Category Archives: Vision

Vision

How To Build Your Mojo and Accomplish Your Dreams

14355106_1447679188581726_6618664619152362553_nI get incredibly excited when I get the opportunity to help someone shift from “I must be doing this wrong,” or “I’m broken,”  to engaged, embodied living!

It’s what I am passionate about – because PEOPLE – YOU ARE NOT BROKEN nor are you doing everything wrong! This is simply a crazy story line that you have somehow gotten stuck believing.

Sure, sometimes the outside results are not indicating the success you imagined, and maybe there are some ways to tip things in the your preferred direction.

Building Your Mojo is for you if you:

  • Keep procrastinating on something that means a lot to you
  • Go forward then stop and give up on your dreams
  • Self-sabotage your success
  • Long for the ability to bring your great ideas to fruition

Let’s be clear, with my clients it’s not about a lack of competence or some fatal flaw that stops them from moving forward and succeeding.

No, most of the time it’s got a more to do with owning and opening to your increasing velocity and using your own brand of genius (or as I call it Mojo) to get to the next level.

Let’s face it – many of us are wary and afraid of abundance, unlimited possibilities, loving and shining brightly, thinking thoughts like —

  • OMG if I shine, I may leave people behind
  • if I succeed, I will fall harder later
  • I’ll become too full of myself
  • I’ll become one of those obnoxious happy, positive people

These are all tapes I have running through my mind. I haven’t gotten rid of them. I know there are some folks that have, but not me.  I have discovered ways, however, of letting the tapes run without losing my larger connection to source, magic and my mojo!

If you struggle with your own version of “I must be doing this wrong!” Or “I’m broken” and you want to try something different – Mojo Coaching might just be for you!

So let’ s talk about what Mojo Coaching has to offer right now!

Right now I am test-driving a new 3 part online Building Your Mojo Group, and I want you to sign up to try this out with me!

What’s in it for you:
• Practical tools you can use to build your Mojo immediately!
• Feedback and support as you take Mojo action in your life!
• Fun learning and relating with me and other Mojo seekers!

This will be a one hour group meeting on October 5, 12 and 19 at 1:30 PM PST

This one will be FREE!!! What have you got to lose?

  • What I am looking for from you:
  • That you can identify an area in your life where you are stalling and know you want to explore how to take action.
  • That you are game for test-driving a new online group process on Zoom. You will need computer access and a willingness to ride the waves of a new medium.
  • A willingness to practice some new tools, meaning homework!
  • You are open and willing to share your experience with others as a way of learning and supporting each other.
  • Plus, you’ll give me straight feedback about what works and what doesn’t for you as we go!

If this is you, email me right now at [email protected]. Tell me why you want to try Build Your Mojo. I would love to work with you!  I will let you know if there are open spots.
Let’s do this!

One of My Favorite — Mojo Magic Stories:

My body is a problem

Sally’s initial reason for stepping into Mojo Coaching was around her slower than desired launch of her new service line in her coaching business. I know you are probably wondering what her launch success has to do with her body being a problem.

Well that’s the cool thing about Mojo Coaching. Finding your Mojo to move to a new, uncharted possibility, rarely comes from where you think it will. Most often it comes from tapping into unknown, or exiled parts of yourself, and bringing new breath and life to what has been shutdown or unconsidered.

In looking at her focus area, the launch, it was clear that she had everything in place, yet she was stalling. She had a strong belief that the slow movement was due to her incompetence in one of the business target areas. However, I am a strong believer that often it is important too not get too focused on just the surface but go deeper and broader.

So I asked Sally, “When you think about the launch what do you notice in your body?” Sally shot back quickly, “My body isn’t a resource. It’s a problem.”

She and I both noticed the amount of energy she had in that statement. Sally was curious about the belief and also about how that might actually be related to the launch success.

The big shift came during a ten-minute session. On a call she had scheduled, right when she was packing and heading out on an important trip. Being the responsible person she was, she had given some thought to canceling but did not want to inconvenience me.

About five minutes into the call, I asked, “Would it be better to cancel?”

“Well, I thought about that yesterday…and decided “No, I can not do that.”

I commented, “Instead of thinking about it – how about feeling about it right now.”

She laughed, “Of course, I did not do the breath, feel and check in with my body.” She did and decided to finish the session right then.

Later she shared how powerful that one shift had been. Not thinking, but breathing and using her body as a resource, was not only useful to make the best decision regarding our session, but as result, she was more regularly stopping the habitual – think it through – and instead started taking a breath and listening to her body.

It didn’t have to be a big deal and she was amazed at the quick and valuable input offered!!! She had more energy and vitality as a result!

Life Experiences, Vision

The Secrets About Boundaries and Me

I consider myself someone who is quite good at speaking up for myself in general.  As a result, I have spent years working with clients, supporting and encouraging them to find their own voice and risk speaking up even if it may create conflict in their most important relationships.

Truth is, surfacing conflict really did save my life.  So I have been passionate about it.  It’s not that I love conflict.  I don’t.  However, a lack of conflict and overly nice and calm is way more of a safety issue for me than loud and messy.

Why?

The easy answer is simple.  Not speaking up can and does lead to health issues.

Stay silent long enough and your body talks, in the form of headaches, backaches, joint pain, and even cancer.  If you want references check out Dr. Gabor Mate’s book, When the Body Says No.

My personal experience is that my cancer began to resolve when I found my voice and spoke up.  I believe staying silent creates ‘dis-ease’ in you, negatively impacting your health.

But please don’t misunderstand me, I am not saying if your are ill you must not be saying something.  It is not that simple!  However, speaking up and speaking your truth does help your sense of well-being and life energy.

But there’s more to it.

I’ve been in relationship now for over 16 years with a classic Conflict Avoider, CrisMarie. Yes, she has good reasons for having developed a super power in navigating and defusing conflict.  In many ways, it has served her well.  However, there has been a tremendous cost to her.  You can hear her story in our TED Talk, Conflict Use It, Don’t Defuse It.   It’s also been hard for me and our relationship.

See I do not pick up on her subtle cues. I am also the first to own up to being blunt, persistent and persuasive about my ideas.

As a result, I have gotten upset when I learned later that CrisMarie was quite uncomfortable with my strong debate style, but didn’t say anything at the time.

I am sad when I realize she was asking me questions and working to meet my needs without ever bringing up what she wanted.

I feel blindsided and betrayed  when she has addressed her unhappiness and even once thought she might want to end our relationship because she wasn’t sure there was room for her.

Wow!

That particular situation was a horrible moment for me.  In my past, I would have quickly tried to change and  stopped speaking up.  Although, having done that before and knowing it did not work,  I chose I different path.

I stayed with me and my style, and I also encouraged her to do whatever it took to find her voice even if it might meant leaving me.

So far, that has not happened.  She’s been working on her own track for a while now and yes, it has impacted our relationship.  She is speaking up. We fight more or at least differently.

Things get tense we sometimes separate and each take space to settle ourselves.  When we’re with others she doesn’t often come to my defense when I get into my own reactive style. No, instead, she usually tells me what she really thinks.  Sometimes that stings.  Yet, I know I am getting straight feedback from her these days, and I like that – even when I hurt myself with it.

As a result, I have also discovered my own issues with boundaries.  For me, it’s not so much saying something I don’t like or think differently about. No. It’s often more about saying, “Ouch! That hurts.”

I tend to have a protective layer that can be more like a wall than a boundary.  I have a fight style that served me well in my past and now can be hard to dissolve.  So people may not know that they are having quite a significant impact on me, and my angry face or silence is a mask.  Underneath, I may be swimming in uncertainty or worse hurting myself with something they’ve said.

When I am at my best I drop the wall and stand forward in my vulnerability.  However, that’s at my best, and I am far from perfect.  I do still wrestle with my walls when I interpret an attack. It is often worse when I am blindsided by a situation where I thought someone was standing beside me, and later learned they were just too afraid to speak and tell me they didn’t like what, or how, I said something.

That moment.

When someone finally finds their voice after long time, and I didn’t know they were being silent to avoid conflict with me.

That moment.

When that truth surfaces, is the most painful for me and yet, the most valuable. It’s the reason I believe surfacing conflict, speaking your truth in real time and hanging in through the messy is so worth it.

I also know I have my own work to do.  Because when I don’t say, “Ouch!” or own up my wobbly vulnerability,  I am really just as dishonest and in avoidance for being real in that moment.

Walls are not boundaries.

Boundaries are not about defense but about self-definition.

Boundaries are for defining me and showing up – not about changing you.

When, and if, me and you ever learn that lesson – well may be then we can live in a more self-responsible relational world!

Do you recognize yourself in any of the above?

CrisMarie and I started Be BRAVE, a six week virtual program, because we believe that speaking up, learning to self-define and stay in your own shoes is critical for aliveness, health, success in business and in any significant relationship or partnership.

If you want to learn more join us for our FREE Training, September 14, How To Set Boundaries that Stick!

Also, we are so excited because we have added a 3-Day In Person Retreat for Be BRAVE!! It is right here in in our charming town of Whitefish Montana.

I’ll be working with you on boundaries using a horse in an arena! You’ll meet a real life cowgirl, horse whisperer, there will be a photo shoot with you and the horses, and mind-body work to help you settle your nervous system in the midst of conflict!

Plus you’ll be eating organic and gourmet food, staying in luxurious accommodations!

You just get yourself to Whitefish and we take care of the rest! Sign up now there are only 6 spots left!!

Check out our three options for Be BRAVE if you are ready to find your voice and speak up!

 

 

Vision

Why I Work With Horses

IMG_0198I was listening to a webinar by the awesome Susan Hyatt, on getting people to say yes.

I suck at promoting myself.  Yes, I can promote The Haven, CrisMarie, Be BRAVE, thrive! – but when it comes to my work – well I just – don’t!  Okay may be that is a bit to universal.  I don’t think I do it well.

Here’s the deal.  I do enjoy working with people and introducing them to Mojo Coaching with the horses.  I have put it out a little online and with a local card rack offering.  I’ve had some great sessions, but I would not say I am gaining the traction I want.

So as I listened to Susan, I came to the conclusion that I have not yet really landed on my message and passion for doing this work.

I know I love it.

I know my heart opens when I am working with the horses.

But I am not yet communicating why you might really want to work with the horses!

So I decided to work on my message through just doing something else I love writing.

Why do I love Equus coaching and why might I be just the perfect person for you to come and give it a go?

What you need to know about me is that I have many layers of protection.  I have some great reasons for all that protection.  I have done 10,000 hours of working on my reactivity and learning how to clean up the messes I make, and I am still a work in progress.

However, when I started working with the horses, something new and profound happened.  I discovered just how quickly I could drop those protective walls and relax.  I can’t totally explain why, but when I step into an arena with a horse or horses.  I settle.

I don’t have to explain my face, my intensity, my reasons for being nervous or fidgety.  All I have to do is be me, fully and freely.  I get that a horse isn’t asking for anything more.IMG_0196

There’s an acceptance – as though that horse knows the inside of me not all the packaging or protecting I may attempt to do on the outside to keep myself safe.

I am invited to feel when I am scared, when I am angry, sad or upset.  The horses have the capacity to handle all of my energy as long as I am not pretending to be something I am not.

That acceptance has been profound for me.  Horses seem to genuinely want the company of someone who is fully themselves. They love it and they live it themselves.

I actually think that is one quality I share with horses. I can and love holding a space for people to bring all of themselves.  I don’t shy away from BIG feelings – be they happy glad, sad or mad.  I also haven’t yet heard a story I couldn’t hold when someone is sharing their truth.  But unlike a horse I am not without my flaws.  Sometimes my face isn’t easy to understand, or I do feel deeply and with intensity.  But like a horse, I relax when someone drops the walls and stands forward – scars and all.

I think that is what my Equus coaching practice offers.  A moment and a space where you really have a felt sense of being received and accepted for all of who you are. You really don’t have to do or be anything more.  Having that experience is life changing because being able to accept yourself and be yourself is what creates happiness and fulfillment. I don’t know about you, but I could always use more self-acceptance!

 

 

 

Life Experiences, Vision

Welcoming Rosie!

Little Rosie!
Little Rosie!

2015 started with us making a long trek to pick up our new family member, Rosie!!

We had been looking for our new dog by visiting the local shelters often. I had hoped to find a great match for us there, but it wasn’t happening.

The dogs that seemed to be good fit were quickly taken, and it wasn’t easy going into the shelters and seeing some of the same dogs there time after time. Part of me longed to bring one of those dogs home, but I know I am not the right match for a dog that is too anxious, or aggressive, or needs extra help adjusting.

So we decided to try a different strategy for finding our doggie.  Instead of actively looking, we sat down and started discussing what we loved about Sooke and our other dogs.  What worked, and what didn’t, for us.  We created  some critical qualities for both of us.

  1. calm
  2. confident
  3. affectionate
  4. smart
  5. good with people and other dogs
  6. not too hyper or in need of constant exercise

We then called on Sooke, whose spirit we know is still right here with us, to help guide us to our next dog.

Well, let’s just say,  the results of this more energetic effort, were FAST!!

That same day, not two hours later, our good friend, Susa Holt, sent us an email and shared about her brand new Sheeperdoodle puppy AND that there was one more female in the litter needing a home. BTW, Susa mentioned that she was headed back to the breeder’s that very same afternoon, and could put in a good word for us and check out the available puppy.

We had never heard of a Sheeperdoodle, but had been interested in the “doodle” doggies previously.  We did some quick research and soon discovered the qualities were amazingly in line with our list.

  • smart
  • friendly
  • people oriented
  • playful but also calm

Without too much more thought, we called. Two days after putting our vision out into the universe, we received a beautiful, playful puppy, Rosie! (We forgot the part about asking for her to be close by. It took us two days to get her home and a total of 25 hours of driving over a three day trip. Whew!)

Aside from the long trip, this has been a significant reminder of the magic in practicing visioning, and aligning, to manifest what will come next – be it a puppy, a house (we’ve done that couple times now) or new business.

It’s all very exciting. I am aware that I want to avoid become a totally neurotic puppy parent.  There are some early signs that I will have to work hard to not let Rosie become a spoiled little one.  I want to stay on the path towards training, and establishing some solid boundaries and clear guidelines.

As I write, Rosie is sleeping in her gated play area.  There are probably too many toys inside, but she’s learning to settle in her own space, and we are learning to let her whine.

Unless you are a dog person like me, you may not be as interested in this post.  However, I am hoping that the real take away is to remember that if things are not happening quite the way you like, stop trying so hard to make them happen. Instead, pause, and spend some time getting really clear about what you want, the qualities, the way you want to feel, and for a few moments stop worrying about how it will happen.

Amazingly things start to happen when I stop thinking that I have to make it happen. Thanks for Rosie, Universe!

I am sure I will need to be reminded of these steps when I start forcing Rosie to comply to my will. I imagine CrisMarie will be all too willing to encourage me to – stop trying so hard, pause and get clear, let go of the how and wait. I imagine Rosie will get more from that tactic than she will through my forced compliance!

Watch this is a short video clip – listen carefully to me in the background – demanding accomplishments from a 10 week old pup. Not my proudest parenting moment!

IMG_0072

It’s time for some more house training! Got to go take Rosie outside!! Wish me luck!

 

Vision

Clearing The Mist of Haven

The Haven Faculty
The Haven Faculty

I just returned from a very special week up at The Haven.  It started with a meeting of the Educational Steering Committee.  As Chairperson, I lead this team of five faculty, Elfi Shaw, Gillian Enright, Terri Wolfe, and Linda Nicholls, plus, two organizational leaders, Rachel Davey and Morag Ruckman.  It is a pretty amazing group.  Our responsibility is guiding the educational direction of The Haven.  As faculty contributors, we do the job as volunteers.  Sometimes it can be many, many hours of work.  Sometimes we have to make hard decisions and communicate those decisions directly to friends and colleagues.  Sometimes we get the joy of seeing the hard work pay off and sometimes we don’t.

This time it was perfect, I went from our full day meeting right into leading a Couples Alive with my partner CrisMarie.  This was great because I stepped right into experiencing the pay off for the hard work.  Seeing couples who often arrive in some type of crisis point in their relationship or life and slowly open to themselves and to each other – well that is amazing.  Being in the room on that last morning as couples share the impact of our journey together, I am honored and touched.  I am also awed by what The Haven has to offer.  Yet for all that awesomeness – The Haven remains a bit like the Mists of Avalon.  An amazing transformational center that isn’t that well recognized or known out in North America, it remains a mystery.

Part of my job as a leader at The Haven is to expand our reach and our presence out in the world.  I have always been grateful that I have never been asked to be a hard sales person.  Yet, maybe I have been remiss.  I don’t want to push people to Haven – I want to invite them.  However, I am thinking I may be holding back.  I honestly don’t understand why all the programs don’t fill.

Following the Couples Alive, I went straight into the Haven Faculty and Assistants weekend.  Each year the faculty is invited for a weekend gathering where we talk about new ideas and areas of our own development.  I was tired and unsure of my participation, yet I also knew I had wanted to connect.  Our faculty is probably the best kept secret of The Haven.  The diversity and the depth of the knowledge and experience in that room is unequaled in any gathering I have ever attended, and I have been among great leaders.  Maybe the best way to say it is, that not only is there wisdom, depth, there’s real and raw, or another great line, “a room of angels with assholes.”

photo 3We are not perfect.  But we are human and that might be even better.  Ben Wong, one of the founders, died this past year.  He was the rock on which the Haven was built, and he’s gone.  However, I got this weekend that his gift of being that solid, clear locator continues, now through us.  His message was always:  Come sit in a circle, be curious, be honest, locate yourself – in your body, in your heart and with an open mind – that creates magic, medicine, science, art and possibility.

It wasn’t all wonderful this weekend.  We had moments of conflict and moments of being with a dear friend as he went through a seizure and had to be taken to the hospital.  We cried together and continued with our work because we knew he would want that.

We left with a thick fog blanketing the island.  Yes – the Mists of Avalon – the hidden Haven.  Oh, how I wish I could lift the fog and show the world the magic that is so close and so possible.

No, I’m not much of a salesperson – but if you are slightly intrigued – think of this as an invitation.  Visit the website, www.haven.ca or better yet sign up for a Come Alive or if you are a couple, Couples Alive.  I invite you and hope you will come!

Vision

“Marco!” “Polo!”

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As a Martha Beck coach-in-training I have been reading and working through her tips for Finding My North Star.  It sounds like an awesome idea, figuring my true purpose and setting my direction to arrive at that defined point in this lifetime – cool!

However, I have yet to really get the north star concept.  Instead my life is a bit more like the game Marco, Polo.  In case you never played this game it usually takes place in a pool or lake.  One person must close their eyes (or be blindfolded).  They call out “Marco” and all other players must respond, “Polo”.  The unsighted person calling out Marco must find the sighted Polo people.  Usually the Blindfolded person is diving in various directions with limited success as the sighted ‘Polo’ folks quickly move about to avoid getting caught.

As to how this applies to my own life, well I seem to have quite wild swings in my directional course.  One might think I am simply like the Marco blindfolded person, calling out and waiting for the next marker to call back, Polo.  Once I get a signal, off I go chasing to find the source.  Truthfully it is not a bad way to live.  I am  very present focused.  However, my north star seems more like the vast milky way, not a single star calling out and laying out a clear path.  I go every which way.  May be there is some course being mapped by a much higher source than myself. But just like it was playing the game long ago, I often feel like my life is more test of blind faith with random movements, than a path laid out by a clear guiding star.

Last month I had a fairly good idea of the months ahead.  I was planning on being at home, focusing on redefining our business and doing some solid ground work on our book.  But there was a very loud, Polo, so instead I am off to Canada again.  This time with CrisMarie for A Living Alive Phase program.  The exciting part is that we will be leading together.  The difficulty is that our plans to fully articulate the new ‘thrive! will likely go a bit background as we focus on the day-to-day demands of our group of follow travelers.

May be there is a path. It does seem as though we are getting a clear message that instead of simply focusing on corporate work we need to make plans to engage in working with couples and individuals in a personal mode as well. Again I am simply going on faith, listening for the universal equivalent of “polo” and calling out when I am feeling lost.

“Marco”

“Polo”

Off I go.

Business, Valuing Differences, Vision

Steve & Me

I have found myself reading various articles about Steve Jobs since his death. Right now I am working my way through a biography written by Walter Isaacson. Why am I so interested? Because Steve Jobs seemed to be someone who was the best and the worst of humanity, a visionary and a jerk, rich and minimalistic, extremely emotional (breaking into tears) and cold. The book is long but interesting. I appreciate Isaacson’s effort to give a realistic, honest history of Steve Jobs – not perfect, not nasty – just a recipe of the many sides of this man who few can argue had a significant impact on our culture.

I have admired Steve Jobs because, well, I love my ipad and iphone. I appreciate Apple ads and like what seems to be the simple, yet artistic nature of all that Apple offers. I get now that it isn’t all the doing of Steve Jobs. Honestly, it seems as though the best of the engineering and anesthetic nature of Apple products was the result of others like Steve Woznick and Jonathan Ive. Still it is very clear without Jobs, Apple would not be the Apple it is today.

I have friends and colleagues who hate the guy because of his narcissistic style and mean, tyrant-like leadership. I guess I would argue that at least with Steve Jobs you knew where you stood. He may have had two faces (or more) but it seems as a leader everyone saw all of the options – the good, bad and ugly. I don’t think that is the norm. Most of us try to hide the ugly. Even though it might be less attractive, I admire the straightness and integrity of someone who is simply out there.

I have my own issues around the narcissism. I struggle with relationships where I judge someone to be so involved with themselves that others don’t exist. However, I am also very aware of my own narcissistic tendencies. I can indeed assume at times the world revolves around me.

I am also aware that a healthy does of narcissism makes for a great story-teller and leader. Of course, I want the positive qualities and would prefer to disconnect from the less attractive aspects.

Well, that is not so easy. I guess that is what I am appreciating about exploring Steve Jobs. As a public figure, he remained quite private. As a leader he was quite self-absorbed. As a creative wizard, he left behind friends. He was so human. May be that is what is so appealing to me. Here is a man he was for some was a hero, for some a jerk but willingly left us with a story that reveals the man behind the hero. It may not be pretty, or nice – but it does seem real.

I have a lot of Steve Jobs in me, minus the billions, the public persona and the great products. I am creative and a jerk. I can be loyal and mean. I cry and at times I appear uncaring and cool. I am human. I hope I can be as okay with myself as Steve Jobs seemed to be. He asked that his biography reflect only what was shared – that whatever his friends, his enemies and his family had to say, not be censured. That, I believe, is courageous and real. As a result some of my admiration has been wiped away. I see more of the man less of the hero. Yet in the end I like that. I myself prefer being human to being a hero. I believe it is a much harder path to follow and definitely a road worth traveling.

Connecting, Vision, writing

Why Write a Book?

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When I look back on the many lists I have made about things I want to do with my life, one thing has been a constant. I have wanted to write a book. What’s equally interesting about this constant is that I have really done very little to make that happen. Yes, I have taken writing classes, written tons of short pieces and started this blog. But nothing as committed to completing the goal as I have been to other things that would show up on my list, like a bike tour in Europe or moving to Montana, getting my Diploma in Counseling at The Haven or starting our own company, Thrive!. These I put on the list, saw them and did them. Some taking more discipline than others.

So I decided to hire a coach. CrisMarie had the name of someone who was known for coaching writers so I decided to set up a chat. Honestly, I had no idea what to expect but what I thought would be an easy call turned into something else entirely.

It isn’t that this writing coach said anything too harsh. She simply wanted to know why I wanted to write a book, and as I rattled off the many things that seemed like good reasons, she kept pointing out that my responses seemed to have more to do with what others wanted than what I wanted.

At one point on the call I started down the path of sharing that I wanted to write my story. The journey I had been on through cancer and through dealing with my history which was filled with stories that never could be confirmed as fiction or non-fiction. She was relentless in trying to re-focusing me on the question of “why write a book?” and “who is audience?”. I found myself and tears and quite fragmented by the end of the call.

So I wonder what is it about writing a book that remains untouched on my list of lifetime goals and causes such fragmentation with simple questions like why do you want to write? and who are you writing for?.

As I told the coach, there is some part of me that simply wants to say “I did it. I started and I finished.” I have a history of believing I am not very good at that. I tried making that I worthwhile reason for why on the call by sharing my childhood experience of having an unfinished box of craft projects that haunted me. The coach didn’t fall for that. She pointed out that that still wasn’t about my reason now for writing and would not likely carry me through the mess and hard work of completing a book.

She wanted to know why, if I enjoyed blogging, didn’t I do more and make that a path for my writing. I had shared that I loved blogging but was not as disciplined as I wanted to me. Again, I tried using the ADD, distraction excuse, but I was not going to get off that easy. So instead, I dug deeper and that is how I found myself talking about my history. Dealing with cancer and my memories from my childhood. The story came out quite scrambled in my opinion. At some point, I shared my fears of getting lost again in the past and the compelling possibility of wholeness I imagined might come from successfully accomplishing the task.

Indeed, I believe the chat did help me focus and find my reasons for wanting to write. I also think I understand why blogging fits my style more than writing a book. Blogging let’s me come up for air and step into my present. A book would be a path I imagine having to take alone. That terrifies me. What if I go back there and get lost?

It’s funny, my past is what makes me a great counselor and coach. In listening and being present with someone who is courageously stepping into their own mess, I am quite competent and able to hold a space for them. I am able to easily stay on solid ground with whatever comes up or gets thrown my way. I can use my own journey to keep the faith that even in the blackest moments there will be a path. I trust my ability without doubt to stay present for the traveler even when the traveler doubts themselves.

Yet I am terrified of my ability to hold that same faith and solidity for myself. I have equated the hard, long road of writing a book about my life as a path to holding that space for me, and I have been unwilling to commit as fully to that task as I have to other more relational goals.

Maybe that is okay. Maybe knowing why I want to write will ignite my will, and I will go forward. For now this blog is my first pass at taking a step.

May even become a way to take the journey without being so alone.

The coach did say she wasn’t really interested in simply being an accountability coach. She believed I could find other ways to create the structure I needed and a way to stay accountable. Maybe she was right.

Connecting, Vision

Relationship Math: 1 x 1=1

I live in a community where there is lots of talk about oneness and unity.  Often, I feel at odds listening to the discussions because there has been a quality to the conversation that I interpret as a transcending of the human experience to a higher order, which I don’t agree with.  However, when some Haven friends presented me with the Relationship Equation: 1 x 1=1, I had an “ah ha” moment!

Let’s just review some basic math: 1 x 1=1, and 0.5 x 1=0.5, and 0.5 x 0.5=0.25.  By applying this equation to any relationship, you can see that if I show up in a relationship as only half of myself, then the outcome, even if the other person fully shows up, is still only 0.5.  Not oneness!  Worse still, if we both show up only half way then the return is a mere 0.25.  This means that if I want to get to oneness, I must bring all of me to the equation: the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful! There is no transcending, cutting out parts, bypassing the ugly ego, or really any part of myself.  This totally changed my view on oneness.  I am all for it now.

From a relationship context, this makes complete sense.  Sure, I wish only the best of me showed up day-to-day in my interactions with CrisMarie.  However, when you live and breath, travel and work side-by-side all of the time, that is just not real.  We have amazing moments of closeness, and we have horrible clashes.  We also have lots of boring day-to-day experiences.  This is life. It’s easy to disengage or try to hide parts of myself that show up at the wrong moment.  However, if I go back to the math, I understand that when I take a part of me out of the equation, I miss the opportunity to experience oneness.

I listen to people trying to shed parts of themselves.  I am sure we have all tried to stop crying or wish we could rid ourselves of rage, pain, sorrow, or hate.  It doesn’t work.  Somehow, if we want to be one or whole, we have to feel everything deeply, and then and only then, do we get to know fully who we are and maybe get better at choosing how we show up.

This same equation applies to teams, groups, families, even countries.  1 x 1 x 1 x 1 x 1=1.  There is no other way to get to oneness.  My imagining that I could do more, say like 1.5, does not help anyone else I am in a relationship with get to oneness.  1.5 x 0.5=0.75.   Wow!  The math makes it clear. Each of us can only work on showing up fully ourselves.  That is the only way to ONE!

If oneness is our destiny, as some have said, then it means our path on this planet is to embrace everything, the good the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. Then, and only then, do we have a chance to experience wholeness, unity or oneness together.

So what do we do about the pain, the suffering, the meanness and the cruelty that exists in the world, and within ourselves?  First, we don’t deny it;  We embrace it;  We own it; We show up fully and invite all of the those standing there with us to show up fully as well.  In that moment of intimacy, we may indeed kill each other, however, we may also see God. Does that possibility scare me?  Sure.  I know I have yet to show up fully moment to moment for very long.  But if I do the math – it is the best option.

Uncategorized, Vision

All This Joy, All This Sorrow

The weather outside is delightful—snowy, cold and windy!  Perfect for sitting by a fire and reflecting on 2010!  I have been writing this blog in my mind for days.  Yet have found it very hard to sit down long enough to put fingers to keyboard and get something on the screen.

As I look back over the year there are so many moments of wonder and joy! Though in many ways 2010 started with sorrow. Last year the holiday was heavy, having just returned from being together with the Campbells and saying goodbye to Tom Campbell, CrisMarie’s brother.  As a result, Christmas was sort thrown together.  We went through the motions but without the inspiration that often comes with the season.

Still, life did move on.  We added boxer Bailey to our family and of course that bought a surge of new life and energy to the mix!  Bailey has definitely been a highlight.  However, there have been those moments when we have both wondered what we were thinking after our third run or walk of the day or when he is not quite ready to settle down and heads across the room with some precious object of ours, knowing we will be after him.  It has taken Sooke a bit longer to discover the joy of having another dog around the house but they have finally become friends.

I turned 50 this year.  For some this might be considered a sorrow; however, I am loving this transition.  It helped that I had an amazing ‘celebrating life’ biking experience in Croatia to mark the date.  We went with our friends Renee and Jim and a great group of folks through Vermont Bike Tours and the trip was awesome.  As I settled into my fifties, I realized it was time to discover what color my hair really was. I have been coloring my hair for so long and with such variety, that I wasn’t quite sure what it would be like.  Of course gray was expected; however, the surprise was how much I liked the short silver results.  (I personally think of it as silver, but I’m not kidding myself—anyone else would say gray!)

I lost a few friends during the year.  By far the hardest was getting the news that Dianne Anderson had left us.  In many ways I knew it was coming and this was moment of great sorrow (I will miss her laugh and our visits whenever I am at The Haven) and great joy. Dianne’s life in her body had been very hard for a while and I do believe I felt her joy as she let go of that heavy weight! Kumi was another shining star for me who died later in the year.  She was not as close a friend, but an amazing soul who had graced my life with some special moments.

The year has had many milestones: my Dad turned 90, we moved our business to Montana and marked it with the purchase of land and a new Subaru, and we had some great work experiences and became even more engaged with the Table Group.  Of course there were some great Haven highlights of joy and sorrow in sharing people’s journey through The Phase and Come Alive programs.   Here in Montana,  I discovered how great it is to hike in Glacier National Park, and I covered many miles on my bike before and after the Croatia trip.

I became Chairman of the Board for the school I am a part of here in Whitefish.  As a result, I discovered the challenges and responsibilities as we produced our first cookbook, took on the financial oversight of The Green Tea House, and worked with the staff and faculty as they wrestled through a year of transition with changes in leadership and direction.

This holiday season was kicked off in style as we headed to New York again with Jim and Renee.  Jim’s bucket list included being in New York for the holidays and taking in lots of shows, good company and great food.  It was a blast!

Indeed this has been an amazing year!  Maybe the best part has been seeing CrisMarie move through her grief and enjoy engaging in this holiday season.  She seemed to really thrive in finding the perfect gifts for giving family and friends.  That is what this time of year is all about.  The spirit of Christmas isn’t so much about religion as it is about magic and giving; being open to feel and experience all the joy, all the sorrow and all the promise of possibility that being human offers each of us.

May each of you have fun reflecting on your year and stepping into the new possibilities that 2011 brings your way.