Tears of Joy & Sorrow

A couple of days ago I sat looking at a wonderful wedding album of friends who had recently been legally married after thirty years of living and loving together.  As I scrolled through the online album of so many friends and so much joy, my heart was full.  Tears of joy flowed.

One of those Miracle Moments with Ernie!
One of those Miracle Moments with Ernie!

As I was enjoying that moment an email came in from another dear friend Cathy who I had been thinking a lot about.  I opened the email and the news was not good.  She let me know my intuitive nudges were sharp, her husband and another dear friend, Ernie McNally, was not doing well.  Ernie has been dealing with a brain tumor for a couple years now.  We’ve been hoping for a living type miracle and frankly, some of the moments Ernie has shared with so many of us on this journey have been just that.  Now it seems those type of miracles are shifting, and he is shifting to more non-physical than physical – a different type of miracle is underway.

I sat silently as tears rolled down my cheek.  The moment was powerful, because I was still so in touch with the joy of the living and loving of my friends’ wedding, and now the sorrow of the impending passing of a wonderful spirit moving on.

My tears were filled with joy and sorrow.

I will miss Ernie.  We had some very powerful interactions.  In some ways we are so very different, and yet under the surface, I believe, we each share a passion and intensity for life that is quite rich.  Ernie challenged me.  He was so openly big-hearted.  His way with people was like a long, warm hug.  Mine – well, not so much like that.  Sometimes I wanted to see more of the fire in his belly, AND I feel fortunate that he always was willing to go to that edge with me.  We wrestled with our differences, and I learned to trust his hug. I think he learned to trust my directness and intensity.  Neither was our natural path.

I wrestle with a desire to go and say good-bye, but I know his home is filled with so many friends and family that the my presence, though nice for me, isn’t what seems quite right.  I will connect with Ernie a different way on his current journey. I know the space between the physical and non-physical world.  As people travel, I can easily connect to those who are open to that possibility.  So today, I am sitting and enjoying some of tunes I know we both love.  I can see his spirit expanding and all that intensity is radiate.  So I don’t need to say good-bye in person.

Yes, I will miss my friend.  I will miss his mentoring when I am too reactive and need someone to meet me there and talk me off the ledge.  But I am grateful he isn’t going to have to live much longer in his physical body, that simply isn’t able or willing to carry him to the places and spaces he so loves any longer.

Ernie, fly my friend.  I know this is hardest for Cathy and indeed her loss of you is monumental. Just know – We got this!   You can go and fly free now.  Your kindness and generous spirit will not die, and we will hold and make a soft place for Cathy to land as she finds her footing without you by her side in this physical world.

Life is such a tapestry of joy and sorrow.  Filled with moments so special – like a wedding long overdue and a death that just seemed to have come a bit to soon.

The tears of joy and sorrow flow freely as I connect to my friends.