Life Experiences

Tapping Into My Muchness

I love the part of the new Alice in Wonderland when the Hatter says to Alice that she has lost her muchness. Ever since I saw the show, that has stuck with me. When I have been a touch fearful or anxious I remind myself to sink into my muchness.

Today I am off on my great 50th birthday adventure. The planning started for this many months ago when I shared with CrisMarie that’d love to go on a European bike tour for my birthday. A good friend had once recommended doing something special for the major birthdays and 50 seemed like a big one. From there the travel planning took on a life of it’s own with various recommendations and numerous chats with our friends Jim and Renee who will be traveling with us. We finally decided on Croatia’s Dalmatian Coast and Vermont Biking Tours.

Now I am sitting on the plane heading to Frankfurt watching Alice in Wonderland. How perfect! I feel a bit like Alice, off on my great adventure. Now I just want to stay in touch with my own muchness.

I would really like to enjoy and relax into this trip. The challenge is that after spending so much time planning and imagining, it is easy to have lots of expectations. I think the voyage is a great dream, imagining and scripting what I want. However, there’s also the important part of letting go of those expectations once the moment arrives, being fully present.

Now the trip is here and I want to live it fully! I want to tap into my muchness and have a blast!

Connecting, Life Experiences

Grateful And Fulfilled – Heading Home!

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I am on my way home, back in the Alaska Boardroom on the last leg of my trip.  I am thrilled to be meeting CrisMarie, Sooke and Bailey tonight and sleeping in my own bed again.  The month at The Haven has once again been rich and fulfilling.  This morning as we shared our last circle together, I had a chance to look around and reflect on my connections with each of my follow travelers, forgeting about the hard parts and the moments when I wished to be home. Instead, I felt touched and honored to have witnessed transformation.

I am soon leaving again, this time to celebrate my 50th birthday with a bike trip to Croatia. I realized today, in thinking about turning 50, that I have spent over half my life involved in programs and transformation at The Haven. I believe it was a May Come Alive that launched me on my journey many, many years ago. At that time I didn’t even think I would make it to 25, much less 50!  However, here I am turning 50, and though I will be officially celebrating in June, it seems right to have had a month at The Haven to test my aliveness, remembering what turned my life around back then and what still keeps inspiring me.

It’s really pretty simple.  People.  The power of two or more human beings opening and revealing themselves to each other—the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful moments of realness that happens over and over in the Haven session rooms. I did have a few moments in the past month when I wondered why I still keep coming. I questioned my ability to be like others had been for me: a mentor, a guide, personal and authentic. I caught myself putting up some walls and disengaging. And I called myself out, challenged myself to make a choice—to risk, to have some faith and trust the process. Much like the Grinch, my heart grew in size three or four times throughout a given day.

This time around I discovered the joy in developing a longer more intimate relationship with my co-leader. We have been doing enough together now that we have a way of working together that is smooth and connected. We can laugh, cry and clear things up. We know when the other is tightening and are willing to say something and hold each accountable to the task of staying present, curious and open.

I was touched when Carole pulled out a poem I had written after an earlier Phase and wanted to use it in our closing circle. I wrote those words to go with a closing song over a year ago and when we read it again, I was very glad she had kept it alive.

Sometimes writing is the easiest way for me to freely share my heart, writing a poem about touching a raw moment, and sometimes it’s writing a blog.

I am grateful for The Haven, for each of the many lives that have touched my own over the years, and for myself for sticking with it!

Life Experiences

Testing My Aliveness

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I am on my way to The Haven for Phase I. It is never easy for me to get ready for a month away. I intend to get things ready in advance and make sure I am not doing things at the very last minute.  However, I generally end up packing late the night before. I may have done better this time at making a list of things to get done and getting many of them checked off slightly ahead of deadline. But I was still washing and packing clothes well into the night.  At least this trip I left a day ahead to make sure I get arrive and get settle before jumping into to a very busy month of work.

I love The Phase program.  It is an awesome journey for all involved. Personally, I found The Phase program transformational when I took it many years ago. They say it takes twenty-one days to create new habits.  The Phase program is 26, which allows for habits to change and a bit of added time for discovering what some of those patterns might be.

There is a lot more to The Phase than just developing new habits.  There is a lot of the emphasis is on self-discovery and learning through interactive experiences in a group.  Some folks spend years in individual therapy, and though that, too, is focused on self-discovering; often I think the process is much slower because there isn’t the feedback and resonance that occurs in a group process.  In the Phase program there are anywhere from 15 to 40 folks all interested in some type of personal development.  People’s reasons for coming, along with their life experiences, are all vastly different which makes for a wonderful opportunity to broaden perspectives and to realize that reality is indeed relative.

Also, being together for 26 days means things are likely to get messy at some point. Putting that many people in a room day after day creates challenges, differences, boundary issues and any number of other opportunities for growth.  Of course that is part of the design.  Most of us can play nice for a few days and can often avoid our inner demons for brief periods.  But a month is a long time and at some point peoples’ surface-styles drop and deeper aspects of who we each are show up.

It happens for those who come to participate for the first time and for those of us leading the program. As leaders I think we often arrive with greater awareness of the process and hopefully the ease and grace in taking down outer defenses as well as being vulnerable and more personal with each other.  But still even as leaders there will be those moments that we could never have anticipated and will call us into the unknown.  That’s what makes it special.  The Phase isn’t a formula.  It’s alive, organic and deeply personal.

My friends at home wonder why I leave for a month at a time.  It isn’t easy.  I love my life in Montana: my partner, my dogs, my home and my friends.  But I also know each time I arrive on Gabriola for either The Phase or a Come Alive, I am stepping into a journey that will test my aliveness.  Some people travel all over the world searching for the next awesome high or adventure.  Me—I find that aliveness by being willing to be open, vulnerable and intimate with a group of people interested in self-discovery and self-responsibility in relationship to others.  For me it is the ultimate high. I have the opportunity to open my heart and broaden my world through listening and seeing the world through the eyes of others. It really is quite a unique and amazing adventure and a wonderful test of my own aliveness and willingness to live outside any self-imposed box.

Connection, Life Experiences

From Aunt Sarah’s To McDonald’s – From Biking To Triking!

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Finally, I can share more about the big project I referred to in my last post.  In putting together an iMovie for my Dad’s 90th birthday celebration, I had the great idea of soliciting my cousin, who lives across the country, into create video footage of some of my Dad’s best friends and bike riding companions. And my cousin did an amazing job.  However, that did require quite a bit more effort on my part to get all the pieces together in time. Like me, I believe my cousin is a Myers-Briggs ‘P’ and footage was arriving even past the last minute!

The party was this past weekend and the video was a success.  Actually the entire weekend was fun. I would say the best part for me was getting up early Saturday morning to join my Dad on the McDonald’s breakfast ride. Since I was five (may be younger), I remember my Dad getting us out on our bikes to ride for breakfast, though back then it was Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House. Saturday’s ride was shorter but quite wonderful. It’s awesome that my Dad still rides and has been willing to shift from his racing bike to a fancy trike, allowing him to stay riding.  I also loved getting to meet the others who were all were over seventy and equally committed to riding and building connections through biking and food.  They track the riders, the walkers, the drivers and they make all folks who make it feel welcome.

There is very little I can eat at McDonald’s but everyone else enjoyed senior meals, coffee and tea.  I think I threw most of them a curve when I ordered an Americano. I have never had so many questions asked about a drink.  The bottom line—this was a drip coffee and/or tea crowd.

My father’s life covers much more than bike riding.  I discovered a lot putting the pieces together for the video.  It was a rich journey.  Hopefully he will be able to enjoy the video beyond the party. There was a lot of footage that did not make the movie but I know both my Mom and Dad will enjoy watching. 

We had a great weekend. Between biking for breakfast, throwing a party for seventy or so friends and finally gathering as a family to play games and eat pizza, I left grateful for the Clarke clan and look forward to the century celebration in another decade! Though this time, I will be counting on a call from the President (I have been told he/she calls all centurians) instead of making another movie.

Keep on triking Dad!!!

Uncategorized

When Self-Awareness Becomes Self-Excuseness

I have a major project due for completion and I am struggling to get the job done. It’s not like I haven’t known that I suffer from procrastination issues. However, this is one of those times when awareness has not led to new behavior. This project has been looming for months and though I have attempted to pull the necessary pieces together so I could focus and get the job done, I have now waited until the last minute, blogging about this issue instead of doing the job.

So what is that about? I could tell you about my Myers-Briggs type.  On Judging/Perceiving I am a high ‘P’, meaning I like to put things off until the last minute.  Apparently I thrive on the rush of pulling the all-nighter (this might have been true in college but I am much older now and I doubt I would do well at all without sleep). I don’t like closure because I like to leave myself open to all possibilities. Still, there comes a time on a project when choices need to be made.

Even with all this awareness, I am still not moving ahead.  My Myer-Briggs also says I suffer from internal perfectionism, meaning sometimes I won’t do a job because I am too afraid of letting others down, so instead, I just say I can’t do it.  Well this might have been okay months ago when I could have said ‘no’.  But now I am need to overcome any internal concerns about failing and as Nike would say: Just Do It!

As I have mentioned before, I also have some ADHD symptoms and can be easily distracted.

I could probably dive into some other personality assessment or childhood experience that could offer an excuse for this behavior. It is amazing how sometimes self-awareness can simply become self-excuseness.

Enough!  It is time to quit making excuses and get to work.

Though it is quite nice outside—may be I should go for a bike ride!

Just kidding!

Life Experiences

Go Butler!

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Today Butler will play Michigan State in the NCAA Final Four basketball game.  Butler is a university with an enrollment of less than 4,200 students! I love it when a little school makes it to the Final Four.

I thought I had better write about Butler today because, generally, these magical rides do not make it to the Championship game.  Tomorrow Butler might be out and we won’t hear much about them again for a while. However, that does not mean Butler is a fluke.  Butler has a history that says this is no accident. They have made it to the NCAA tournament six times. That is more than many major universities.

It helps that Butler is in Indiana. Indiana is one of the smartest basketball states. Hoosiers love their basketball and know the game. Plus Butler plays in the gym where the movie Hoosiers was filmed. For those who don’t know the movie, it’s about a small high school basketball team taking on the giants and winning it all. I love that Butler has been soaking up that anything is possible energy every time they walk into the gym.

The other reason I am writing about Butler is because I’ve been reading so much about big college athletic programs. The money that goes into some of these programs is amazing. Too often the programs are not about academics at all, but about advancing the prestige of a school through star players who generally leave early to go to the NBA. I believe the last time North Carolina won a championship, four of their five starters (only one a senior) left to go pro. Something is just not right for me about that.  It’s more about going pro than being part of a team or school. So it’s fun when some little school comes along, proving that power and money doesn’t buy the championship.

Of course even if little Butler wins the NCAA tournament this year, it’s not going to stop the insane way we throw money at college programs and athletes in an attempt to win and gain recognition.  Maybe Butler will remind us that it’s not all about being big or living on the front page. Sometimes the small and unheralded, wins.

I am rooting for Butler!

Life Experiences, writing

Overcoming Trash

I have been off-line so long I can not seem to get back on track.  I have gotten a number of post started but not been satisfied with the content so sent them to trash.  I downloaded the latest upgrade to wordpress and discovered that the trash link is now highlighted and easy to use.  Not good for a blogger suffering from blogger’s block and/or some odd form of perfectionism.

I would not generally think of myself as a perfectionist.  However, I have discovered with writing and blogging I suffer from my own internal standards.  I don’t seem to have high standards related to spelling or grammer but I seem to have a content standard that even I can not articulate.  I want my blogs to be personal, cover interesting topics, get people to think about something differently than they usually  do and create connection.  My personal best blogs usually come after an experience I’ve had that touches me emotionally or after reading something that seems so paradoxical that I can help but write.

It’s not like my life has been without interesting experiences.  Yes, bronchitis wasn’t much of a topic for sharing, nor did crashing computers seem worth detailing.  However, there have been some great paradoxical headlines – like anything related to the insane healthcare reform.  Or my favorite was the Census note that gay and lesbian couples who consider themselves husband and wives can check that on the report.  Now isn’t that insane.  Many gay and lesbian couples consider themselves married but ‘husband and wife’ – that just seems wrong on many levels.  Still not enough to warrant a post.

Even now I find myself considering the trash button.  But I am going to stick with it though.  I need to get ‘back on the horse’ so to speak.  Even if this post does not live up to my internal standard for relevance I need to hit the publish button and move beyond this sticking point.

Oddly I received some of my best feedback just before taking this extended break.  Someone out there found my blog and commented on my unique voice in a sea of otherwise repetitive blog material.  Of course instead of just receiving the kind words I have put pressure on myself to live up to the standard with each new post.  Most likely the fan has moved on and will never know what post comes next.

Well I am not going to let my internal critic stop me today.  In moments I will scroll down to hit the publish button and even if that trash button is right there much bolder than publish – I will not be stopped!!

Communication, Connection, Valuing Differences

Getting To Clarity & Connection

I am spending the day in the house. I woke up this morning running a fever. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, I am not one that likes to rest and recover, I tend to overdo.  But I really want to kick this cold/flu, or whatever it is, out of my system. So I am willing to spend a day inside. I hope CrisMarie will be willing to pick up some Rice Dream for me when she heads out. I don’t have much of an appetite but Ice (Rice) Dream sounds wonderful!

I have a book to read, papers to work on, my computer and a variety of beverages sitting on my bedside table. I am working on a newsletter article about Pat Lencioni’s book, Naked Consulting. Basically the book is all about being real and authentic—and that is why I love it. I don’t want to give away the newsletter by writing too much about the book, but I think it’s a great read. Of course the title is a bit provocative. We sent a copy to an HR friend and she said this book would be an HR nightmare. There’s no doubt Pat probably was hoping for that type of reaction. 

While the title may be potentially an HR nightmare, the subject matter really isn’t an HR issue.  HR departments have simply become the enforcers of programs, guidelines, and policies, set up to overcome longstanding prejudices and ignorance about the differences between people and power. I’ve never thought that laws and policy were a very effective solution for relational dynamics. Sometimes laws give a certain amount of comfort, defining for someone the parameters of certain types of behavior that are either bad or wrong. This can confirm a person’s opinion, but it doesn’t necessarily create a significant change in attitude. People might learn to say the right words but it is unlikely to really change their views and may even create more distance.

So what is the solution? I think the best way to create a shift in attitude and behavior is by learning to understand the impact certain behaviors have on others. Instead of counting on a policy to ensure that inappropriate language is not used in the workplace, I have to speak up whenever I see it happening.  Not just when it happens to me but, even more importantly, as an accountability measure when I see someone I work with saying or doing something to someone else that I find offensive. Not to make them wrong, but to be real and authentic and in the moment is when I believe real change can happen.

When I have done this—I have been surprised by the results. Often I have either learned something very valuable about the person I was speaking to, which in turn influenced my position. Or they were curious about my reaction and we had an dialogue that I would later discover had a positive impact on them.  Of course this does not ensure change or agreement, but when it comes to relationships, that is not really the most important outcome. The most important outcome is clarity and connection by way of authentic and real conversation.

Life Experiences

A Boardroom Blog: Visiting Family

Another day in the Alaska Boardroom. I am traveling home after a day of coaching and visiting family. I must admit that one of our best investments has been this Alaska Boardroom pass. Who would have thought?  I almost enjoy getting to the airport for the required two hour wait because I can sit and get fast internet, not to mention free beverages, chips and fruit. So here I am again.

Yesterday I flew into town for some coaching and visits with clients. We had also intended to be here for a one day off-site that was postponed. With the extra time I decided to visit my folks, John and Bernie, who live about an hour from Seattle in Lacey, WA. I have been waiting for a chance to visit. My dad will soon turn 90 and even though I have no doubt he intends to live beyond that memorable number, I knew he had been dealing with a bad, unrelenting cold. I am not sure if I was worried more about him, or my mother, who often not only cares for him, but also helps with other elderly friends who are in various stages of moving on.

For many years I was quite distant from my family as I worked through some resolved childhood issues. During that time, my parents seemed to find their own creative ways of filling the gap. While I was doing tons of personal growth work, they were exploring Edgar Cayce’s, A Course in Miracles, and various other new age/energy type work.  When we finally reconnected, I discovered there were similarities between us that I otherwise would have never known. Like my mother’s interest and skills in working with energy, for instance, and my father’s desire to be known as the Cosmic Man.  Now, when we get together, I often am intrigued by their outside-the-norm lifestyle. Their current reading material is almost always interesting and includes some titles I make sure to write down. I can also count hearing some interesting stories about my mother’s Healing Touch work and my Dad’s latest athletic pursuit. At 90, he has just decided that he will shift from Ping Pong (which he’s done on a large scale in their community), to the Wii machine. I suggested he might like revisiting his tennis days without the need for an overhead serve. I can imagine on my next visit he will have created some type of round robin interactive Wii event for the Panarama folks.

I am quite amazed at the life my parents live. They are very engaged.  Next week they are heading up to Canada and will be visiting one of my favorite locations—the Wikkinnish Inn.

It is an amazing gift to me to be able to discover who my parents are as people. Not in the roles as Mom and Dad, but what makes them tick as individuals and what they choose to value and believe in. Sure, it has taken a lot of work on my part to get out of the old family patterns. Sometimes I can still get drawn in. But with this visit I just enjoyed connecting with them, listening to John convince me to read his latest book club book, The Elegance of the Hedge Hogs, and helping Bernie with a computer project.  As I worked my way through the cluttered harddrives my mother has created, which contain everything from pictures to poetry, finances to educational materials, I could tell I was indeed her daughter. My computer is just as crazy and I could hear myself saying the same things she does, “One of these days I will get this all in order”.  Sure she might, but what I liked was that she didn’t let keeping things organized and within control get in the way of compiling an awesome lifetime of experiences. Even John’s desk, which he too has been organizing, reveals the many layers of his life, kind of like a tree trunk.  Tidy but tons of rings.

I enjoyed walking through their world.  Knowing some bits and pieces of who they are as people and also confirming that, indeed, we are a family.

Well it’s about time for my flight.  So I’ll be on my way.

Life Experiences

Simple Moments Of Joy

It’s a gorgeous day here in Montana: blue skies, sunny, and the mountains snowcapped and magical. I know we need more snow and I know all of the reasons this spring-like weather might mean a very difficult summer. However, I can not help but enjoy the moment! It is days like today that make it clear why I love living here!

So the Olympic Games are over and what a wonderful ending. The hockey game was perfect—played hard right to the final second and beyond, with Canada celebrating and laughing at themselves. In the end, the own the podiumseemed to have worked; at least in terms of gold medals and specially in terms of the hockey gold!

What’s next? As I mentioned before, Montana is sunny and warm. Bailey seems to have gotten kennel cough, so I am keeping him away from other dogs. CrisMarie is under the weather as well. I have a bunch of projects that should draw my attention. But for now I am happily sitting in The Green Tea House, blogging.

There are many things I could be worried about. I realize the future can hold some scarey prospects. I am not really one to focus on the negative; I am also not one that lives by affirmations or always looking on the bright side. However, when I consider the future, and have to decide if I want to believe in, a doomsday scenario or something else, well—I pick something else.

I have no idea what will happen in 2012, or any year for that matter, other than this one. The best I can do is fully commit to this moment and make the best choices I can for myself, others, and the planet.

I feel fortunate to have learned somewhere along my path how to fully embody joy. I have these moments when I just vibrate with life. Today, the Montana magic inspires that joyful resonance in me; Sometimes it a simple moment with CrisMarie. My heart is open and I am deeply in touch with loving my life. It is really the simple things that provide the greatest joy: a song, a touch, a taste, a smell or a gorgeous day. Indeed, the senses do heighten my joy meter.

I watch folks struggle with the state of their lives: not having the job they need, the partner they want, the health they have thought would be a given or the opportunities they see others getting. It’s easy to get caught up in any one of those situations at some point in the day or week or month. I can spend many hours, days or weeks trying to change the bigger picture, totally forgetting the simple little moments.

Yet I have learned to tap into some little sensory moment that will wake me back up. It starts by taking a deep breath and becoming aware; aware of what I am doing and aware of how I am separating. Suddenly that choice is highlighted and I usually get it. Take the moment, feel the joy, and let that simple little reflection of all that is possible help me re-member; meaning becoming a member of the whole. When I touch that whole-ness, either inside me or all around me, I do, for a moment, resonate with oneness, the source—whatever you want to call that which is so much more then me.  That nano second of contact is enough juice to alter my cells.

That simple little moment is magical. Today I am very in-touch with the joy. Maybe later I’ll lose it, but for now I am soaking it in.  Tomorrow just seems okay from here and now! Maybe that is just as it should be.