. That path is one of vulnerability and intimacy (into-to-me-see). The problem with the new path is that I often have a shaky voice and don’t sound quite as solid. Also I cry. I am not comfortable crying. Just doesn’t come easy. Plus, big tears for me is usually not so obvious to anyone else. Inside I am wailing, but outside I think I look a bit more tight.

Still, I like me better this way. I like being able to finally say to the world – I care more about you and I connecting, having an honest dialogue than I do about a truth, or any one opinion.

Of course, I am also learning that this is not a value that everyone has or is interested in considering. Some folks really are all about finding ‘a truth’ – or the ‘truth’.

I work in relationship to a very charismatic leader who has become quite respected for some very simple and practical wisdom when applied to business, teams and leadership. I love his message – well the message in the books. It seems he is becoming more interested in including his strong religious values as part of his message. He has a platform from which to speak and wants to speak about what matters most to him. On one level that is great. However, his religious beliefs are not mine. At first, I thought this wouldn’t be a problem. I respect differences and have always loved working with teams, people who are very different than me. However, I am getting the message that may be my belief – but not his. He believes in one truth and that truth quite clearly makes some people ‘wrong’ or eliminates the values of others. That’s not okay with me.

So now both on a personal and a professional level, I am being challenged to stand forth. To show up and not fight about these issues but to speak from my heart, my heart that feels a bit broken right now. Much like the Leonard Cohen lyrics, “a crack in anything is where the light gets in”, I believe this broken heart of mine is an opportunity to discover what is next for me. To find my own words and message.

I do have something to say about all this. The message is forming. When I am ready, I plan to step up and without the heavy armor of my past and say what I think. Sure my voice may crack and likely I will have some moist eyes (that you might just think are tight) but I will be strong – not tough – strong.

I do hope the message will be the one my life has been crafting since the beginning. Because I think I came into this world wanting to bridge differences, not knock them down. I think bridges are for crossing over and seeing what life is like from someone else’s perspective. Sure I have an opinion and it is quite likely a good one for me – but it isn’t the only one. That much I do know for sure.

Life Experiences

My Love of Music

Music is the sensational experience of the heart.

What does that mean? Well, I know that music is the one thing that gets inside my walls and leaves cracks that let in enough light to change my story and open new ways of thinking.

Music gets me moving even when I am convinced that I can’t move. Slowly a rhythm will get my head nodding or my feet tapping. Before too long I am up dancing.

Music reaches across languages. I can listen to music from around the world, never understanding one word but fully connecting on an emotional and physical level to a message that is universal.

When I think back over the years there are songs that mark many of the significant events of my life. Some happy, some sad, some joyful and some still filled with pain and heartache. However, when the music takes me back to the many stories of my life, it’s sort of like watching a film or reading a great book. I find my way through, the notes and the cords allow feelings to flow and I seem to be able to let go and just ride the waves.

Though I enjoy the present moment. I am glad I have the past at my disposal to drop into periodically. The past reminds me there are reasons for these aches, pains, wrinkles and scars. So I collect the music that makes it easier to draw from my past. Music makes the sticky spots much more creative and fluid.

So music is a sensual experience. I feel music through every cell in my body. Music dropped me into a deep sound sleep for some necessary surgery. Music kept me focused on the present and a future when chemotherapy was burning through my veins. Music kept me company when I was not sleeping due to some flashbacks from the past. Music cracks open my heart when I pretend I don’t care and get caught in my old armor.

I have a new playlist blasting into my ear buds now. I hadn’t really planned on writing about my love of music. Actually I was getting pretty down about my writing. So I plugged in my ear buds and sure enough my heart started pumping and my body rocking. So once again music provides that crack that lets just enough light in to get a new post completed!!

Business, Valuing Differences, Vision

Steve & Me

I have found myself reading various articles about Steve Jobs since his death. Right now I am working my way through a biography written by Walter Isaacson. Why am I so interested? Because Steve Jobs seemed to be someone who was the best and the worst of humanity, a visionary and a jerk, rich and minimalistic, extremely emotional (breaking into tears) and cold. The book is long but interesting. I appreciate Isaacson’s effort to give a realistic, honest history of Steve Jobs – not perfect, not nasty – just a recipe of the many sides of this man who few can argue had a significant impact on our culture.

I have admired Steve Jobs because, well, I love my ipad and iphone. I appreciate Apple ads and like what seems to be the simple, yet artistic nature of all that Apple offers. I get now that it isn’t all the doing of Steve Jobs. Honestly, it seems as though the best of the engineering and anesthetic nature of Apple products was the result of others like Steve Woznick and Jonathan Ive. Still it is very clear without Jobs, Apple would not be the Apple it is today.

I have friends and colleagues who hate the guy because of his narcissistic style and mean, tyrant-like leadership. I guess I would argue that at least with Steve Jobs you knew where you stood. He may have had two faces (or more) but it seems as a leader everyone saw all of the options – the good, bad and ugly. I don’t think that is the norm. Most of us try to hide the ugly. Even though it might be less attractive, I admire the straightness and integrity of someone who is simply out there.

I have my own issues around the narcissism. I struggle with relationships where I judge someone to be so involved with themselves that others don’t exist. However, I am also very aware of my own narcissistic tendencies. I can indeed assume at times the world revolves around me.

I am also aware that a healthy does of narcissism makes for a great story-teller and leader. Of course, I want the positive qualities and would prefer to disconnect from the less attractive aspects.

Well, that is not so easy. I guess that is what I am appreciating about exploring Steve Jobs. As a public figure, he remained quite private. As a leader he was quite self-absorbed. As a creative wizard, he left behind friends. He was so human. May be that is what is so appealing to me. Here is a man he was for some was a hero, for some a jerk but willingly left us with a story that reveals the man behind the hero. It may not be pretty, or nice – but it does seem real.

I have a lot of Steve Jobs in me, minus the billions, the public persona and the great products. I am creative and a jerk. I can be loyal and mean. I cry and at times I appear uncaring and cool. I am human. I hope I can be as okay with myself as Steve Jobs seemed to be. He asked that his biography reflect only what was shared – that whatever his friends, his enemies and his family had to say, not be censured. That, I believe, is courageous and real. As a result some of my admiration has been wiped away. I see more of the man less of the hero. Yet in the end I like that. I myself prefer being human to being a hero. I believe it is a much harder path to follow and definitely a road worth traveling.

Connecting, Vision, writing

Why Write a Book?

3 Comments

When I look back on the many lists I have made about things I want to do with my life, one thing has been a constant. I have wanted to write a book. What’s equally interesting about this constant is that I have really done very little to make that happen. Yes, I have taken writing classes, written tons of short pieces and started this blog. But nothing as committed to completing the goal as I have been to other things that would show up on my list, like a bike tour in Europe or moving to Montana, getting my Diploma in Counseling at The Haven or starting our own company, Thrive!. These I put on the list, saw them and did them. Some taking more discipline than others.

So I decided to hire a coach. CrisMarie had the name of someone who was known for coaching writers so I decided to set up a chat. Honestly, I had no idea what to expect but what I thought would be an easy call turned into something else entirely.

It isn’t that this writing coach said anything too harsh. She simply wanted to know why I wanted to write a book, and as I rattled off the many things that seemed like good reasons, she kept pointing out that my responses seemed to have more to do with what others wanted than what I wanted.

At one point on the call I started down the path of sharing that I wanted to write my story. The journey I had been on through cancer and through dealing with my history which was filled with stories that never could be confirmed as fiction or non-fiction. She was relentless in trying to re-focusing me on the question of “why write a book?” and “who is audience?”. I found myself and tears and quite fragmented by the end of the call.

So I wonder what is it about writing a book that remains untouched on my list of lifetime goals and causes such fragmentation with simple questions like why do you want to write? and who are you writing for?.

As I told the coach, there is some part of me that simply wants to say “I did it. I started and I finished.” I have a history of believing I am not very good at that. I tried making that I worthwhile reason for why on the call by sharing my childhood experience of having an unfinished box of craft projects that haunted me. The coach didn’t fall for that. She pointed out that that still wasn’t about my reason now for writing and would not likely carry me through the mess and hard work of completing a book.

She wanted to know why, if I enjoyed blogging, didn’t I do more and make that a path for my writing. I had shared that I loved blogging but was not as disciplined as I wanted to me. Again, I tried using the ADD, distraction excuse, but I was not going to get off that easy. So instead, I dug deeper and that is how I found myself talking about my history. Dealing with cancer and my memories from my childhood. The story came out quite scrambled in my opinion. At some point, I shared my fears of getting lost again in the past and the compelling possibility of wholeness I imagined might come from successfully accomplishing the task.

Indeed, I believe the chat did help me focus and find my reasons for wanting to write. I also think I understand why blogging fits my style more than writing a book. Blogging let’s me come up for air and step into my present. A book would be a path I imagine having to take alone. That terrifies me. What if I go back there and get lost?

It’s funny, my past is what makes me a great counselor and coach. In listening and being present with someone who is courageously stepping into their own mess, I am quite competent and able to hold a space for them. I am able to easily stay on solid ground with whatever comes up or gets thrown my way. I can use my own journey to keep the faith that even in the blackest moments there will be a path. I trust my ability without doubt to stay present for the traveler even when the traveler doubts themselves.

Yet I am terrified of my ability to hold that same faith and solidity for myself. I have equated the hard, long road of writing a book about my life as a path to holding that space for me, and I have been unwilling to commit as fully to that task as I have to other more relational goals.

Maybe that is okay. Maybe knowing why I want to write will ignite my will, and I will go forward. For now this blog is my first pass at taking a step.

May even become a way to take the journey without being so alone.

The coach did say she wasn’t really interested in simply being an accountability coach. She believed I could find other ways to create the structure I needed and a way to stay accountable. Maybe she was right.

Uncategorized

Learning to Lead from a Horse

So what do horses know about leadership. Well, it seems quite a lot. Recently I attended a weekend workshop at a ranch in Phoenix led by Koelle Simpson and Diane Hunter. The program was called Leading from the Inside Out. I am a big believer in the idea that I have to work on me before I can possibly be effective in influencing others. I am also a believer in the idea that to effectively work on me I need feedback; direct information about how I am impacting my world. What I didn’t realize was just how much louder, clearer and honest a big horse or horses can be in providing that mirror.

The workshop was just two days. We had many interactions with the horses. Koelle had us jump right into the first experience with very little direction. We were simply asked to step into the Round House (paneled, small coral) with a horse and establish trust and leadership. I volunteered to go first primarily because there wasn’t anyone else jumping up and I thought “go for it!”. Of course I had not yet seen the horse that entered the Round House ahead of me. As I was just about to head in, I heard the sounds of a very lively, large animal bolting around the space. I must admit at that point I wanted to bolt myself. I had all sorts of stories running through my mind about this wild animal on the other side of the door. Interestingly, I wasn’t thinking much about my own level of anxiety and just how that might be contributing to the craziness in the ring.

I entered. Though will confess not alone. We had been offered the option to take one of the leaders in with us. Koelle was right there at the door when I was wavering. From a leadership perspective I had some fears that I might be showing sights of weakness but I decided for once it was okay to ask for help. Once inside the horse continued to bolt around, at times coming closer than I wanted into my space. Koelle, simply stayed close by and her calm presence slowly and without words, became a bit of a beacon for both me and the horse. That is really all I clearly remember about my first pass with one of the horses.

We had two more opportunities to enter the Round House with a horse. Each time with a bit more information about how to read the signals the horse was giving and also with some background on just how horses work. As herd animals, they are looking for a leader. In nature, that leader is a mare. (now that came as a surprise to me). It seems the mare is the one who is best tuned into the greater environment, meaning herself, the herd and everything around. She is generally pretty calm and gives subtle signals that allow the entire herd to pick up the clues without a panic. Obviously I was not coming into the Round House with anything close to that level of inner calm or providing subtle clues of my discomfort. Pretty much everything was LOUD.

However, by my third trip into the round house, I was beginning to get the message. First, get in touch with me and from there be clear about my message without big, loud gestures or effort. My last interaction with one of the horses was awesome. I found ways of leading the stallion around the ring at various speeds, turning him with ease. But the best part was when I dropped the usual activities and invited him to move with me. At one point I was skipping and he was following without any fear of my ‘bigger gestures’. Needless to say, he wasn’t skipping but he had no problem keeping up. Interesting though how in that moment it wasn’t so much about him following as it was about me simply being me.

I know I am sort of a high energy, easily distracted type of leader. I often work really hard to tone myself down or stay focused. The horses taught me the value in being me. I discovered it wasn’t my high energy that was a problem it was my high anxiety, resulting from my inner fear of being too much. If I was simply high energy the horse was fine – thus the skipping and at one point running together around the ring. I also learned that one of the greatest gifts of the mare is that she too is easily “distracted”. She is tracking everything and that gift allows her to discover problems early, chart new paths and find what seem to be hidden options. May be distraction isn’t so bad after all.

In the end I came away from the weekend wishing more leaders had a chance to learn from horses. There is such an honest, simple way in which these big, powerful animals communicate what is working and what is not. We have the same potential but so often our words become our primary message and we stop really owning all the non-verbal messages that are being broadcast louder than the words on the surface.

There was much more that happened in the two days. I highly recommend anyone who leads people and is curious about discovering more about what messages they may be broadcasting to consider taking Leading from the Inside Out with Koelle and Diane Continue reading Learning to Lead from a Horse →

Life Experiences

Hunting Season – Really??

1 Comment

I continue to struggle in terms of finding any regular time for blogging. There are so many reasons I could site for my lapse. We are very busy with work. I am traveling every week. Life in the here and now is simply too demanding for finding time to write. However, the truth is not much is sticking in my mind that seems worth sharing. In the moment life seems busy and important but when I sit down to share something with a broader audience, I am blank.

We are engaged in three quite large projects related to work. Two are with large companies that require us to say NDA’s (non-disclosure documents) meaning that even the interesting aspects of the work is best not included in my blog. The third project is interesting as well but we are just getting started and not really ready yet for prime time.

I guess I could write about the start of hunting season. Yes – in Montana that is a big deal. For me, basically it means pulling out everything orange I can find so that when I take the dogs out for a walk or run we are bright and obvious.

Hunting is one of those sports I simply don’t get. I had a cousin who was a bow hunter and I did come to believe that bow hunting is very, very different then using a rife. Plus he ate everything he killed. Somehow that made more sense to be. The skins on the floor and the heads mounted on the wall seem totally absurd to me. I have no doubt that are hunters out there that may be annoyed at my lack of understanding or support for their sport.

Hunting and car racing are sort in the same category for me. With auto racing I get the element of speed and risk. Flying around in a large metal machine has some clear challenges that might merit skills beyond the average Joe. But the fact this is such an incredible waste of fuel at a time when energy is an issue seems totally insane. Hunting – especially rife hunting – seems as crazy. Where’s the sport in aiming at an animal from so far away that the animal has no clue anything is happening and killing an opponent where the odds of your success are overwhelming. Wouldn’t it be more sporting to have to somehow face your opponent and use your own strength to kill it.

I am sure I am missing something. Still even as I sit here on my deck I hear rife rounds off in the distance. It isn’t rife hunting season yet so either someone is practicing or there is some illegal hunting going on. Personally I am rooting for deer, elk or quail.

I realize though that I live in a state that enjoys hunting season. I actually believe folks here at least attempt to make it a real sport. People actually really know how to use a gun or a bow. In general, I think most only kill what is allowed. Folks get a license and train younger kids how to stay safe while hunting.

I also have no doubt some things I believe and practice, others think are equally crazy. Still I stay a bit on my morale high ground because yoga, biking and personal growth groups don’t usually result in deaths. Still my righteousness is still just that. A way to stay separate. So all my desires for unity and oneness sort of go right out the window.

It’s hard staying open and compassionate to the choices of others. Especially during hunting season!

Life Experiences

Life Goes on

I realize it has been a long time since I last posted a blog. My last posting was in route to Portland to sit with my dear friend Jennifer and be with friends and her family. I doubt that I intended to stop writing until after Jennifer died; however, it seems that is what has happened. Jennifer died on August 28th. Still I have yet to start writing again.

The weeks since my visit have been extremely busy. I came home too opening night of The Nerd, our new local theater group’s summer production. CrisMarie was the female lead. The show ran for two long weekends. CrisMarie was awesome. We had family and friends through most of the run. I found myself totally caught up in entertaining, watching and supporting CrisMarie in her first major role.

In some ways it was odd because my heart was still heavy and I was very aware of jumping from one experience into quite a different one. Of course isn’t that how life usually goes.

Even now the show seems like a distant event. Because of the commitment CrisMarie made to fully participating in summer theater our work schedule was repositioned to take off just after the lights went down and the stage was dismantled. Plus with CrisMarie so alive and engaged I truly believe new doors and opportunities opened as a result. So now we have some very challenging and creative work engagements that are demanding and leaving very little space for dwelling or sentimentalizing about anything.

Again isn’t that the way life goes. If I want to live fully, with the brakes off, well there isn’t a lot of time for holding on to anything too long.

Life simply moves on.

Something sad happens. Something wonderful happens. I get engaged in work, in play, in whatever/whoever shows up that day. In many ways that works for me.

But today I am aware of just how busy I have been. There’s a frog that has settled in my throat and a tightness in my chest. Partially I am tired. I think also I am sad. There are many feelings that are running through. Some have been easier to let flow, others seem to get a little backed up.

I am hoping simply sharing something will bring me back to blogging and even feeling some of the lingering emotions that may be harder to let flow through. I think I stopped blogging (and likely feeling) because i thought somehow that would keep Jennifer with me longer.

Odd, the things we do to hold. I know when I have cried my connection to Jennifer has been the closest. However, with the tears has come the awareness that indeed she is gone. I can not hold on.

Life goes on.

Uncategorized

I Am of Two Minds

3 Comments

I am off to Portland with a heavy heart.  My good friend Jennifer Sass is not doing very well.  Of course, knowing Jennifer she just might be around a lot longer than is currently predicted.  Yet, I knew this visit was better to not put off.  In the past few years I have had hints, little whispers before a storm, that came and took with it a close friend, mentor or loved one.  I have generally been writing words of my loving and awe of these friends after they were gone.

This time I would like to write about Jennifer before she takes that last breath.  I doubt she’ll see, read or even hear about whatever words show up here.  My blog is often more of a path for me to open my heart and let whatever feelings and thoughts need to surface, flow.  I think the decision to visit Jennifer, because I heard the whisper, and my desire to arrive with an open heart, for whatever the next couple days have to offer, are compelling me to write now!

Jennifer, Jennifer you are such a force of nature.  You have been an important part of my life for more than twenty years.  I first met you from a distance.  You and your band of merry friends, laughing and loving life during a month long Haven program.  I was bald and just barely finding my way through my own run with cancer.  You inspired me.  Not much was funny about my life at the time, but whenever I had the chance, I would walk with you guys and laugh.  Of course, this also was a time when you stepped into my shoes in a psychodrama and later shared that you had to go burn your clothes to find a way to rid yourself of some of my nightmare that you stepped into that day.

We have walked together through many things since then.  Now, my cancer is gone and you have been fighting with your own for a few years. Some might think I have fared better, being cancer free for several years.  But anyone who has walked this painful path knows cancer isn’t about who lives beyond cancer, but how one lives with it.  You have lived well my friend!!!  It might be cancer that takes you on to your next adventure, but it will never be cancer that defeats you!!!

Just yesterday, as I was sitting in meditation after some yoga, I believe I had a moment with your spirit, a blazing bright light that simply brought a smile upon my face.  You are already out there taking in what’s next, and I imagine fully realizing that letting go of this physical body won’t take you away from the hearts of those you love but may even bring you closer.

It might take a while longer for those of us you may soon be leaving behind to fully get that you are not gone!!  So you need to let us cry, wail and gather around you.

Your love of family is something that is truly inspirational.  You and Dick are like the poster people for Haven relationships.  Sure you have had some crazy times, and I am guessing a few of us have wondered, “Why are they still together?”.  But you both have stuck with each other through hell, heaven and everything in between.  Then there’s the rest of the family.  Anyone who steps into your home knows that family and friends are what matter to you.  The walls are a walking storytelling experience: the Bements, the Sasses, The Haven family over the years.  I love being in your home.  I see and feel the loving of you wherever I go.

Plus, if it weren’t for you I may never have interviewed my parents and discovered the richness of their lives. I may never have discovered the possible stories beyond my own nightmare versions of my past. You challenged me, both in terms of family history, and in terms of other relationships that shifted or changed in my world over the years.   I sometimes moved on, yet you always reminded me to look back with different eyes and possibly meet these same people in a new way. That is a very special gift I think you have offered so many.

There are many things I haven’t spoken of in this little blog. You are my friend, and right now, I prefer to briefly hold your hand even if you don’t know I am here, than wait to talk about you once you are gone.  I hope that’s okay with you.

If you are indeed ready to go, I support you.  If you want to hang around longer, that’s okay too.  As I said,  I am of two minds – one wanting you to stay so we can chat for hours once again – the other wanting you to let go of the physical limits of this body.  Either way your light will remain bright through the hearts of all of us that love you!!!  Relax and let that loving in!!!  I love you.

with Susan Clarke