Category Archives: Uncategorized

Iron-Fisted Power Is Not Leadership

Many years ago my friend, Susa Holt, told me I had to meet CrisMarie Campbell, an Olympic rower.  I could hardly wait to hear first hand what it was like to be an Olympian!

Yet, when I asked CrisMarie about the Olympics, she almost bit my head off, saying “I don’t like to talk about that – I was a loser!”

I was a bit stunned.   I know all to well how our heroes are often the masters of self-hate!  Fortunately, I met her as she was just heading into a Come Alive, and I figured this was a ripe area for her to do some great work.

She did.  Over the years, I have been a witness to CrisMarie’s reclaiming her Olympian.

_I8P7019-EditShe now uses her rowing stories as great examples of the difference between simply a boat of champions, the 1988 Olympic boat,  and a Championship team, the 1987 World Champion silver medal boat.

Today is a new chapter.  Her collegiate and national team coach made the headlines this month.  His long tenure at the University of Washington ended when the current team of rowers challenged his leadership style.

Here is the link to the Seattle Times article:  Firing of UW Rowing Coach

CrisMarie caught the news and wanted to reach out to the rowers.  The headlines presented a story line that seemed to imply the biggest issue was “an age gap” between the coach and his rowers.  The paper even went so far as to imply may be the rowers were pampered.  Really?

Well, CrisMarie had a long history with Bob and wasn’t about to stay silent. She wrote an opinion letter to the sports editor of the Seattle Times. He opted not to publish it.

I like that CrisMarie spoke up.

I like that she reflected both the brilliance AND the iron-fisted misuse of power that is all to often called leadership.

Mostly I love that she challenged the real issue, Bob did not want feedback and that is simply not leadership.

Below is her opinion. It is one woman’s story and perspective.  Regular readers know, that I am a big believer that there is never one side to any story.

However, I also believe silence in the face of popularity and power are deadly in so many ways.

 CrisMarie’s Opinion Letter, December 11, 2015

I am compelled to speak because of the apparent prevailing opinion that Bob Ernst was an excellent coach who deserved a better send off. No doubt Bob made Washington rowing more successful; however, as a leader of people, he failed.

First let me speak to my own direct experience with Bob. I rowed at Washington from 1982-1986, won the ’84 and ‘85 National Championships, and was the ’85 stroke and Team Captain. I went on to a silver medal win at the 1987 World Championships and then to the 1988 Olympics – all with Bob as my coach. I was, by many people’s standards, a winning rower. I was strong, smart, disciplined and hard-working. I credit Bob with making me a successful rower.

Bob is brilliant and was a revolutionary rowing coach– but not because of his leadership style. While he advanced Washington and Women’s Rowing, both at the collegiate and national level, Bob was not an effective leader of people.

In my six years of rowing, I only lost two official competitive races, and yet I walked away feeling like a loser. Why is that? My experience with Bob was that I was only as good as my latest win on the water. His strategy included blaming rowers for losses, and when we did lose, treating us, I felt, as unworthy human beings. He also used ultimatums to drive compliance.

When I injured my back training for the Olympics I considered missing one practice of our regular “two-a-day” sessions.  Bob yelled: “either she’s in the boat every day or she’s not in the boat at all!” I got in the boat. While the choice to get in that boat was mine, it is important to underscore the power a coach has over team members to make them perform. And when we lost at the Olympics he blamed me for losing the race by getting in the boat with injuries. Really?

His pronouncement of blame was demoralizing in 1988, and I was shocked to hear him repeat it ten years later. When a coach or leader devalues the team his power becomes abusive and the coach ceases to lead.

As a result of my experience with Bob, I have dedicated my career to helping business leaders produce high performing teams that are both smart (“winning”) and healthy (people matter). Team success is often a result of the leader’s willingness to step out of the “command and control” style and get feedback from the team. This drives team engagement and better team results long-term.

In reading the details of what transpired with Bob and the team, he seemed unwilling to be either vulnerable or curious with the team. Bob could not find a way to use the conflict to create a better outcome both for the team and himself. It wasn’t the job of the UW Administrators to do that, it was his job as a leader.

Marlow Mizera, the coxswain who spoke up to Bob, is a hero of mine. She is a leader. She had the courage to stand up to the most powerful coach in Washington Rowing. These women wanted to give their coach feedback on the impact of his style; they wanted to work with him. Unfortunately, he was unwilling to lean in and hear the feedback, which is sad. They did something I wish I could have done 30 years ago.

This is not about an age gap between Bob and the new generation of rowers. This issue has gone on a long time – it’s about confusing iron-fisted power with leadership.

I do wonder if Bob had been willing to hang in, hear, and honor some honest feedback, whether he and the team could have turned this conflict into a win for both him and the Washington Women Rowers.

CrisMarie (aka Chris) Campbell  Co-founder of thrive! inc., works with leaders and their teams to transform conflict into innovative results. Her TEDx Talk is: Conflict – Use It, Don’t Defuse It!

 

Living It! – Join Us Sunday!

onlineslide-words-jumpingAll of you who follow my blog know that I have tremendous love and commitment to The Haven and the core programs there.  Indeed, I turned my life around there, and still after thirty years continue to learn, grow, and get my beliefs and stories challenged and expanded by leading and taking programs at The Haven.

However, as much as I love The Haven, it’s really not the place, the faculty, or all you folks who come to Haven that have been the reason my life is transformed.  Sure, I love being there with you all, but the bottom-line is that it wasn’t five days of a Come Alive or various month long programs that made me different.

No.  It’s an on-going, never-ending commitment to Living It – that makes the difference.

Learning is great.  Places that support and create a wonderful environment for exploring and discovering are awesome.  The Haven is certainly that place, but if you can’t take those lessons home or back to work, it’s just a wow! experience.  Nothing wrong with wow! But for me, the test is how I live what I learn everyday!

I often hear someone say in a program – “I can’t be like this back in the real world!!”  I challenge that idea because really Haven is the “real world.”  Still, I do understand that it is easier to try something new when you are outside of normal or familiar.  I would agree – The Haven and Gabriola are that for me.

I think the real work does come when you get home.  As I have often shared – fighting cancer was a hell of a lot easier than living beyond it!  There was a charge, a fight, and an easy choice when I was dealing with cancer.  When the fight stopped, it was harder to keep making choices for my own aliveness.  There’s a risk and an edge to that type of living.  Still, I do think it is what living is all about!

So if you took a Come Alive or a Phase and you have struggled to Live It  back in your ‘real world.’  Join Toby and myself to talk about that challenge.

Sunday – August 23 at 1PM PT on a webinar.  Register Now! You can also take the challenge of joining us for the new Living It Program starting Sept 10th.

Whatever you decide I would love to hear from you. How do you Live it, meaning how to you take what you learn and apply to yourself, your life, your relationships or your work? Tell me.

 

 

 

Come Alive – Self-Responsible Relational Living & Leading!

In May, CrisMarie and I had the chance to do a TEDx Talk: Conflict – Use It, Don’t Defuse It! right here  Whitefish.

It was a bucket list experience for me.  Yes, doing a TEDx talk was one piece of that, but being able to be on the stage with my life and work partner, CrisMarie, and sharing my own transformational experience from my first Come Alive at the Haven was the bucket list part.

When I arrived at the the Haven in 1984, I was dying.  When I left, I was awake and alive!  Of course, the journey really wasn’t a five day transformation. Yes, the tumors were gone, but that didn’t mean I had a clue how to keep living it!! What I did know was that something else was possible, and I wanted more of that!

I had an experience that woke me up to the possibility of living beyond my limiting story and circumstances.  In other words, I  was embracing the possibility of self-responsible relational living!  Now, that was, and is, a practice, and frankly, a spiritual one well worth pursuing!

That concept of embracing self responsibility was not easy.  I still have a quick twitch tendency to blame – either myself, others, God, or the universe.  That blame is an easy escape route from being connected to the world around me.  When I am unwilling to respond, I stay trapped in my reaction, or in a right/wrong place, and as a result, my world is isolated and quite small.

For me, the key was curiosity!  Getting out of that right/wrong trap is still a practice I have to embrace daily, however, now, it’s exciting and very enlivening!

The relational part took even longer to fully embrace and is big reason I was so thrilled to do our TEDx Talk: Conflict – Use It, Don’t Defuse It! together.  When you watch it you will see how relational it is. We start out personally. We make mistakes, sing a song, and a flub the very last line. It is funny and poignant. At least, we hope that is your experience in watching it.

To me, it was definitely real and relational.  It is that relational piece which  has made the lessons of Haven spiritual and sustaining.

Today, CrisMarie and I at thrive! inc., work with leaders and teams.  I am thrilled to be taking self-responsible relational living to self-responsible relational leadership!

I love that the roots of who we are in the world are grounded in that transformational experience I had years ago in a Come Alive. I also love that in many ways the concept is simple. Live and lead with vulnerability and curiosity – embrace our differences and use conflict to change/connect the world!

For me that is what Come Alive offers –  a wake up call to action.  A chance to change my world through surfacing conflict and using it as an energy source for transformation, creativity and innovation.

That is also the essence of becoming a self-responsible relational leader!

If you are stuck or frustrated in your life, I suggest taking a Come Alive!  Try on self-responsible relational living! Come join us for our Come Alive starting August 30, 2015.  (Next dates March 6-11, 2016)

And it if you are a leader, frustrated by your team’s results, give thrive! inc. a call and consider embracing self-responsible relational leadership!

Want to see the TEDx Talk Conflict – Use It, Don’t Defuse It!  Watch it, share and spread it! We think it is an idea worth spreading!

Finding Faith

A few weeks ago, Robin Williams took his life.  It was sad day and a tremendous loss.  Of course, it was Robin Williams, so the media was full of stories.  Most suicides or suicide attempts aren’t like that.  Most aren’t so public.

I spoke to someone recently who struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts; they were saying how scarey it was to hear that someone like Robin Williams killed himself.  They felt quite vulnerable since in their view he had so much and he still couldn’t stop himself.

All I kept think was how many times he had!

From what I have heard and read, Robin Williams fought those demons daily or quite regularly.  Seems to me there were many, many more times he chooses to live than too die. And he did finally lose that battle.

When you lick cancer once it’s consider a remarkable win.   Facing suicide over and over and choosing in – well that most count for something.

I told my friend this and they smiled.  They hadn’t thought of it like that and reported feeling better. I’m not sure if they will kill themselves. I hope not.

Still I do get it.  Life is unpredictable and sometimes painfully hard to endure.  Depression is a dark lonely place and choice seems far, far away when you are in it.

Still there is a choice.

I have wrestled myself with despair.  Not sure I’d call it is quite the same as depression.  But when I bump myself into that space it isn’t easy to shake.

I’ve run many miles and eaten a few too many bags of chips trying to numb my monster. Sometimes the numbing helps and the pain passes.  Sometimes I can take a wild ride and wonder if it wouldn’t be better to quit.

Under all that pain there seems to be a little girl who simply doesn’t always like how we as humans treat each other.  She doesn’t like playing the game just simply to win and often doesn’t really even get why that is so important.

It can be as simple as being accused of cheating at Ladies Golf League and suddenly I find myself spiraling.  Probably that seems so small.  But I joined the League to have fun and when it seems like the game is more about winning than relating, I can lose my faith.

I’ll get it back.  I generally rise after I fall.

But I get it.

When faith is lost – faith meaning the felt sense of the continuity of life or a knowing that I matter, we matter and we are connected.  When that is totally lost, it is hard to choose.  Hard to find a good enough reason to go on.

Until someone reminders me that some little words of wisdom I might offer made a difference – like how many times Robin Williams said yes to life instead of no – and that helps.

It restores my faith.

My demon, despair,  settles and I carry one.

 

Play-cation Time!

Though there have been many fun moments in my summer to date, I realize there has not been much in the way of ‘vacation’ time.

Now I want to start off by saying just the word, vacation is a bit of turn-off for me.  I don’t really have much of a desire to ‘vacate’ my life.  So instead I have decided to take a ‘play-cation’.  It just sounds better!

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We’re home for a Play-cation!

So what is a ‘play -cation’?

Well we, CrisMarie & I,  have decided we needed some rest and play together! We have each had some fun times separately.  CrisMarie went to New York for a family reunion and I stayed home and basically played lots of golf!  Both reported having lots of fun and a holiday of sort, but not together. Our other trips have either been training, workshops or work, so we really wanted some play & rest time together.

Initially we called our experiment a stay-cation, which I believe is a more familiar word for staying at home for a holiday.  We agreed we live in a magical spot so why travel.  Still stay-cation didn’t have the right vibe.  When we got to talking more about what we were each wanting it was clear we both wanted rest and play.

Now in a perfect world we would shut-off our devices.  That’s not happening but we have agreed to some periods of shutdowns and creating some boundaries around work or other usual distracts. (Mine is exercise – I have this need to run or work-out every day – this may sound healthy and sane; however, sometimes I can simply use exercise as a way to distract myself from settling, resting or even playing).

Of course there are other pressing things we ‘should’ be doing.  However, after a testy series of interchanges, we knew that even though we could push on, the disconnect and end results would not be worth it! So we paused and decided we need a play-cation!

We intent to use these next few days to reconnect, refresh and rejuvenate.  We’ve been working pretty hard and have lots on the schedule ahead. (Couples Alive, August 20-24!! and Come Alive August 25-30 – do join us, after some rest & play it will be very fun time!!)  But sometimes it’s just important to drop the agenda and play! Thus we are taking a play-cation!!

I’ll let you know how it goes!!  Who knows maybe I’ll even share some pictures!

 

Cancer, Let’s Talk

cancerI woke today to another request for support for a family forced to face the challenges of cancer.  I find myself a touch overwhelmed by the stream of people these days that are getting cancer, getting a cancer scare or dealing with the impact of a close friend or family member dying from cancer – over time or in a few short months.

Years ago I wrestled with cancer.  We fought. We talked. Cancer forced me to learn to relate.  To listen and discover possibilities in places that seemed too dark or too painful to consider exploring. Cancer forced me to look. It forced or invited me to do something radically different with my life.

I won’t say we were friends.  But I didn’t hate cancer.  We were relational in spite of our differences and I moved on.

Now though it seems cancer as come into my life again.  Not from the inside.  But from the outside.  All I know to do is try to stay curious.  It’s harder when it’s outside of me.  I don’t like witnessing the rampage.

So I write.  It’s all I can do.

Cancer, you and I have had some run ins.

I thought we worked it out.

I came to know you as a crazy, creative crack that let new light in

But it seems you have taken over

Every day it seems I get an email, a call or news that someone close has cancer or someone in their circle has cancer

It’s just not right

Why and how have you taken over?

Are you a friend, an enemy, an alien?

Are you trying to communicate?

If so – stop screaming.

I am still curious

But I don’t like your strategy

Too many good people are dropping

May be we as species are just not listening

And you keep screaming

But what do you want?

Oddly for all your pain and heartache

You seem to force community

People rally and relate when it comes to cancer

May be you have become a common enemy

One that impacts everyone touched

I know you forced me to connect to my world

To relate differently

Is that your plan?

Or are you simply out of control

Like I said I am still curious

Though more than slightly pissed.

These were the words that fell out today. I know they likely will not help anyone in the fight currently.  Yet I just had to write.  To ask for a cease fire.  Stop the war.

Is there any other way to learn to relate?  It seems we are either fighting each other on the outside or fighting ourselves inside.

Wars – inside and out.

There must be another way!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Travels and Where They Take Us To!

It's all in where you travel to!
It’s all in where you travel to!

Some people are travelers. They love going out into the world, seeing new places, learning new languages and discovering different cultures. When I see the photographs from other lands, I find myself curious and interested. However, I seem to be someone who is more inclined to travel the vast inner landscapes of the world.

For more than thirty years, a significant amount of my time has been spent sitting in a circle, listening to people reveal and share their stories. A majority of those circles have been in the same room. Sure there has been some refreshing of the carpet, the art on the walls and a new paint job. Plus, the ages and faces have changed over the years. But that circle has stayed the same.

For me, it has been the center of amazing journeys. The stories people share have taken me to dark caves, vast oceans, difficult interactions, impossible circumstances. The joys, sorrows, demons, and angels of those that come to the circle, are profound.

Out in the world, differences seem to be dividing us, separating us and there doesn’t seem to be a path to connect. Yet, whenever I arrive for the first night of a Come Alive at The Haven, I am reminded that we as human beings are innately relational. My experience has provided me with proof that people can, and do, find ways to courageously connect, even through immense pain and insurmountable differences.

Often someone will ask, “Why don’t you move the circle outside?” There are days where it would be quite wonderful to sit out on the land. Nature is an amazing healer and does often play a significant part for people during the breaks. However, I get sometimes it is the simple act of sitting, without distraction, in a circle that can lead to an opening that otherwise is all too easy to avoid, focused on the beauty of nature, we might miss the beauty of nature in another human being sitting right across from us.

Though we long to connect and relate, as adults, have too often learned to protect, guard and hold back. As people arrive the first night to the circle, it is clear that it takes time to relax that habitual armor.  Then someone throws open a door to their soul, sharing a long held pain that simply can not be kept hidden anymore, and we are off on a wild ride.

Whatever is presented is much like the picture travelogues. I see, hear, touch and deeply feel the rich, deep wonder of the human soul, longing to express, be seen, and be acknowledged. We are each invited to hear our own deep calling and response.

The sounds in the circle are never quite the same, yet there is a melody that plays through, and weaves each circle together to hold and reflect the wonders of being human. The journey is worth the effort, and always adds depth and new possibility to my own inner landscape.

Yes, I too am a traveler.

Here is a short video, click here to learn more about Come Alive at the Haven.

Empowering Yourself Through Crisis, Conflict & Change

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-photos-rainbow-over-yellow-brick-road-illustration-way-to-emerald-city-flowers-plants-to-left-right-image35011613So most everyone has heard of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Well, Dorothy’s story is a wonderful tale of Crisis, Conflict and Change.

She went through the three stage process that I call the path for turning “Oh Sh*t!” to “Aha!” – Empowering yourself through Crisis, Conflict and Change.

Dorothy seemed to be doing okay in Kansas, until a tornado suddenly ripped her from her stable world. Now, that tornado, and the experience of being flown to a new location was a definite crisis point!

When she arrived in this new land, she landed on a witch! Talk about potential conflict! It was clear this wasn’t Kansas and indeed there were lots of opportunities for facing fear, and dealing with conflict! Her travels took her down the yellow brick road and allowed her to discover new friends and have some very interesting interactions. Dealing with yet another witch, facing the flying monkeys and, though not mentioned in the story, traveling with friends, brings up all sorts of conflicting choices, and challenging conversations!

Finally, meeting Oz, discovering that he wasn’t quite the man she had been promised. He did though point her in the right direction and she soon learned that she wasn’t ever without the resources she needed. However, she did need to make a significant change. From looking outside herself, and relying on others to give her the answers, to leaning in to each new experience and relationship with courage and heart. Then and only then, would she know she had what she needed to get home.

We all have our own versions of Dorothy’s transformation. Some type of crisis that rips us from our normal state, and off we go on a journey.  Having to deal with the conflict that comes with looking inward and living outward. Meeting new friends, while letting go of the old ways of being. In the end, embracing change and our new self.

I have been on this journey many, many times. My cancer sagas, the childhood drama from victim to hero, landing back home as simply ordinary. My life no longer has quite the level of drama as Dorothy’s. Thank goodness

My travels have taught many lessons in how to take the journey, and some valuable tools for living and thriving, even through the pain and challenge of loss, setbacks and obstacles along the way. Now, I want to share with, and hopefully learn from, you as well. This 4-part FREE program called, Follow The Yellow Brick Road, empowering yourself through crisis, conflict and change! is a self-guided journey of discovery.

To learn the keys to successfully Follow The Yellow Brick Sign Up Below and get a daily email to each part of the journey.

The daily invitations create new ways of thinking, feeling and exploring your unique situation. Of course, as you go, you may discover you want support. If so, call me for a 20 minute FREE chat or consider taking the June workshop at The Haven, Living through Crisis, Conflict and Change – “Oh Sh*t” to “Aha”!

The Woo & The Wow! of Horses

CBP1001157Life is presenting me so many awesome new opportunities to LEAP and enjoy the thrill of learning something new.

Since I turned 50 (and let’s just say it wasn’t this year…), I have embarked on so many new and fun activities. Yes, it started with biking in Croatia and realizing how much I loved stretching myself.

Next, it was the Whitefish Ladies Golf League and taking a summer to invest in learning to appreciate slowing down and keeping my cool as I went through the process of being humbled week after week as our team stayed firmly in last place and my game improved much slower than I wanted. Next up, skiing and discovering the joy of dancing with the mountain.

In addition to the joy I found in sports, I also stepped out as a writer and coach. I started my book. Okay, that has yet to be completed, but… just starting is huge. I write a regular article for 406 Woman’s Business magazine.

I completed my Martha Beck Coach certification process and stepped up to present at the MBI Summit with CrisMarie.  It was magical and fun.

We walked away from the comfort of a corporate referral firm, to step out with out with own voice and brand, The Path to Great Results: Oh Sh*T! to Aha for Teams.

Many of these things have not been easy. Much like learning golf, stepping out, with our own voice and brand, has at times been humbling and not as easy as we had hoped.

In some ways it didn’t seem that much of a leap to sign up for a year of Equus Coaching. I got a nudge to apply, and so I did. Without any horse experience, other than a weekend workshop with Koelle Simpson, and no real clarity about how I was going to be using this training in my coaching, I knew something was calling. It was as if all the new things I had been jumping into, to find more of myself, were steps towards listening on a deeper level, and this Equus Coaching was a calling from some place in my center.

Truthfully, I was terrified when I arrived at the first in-person weekend to launch our journey. After being accepted to the program, I watched the training videos in preparation for the on site event, and fully realized I was soon going to be regularly interacting with these magnificent animals up close and very personal. One of the videos was about taking vitals, including temperatures…you know where…

I tried to remember that I had taken up skiing and done fairly well, even though I had been terrified of tree wells and falling. If I could do that, I could get comfortable with horses!

I had one crystal clear objective for the weekend: stay open, be willing to be vulnerable and play. Okay, may be that’s three objectives!

I soon learned that my reason for ‘joining up’ wasn’t about leadership or coaching. No, what I discovered was something I had lost or shut down a very long time ago. My little girl showed up. Not the guarded and defended girl who had learned to survive long ago, but the little girl who heard music and truly believed that all things were connected.

I don’t know if all people experience horses the way I do, but for me they sing. The music is beautiful and like something from another world. At first I spooked myself with the sounds. It wasn’t a sound I would expect from a 1000 plus pound animal. Yet consistently, I heard some version of the music with each of the horses I had the privilege to work with. As I let the music guide me, I soon discovered the music of other things – people and trees.

I have been told that I have the gift of sound – it is my language. Honestly, I never had a clue what that meant fully until I heard the music of the horses and began to discover the interconnected notes between all living things.

I also remembered hearing that music as a child. Out in nature, and with my grandmother when she was dying. I remembered shutting it down because no one else seemed to hear the music, and I didn’t want to be that different. Sharing the music seemed to bring with it more pain, and I decided it was best to stop listening. As a little girl it wasn’t easy when people would laugh at my stories of the music that seemed so loud and wonderful. Little did I know how hard it would be to remember, and what a joy it could be now!

It’s still all new, and now back home, the music isn’t quite as loud. Frankly, I am not really clear what journey I have stepped out on. I hope I will learn to listen and utilize the music. But mostly, I want to allow that little girl to play and not have to worry if no one else hears the same notes. She’s okay, and the horses are free to sing to me anytime they like!

For those who are not so into the “Woo,” no worries, I am also learning ways to relate to the horses, and discover how they are amazing mirrors of our emotional landscape and are very willing to connect when we are congruent and authentic in our communication. This I would call the Wow!

Yes, I still imagine as I go forward on this journey that bringing the horses into our work with leaders and teams is going to be one of the outcomes. I am also aware that the horses may be the pathway to building the community I have been seeking.

I don’t quite know what that will look like, but I met new friends and even now as we have scattered to our various places in the world, can hear the sounds and musical notes we each started to play together. I think there is much more to come on this adventure and I look forward to playing!  At some point I’ll be coaching with the horses and will be inviting folks interested to join me in a session.  Maybe you will hear the music as well or at least get the honor of an amazing mirror.

Of course if you want some coaching now you are welcome to give me a call.  No horses – but there still might be some magic!!

 

 

Remembering Ben

Okay I kept waiting for the right words, the best words.  Now months and months later I am heading to Ben Wong’s memorial service and finally I know the words aren’t ever going to be perfect.  That wasn’t our relationship.  But the words can be real and human.  So here’s the piece that I would like to share.  Just a little piece, remembering Ben.

Becoming Human After All

You told me you were going to live forever.
I get it.
Nobody does.
I felt the earth shift a bit the day you passed away
That bedrock I always knew was there
Suddenly gone

You told me you admired how I had picked being human over being special
It wasn’t easy
Special – has perks

Ben, I had this whole piece written while I was running.  This cool use of the lyrics of a song that was playing, it seemed like the perfect way to write a piece for you.

In my mind the story was one of realness, loving and loss.  Now it is jumble of words and pieces that don’t hold together.

Why am I such a better writer while running?

I keep waiting to write something meaningful and powerful about you, Ben
You changed my life
At least I did get to come and say good bye
Just you and me
Well mostly me – I think a lot of you had left already

I do though remember the last two times I saw you
At the birthday party
No words – just looking into your eyes
Had a moment when I wondered if that was enough
Others seemed to stay longer and talk
You & I just smiled and looked into each eyes for a moment or so
Still it was like swimming in the ocean
The depths
The joy
The sparkle
Much life
Though we all knew you were going

Then earlier in the year
Dancing
Sure you were a bit wobbly
I knew Jock wasn’t to sure dancing was a good idea
Still I saw a child in your eyes
A child wanting to just play, dance and be
I was very grateful for that last dance

Over the years there have been many miles between us
Your life was becoming one much smaller and quieter than mine
I hardly heard form you
Except through others who were over for tea
Or dinner, or something

Not sure why I never made it over often for tea
I did try a couple times
Usually you weren’t doing that well
Company wasn’t invited

Still I never questioned my connection
You had once doubted if I would ever really get that you loved me
At some point I did
That ground never needed to be covered again
Don’t know if you knew I loved you
You didn’t seem to know how many people did
Sure they loved BEN – but not Ben
The human Ben – the man behind the magic
Well I did

I liked that you were a bit of a mother hen, when the place was shutdown and it was just a very small group of us – or Jock off doing Jock things (not often but at times)
You actually seemed so vulnerable and real in those moments
Or when you’d get excited about something – like the big Winnie The Pooh stuffed animal you guys found as a Christmas gift
Or when you convinced me to take a Virginia Satir program
Or the Good Morning Vietnam T-shirt you bought back as a gift from your travel there
Many would have wondered why that t-shirt was so special
But I knew

May be I didn’t do so well at staying in touch
I assumed you’d know how much I loved you by how I lived my life
Taking the messages you offered and transforming the messy, crazy shit
Into something
Something human
Not heroic
Not grand or extraordinary
But simply human
Being human after all
That’s how much I loved you
I had/have the courage to be human after all

The pain
The sadness
The crazy
The cracked
The helpless
The victim
The joy
Ah yes – you helped me see the possibilities that come with being human

But I think I still wanted you to live forever
I wanted to know that bedrock never cracked, never crumbled
Yet you are gone
I am afloat

That which was solid is no more
But some how that which is in my heart remains
Not bedrock – pulsing, moving – loving
Holding on & Letting go
The best of being human after all