In the past month my life has been busy, alive and very engaging.  Through the month I have also been doing my best to stay open and loving in my life and partnership with CrisMarie.  Because we have each been doing things separately that stir up our creativity and call on us to ride waves and risk falling, our day-today living as included fighting, laughing and clinging.

As CrisMarie stepped more fully into Nina and the show was such a big success.  I had both the thrill and threat of hearing just how sexy people thought she was on stage.  I watched as she bought her aliveness to the part, to the team and to each show.  I sat with her when she cried on closing night.  I listened as she expressed her fears that she wouldn’t get another part like that.  I held back my own fears of being left behind for another starring role or some sexy guy and that was simply the first two weeks of August.

I didn’t even mention my riding of the waves as I headed off to Columbus and took the lead with in a room of Presidents.  Or dealt with my demons while writing pieces for my book, that may take 10 more years to write.  I have already mentioned the various stages of transition I have been traveling through this summer. So no need to say more.

Indeed it has been a journey.  As the show ended and we boarded a flight to Toronto for a major week of work with one of our clients, we were both wondering if we would be able to rise to the occasion.

We did.  The week went quite well.  Though we had been working separately as we came back together there was a grace and ease that made the week enjoyable.  It’s what we love.  Being co-creative and working together from our respective strengths.

We then traveled to the other side of Canada to Gabriola to lead Couples Alive II, The Edge.  How perfect was that!!  We had been living at that Edge for months.  Though I would not have thought of it that way.  As we went through the week, working with a group of couples, we drew upon our own lives to reveal humanness, realness and aliveness that comes when relationships are about both being together and being each ourselves.

Loving is a verb, it’s active and fluid.  Loving at the edge is like surfing or riding waves.  Sometimes our life does feel like we are on a bigger boat and the ride is quite stable.  Other times I imagine us on a small racing sail boat – much faster and far less stable.  And there are those times when we are on individual paddle boards – riding the waves separately while staying close and heading in the same direction.  I can even imagine times when one of us is sitting stable on a boat while the other is surfing some big wave.  That to me, is loving on the edge.  Being willing to ride the waves – together.  It isn’t always easy.  I do get a touch jealous when my sexy partner is alive in her life and I am not on that same wave.  Still I do enjoy watching and know it isn’t about her shutting down her sexy self.  No, it is about me being willing to step out myself and trust that we can both ride the waves.  Meeting and loving at our respective edges!!  Sexy, Alive and Loving!!

Over a month ago I was invited to offer a virtual dialogue for donors of The Haven Foundation fund. This is program set up for donors and involves faculty members offering one hour dialogues around various topics. At the time this seemed like an easy enough request and since I have a huge appreciation for all of those who contribute to The Haven, I was willing. Carole Ames (my co-leader in the Phase program) and I agreed to talking on the topic; Strength, An Alternative to Powering Through.

Now 20 days into a month-long Phase program, the evening of the dialogue has arrived. The topic is much more relevant than I had imagined it would be. I find myself right in the midst of an active battle with my will. I am caught up in the demands of a long intensive program and I am wrestling with my best path. To power through and simply do what must be done or to use my will to drop into my vulnerability and feelings and connect with folks even if it means some things on my to do list will not get done.

There is value in both paths. I am committed to making sure that things get done. We do have a fairly tight schedule and at times it is important to simply use my will to power through and control my impulse to ‘give up’ or collapse into to helplessness when faced with a challenging situation. Yet there are also times when I would be best served to drop the control and role and simply be open and authentic with my feelings.

More than any previous program I find myself faced with choices in the power and strength continuum. (To learn more Go To Ideas in Action: http://www.haven.ca/resources/the-haven-models.html )Maybe it is because of the invitation to speak on the topic, maybe this is simply a more challenging Phase for me. I have always loved the model and have wrestled myself with what seems like the good side and the bad side. I place a high value on connection, vulnerability, authenticity and being personal. (the strength side – or good side) Yet I know that at times I would become quite lazy and irresponsible if I was not willing and able to use my will to take control and actively push myself out of an entitled stance or my own despair. (the power side – the bad side)

Tonight I want to speak from both sides of the continuum. I want to create a frame and provide a structure and understanding of the concepts that does demand a concentration of purpose. (the Power side) Yet I also want to show up and be vulnerable. (The Strength side) I am by no means an expert of this topic, though I am finding I am more of a master these days as I become more willing to flow and flop through my day between power and strength, control and vulnerability and my role as leader and my place as a human being.

I do believe that is really the message in model; sometimes I surrender to the day and sometimes I fight my way through. At least these days I am more conscious and aware of the difference.

Recently I graduated with my Masters in Illumination Science from Jwalan Mutika School of Illumination, JMSI. You might be wondering what is Illumination Science. Well, it is sort of just like it sounds. Illumination Science is the study or process of shedding light on areas that often get either overlooked, mis-understood or forgotten all together. This can include anything from the self to the cosmos, and indeed after seven years of working away at the Bachelors and now the Masters levels, I can honestly say I have covered significant ground in both arenas. Of course, illumination does not mean mastery. This work simply made me much more aware of all that is unknown and un-illuminated, both inside me and in our greater universe.

Still, the process of learning, has provided me amazing tools for facing a world that is indeed rich with limitless possibilities. I didn’t step into this journey with any real intention to acquire another degree. Though as the founder of JMSI presented each of us (there were only five in my class), with our degrees, I was proud of what we had accomplished over the years.

This is not a school that many people have heard of or likely will decide to attend. Why? Because the learning is not main stream. The answers are not finite and linear. The process is odd to surreal at times. Plus those who have started and left the program, all came looking to change the world and at some point along the way got frustrated with the lack of tangible, third-dimensional results. No this work is about something beyond our current mental, spacial construct. If you don’t believe in magic, alchemy and non-physical forces – well, it’s pretty hard to stay engaged. Even if you do and assume your job is to convince or ensure others come along at some point the program will disappoint you. It seems illumination comes from within and no amount of shining lights on others to get them enlightened will work. Still even for those who left along the way, the school offered many tools and opportunities to discover ways of tapping into energy and viewing the universe from a variety of different story lines and teachings. I still see many of those folks and from my view what they are currently doing in the world has indeed been illuminated by their time with the school.

Over the seven years, I had many moments myself where I did really wonder and question why I was continuing. I wanted more clear signs that this map and body of work we were pulling together really did make sense or mean something. I am still not sure how much of what we talked about or pulled together really did answer the big questions of the universe, but I did get clear signs at various points that my own inner universe was better and more illuminated. To me this means I have become better at recognizing when I am caught in my story, appreciating that there is so much I don’t ‘know’, but could access if I suspend my mind and trust my heart.

Plus I have seen signs that little things that seemingly insignificant people do can have even greater impact than they will ever know. These little seemingly small shifts may impact just one life but that one life could set up something that will change the planet. You just never know.

During my years of studying I have worked on my diet, changed the way I dressed, learned to play more, tapped into intelligence way beyond my own (meaning being able to fully understand quantum physics, spoken languages I didn’t know, created music beyond my day-to-day abilities). I have also played with a variety of religious and philosophical ideas in a way that connected and synthesized these diverse teachings into a map that I do not pretend to fully understand but can appreciate and utilize. I know now I am not alone. We are in so many ways ONE. That in and of itself is worth all the effort!

Feel free to check our JMSI. Indeed when I started it wasn’t on the web, but now there is a website. Go take a look. Maybe you’ll get intrigued. May be you will re-member. May be it won’t be for you. That’s all okay!

www.jwalan.org