Vision

Clearing The Mist of Haven

The Haven Faculty
The Haven Faculty

I just returned from a very special week up at The Haven.  It started with a meeting of the Educational Steering Committee.  As Chairperson, I lead this team of five faculty, Elfi Shaw, Gillian Enright, Terri Wolfe, and Linda Nicholls, plus, two organizational leaders, Rachel Davey and Morag Ruckman.  It is a pretty amazing group.  Our responsibility is guiding the educational direction of The Haven.  As faculty contributors, we do the job as volunteers.  Sometimes it can be many, many hours of work.  Sometimes we have to make hard decisions and communicate those decisions directly to friends and colleagues.  Sometimes we get the joy of seeing the hard work pay off and sometimes we don’t.

This time it was perfect, I went from our full day meeting right into leading a Couples Alive with my partner CrisMarie.  This was great because I stepped right into experiencing the pay off for the hard work.  Seeing couples who often arrive in some type of crisis point in their relationship or life and slowly open to themselves and to each other – well that is amazing.  Being in the room on that last morning as couples share the impact of our journey together, I am honored and touched.  I am also awed by what The Haven has to offer.  Yet for all that awesomeness – The Haven remains a bit like the Mists of Avalon.  An amazing transformational center that isn’t that well recognized or known out in North America, it remains a mystery.

Part of my job as a leader at The Haven is to expand our reach and our presence out in the world.  I have always been grateful that I have never been asked to be a hard sales person.  Yet, maybe I have been remiss.  I don’t want to push people to Haven – I want to invite them.  However, I am thinking I may be holding back.  I honestly don’t understand why all the programs don’t fill.

Following the Couples Alive, I went straight into the Haven Faculty and Assistants weekend.  Each year the faculty is invited for a weekend gathering where we talk about new ideas and areas of our own development.  I was tired and unsure of my participation, yet I also knew I had wanted to connect.  Our faculty is probably the best kept secret of The Haven.  The diversity and the depth of the knowledge and experience in that room is unequaled in any gathering I have ever attended, and I have been among great leaders.  Maybe the best way to say it is, that not only is there wisdom, depth, there’s real and raw, or another great line, “a room of angels with assholes.”

photo 3We are not perfect.  But we are human and that might be even better.  Ben Wong, one of the founders, died this past year.  He was the rock on which the Haven was built, and he’s gone.  However, I got this weekend that his gift of being that solid, clear locator continues, now through us.  His message was always:  Come sit in a circle, be curious, be honest, locate yourself – in your body, in your heart and with an open mind – that creates magic, medicine, science, art and possibility.

It wasn’t all wonderful this weekend.  We had moments of conflict and moments of being with a dear friend as he went through a seizure and had to be taken to the hospital.  We cried together and continued with our work because we knew he would want that.

We left with a thick fog blanketing the island.  Yes – the Mists of Avalon – the hidden Haven.  Oh, how I wish I could lift the fog and show the world the magic that is so close and so possible.

No, I’m not much of a salesperson – but if you are slightly intrigued – think of this as an invitation.  Visit the website, www.haven.ca or better yet sign up for a Come Alive or if you are a couple, Couples Alive.  I invite you and hope you will come!

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Rest & Play: The Keys to Productivity

Rest & Play: The Keys to Productivity: Reprinted from 406 Woman Magazine p16  Cover-Business-Dec-2013

For the past couple weeks I have found myself searching for Hawaii vacations.  The idea of a sandy beach and warm ocean water are incredibly appealing to me right now.  Of course, the timing is lousy.  I have a series of client days alrea dy booked.  Plus it’s the holidays. So it’s one of the more expensive times of the year for travel.  How did I get to this point where a vacation seems almost a requirement?

Here’s how:

  • I have been working for 27 days straight without much more than a few hours off, really.
  • Between face-to-face hours with clients I have been trying to build a stronger social media presence, writing, reading and posting to ensure our new brand and website gets up and running.
  • I have some extended family issues that demand attention and connection.
  • My office is at home. So it is easy to work at night and often without much of a break.

I don’t think this schedule is uncommon for a small business owner.  However, I also don’t think it’s healthy or productive.

So what to do?  Hawaii really isn’t the solution.  No, what’s needed is counter intuitive.  Instead of working more, sleeping less and soldiering on, what I really need is to interrupt my work on a day-to-day basis and build in REST & PLAY.  Yes, that’s right – two words that are rarely used in business, but are essential for success: REST & PLAY.

Let’s start with REST.  A great deal of study has been done on elite athletes.  One interesting study involved tennis players and how they utilized the breaks between games.  The best results came from those who totally shut down during their breaks.  No coaching, no music, no mental replays – just stillness, quiet and resting.

Another data point involved world leaders such as Churchill and Kennedy, both of whom were known for taking ten-minute naps throughout the day.  It seems that after 90 minutes of mental concentration our abilities diminish quickly unless we take a break.  Ten minutes is really all we need. Take a nap. Take a short walk outside.  But make it a clear break.

This is not easy.  I know I often want to plow through and not take an actual break until the work is done.  It was helpful to learn that elite athletes and world leaders take naps and breaks.  Maybe I could as well.

PLAY – that comes a bit harder. However, this may even be more important.

It’s easy to think of play as something children do, but there is so much more that play has to offer.  There’s an actual National Institute of Play, who’s founder, Dr. Stuart Brown has been conducting years of research that shows the importance of play in terms of transformation, creativity, problem-solving and dealing with power differentials.

Stuart Brown’s TED Talk on play included an amazing clip involving a small husky dog and big hungry polar bear.  The husky was certain to be the polar bear’s lunch! Instead, the husky invited the bear to play.  A simple play bow invite from a small female husky to a predatory big polar bear resulted in a new storyline for the husky.  Instead of a fight to the death the animals played, which ended in cuddles.  Though the research isn’t as established for us humans, I have little doubt that a sincere invitation to play could do more to bridge differences than any other usual intervention.

 

Why? Because play lights up all parts of the brain.  We think more creativity, remember more and develop an emotional regulation that would otherwise not occur.

So what is play?  Any type of activity that is unstructured and without a defined purpose is one definition.  Play can be social. It can be imaginative. It can involve objects or movement.  The key is unstructured and without a specific purpose.

Something as simple as a 30 second dance can be play, totally lighting up the brain.  Doesn’t that sound much more productive than plowing through?

Bottom-line:  Introducing regular interruptions for short breaks and playful moments will do much more for your business than hours of concentrated effort that later result in dreams of an Hawaiian vacation.  Plus, if I am more productive, well, that vacation might become a reality not a requirement. Doesn’t that sound like much more fun?

 

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IO’s Indelible Paw Print on Our Hearts!

Bailey as we knew him, IO (pronounced E-O) who he became, left us December 16 at 4:45PM at Apline Vet Hospital.  That wasn’t suppose to happen.  He was only four years and 4 months old, and he had finally found his ‘forever home’ and totally perfect person, Rick.

Mighty Dog
Short Life – Big Reach!

The call came from Rick yesterday at 2PM that IO was very, very ill.  We jumped in our car and drove to the vet to have a few minutes with IO and with Rick. It was hard to see our super mighty, and previously healthy, dog so, so sick. He was in so much pain that he had been standing and not sleeping for at least 20 hours.

It was even harder for Rick who had just days before thought his buddy was fine. Now he’s gone. That is such a blow.  I could see the sadness in both of their eyes. IO working so hard to keep breathing and Rick wanting his buddy to pull through, as well as, wanting to do something to eliminate IO’s pain.

It is all so sad that he’s gone. Yet even such a short life did indeed leave many a paw print on so many people’s lives.  IO came to us as a rescue boxer in December 2009.  He was known as Moose at that point. We got him just after CrisMarie lost her brother to colon cancer. He filled a hole and pulled us through a hard stretch.  We named Bailey.  He was full of life and kept me company as I held a space for CrisMarie to deal with her loss. We both loved Bailey dearly and soon learned as he grew that he needed someone other than us. It wasn’t easy to consider letting him go, until we saw Bailey and Rick together. From their first visit, Bailey seemed at home, like he had found his best friend.

Rick named him IO and together they started off on many wild adventures.  Hiking, biking, rock climbing, rafting and IO was calm and settled. It was so cool to witness.

IO - Handsome Man
IO – Handsome Man

But it wasn’t just Rick.  IO had many friends: Tracy, Jodi, Cindy, Brooke – to name a few.  I love to discover the people who knew IO and their stories of how he touched their lives.

I honestly don’t know why he had such a short life. I do though believe that he had a rich, full adventure and that he was well loved and loved well.

Dogs are and have been so important in my life.  They are such wonderful teachers.  They live fully.  They are loyal.  They know how to play.  They are blindly forgiving and shake it off when life throws them rough stuff.  They will protect what matters to them. They love without hesitation!

Moose, Bailey, IO had all of these qualities.  And he offered all of those lessons to each of us who knew him.

As result his indelible paw print remains heavy on my heart today.

 

 

 

 

 

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Oh Sh*T! What Now?

I have been giving lots of thought and effort to defining what is my skill set, my niche. Basically, I keep coming back to what may be my signature strength – dealing with Oh Sh*T! What now? Oh Sh*T! What Now?

Let me start by saying, I wish there were softer more positive words that I could use. However, the truth is that’s what comes out of my mouth, or what I hear loudly in my head is. “Oh Sh*T! How did I get here and what do I do now?”

Let me take you back to one of my signature Oh Sh*t! Moments.

I was in my twenties. I was fighting cancer. I was fully engaged in being positive, fighting the good fight and doing whatever was needed to handle a fairly aggressive treatment protocol. At nine months in, I had just finished my cancer treatment scorecard of testing, and I felt confident that I was going to beat cancer and get on with my life.

So imagine my surprised when I walked into my doctor’s office and got my grade: F.

Now, of course, that is not how she delivered the news. Cancer report cards are not actually graded. But her words in some ways landed harder.

“The treatments aren’t working.”

“The Cancer is advancing.”

“We don’t have another option.”

“You probably have six months to live.”

Oh Sh*T! How did I get here, and what the hell do I do now!?!

I was stunned. I was silent.

I believe I mumbled something and left.

On my way out I saw a flyer: Life Death and Transitions with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Without really thinking too much about what I was doing, I took a copy and walked out.

That moment was a turning point in my life. Apparently, there was no Hail Mary play to call that was going to get me out of this game alive.

I looked at that flyer.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross – I had no idea who she was.
Life, Death & Transitions – these were not subject matters to which I had given much thought.

Still, I needed something. So I wrote.

“Apparently I’m dying and fairly soon. I don’t really know how to deal with that. I don’t have any money. I have no real clue who you are, but I picked up your flyer and wanted to see if there was any chance that I could come to your workshop.

Thanks for considering,
Susie”

I stuck that little note with my phone number in the mail. (Yes – well before email.)

That was my first conscious experience of what I call opting in, or facing an Oh Sh*T! moment and diving in head first.

Sure, I could have opted out. Gotten angry and blamed. Given up. Or simply walked on down that path of least resistance – doing my little life the same way until I died.

No, writing that letter was different.

My journey sped up after that.

She said, “Come.”

Kubler-Ross presented me with a challenge. She basically sat me down and said, “You and I are not really that different. Someone just told you when you were going to die. Now you are focusing on dying or not dying and that is not living!”

“Living is turning towards whatever life is presenting you and diving into it, being curious – not just fighting cancer – but living life. Face whatever there is to face, throw yourself in and swim.”

Okay, those last words are some of my own words added to her message over the years. But she launched me on a path, a path that has became my motto:

  • Choose to be living
  • Choose to be curious
  • Fearlessly, or fearfully, face whatever is in right front of you
  • Do not step away from chaos, conflict and uncertainty -step in – that mix brings magic and miracles.

So the journey didn’t end in six months. It wasn’t easy.

My doctors were not thrilled when I started talking to faith healers, alternative medicine folks and considering that maybe my tumors had stories that needed to be told.

No, my doctors thought I was crazy.

But I actually wanted them, as well as anyone else that had a potential game play, on my team.

So I faced the crazy, the questions, the chaos of doing a little bit of everything, throwing myself into that chaos and conflict while staying curious.

  • What might this cancer be saying if it could talk?
  • What might I not be saying? Feeling? Thinking? Wanting?

I’m not saying this path was, or is, always graceful. No, there were some very difficult periods. I discovered over and over just how stubborn, defended and resistant I can be.

But I kept coming back to that choice point – am I in? – Or am I out? Choose!

I learned to listen. I learned to speak up. I learned the incredible value in differences and the possibility that comes from making space for the new. Also the magic and miracles that happen when people work together on a common problem and care deeply about each other and the outcome.

Now many, many years later, I have taken that learning and applied it to challenges facing leaders everyday. My work, with my partner CrisMarie Campbell, evolves around helping leaders, teams and organizations face their “Oh Sh*T! How did we get here?” moments.

Our leaders need this today more than ever. We need this today. We are living in a huge, “Oh Sh*T! How did we get here?” moment. We need to step up our game and quit fighting and blaming.

Opt in – sure it may get ugly, but if we can stay curious and interested in all the possibilities, especially the ones far a field from our own, I do believe we might discover something totally new and magical.

Really, that’s the only viable option left if we are going to keep living – anything else is just dying. It’s time to turn towards “Oh Sh*T! What Now” and Opt In.

writing

Rumble Strips & Other Distractions!

The weather outside is gorgeous!!  Sunny, clear AND COLD.  The temperature this morning was 8 degrees, that’s Fahrenheit for any of you Canadian readers.

Rumble Strip
Yikes! Going Off the Road!

I actually love days like this.  I get a fire going in the wood stove, and sit close enough to stay warm and still be able to see the mountains out the window.  My desire is to write.  Hmm, but I find myself instead checking Facebook, reading blog post or doing just anything to avoid writing for any extended period.  What is that about? Really?

I actually caught myself investigating new tablet/PCs online just now.  For sure a rumble strip! In case you aren’t familiar with the term, “rumble strip” it’s those bumps on the road or side of the road that cause audible vibration so a driver knows when they are veering into dangerous territory – or as Martha Beck says – a metaphor for being off track in terms of getting to my north star.

Well, a new tablet/PC is beyond off track. I am bushwhacking at this point in terms of my north star.

Is it really that hard for me to stay focused on my goal?  I have logged more than enough time on my laptop(s). (Okay so the PC shopping is not a new rumble strip!)  I have the word count.  I have the stories.  I have support.  So what gives?  Why is this writing so hard for me?

This may simply be another rumble strip. Is it really worth hours of investigation to identify my fears or my action blocks and the underlying root cause?  Most likely the cause is a bad childhood or fears of failure or dyslexia – as you can tell I have already taken this path of deeper awareness – more than once!!  So forget it!  I refuse to travel down that path today.  No.  I am writing damn it – even if it is a crazy blog post about my inabilities and failure to write my book.

The best part of my writing today is getting to use “rumble strips” in a blog post.  I love that metaphor – Thanks Martha!  Now, if I could just use that audible vibration to get me back into writing my book.

Feel free to share your rumble strips and maybe more importantly how you get yourself back on track!!  I can use your comments as a distraction from my writing – awesome!

Business, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, Women

Vulnerabilty: Key to Business Success

Biz_Cover_Oct_Nov_2013

This is a reprint of an article I wrote for:  406 Woman Business P.18

Vulnerability: A Woman’s Natural Strength & Key to Business Success

“Look I’ll say it. I made a mistake. I should have picked up the phone and told you we had a serious problem, but I didn’t. Even as the problem got worse, I just kept my team focused on solving it and never reached out. Now I see how that decision set up the conflict you guys are in now.” Josey was one of the newer members of the senior leadership team and had recently moved into quality assurance. In her first six months there had been three major product quality issues.

“Can you say why you didn’t give us a head’s up?” Tom was VP of Sales and the quality issues and low inventory had resulted in his team missing their bonuses.

“Honestly, I wanted to save face. I was fearful of telling you about the problem, getting an ear full and not yet having a solution.” Again, Josey was frank and transparent.

“Well I guess it is true, we do often fire back when we hear there’s a problem. Look Josey, I appreciate your candid answer. I think we played into the problem as well because we knew there were some inventory issues and we didn’t stop selling or check in.” Tom was not one who usually acknowledged any mistakes.

This all came after a half day of team building and training on the importance of vulnerability-based leadership as a path for getting to healthy conflict, clarity and commitment. Everyone said at the end of the day how powerful the interaction had been, primarily due to Josey setting an example. Oddly though, when it came time to talk about what would be communicated out to the larger organization about the off-site, this is what happened.

“No way am I letting my team know we had any trust issues and, personally, I don’t like using the word “vulnerable” – that is just going to get people concerned.” Tom was clear that vulnerability wasn’t going to be a circulated value.

“I think our people need to know what we talked about. How else are they going to get the okay that acknowledging a mistake an important step.” Josey was the first to counter Tom’s position.

Sue, the conservative voice of the legal department agreed with Tom. “Our people don’t need to think we are having any issues,” Sue added, “Sure we want honest communication but I think our issues stay in this room only.”

It was a bit shocking to hear these same folks that had, moments ago, said how important the frank, open honest communication had been. Now they wanted to put on the armor and padding of confidentiality to make sure no one saw any weakness. Shocking … but not uncommon.

A Definition of Vulnerability
There’s a lot of talk these days about the importance vulnerability. Author Brené Brown in her book, Daring Greatly, is giving vulnerability lots of frontline press, and it is becoming a bit of a buzzword. So what does it mean to be vulnerable? Well first let’s go to the dictionary and pull the standard definition.

Vulnerability: “To expose oneself to danger, to be revealed.” Not really a great drawing card when you put it like that. Why would anyone be willing expose themselves to danger?

For a long time business has been about strategy and out-playing the competitors. That version of business encourages, holding your cards tight and looking good. There is not much room for revealing or exposing yourself to danger.

Having made a living sitting in boardrooms and executive conference rooms listening to leaders and teams define and clarify their business strategy, I have wrestled with the effectiveness of all the secrecy, importance and politics that often takes place among a group of smart, passionate people supposedly on the same team. The word – vulnerable, if talked about, will often be taken off the communication plan that cascades out to the rest of the organization, as demonstrated in the meeting above. Instead, the messaging usually implies that there was some sort of team huddle where everyone fought the good fight, and produced outcomes that are supercharged new or a refreshed vision and mission. Not much revealed or exposed to danger there.

I once heard a wonderful woman speaker at a women-owned business conference. Her opening line has always stayed with me, she said, “If eleven women were sitting in a room designing something to do, they would have never come up with football.” Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good competitive game, even football, but football is sort of the ultimate example in lacking vulnerability. Pretty much every inch of those guys is covered in protective padding, and oddly, many of the worse type of injuries still occur. There is some truth to the story that all that protection and gear can, and often does, get used to hit harder. I often wonder if there were as many head injuries in football before helmets came along. Often, too much armoring or protection simply invites more problems and attacks.

So What is Vulnerability?
What does it mean to revel oneself or expose oneself to danger? Simply put – it means acknowledging what is really going on. When Josey spoke up and acknowledged her decision to keep the problem quiet, she exposed herself and her team to potential danger. She also opened a door for more open, transparent communication. Acknowledging can be as simple as saying, we/I made a mistake, we’re sorry, we believe we are the best and want you to choose us.

A Women’s Natural Strength
I believe vulnerability-based leadership is quite natural for women. As women we are often told to toughen up if we want to be in business; don’t wear your heart on your sleeve; and please don’t bring emotions or empathy into the business equation. But really, that is what business needs – open and honest conversation between people. Not padding, not protective gear, not the ability to dodge hard hits. Empathy, or walking in someone else’s shoes can go a very, very long way towards creating new ideas and possibilities. And really, football players are some of the most emotional beings out there, it’s just all covered up in pads and helmets.

Emotions are the true potential energy of people. It’s emotions that drive us to action, not dreaming. A great dream will only become a major movement and possibility if it is embodied with emotion. That combination is vital and if you want people to come along with you, a dose of vulnerability will go a very long way in getting to the real issues.

Josey made it possible for some honest conversation and led to an acknowledgement on Tom’s part about how his team can fire back and may contribute to the problem. This was a huge step forward for the leadership team. Sadly it may not roll out yet to the broader organization without a bit more vulnerability in modeling to the rest of the organization that acknowledging mistakes can lead to healthier teams.

We learned later that Josey continued to influence her peers when another quality issue came up. This time she spoke up early and Tom was able to let the sales team in on the problem. Together they arrived at a solution that had no negative impact on the customers or the bonuses. Tom still isn’t fond of using the word vulnerability but he does communicate out the importance of exposing and acknowledging the potential issues faster as the best path for creative solutions.

What You Can Do: Use Your Feminine Strength
So step into your next team meeting or planning session and, instead of holding your cards, try revealing what you really think, feel and want. Be interested in discovering how others respond. Use what may be a more natural feminine strength. You might be in for a big surprise. Play without pads and helmets, but if you do, be sure to let the rest of your company know what really happened in the boardroom. Try a little dose of vulnerability – maybe you are exposing yourself to danger, but you may also be giving yourself the best chance to see what is really out there and respond accordingly.

Uncategorized

A Leader’s Choice

My heart aches today.Achy Heart

These past few days have challenged me.  I believe I have been true to my crystal clear objectives as a leader.  Those objectives being; to be clear, solid, compassionate and aligned with others on my team AND my heart still aches.

Maybe because I haven’t hardened to deliver a tough message, maybe because even though I believe I did the best thing it wasn’t the easiest or the kindest thing.

Sometimes leadership does mean standing in the face of people’s anger, disappointment and frustration.  Not from a point of righteousness but from a place of clarity in the face differences that comes through making  hard choices.

I wanted to reach out and rescue.  That was not an option.  I wanted to make everything all right.  That was not possible. I wanted to be a friend.  That was not my place.

Indeed leadership can be hard.  Yet as I sit with my aching heart I know leadership need not be heartless.  Today I will allow my heart to cry and let the light in through the cracks that will remain from standing forward and not simply walling off in a righteous choice.  Feeling the pain of clarity that is not certain. The pain of differences, not right/wrong, but choices.

If only it was simple and there was one sure right way or one person to blame.  If there could be a clear enemy.  Indeed that would make life and leading, oh so much easier.  Maybe pain free and heartless.

No, I am grateful for the ache.  Pain free and certain is not leadership in my view.  Leadership is standing solid in the storm and remaining open, willing to be influenced and willing to be clear.  So often these things seem at odds. Thus the ache.  My heart is not broken.  Simply cracked and that I can live with.  That is human. That is choice.  That to me is leadership.

 

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Why Haven Coaching?

Coaching.

What can I say that might get you interested in giving the Haven Coaching program a try?

The best way I know to talk about anything is to start with a personal perspective. When I left The Haven after my first Come Alive in 1984, I returned to my little apartment back in my home town, of Richmond Virgina. Thousands of miles away from the circle that had created a lifeline for me as I opened up and shared some terrifying stories, did some breathing and discovered that I wasn’t totally alone. The Come Alive had been transformative in so many ways. However, back home, I suddenly felt even more alone. I had let down some of my armor and felt quite vulnerable. Without the circle of friends, I suddenly found myself doubting my experience and wondering if that place was just some odd little magical island that wasn’t the ‘real’ world at all!

Dianne & Me
Dianne & Me

There wasn’t a Haven Coaching program back then, nor Staying Alives. But I knew I had to talk to someone. I called the registrar, who was at the time, Dianne Anderson. Some of you might have heard of Dianne. She was with The Haven before it opened on Gabriola Island. During those days she was the only registrar, she also covered housekeeping and put everyone into their rooms. She had taken all the programs, had her Diploma in Counseling. When you spoke to Dianne you got straight goods. Well, I don’t that everyone did, but I did. She was really my first experience with a ‘coach’. When I called I wanted to tell how her incredibly lousy my life was back at home. She listened briefly, and then let me know she had other work to do. I quickly asked, “What should I do?”

Dianne pointed out that while she didn’t know me really well, she had seen me as someone who was courageous and was willing to meet people and connect. I started to say something about how that wasn’t really like me.

She stopped and said, “Maybe you hadn’t been, but I saw you operate that way for a week. How did you do that?”

I said, “The breathing helped. I felt more in my body and more open.”

“So have you continued with that?” she asked.

“Well…no.” I hesitantly admitted.

“Why not?” She asked with a humph.

“I’m afraid I’ll feel too much and start crying and not be able to stop.” It did sound odd, even to me, but that’s what popped out of me.

“Really? You actually seemed a bit tight to me. I am surprised just 10 minutes of breathing gets you crying, but maybe you are more loose than I thought.”

“Are you suggesting that I breathe for just ten minutes? I could do that.”

“Look, you have to start somewhere. Try breathing, lying down knees up, breath for 10 minutes. If you scare yourself – just stop. Call again after you have done that every day for a week.”

Now you need to know that Dianne wasn’t being paid to be my coach. So it was a five minute call. She wasn’t trying to uncover something or dive into my issues, she just offered a quick practical reminder of what I could do going forward that would help me feel more open and connected to me.

Dianne became a dear friend and coach of mine over the years. When I was stumbling and really felt like my life sucked and I was a victim to it, I would call her. She always listened and would reflect back what she heard. She would give me five minutes to complain about someone and was quick to ask, “What are you wanting to have happen, and what are you doing that is getting in your way of creating that?”

I never felt like she was against me, but I also never heard her take my side. She’d said, “Okay, I get it, life sucks, and what do you want to do about it? How are you going to respond and what are you doing that might be keeping you stuck?

Years later having taking a number of coaching programs, I realize Dianne was my first non-athletic coach. She helped me integrate all of the important lessons I learned at The Haven into my life. She used the communication model with me. She told me how she interpreted things and checked it out. She was curious. And maybe most importantly, she held be as able, meaning she assumed I could and would act on my own behalf and that I had the resources to find my own answers.

That is coaching, at it’s best, in my opinion.

It isn’t easy to be a part of something so profound and transformative and then go home to your life as it was before. It helped me to have someone who provided reminders and helped me begin the process of integrating new ways of being into my day-to-day life.

So I was excited to start the Haven Coaching program. It’s like providing everyone a chance to have a Dianne. Someone who really knows the value and the possibility that the models that are fundamental to The Haven can offer to your life. Someone to remind you that breathing isn’t just a “mattress event.” (You have to have gone to The Haven to get this reference!)  Someone to let you know how or if you might be getting in your own way. Someone who believes you are able and knows that you have the resources within you, even when you might forget. That to me is what a Haven Coach provides.

Just to let you know that I have been coached by each of these fine Haven coaches, and each was unique, but all offered me a fresh way of looking at a situation in my life and finding new ways to approach it. I am thrilled with this team and hope you might consider giving coaching a try! I did.

Uncategorized

The Narrowness in My Narrative

Had the wonderful experience today of catching up with a dear friend, Ernie McNally.  It all started when I was paying bills…

Indeed that is where the story begins.  I don’t enjoy bill paying so I put on my headphones and randomly picked a playlist.  The list I picked was one shared by my friend, Ernie.  As I listened and wrote the checks, I had this odd sense of gratitude and joy.  Not my usual feeling state while doing bills (even if that is recommended).  Though I admit it is a feeling state I often imagine my friend experiences on a regular basis.  So I chuckled.  I often wish I was a lighter, easier, less intense person. Lighter and easier, I think, fits Ernie, but not less intense.  No – that intensity just comes out very differently in us.

Oh, I digress – which is the nature of a narrative.  Though not the aspect I was planning to write about!

After bill paying, I noticed an ache in my chest.  I decided to explore and turn towards the feelings.  Soon, still with my headphones on, I was crying and very aware of the current shifts and changes in my relationship to Ernie.  I was missing him and decided to write him an email as I listened again to the playlist and cried.  It was a rambling email of how I missed him and knew our lives were presenting us very different playgrounds. Though I knew he needed to be doing what he was doing, I hadn’t figured out our new world together yet. His world had been quite like mine in recent years until his health took a odd, life-threatening turn and he went with it. The committees and circles we shared suddenly weren’t the same – he was gone and of course I didn’t want to bother him. It was his health and that was way more important than my wishes that he could still be a part of planning and leading at Haven. Mostly I just wanted to thank him for the tears, laughs and memories his music had offered to me and to say I was still connected. I just was not so sure of our new narrative – our worlds seemed so different.

I hit send.  I wondered if it was a good idea.  But I had felt so close and did want to reach out.

I'm Cool! I'm Calm!
I’m Cool! I’m Calm!

He called.  We had a wonderful time talking about curiosity and what that actually might mean.  We spoke about what it’s like to live with cancer or something shaking at the roots of your foundation and offering you a moment of ‘nothing to lose’.  We spoke about intensity – each of our ways with those strong feelings that wrestle inside us and how in some ways we can be like ducks – looking cool on the surface and kicking and paddling like mad beneath the surface.

I came away from the call thinking about my stories, my narrative.  My stories about myself, about him, about others.  I like my stories.  That’s how I create and paint my world.  However, I also came away thinking about the possible narrow -ness that might came with my narratives. Like my story of his health being more important than a rambling email from me, that he’s a lighter, easier and more grateful and I am not, that I am too intense. These little story-lines that continually slip in and narrow and define my narrative – of course that is until a song or something shakes me up and the narrative takes a turn.

I love the word narrative. It so obviously offers it’s own shadow-side so we have a  chance to notice we might be narrowing our world with our story. The odd paradox of being human, we are able to imagine, to write and rewrite the narrative of our lives. The challenge is to not let the narrative become too narrow. To not imagine we have the whole story or even the best part of it right. But isn’t that what good friends are for, to listen and share stories and to damn well not let either of us get to narrow and our narrative!

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HootSuite – Really?

With our new website, www.thriveinc.com, now up and running, I find myself much more interested in exploring the vast territory of social media.  I realize most of you reading this are far more advanced than me.  I admit I have only in the past six months spent any significant time on Facebook.  Yes, I have solid number of connections in LinkedIn – but honestly have not done a g4878039reat deal to really advance those connections.  It all seems so time consuming.

My good friend and CIC (Chick-in-Charge) of her own company VivoTeam Consulting, Renee Safrata, has tried to help me.  There have been various in person visits where she’s taught me to tweet, and it was Renee, who launched my blog site and got me moving in the online world.  However, her efforts were only sustainable when we got together.  I did not follow-through, and of course, after a bit of time away from Tweeter, Facebook, LinkedIn, any of these fast advancing mediums, I would lose my skills, forget my password, and soon I was back to email!  It is amazing my blog site has survived, though I often hear now that blogging is way out of date.  Still, I love it – so I will stay with it!

However, with the new launch of www.thriveinc.com I have a new drive, intention and commitment-to-action for diving further into the online world!

I have been getting some great new excellent advice from my coach, Jessica Steward.  The first bit was to pick one medium and get good at it.  Well, that left me to my own indecisive methods and resulted in no major progress.  There are many personality labels that might explain my inability to advance based on one focused activity – ADHD from the DSM IV, high INFP in Myers Briggs, and high Quick Start in the Kolbe Index – just to name a few.  Personality assessments are a bit like social media – lots to choose from – all have possibilities for adding value and some insight into my psyche – though none can really take away my own self-responsibility for how I interact with my world – which basically  does not involve focusing on only one thing at a time.  (even if it would be good for me!!)

So my friendly expert, Jessica, mentioned HootSuite – which I just thought was too funny!  The name alone was cause for a smile and giggle. So of course, I was willing to give it a try.  The interesting thing about HootSuite is that it offers one platform for many social mediums.  All you experts are likely about to say, there are many other platforms as good, worse, more personal or business-focused out there, that do the same thing.  Please don’t let me know that.  I have decided to try ONE, and since HootSuite generates a giggle in me – well, that’s where I am starting.

Even with this level of commitment, I am still far, far behind in my marketing campaign.  However, I am taking a stand and doing my best to lean-in to this new world.  Please note, I will try not to bug the hell out of folks.  I am hoping to discover ways to utilize HootSuite to share meaningful material.  It’s so difficult to know what works.  It seems the best option is to communicate in many different ways – blogs, articles and books (old school), hashtags, tweets and endorsements (a bit newer school), plus making sure there’s some time built in there somewhere for good old face-to-face (no not Skype or Facetime) – but real-live contact with someone.

My main purpose in life is about making connections and communications between people real and authentic, and like it or not, the internet has become a space that plays an important part in making that happen.  So I’m in – HootSuite here I come!

Also please check out the new pages on this website.  There’s one on Living Alive Phase I @ The Haven and Couples Alive @The Haven. (Did you notice I added the links so you only have to click on the link to go there? I know. Very cool, huh?!)  If you have friends or family who might find these links helpful, please pass along.  Also, if you have taken a Living Alive Phase and want to share your take on the value that added to your life, please write me back or even send a video of your own making!  Same with you couples out there who may get this and want to share how the Couples Alive Series helped you.

Living in this digital age does make relating all the more challenging, interesting and important – connected means so much more!

 

 

 

 

with Susan Clarke