Soon I willing be heading off to Ocean Shores, WA., where my sister, Penny has a place.  She has plotted and created a family reunion of no small sort.  We have family from Alaska, Phoenix, Virginia, Florida and Montana (I am certain I have missed a few places as well)– all making their way to Ocean Shores – where apparently there is also a major motorcycle event happening as well .  Sounds a bit wild to me. 

I believe I may have been to one other family reunion when I was much younger, my mother’s family.  At that time my grandparents were still alive and we went to someone’s cabin or house up in the mountains of Virginia.  There were probably 30 or 40 folks there including cousins and everyone.  I think it was fun, though I was little and mostly running around playing outside.

 Now close to fifty years later, I am going to another family reunion of my mother’s side, this time her siblings and my cousins and their kids.  I find myself a touch nervous.  One, because some of the folks I haven’t ever met.  Though that doesn’t bother me too much, I like meeting new folks.  No, I think I am nervous because some of these folks I haven’t seen since childhood.  Our lives went in very different directions.  I believe there was at least one other reunion a while back – but I wasn’t there.  So some of these folks I have some vague story of mine own making about who they are and what they are like and it’s all from the past and not much else. 

Actually one of my cousins I have been following on Facebook.  Now that has been kind of cool.  She lives in Alaska and seems to have a great family.  So I am excited to meet her in person.  I am equally curious about others.  It was so long ago and I know I am very different than I was back then.  Or am I?

Back then I was the family jock. Played tennis, basketball field hockey – pretty much any sport that let girls play.  Today I bike, hike, play golf and still enjoy any sport this older body can play.  May be I am not as competitive, though I imagine my sister might disagree.  I still consider myself a bit of an odd duck and I was back then as well.

Part of me wants to be closer to normal this weekend.  I find myself trying to find cute clothes and wonder what I could bring along that would let people see a window into this life I love.  CrisMarie isn’t able to make it, so one of my best assets and some might even say, a calming, stabilizing factor, won’t be by my side.  No wonder I’m nervous. 

Our family has had it’s differences over the years.  We see the past very differently.  As long as we don’t talk too much about that, we get along quite well.  We all seem to have found partners, jobs and hobbies that have inspired and called each of us towards lives that we love.  I guess I assume most families are like that. 

Still sometimes something comes up and we get ourselves into trouble trying to sort through the various stories and land on some type of truth.  I guess that is my biggest fear.  Basically a family reunion sort of invites looking back.  Myself, I am more interested in now.  Not so much how we got from there to here, but who we each are now.  I am hoping others will agree and we can enjoy the similarities and the differences – without having to settle on any truths.

 Now that is the type of reunion that sounds quite cool.  I will let you know how it goes!  I guess if the family reunion isn’t quite to my liking, I have always had a desire to be a biker – so who knows, I could maybe join a different crowd as break. 

 I sort see the weekend as a chance to see how I’ve grown – if I’ve grown.  Interestingly, the weekend after this reunion, my other family of sorts, The Haven Institute up on Gabriola, is having their 30^th anniversary.  I am hoping to make that as well.  Ah Family – Reunions – Anniversaries  – such a rich, fertile opportunity for growth – be it a chill or a thrill!

I have been reading a book called Busting Loose From the Money Game, by Robert Scheinfeld.  CrisMarie picked it up from Martha Beck’s book list.  She has been trying to get me to read along with her and I, of course, was resisting.  Let’s simply say that CrisMarie is committed to learning and growing.  She reads books recommended to her, gets regularly coached and is quite disciplined about trying things that people tell her will help her in places where she is stuck.  Sometimes I think she is trying a bit to hard to fix herself because frankly, I believe her life experience and success rate is way higher than she gives herself credit.  However, I love that she doesn’t ever stop experimenting or assume she’s ‘got it’.

At this point, she would be reminding me that this blog should be more about me and less about her.  So I’ll say that I like to learn, but I am not as willing to accept the lessons from just anyone.  I can be quite judgmental and resistant to new ways of doing things, especially if they seem ‘too simple’ or ‘easy.’  I have been hard-wired to believe life needs to be hard.  Which brings me back to Busting Loose from the Money Game, basically the message I am taking away is challenging that very belief.

Apparently, life does not really need to be that hard. I am simply, in my infinite wisdom, creating that game to play.  You may think that my tone is a bit sarcastic, however, not really.  I totally believe that life is a game.  I also believe that I am quite attracted to lots of drama and strong emotional interactions in my version of the game.  I compare it to biking.  Lot’s of people enjoy hills.  However, if I ask most people, if they prefer riding up the mountain or cruising down, they tell me cruising down.  Not me, I don’t like going that fast. No, I like grinding hard and getting to the top.  I like the challenge and thrive on that moment, when I get through thinking “this is impossible” and realize – “I did it.”   In a way, my bike riding is much like my game of life.  I often take the hard road and like to face challenges that seem ‘impossible.’

This book takes the premise that life is all an illusion that we are playing. That we are each creating our world and everything in as a way to play the Human Experience Game.  The book focuses on the Money Game because it is one that most of us get caught up in.  However, the process and storyline apply to life in general, not just money. Basically, the concept is simple. There are two phases to the Human Experience Game.  Phase I is the total immersion into the illusion of limitation. This starts at birth and we really work to convince ourselves on all levels that the physical experience we are having is real and that we are separate beings. In other words, we give up completely our spiritual, non-physical oneness and connection to Source or all that is possible.

At some point, once fully in, we have a chance to shift to Phase II. Phase II is busting loose from all of the illusions and fully realizing that we are creating, through our expanded consciousness, everything about our physical experience.  Now, that is quite a storyline.  Yet, it is one that is told in so many different way, through so many different people and experiences, that I think this version Busting Loose from The Money Game  is finally the one that is cracking my resistant thinking. I think I have known for a long time that life is an illusion.  My reality has been shaken, stirred and stripped away enough times that I totally get that there is no ONE reality.  I don’t think though that I have been fully able to own my own power and connection to the Divine in creating my experience.

Maybe I could own a connection. When I am with others and there is an opening, I have a felt sense of the divine and the infinite power and possibility, I get we can create anything – it is all possible.  However, I still have lots of beliefs that stop me from fully owning that with or without the group, the others (all of which I have been creating for me to see); I AM the Source. The physical way I pull from my expanded consciousness is my reality game – it is all my own doing. I create the pain, the joy, the heart ache and every space in between.

It isn’t good or bad, right or wrong, it is simply the game I am playing.  It’s easy to think, “Oh now that I know that – I’ll create a ‘better’ game.”  However, that is still playing the judgment game – so not really in the busting loose category.   I have some slight glimpses of a totally different possibility.   The possibility of being in the joy of whatever I am creating, owning and taking responsibility for that creation and feeling everything fully as play my game. I am not quite there yet.

I get it when I watch NCAA basketball – March madness.  Every year it seems there are the predicted winning teams.  Those teams are not my teams. However, every year there is a surprise team.  This year it’s The Florida Gulf Coast University (FGCU) team.  Watching them play is like watching pure joy.  They are having fun.  I have no idea if they will go all the way to win the NCAA.  In the past, part of my Game was the underdog needed to win to prove it was possible.  Oddly, this year, I don’t think that matters, they are totally living in the moment and that is the to the essence of the Human Experience Game.  That is the prize – over and over – whether it looks like winning or whether it looks like losing. Being fully in it!! Go FGCU!!!

Travel Log:  Heading back to The Haven and reflecting on just how unenlightened I can be at times!!  It is now a few days later, but I thought I’d share the tale! 

I have the time and there are many, many stories swirling around me here at Chicago O’Hare Airport.  In this moment, my fingers feel slow and my mind has yet to absorb enough caffeine to totally commit to any one subject.  Still, I have a relatively quiet spot in an otherwise crazy, busy, loud, pulsing airport.  I want to take advantage.

Most of my travel on this excursion away from the Living Alive Phase program has been wrought with struggle.  Of course, this is mostly my internal mind, overly frustrated by delays and various blocks that have been in my path.  I have yet to fully utilize my new found skills in “oneness” as Martha Beck, author of Finding Your Way in a Wild New World, calls it.  It’s not like I haven’t tried.  It is odd to me how natural breathing and taking care of myself comes when I am settled in a room at The Haven, and how totally ineffective I can become making the same effort in a Hilton Hotel.  Instead of breathing or yoga, I find myself taking two breaths, a nanosecond after which, I jump up and think I should go to the gym or check my flight time again.  Now, in the airport terminal quite early, I am trying, amidst the chaos, to settle.  Maybe this will be easier.

Sure, I am hoping I make it back to my safe Haven by late afternoon.  However, that is about 8 to 10 hours away, and I do want this travel experience to be more settling than the hell I put myself through yesterday.

I thought I had it made.  The car pick up for my drive from Lake Placid to Burlington, VT was a few minutes early and effortless.  Let me just take a short excursion from this current track to say, I have no idea how 200 countries and their athletes ever managed to fly in and get to Lake Placid for the 1980 Olympic Winter Games.  Having now made that effort from a neighboring country, Canada, I am actually thinking it may have given the USA hockey team and unfair advantage.  Let’s just say it is NOT easy!!  But that is another story. 

Back to the first leg, the Burlington, VT airport is not really designed for the traffic that comes through.  I think they are doing some construction, however, yesterday the food options where basically coffee (drip only) or chips.  I, of course, was there very early.  As my flight got closer, announcements emerged about delays.  First, just 18 minutes, than 50 and finally an hour after the time of departure, I thought we might get to board, when suddenly our gate person started looking for someone to step off the flight.

The initial announcement was friendly enough asking for a volunteer.  Soon it was clear no one was stepping up and her request got more directive.  Someone was going to lose his or her seat, and without volunteering, the promise of assistance was limited.  Still no one.  We all were caught in the pain, as we didn’t start boarding either.  As the clock was ticking, and connections were clearly going to be missed, the gate person printed the list, and a name was called.  The woman called was not happy.  A long conversion at the desk and volunteer popped up, saving the woman her seat.

Finally, boarding we thought we would be on our way.  But no, someone else had a seat issue.  This time most of us were already on the plane.  There was call for the same woman to come off the plane.  Well, that did not happen.  She was clearly not moving.  The gentleman without a seat was now standing at the front.  After another standoff, the gentleman agreed to leave the plane but only if they would get his checked skis out of cargo.  Wow!  Could this get worse?  Well,… yes!

After all of the people delays, next came the Captain’s announcement that O’Hare had put a ground stop on all United flights.  We were going to be sitting on the tarmac for 50 minutes.  By this time most of us knew our connections were missed and working on mobile phones to find rooms or alternative flights.

Finally, after the various delays we took off.  It wasn’t until after two beers and lots of very unenlightened comments about United, I settled.  Fortunately, I had my partner on the outside making a reservation for me at the Hilton Hotel.

In Chicago, I made my way to the Hilton late at night.  As I stepped up excited to get my room and sleep, I was confronted by a check-in line of at least sixty people and two folks checking us in.  Wow!  I think I was so surprised I could only laugh.  The wait of over an hour to check in to the hotel was at least funny as we shared all the odd stories we had been given by pilots and flight folks about why so many United flights were canceled or late.  It was strange that there was so little continuity in these stories.  But at least none of us were as hot. No, we were more amused, which was probably helping the line move relatively quickly, considering the demand.

Now, after a short night of sleep, I have booked myself on a direct flight to Vancouver.  No, I won’t be there as planned to start the day, but I am holding, imaging and forming a picture of my Haven room and some friendly faces sometime later today!!

Post Travels:  I am back and settled.  Since I don’t have lots of blogging opportunities I thought I would share the travel log. 

Family dynamics. Just when I think I have grown up and figured out how to be with my family, meaning I know how to show up like a whole person, not simply react and get angry, I find out, I was wrong.  That magnetic pull back into old patterns and old stories comes crashing back as I find myself dealing with my dad’s fading health.

Honestly, I thought I could handle this and that in so many ways we were clear.  When I visited, I stayed more current and primarily interested in my parent’s as people now.  Yet, my father’s declining health and the fact that we as family are being called back together, has me spinning.  I am not as good at staying out of the old stories or patterns.

Last weekend my father, at 92 years old, was admitted to the hospital with chronic heart failure.  It looked like he might not make it through the night.  Now, about a week later he is stable and wants to come home.  The problem is that he isn’t quite that strong, and my mother, though a nurse and quite willing to do all she can to make that happen, isn’t young (she is now 86) and strong enough to do that on her own.  We are all trying in our own way to figure out what is best.  There’s this timing piece of when to come to visit.  There’s fears that coming to visit may imply we are assuming he is dying.  However, not coming may mean not being there if he does die.

Of course, there are a number of difficulties here.  One, I don’t think we do a good job of talking about death and dying.  Honestly, for ten years my father has been going through near-death experiences and my mother has become more responsible for his care.  We don’t really talk about that.  Then there’s our own dynamics that come up.  Personally, I would prefer us all be together – Mom, Penny, Melissa and I – and Dad, if he is up for it, talking about death and dying. Yet, I know, or believe, others prefer to wait until after he dies or right when he is dying.  At that point, I think the conversation is very different. Still, as the youngest, (OMG, is that really still the card I am playing? You see it’s the family magnet!) I don’t say what I want.  I wait.  Oddly, I am not really certain what would happen if I just asked for what I wanted.  I am often the one outside of my family system known for starting the tough conversation, saying what isn’t being said. So it seems the family magnet is at play once again.

It’s all so hard.  Last week, I was saying good-bye to a friend, fifty-four who passed away.  In the past couple years, a number of friends between 55-65 have died.  Now, my father at 92 in so many ways has had an amazing life.  I hear so often how awesome it is that he keeps going.  Yet – I do wonder and feel guilty when I have a moment of wishing he was closer to simply letting go.  Okay, I said that, wrote it and feel horrible seeing it out on the page.  But I am not going to hit delete because I am not trying to be mean.  I just don’t always believe living longer is better.  I am not certain my dad’s holding on doesn’t come at a cost – may be a cost that is too great.

So many of my friends are facing similar situations with aging parents.  I do wonder if anyone else has those moments when they feel as I do or do most people just want their parents to live forever? Last night, I went to a silent auction for a the Tamarack Grief Resource Center here in MT.  There were a number of stories shared about how families deal with the loss of loved ones.  I had bought the ticket a while ago, mainly because a friend asked, and I thought a worthy cause.  Little did I know I would be comforted myself as I listened to the many ways people grieve and the importance of making space for that.

I do hope I can make that space for my family and for myself.  It seems my dad will be riding this wave for a while.  I must find the best way for me to take the ride as well, and we may not always agree on what that looks like.  What I do know is that this is not simply about my dad and his transition. This is really something that is impacting all of us.  That larger impact, I think, can so often be forgotten.  I don’t want to forget that. I also don’t simply want to live at the mercy of the magnet.  Sure the pull is there and may be worth looking at, but I don’t want to get sucked in or totally repelled away.  During this time, I want to stand in my own shoes, with family, family dynamics and all.