Category Archives: Uncategorized

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Bucket List – Check!

We Made It!
We Made It!

Seven years ago at a workshop in Santa Fe, I met a woman who had learned to ski when she was fifty. I loved hearing her story because she hadn’t ever skied and decided to learn for her fiftieth birthday. She took two weeks off to go and ski every day at a resort. I loved her story, was inspired and intrigued.

Fast forward to 2008, us moving to Whitefish, MT and living with a wondrous ski resort right up the street. I remembered her story and right away wanted to take up skiing. But no. It didn’t happen like that. As the winters went by, there were all sorts of reasons I did not learn. I had knee injury and knee surgery. I was working too much and no time. It was too expensive. On and on. Underlying all the reasons and excuses, I really wasn’t very confident that I would or could learn. Then someone told me about skinning up the mountain and skiing down. It sounded so awesome. As an avid biker, my love is climbing, so this skinning idea was just what I needed. Great exercise and something that didn’t involve lift tickets, fancy ski gear and played to what were my strengths – going uphill!

Now I really wanted to skin up the mountain. But that did mean I had to be able to ski well enough to ski back down. So there were some more stalls in my plan. Until CrisMarie simply stepped in with her Christmas present: a private ski lesson, pre-scheduled for December 26. Suddenly, there was no excuse.

I went, and I was hooked. It wasn’t pretty, but I started to get the basics. I went back and practiced on the beginner slopes, worked my way up to immediate runs and finally the runs from the summit. I was ready to skin up. I called a friend, Traci Stolte, who is a pro at skinning and has one of the most positive attitudes I know and asked if she would take me out for my first skinning experience. She agreed!

The first date set was icy and horrible and we didn’t go. I thought for sure I was going to miss my window as the temperatures warmed up and we were getting busy with work. But I scheduled another opportunity, rented the skins and skis and got my butt to the meeting point.

Now, I will say skinning up that mountain was hard. Like I mentioned, I like biking up mountains, and I imagined it might be similar. But honestly, it was much harder. I got a blisters from the rental boots and was a touch humbled by the speed and quickness of my follow skinners. Traci had invited another newbie skier, Laurie, like me, to join our expedition. I had not problems with that. In truth, I think we helped each other along the way when Traci was easily going up, up, up – we’d take a break and complain about our blisters or share some tidbit about our lives that allowed one of us to catch our breath (usually me, but she graciously said she needed the break as well) and off we’d go, back up the mountain. Yes, I thought about dropping off and just skiing back down. But no, I did not stop. Instead, I humbly acknowledged that this skinning was hard and put one foot (well ski) in front of the other and kept going. I learned and I found my rhythm (which involved various stops along the way). I made it to the summit!

I was thrilled!

That thrill was awesome and lasted minutes. I soon discovered that skiing back down with my longer, heavier skis and tired legs was – well- let’s just say, not the picture of grace I had imagined. Traci and Laurie were great. They would ski down a ways and wait for me when I took a fall or two (okay three) and struggled to get back up. It was so like my life. Not pretty, but determined. Again humbling, but I was also proud of myself. I did it! Up and down!

I felt like a rock star when I took those skis off.

I will hope for a more graceful experience when I do it again. But right now I want to acknowledge my victory and enjoy checking learning to skin and ski off my bucket list.  Thanks Traci, Laurie, Linda (my ski instructor) and pf course CrisMarie who got me that lesson!!

 

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Human After All – Sad & Mad

I find myself wanting to be in a circle of my friends.  Instead I am sitting alone, listening to music and watching the snow fall. Tears roll freely as read the many words of loving for Ernie, now gone from this physical world.  I know I wrote over a week ago that I was ready to let him go.  Yet today, learning that he indeed he has moved on – I am very sad.  My heart a bit cracked.   Heart Cracked

And – I am a bit angry.  Angry at crazy, cracked cancer.  That is a big difference between me and Ernie.  As far as I know he was never angry about his cancer.  I was.  Of course I know all the things I should think – it’s an opportunity, it’s an opening and what a wonderful experience of loving for all that were with him who shared and provided so much love.  Indeed all that is there.  But right now I am having a rush of pissed, angry and furious feelings.  Because Ernie was a damn good guy – as his brother put it so beautifully in a note out to folks – “Ernie was the most loved person I know”.  It’s true, since I last wrote about what seemed like his final day, a week unfolded with loved ones by his side (and Cathy’s) and people coming and creating circles of loving, music, tears, laughter and silence, much like the work he loved and so wanted to continue.  So that part is wonderful.

But – why did someone like Ernie have to go so fast.  I am not even going to pretend to answer that.  There is no answer that works or seems anything less than shallow.  I can not stand the, “It must have been his time” or “God has a reason’”  Well, I call BS.  There just is not a right answer to a question like that.  My better higher self does believe in both the physical and non-physical and that as a spirit having a physical experience, we do go back.  Truth is most of this past week I strongly felt and experienced the wondrous, hugh nature of Ernie’s spirit, free from that tight ties of his physical body.  Colorful, expansive and mystical sounds accompanied me throughout my day and I believe many, many others he knew.  I imagine this was his way of giving as many as he could a kiss good-bye.

Yes, some part of me believes all that.  Another part of me is in deeply sad and mad that another dear friend has moved on. Sad that I must say again, good-bye my friend!  .

Looks like the snow has stopped – maybe I’ll head to the mountain.  May be I’ll get a last taste of the flight of Ernie – now high above the gravity and weight of this world.  Love you, Ernie!

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Tears of Joy & Sorrow

A couple of days ago I sat looking at a wonderful wedding album of friends who had recently been legally married after thirty years of living and loving together.  As I scrolled through the online album of so many friends and so much joy, my heart was full.  Tears of joy flowed.

One of those Miracle Moments with Ernie!
One of those Miracle Moments with Ernie!

As I was enjoying that moment an email came in from another dear friend Cathy who I had been thinking a lot about.  I opened the email and the news was not good.  She let me know my intuitive nudges were sharp, her husband and another dear friend, Ernie McNally, was not doing well.  Ernie has been dealing with a brain tumor for a couple years now.  We’ve been hoping for a living type miracle and frankly, some of the moments Ernie has shared with so many of us on this journey have been just that.  Now it seems those type of miracles are shifting, and he is shifting to more non-physical than physical – a different type of miracle is underway.

I sat silently as tears rolled down my cheek.  The moment was powerful, because I was still so in touch with the joy of the living and loving of my friends’ wedding, and now the sorrow of the impending passing of a wonderful spirit moving on.

My tears were filled with joy and sorrow.

I will miss Ernie.  We had some very powerful interactions.  In some ways we are so very different, and yet under the surface, I believe, we each share a passion and intensity for life that is quite rich.  Ernie challenged me.  He was so openly big-hearted.  His way with people was like a long, warm hug.  Mine – well, not so much like that.  Sometimes I wanted to see more of the fire in his belly, AND I feel fortunate that he always was willing to go to that edge with me.  We wrestled with our differences, and I learned to trust his hug. I think he learned to trust my directness and intensity.  Neither was our natural path.

I wrestle with a desire to go and say good-bye, but I know his home is filled with so many friends and family that the my presence, though nice for me, isn’t what seems quite right.  I will connect with Ernie a different way on his current journey. I know the space between the physical and non-physical world.  As people travel, I can easily connect to those who are open to that possibility.  So today, I am sitting and enjoying some of tunes I know we both love.  I can see his spirit expanding and all that intensity is radiate.  So I don’t need to say good-bye in person.

Yes, I will miss my friend.  I will miss his mentoring when I am too reactive and need someone to meet me there and talk me off the ledge.  But I am grateful he isn’t going to have to live much longer in his physical body, that simply isn’t able or willing to carry him to the places and spaces he so loves any longer.

Ernie, fly my friend.  I know this is hardest for Cathy and indeed her loss of you is monumental. Just know – We got this!   You can go and fly free now.  Your kindness and generous spirit will not die, and we will hold and make a soft place for Cathy to land as she finds her footing without you by her side in this physical world.

Life is such a tapestry of joy and sorrow.  Filled with moments so special – like a wedding long overdue and a death that just seemed to have come a bit to soon.

The tears of joy and sorrow flow freely as I connect to my friends.

 

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Why I Am a Seahawk Fan!

I am thrilled that the Seattle Seahawks won the Superbowl!!1518455_10152029698036263_1031363652_o

I won’t be in Seattle today for parade and celebrations, but I can only imagine how alive and energizing that will be.  The last time Seattle won a national title I was there.  But unlike the FOX news report stated, it wasn’t 1979 – no, the Seattle Storm, Women’s NBA team took the title in 2010 and 2004.  Boy, I was disappointed that FOX omitted the women’s accomplishments, but that is not the point of today’s post.

No, I love the Seahawks because as a team, they are doing something very different.  For anyone who didn’t catch the ESPN Sports Illustrated Article in August 2013, let me just share, that the Seahawks are modeling everything I believe (and consult about) to be true about teams.

If you want people to play together, you need to stop treating them like objects, let them be whole people, meaning bring their full-selves to what they do: mind, body, emotion and spirit.  Teams are greatest when there are diverse personalities, open dialogue, healthy conflict and clarity around vision.  That is true in sports, it’s true in business, in organizations of every kind – even in couples and families.

What the Seahawks have created is a Smart and Healthy team and organization.  Now they have a championship title to endorse this approach.  I am hoping that Superbowl title will get people to see that being a whole person instead of just a useful object and leaning in to differences and healthy conflict not only makes life and work more fulfilling but creates great results!

Even on a personal note, this Seattle Seahawk season has been significant.  Yes, I’ve been a Seahawk fan since I lived in Seattle and enjoyed the last run to the Superbowl in 2006.  But this year my entire family have become Seahawks fans.  Now that may not seem like a big deal, but let me just say, we have not agreed on many things.  Plus, I would definitely say my family is known more for it’s intellectual milestones than its athletic ones.

However, our differences did not fracture us.  We got some great support when we were at odds and not speaking.  We were offered a different path, one where each of us could be whole and valued.  So instead of letting those differences tear us a part, we learned to respect each others story and find a new common ground. That wasn’t easy, and it took courage on the part of everyone.  No, there were no big parades or celebrations for our family effort.  Still, in terms of AHA! Moments and life changing efforts, our family work was as good as it gets in terms of ROI.

In some ways, this Seahawk season has been an odd collective journey for us.  Everyone in my family has been wearing Seahawk gear and watching all the games. We talk about our favorite players and don’t always agree on who’s best or how to support the team.  No, we are still quite different in our styles and opinions.  We all have different reasons for loving the Seahawks and that just seems to fit.

The Seahawks aren’t made up of just one type of personality  – neither are we.  Oddly, it is those differences and the respect for those differences that makes the Seahawks and us great!

I’ll just end by saying:

Whole People (body, mind spirit & emotions) + Whole Teams (Healthy Conflict) = Great Results!

It’s not easy but it is worthwhile it in so many ways!!

Congratulations Hawks!

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Rest & Play: The Keys to Productivity

Rest & Play: The Keys to Productivity: Reprinted from 406 Woman Magazine p16  Cover-Business-Dec-2013

For the past couple weeks I have found myself searching for Hawaii vacations.  The idea of a sandy beach and warm ocean water are incredibly appealing to me right now.  Of course, the timing is lousy.  I have a series of client days alrea dy booked.  Plus it’s the holidays. So it’s one of the more expensive times of the year for travel.  How did I get to this point where a vacation seems almost a requirement?

Here’s how:

  • I have been working for 27 days straight without much more than a few hours off, really.
  • Between face-to-face hours with clients I have been trying to build a stronger social media presence, writing, reading and posting to ensure our new brand and website gets up and running.
  • I have some extended family issues that demand attention and connection.
  • My office is at home. So it is easy to work at night and often without much of a break.

I don’t think this schedule is uncommon for a small business owner.  However, I also don’t think it’s healthy or productive.

So what to do?  Hawaii really isn’t the solution.  No, what’s needed is counter intuitive.  Instead of working more, sleeping less and soldiering on, what I really need is to interrupt my work on a day-to-day basis and build in REST & PLAY.  Yes, that’s right – two words that are rarely used in business, but are essential for success: REST & PLAY.

Let’s start with REST.  A great deal of study has been done on elite athletes.  One interesting study involved tennis players and how they utilized the breaks between games.  The best results came from those who totally shut down during their breaks.  No coaching, no music, no mental replays – just stillness, quiet and resting.

Another data point involved world leaders such as Churchill and Kennedy, both of whom were known for taking ten-minute naps throughout the day.  It seems that after 90 minutes of mental concentration our abilities diminish quickly unless we take a break.  Ten minutes is really all we need. Take a nap. Take a short walk outside.  But make it a clear break.

This is not easy.  I know I often want to plow through and not take an actual break until the work is done.  It was helpful to learn that elite athletes and world leaders take naps and breaks.  Maybe I could as well.

PLAY – that comes a bit harder. However, this may even be more important.

It’s easy to think of play as something children do, but there is so much more that play has to offer.  There’s an actual National Institute of Play, who’s founder, Dr. Stuart Brown has been conducting years of research that shows the importance of play in terms of transformation, creativity, problem-solving and dealing with power differentials.

Stuart Brown’s TED Talk on play included an amazing clip involving a small husky dog and big hungry polar bear.  The husky was certain to be the polar bear’s lunch! Instead, the husky invited the bear to play.  A simple play bow invite from a small female husky to a predatory big polar bear resulted in a new storyline for the husky.  Instead of a fight to the death the animals played, which ended in cuddles.  Though the research isn’t as established for us humans, I have little doubt that a sincere invitation to play could do more to bridge differences than any other usual intervention.

 

Why? Because play lights up all parts of the brain.  We think more creativity, remember more and develop an emotional regulation that would otherwise not occur.

So what is play?  Any type of activity that is unstructured and without a defined purpose is one definition.  Play can be social. It can be imaginative. It can involve objects or movement.  The key is unstructured and without a specific purpose.

Something as simple as a 30 second dance can be play, totally lighting up the brain.  Doesn’t that sound much more productive than plowing through?

Bottom-line:  Introducing regular interruptions for short breaks and playful moments will do much more for your business than hours of concentrated effort that later result in dreams of an Hawaiian vacation.  Plus, if I am more productive, well, that vacation might become a reality not a requirement. Doesn’t that sound like much more fun?

 

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IO’s Indelible Paw Print on Our Hearts!

Bailey as we knew him, IO (pronounced E-O) who he became, left us December 16 at 4:45PM at Apline Vet Hospital.  That wasn’t suppose to happen.  He was only four years and 4 months old, and he had finally found his ‘forever home’ and totally perfect person, Rick.

Mighty Dog
Short Life – Big Reach!

The call came from Rick yesterday at 2PM that IO was very, very ill.  We jumped in our car and drove to the vet to have a few minutes with IO and with Rick. It was hard to see our super mighty, and previously healthy, dog so, so sick. He was in so much pain that he had been standing and not sleeping for at least 20 hours.

It was even harder for Rick who had just days before thought his buddy was fine. Now he’s gone. That is such a blow.  I could see the sadness in both of their eyes. IO working so hard to keep breathing and Rick wanting his buddy to pull through, as well as, wanting to do something to eliminate IO’s pain.

It is all so sad that he’s gone. Yet even such a short life did indeed leave many a paw print on so many people’s lives.  IO came to us as a rescue boxer in December 2009.  He was known as Moose at that point. We got him just after CrisMarie lost her brother to colon cancer. He filled a hole and pulled us through a hard stretch.  We named Bailey.  He was full of life and kept me company as I held a space for CrisMarie to deal with her loss. We both loved Bailey dearly and soon learned as he grew that he needed someone other than us. It wasn’t easy to consider letting him go, until we saw Bailey and Rick together. From their first visit, Bailey seemed at home, like he had found his best friend.

Rick named him IO and together they started off on many wild adventures.  Hiking, biking, rock climbing, rafting and IO was calm and settled. It was so cool to witness.

IO - Handsome Man
IO – Handsome Man

But it wasn’t just Rick.  IO had many friends: Tracy, Jodi, Cindy, Brooke – to name a few.  I love to discover the people who knew IO and their stories of how he touched their lives.

I honestly don’t know why he had such a short life. I do though believe that he had a rich, full adventure and that he was well loved and loved well.

Dogs are and have been so important in my life.  They are such wonderful teachers.  They live fully.  They are loyal.  They know how to play.  They are blindly forgiving and shake it off when life throws them rough stuff.  They will protect what matters to them. They love without hesitation!

Moose, Bailey, IO had all of these qualities.  And he offered all of those lessons to each of us who knew him.

As result his indelible paw print remains heavy on my heart today.

 

 

 

 

 

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Oh Sh*T! What Now?

I have been giving lots of thought and effort to defining what is my skill set, my niche. Basically, I keep coming back to what may be my signature strength – dealing with Oh Sh*T! What now? Oh Sh*T! What Now?

Let me start by saying, I wish there were softer more positive words that I could use. However, the truth is that’s what comes out of my mouth, or what I hear loudly in my head is. “Oh Sh*T! How did I get here and what do I do now?”

Let me take you back to one of my signature Oh Sh*t! Moments.

I was in my twenties. I was fighting cancer. I was fully engaged in being positive, fighting the good fight and doing whatever was needed to handle a fairly aggressive treatment protocol. At nine months in, I had just finished my cancer treatment scorecard of testing, and I felt confident that I was going to beat cancer and get on with my life.

So imagine my surprised when I walked into my doctor’s office and got my grade: F.

Now, of course, that is not how she delivered the news. Cancer report cards are not actually graded. But her words in some ways landed harder.

“The treatments aren’t working.”

“The Cancer is advancing.”

“We don’t have another option.”

“You probably have six months to live.”

Oh Sh*T! How did I get here, and what the hell do I do now!?!

I was stunned. I was silent.

I believe I mumbled something and left.

On my way out I saw a flyer: Life Death and Transitions with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Without really thinking too much about what I was doing, I took a copy and walked out.

That moment was a turning point in my life. Apparently, there was no Hail Mary play to call that was going to get me out of this game alive.

I looked at that flyer.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross – I had no idea who she was.
Life, Death & Transitions – these were not subject matters to which I had given much thought.

Still, I needed something. So I wrote.

“Apparently I’m dying and fairly soon. I don’t really know how to deal with that. I don’t have any money. I have no real clue who you are, but I picked up your flyer and wanted to see if there was any chance that I could come to your workshop.

Thanks for considering,
Susie”

I stuck that little note with my phone number in the mail. (Yes – well before email.)

That was my first conscious experience of what I call opting in, or facing an Oh Sh*T! moment and diving in head first.

Sure, I could have opted out. Gotten angry and blamed. Given up. Or simply walked on down that path of least resistance – doing my little life the same way until I died.

No, writing that letter was different.

My journey sped up after that.

She said, “Come.”

Kubler-Ross presented me with a challenge. She basically sat me down and said, “You and I are not really that different. Someone just told you when you were going to die. Now you are focusing on dying or not dying and that is not living!”

“Living is turning towards whatever life is presenting you and diving into it, being curious – not just fighting cancer – but living life. Face whatever there is to face, throw yourself in and swim.”

Okay, those last words are some of my own words added to her message over the years. But she launched me on a path, a path that has became my motto:

  • Choose to be living
  • Choose to be curious
  • Fearlessly, or fearfully, face whatever is in right front of you
  • Do not step away from chaos, conflict and uncertainty -step in – that mix brings magic and miracles.

So the journey didn’t end in six months. It wasn’t easy.

My doctors were not thrilled when I started talking to faith healers, alternative medicine folks and considering that maybe my tumors had stories that needed to be told.

No, my doctors thought I was crazy.

But I actually wanted them, as well as anyone else that had a potential game play, on my team.

So I faced the crazy, the questions, the chaos of doing a little bit of everything, throwing myself into that chaos and conflict while staying curious.

  • What might this cancer be saying if it could talk?
  • What might I not be saying? Feeling? Thinking? Wanting?

I’m not saying this path was, or is, always graceful. No, there were some very difficult periods. I discovered over and over just how stubborn, defended and resistant I can be.

But I kept coming back to that choice point – am I in? – Or am I out? Choose!

I learned to listen. I learned to speak up. I learned the incredible value in differences and the possibility that comes from making space for the new. Also the magic and miracles that happen when people work together on a common problem and care deeply about each other and the outcome.

Now many, many years later, I have taken that learning and applied it to challenges facing leaders everyday. My work, with my partner CrisMarie Campbell, evolves around helping leaders, teams and organizations face their “Oh Sh*T! How did we get here?” moments.

Our leaders need this today more than ever. We need this today. We are living in a huge, “Oh Sh*T! How did we get here?” moment. We need to step up our game and quit fighting and blaming.

Opt in – sure it may get ugly, but if we can stay curious and interested in all the possibilities, especially the ones far a field from our own, I do believe we might discover something totally new and magical.

Really, that’s the only viable option left if we are going to keep living – anything else is just dying. It’s time to turn towards “Oh Sh*T! What Now” and Opt In.

Business, Uncategorized, Vulnerability, Women

Vulnerabilty: Key to Business Success

Biz_Cover_Oct_Nov_2013

This is a reprint of an article I wrote for:  406 Woman Business P.18

Vulnerability: A Woman’s Natural Strength & Key to Business Success

“Look I’ll say it. I made a mistake. I should have picked up the phone and told you we had a serious problem, but I didn’t. Even as the problem got worse, I just kept my team focused on solving it and never reached out. Now I see how that decision set up the conflict you guys are in now.” Josey was one of the newer members of the senior leadership team and had recently moved into quality assurance. In her first six months there had been three major product quality issues.

“Can you say why you didn’t give us a head’s up?” Tom was VP of Sales and the quality issues and low inventory had resulted in his team missing their bonuses.

“Honestly, I wanted to save face. I was fearful of telling you about the problem, getting an ear full and not yet having a solution.” Again, Josey was frank and transparent.

“Well I guess it is true, we do often fire back when we hear there’s a problem. Look Josey, I appreciate your candid answer. I think we played into the problem as well because we knew there were some inventory issues and we didn’t stop selling or check in.” Tom was not one who usually acknowledged any mistakes.

This all came after a half day of team building and training on the importance of vulnerability-based leadership as a path for getting to healthy conflict, clarity and commitment. Everyone said at the end of the day how powerful the interaction had been, primarily due to Josey setting an example. Oddly though, when it came time to talk about what would be communicated out to the larger organization about the off-site, this is what happened.

“No way am I letting my team know we had any trust issues and, personally, I don’t like using the word “vulnerable” – that is just going to get people concerned.” Tom was clear that vulnerability wasn’t going to be a circulated value.

“I think our people need to know what we talked about. How else are they going to get the okay that acknowledging a mistake an important step.” Josey was the first to counter Tom’s position.

Sue, the conservative voice of the legal department agreed with Tom. “Our people don’t need to think we are having any issues,” Sue added, “Sure we want honest communication but I think our issues stay in this room only.”

It was a bit shocking to hear these same folks that had, moments ago, said how important the frank, open honest communication had been. Now they wanted to put on the armor and padding of confidentiality to make sure no one saw any weakness. Shocking … but not uncommon.

A Definition of Vulnerability
There’s a lot of talk these days about the importance vulnerability. Author Brené Brown in her book, Daring Greatly, is giving vulnerability lots of frontline press, and it is becoming a bit of a buzzword. So what does it mean to be vulnerable? Well first let’s go to the dictionary and pull the standard definition.

Vulnerability: “To expose oneself to danger, to be revealed.” Not really a great drawing card when you put it like that. Why would anyone be willing expose themselves to danger?

For a long time business has been about strategy and out-playing the competitors. That version of business encourages, holding your cards tight and looking good. There is not much room for revealing or exposing yourself to danger.

Having made a living sitting in boardrooms and executive conference rooms listening to leaders and teams define and clarify their business strategy, I have wrestled with the effectiveness of all the secrecy, importance and politics that often takes place among a group of smart, passionate people supposedly on the same team. The word – vulnerable, if talked about, will often be taken off the communication plan that cascades out to the rest of the organization, as demonstrated in the meeting above. Instead, the messaging usually implies that there was some sort of team huddle where everyone fought the good fight, and produced outcomes that are supercharged new or a refreshed vision and mission. Not much revealed or exposed to danger there.

I once heard a wonderful woman speaker at a women-owned business conference. Her opening line has always stayed with me, she said, “If eleven women were sitting in a room designing something to do, they would have never come up with football.” Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good competitive game, even football, but football is sort of the ultimate example in lacking vulnerability. Pretty much every inch of those guys is covered in protective padding, and oddly, many of the worse type of injuries still occur. There is some truth to the story that all that protection and gear can, and often does, get used to hit harder. I often wonder if there were as many head injuries in football before helmets came along. Often, too much armoring or protection simply invites more problems and attacks.

So What is Vulnerability?
What does it mean to revel oneself or expose oneself to danger? Simply put – it means acknowledging what is really going on. When Josey spoke up and acknowledged her decision to keep the problem quiet, she exposed herself and her team to potential danger. She also opened a door for more open, transparent communication. Acknowledging can be as simple as saying, we/I made a mistake, we’re sorry, we believe we are the best and want you to choose us.

A Women’s Natural Strength
I believe vulnerability-based leadership is quite natural for women. As women we are often told to toughen up if we want to be in business; don’t wear your heart on your sleeve; and please don’t bring emotions or empathy into the business equation. But really, that is what business needs – open and honest conversation between people. Not padding, not protective gear, not the ability to dodge hard hits. Empathy, or walking in someone else’s shoes can go a very, very long way towards creating new ideas and possibilities. And really, football players are some of the most emotional beings out there, it’s just all covered up in pads and helmets.

Emotions are the true potential energy of people. It’s emotions that drive us to action, not dreaming. A great dream will only become a major movement and possibility if it is embodied with emotion. That combination is vital and if you want people to come along with you, a dose of vulnerability will go a very long way in getting to the real issues.

Josey made it possible for some honest conversation and led to an acknowledgement on Tom’s part about how his team can fire back and may contribute to the problem. This was a huge step forward for the leadership team. Sadly it may not roll out yet to the broader organization without a bit more vulnerability in modeling to the rest of the organization that acknowledging mistakes can lead to healthier teams.

We learned later that Josey continued to influence her peers when another quality issue came up. This time she spoke up early and Tom was able to let the sales team in on the problem. Together they arrived at a solution that had no negative impact on the customers or the bonuses. Tom still isn’t fond of using the word vulnerability but he does communicate out the importance of exposing and acknowledging the potential issues faster as the best path for creative solutions.

What You Can Do: Use Your Feminine Strength
So step into your next team meeting or planning session and, instead of holding your cards, try revealing what you really think, feel and want. Be interested in discovering how others respond. Use what may be a more natural feminine strength. You might be in for a big surprise. Play without pads and helmets, but if you do, be sure to let the rest of your company know what really happened in the boardroom. Try a little dose of vulnerability – maybe you are exposing yourself to danger, but you may also be giving yourself the best chance to see what is really out there and respond accordingly.

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A Leader’s Choice

My heart aches today.Achy Heart

These past few days have challenged me.  I believe I have been true to my crystal clear objectives as a leader.  Those objectives being; to be clear, solid, compassionate and aligned with others on my team AND my heart still aches.

Maybe because I haven’t hardened to deliver a tough message, maybe because even though I believe I did the best thing it wasn’t the easiest or the kindest thing.

Sometimes leadership does mean standing in the face of people’s anger, disappointment and frustration.  Not from a point of righteousness but from a place of clarity in the face differences that comes through making  hard choices.

I wanted to reach out and rescue.  That was not an option.  I wanted to make everything all right.  That was not possible. I wanted to be a friend.  That was not my place.

Indeed leadership can be hard.  Yet as I sit with my aching heart I know leadership need not be heartless.  Today I will allow my heart to cry and let the light in through the cracks that will remain from standing forward and not simply walling off in a righteous choice.  Feeling the pain of clarity that is not certain. The pain of differences, not right/wrong, but choices.

If only it was simple and there was one sure right way or one person to blame.  If there could be a clear enemy.  Indeed that would make life and leading, oh so much easier.  Maybe pain free and heartless.

No, I am grateful for the ache.  Pain free and certain is not leadership in my view.  Leadership is standing solid in the storm and remaining open, willing to be influenced and willing to be clear.  So often these things seem at odds. Thus the ache.  My heart is not broken.  Simply cracked and that I can live with.  That is human. That is choice.  That to me is leadership.

 

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Why Haven Coaching?

Coaching.

What can I say that might get you interested in giving the Haven Coaching program a try?

The best way I know to talk about anything is to start with a personal perspective. When I left The Haven after my first Come Alive in 1984, I returned to my little apartment back in my home town, of Richmond Virgina. Thousands of miles away from the circle that had created a lifeline for me as I opened up and shared some terrifying stories, did some breathing and discovered that I wasn’t totally alone. The Come Alive had been transformative in so many ways. However, back home, I suddenly felt even more alone. I had let down some of my armor and felt quite vulnerable. Without the circle of friends, I suddenly found myself doubting my experience and wondering if that place was just some odd little magical island that wasn’t the ‘real’ world at all!

Dianne & Me
Dianne & Me

There wasn’t a Haven Coaching program back then, nor Staying Alives. But I knew I had to talk to someone. I called the registrar, who was at the time, Dianne Anderson. Some of you might have heard of Dianne. She was with The Haven before it opened on Gabriola Island. During those days she was the only registrar, she also covered housekeeping and put everyone into their rooms. She had taken all the programs, had her Diploma in Counseling. When you spoke to Dianne you got straight goods. Well, I don’t that everyone did, but I did. She was really my first experience with a ‘coach’. When I called I wanted to tell how her incredibly lousy my life was back at home. She listened briefly, and then let me know she had other work to do. I quickly asked, “What should I do?”

Dianne pointed out that while she didn’t know me really well, she had seen me as someone who was courageous and was willing to meet people and connect. I started to say something about how that wasn’t really like me.

She stopped and said, “Maybe you hadn’t been, but I saw you operate that way for a week. How did you do that?”

I said, “The breathing helped. I felt more in my body and more open.”

“So have you continued with that?” she asked.

“Well…no.” I hesitantly admitted.

“Why not?” She asked with a humph.

“I’m afraid I’ll feel too much and start crying and not be able to stop.” It did sound odd, even to me, but that’s what popped out of me.

“Really? You actually seemed a bit tight to me. I am surprised just 10 minutes of breathing gets you crying, but maybe you are more loose than I thought.”

“Are you suggesting that I breathe for just ten minutes? I could do that.”

“Look, you have to start somewhere. Try breathing, lying down knees up, breath for 10 minutes. If you scare yourself – just stop. Call again after you have done that every day for a week.”

Now you need to know that Dianne wasn’t being paid to be my coach. So it was a five minute call. She wasn’t trying to uncover something or dive into my issues, she just offered a quick practical reminder of what I could do going forward that would help me feel more open and connected to me.

Dianne became a dear friend and coach of mine over the years. When I was stumbling and really felt like my life sucked and I was a victim to it, I would call her. She always listened and would reflect back what she heard. She would give me five minutes to complain about someone and was quick to ask, “What are you wanting to have happen, and what are you doing that is getting in your way of creating that?”

I never felt like she was against me, but I also never heard her take my side. She’d said, “Okay, I get it, life sucks, and what do you want to do about it? How are you going to respond and what are you doing that might be keeping you stuck?

Years later having taking a number of coaching programs, I realize Dianne was my first non-athletic coach. She helped me integrate all of the important lessons I learned at The Haven into my life. She used the communication model with me. She told me how she interpreted things and checked it out. She was curious. And maybe most importantly, she held be as able, meaning she assumed I could and would act on my own behalf and that I had the resources to find my own answers.

That is coaching, at it’s best, in my opinion.

It isn’t easy to be a part of something so profound and transformative and then go home to your life as it was before. It helped me to have someone who provided reminders and helped me begin the process of integrating new ways of being into my day-to-day life.

So I was excited to start the Haven Coaching program. It’s like providing everyone a chance to have a Dianne. Someone who really knows the value and the possibility that the models that are fundamental to The Haven can offer to your life. Someone to remind you that breathing isn’t just a “mattress event.” (You have to have gone to The Haven to get this reference!)  Someone to let you know how or if you might be getting in your own way. Someone who believes you are able and knows that you have the resources within you, even when you might forget. That to me is what a Haven Coach provides.

Just to let you know that I have been coached by each of these fine Haven coaches, and each was unique, but all offered me a fresh way of looking at a situation in my life and finding new ways to approach it. I am thrilled with this team and hope you might consider giving coaching a try! I did.