Category Archives: Life Experiences

Life Experiences

My 10,000 hours of Practice

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In Malcolm Caldwell’s book, Outliers, he talks about people who are masters in certain areas and that this level of mastery takes 10,000 hours of practice. This leaves me wondering what could I honestly say I have ‘mastered’ by this definition. I am known as someone who starts many things and gets to a certain level of ‘know-how’ and moves on. I doubt many would say I was looking to master anything.

That being said, I did recently attend a writing workshop and one of the facilitators offered a wonderful gem of wisdom. For all of us in the crowd, who would writing about our own life experiences, she said, “Your own life experience, well that is area you can each say you have 10,000 hours of experience in.” Therefore, I am a master of those stories. Writing them down is another skill all together – but it was good to know I at least have the hours covered to I have mastered the content of my book!

So indeed I have been writing down my stories. This is a slow process and not one I am prepared to share yet with the world wide web. However, I am beginning to tap into another potential area of mastery for myself. I think I could say I am a master in surviving.

First let’s look at the definition of survive.

v. sur·vived, sur·viv·ing, sur·vives
v.intr.
1. To remain alive or in existence.
2. To carry on despite hardships or trauma; persevere: families that were surviving in tents after the flood.
3. To remain functional or usable: I dropped the radio, but it survived.
v.tr.
1. To live longer than; outlive: She survived her husband by five years.
2. To live, persist, or remain usable through: plants that can survive frosts; a clock that survived a fall.
3. To cope with (a trauma or setback); persevere after: survived child abuse.

Indeed, I have ‘survivied’ a good deal longer than expected. The simple stories of this come from reviewing the years of dealing with cancer, (four times); there’s the ‘surviving’ child trauma (no need to go into details); then surviving ‘remembering the flashbacks’ etc.. from those younger years; also, there were my years as ‘only one of two white kids’ in my high school. I have a long list of these type of experiences. The one thing that I learned through all of that was: when faced with life or death, the best strategy is to be in the moment and access some sense of faith, well-being and humor, at least that has carried me through.

Even today, when my life is not really about that degree of drama, I can see the signs of my mastery when it comes to preparing for a colonscopy. I had to have one just recently. Those types of test bring up lots of things for me with my medical past dealing with cancer. So I do get myself into that life/death mentality and in that space, I shine. I find a way to take care of myself and be good at setting boundaries around what I need. I also am comfortable with the people I interact with. Meaning all the medical folks, the insurance folks, the people in the waiting room. Suddenly, I am at ease in this environment.

I am also good at coping with a setback. It is possible that without a setback I get a bit lost. I don’t like admitting to that. In many ways, I have been creative in ensuring that I regularly have enough drama in my life. I work with leaders and in organizations most often when they are in a crisis. At The Haven, the group work is primarily drawn from strong emotional events in people’s lives. I am am comfortable there.

In my own life, I struggle with the ordinary day-to-day. Generally speaking, I do my best work when pushed or at the last minute. I would really like to shift that. However, I first may need to really honor my ‘outlier’ skill set.

There may be a way to more creatively and consciously draw upon this skill set. Yes – I can honestly say I have 10,000 hours of practice in ‘surviving’ – remaining functional and useful against the odds. Yes, that was even how I got on my high basketball team. Not because I was a great basketball player but by selling my coach on how slow I was and that he needed that skill set. Indeed, survivial at it’s best. I knew I couldn’t out shoot or out run anyone on the court – but I also knew they needed someone to slow down the run-and-gun scorers – that was me.

I am good when things seem the darkest. I seem to see the stars in the blackest of nights. I like that about myself. Thus this blog is to honor my outlier skill set of surviving!!

Life Experiences, Uncategorized

Meltdown

I just started a coaching program with Martha Beck. I am a new cadet. I have mixed feelings about being back at the beginning. Part of me wants to tell everyone just how skilled I am and puff myself up as “been there done this already” person. Why? – because I am solidly in Square One of what Martha Beck calls her Change Cycle, and I am resisting like hell.

I signed up for this program when I was competent, confident consultant/coach/counselor. I signed up to enjoy the work that my partner had found so beneficial, and I wanted to join the tribe of folks she was finding so supportive and fun.

Yes, I signed up just to learn a few new things and may be start a coaching practice.

But no, that’s not what’s happened since. Martha talks about this idea of following your north star. In many ways I really do believe I have been there and done that. Problem though is that my north star keeps offering new possibilities. I sort knew that when I left living on Gabriola Island after 14 years to move back to Seattle and start a partnership and business with CrisMarie. I knew that when we packed up our business and home and moved to Montana to be a part of a spiritual community here. I had hints of another shift when we signed on as Table Group Consulting Principal to launch a stronger brand around some great simple business wisdom. In that moment, we let go of our business brand and aligned ourselves with others. I sort of knew we were shifting to make room for something that was coming. I just wasn’t sure what.

Then life started presenting a series of catalytic events (another Martha term for those things that throw you into the Change Cycle). First, our closest friends were suddenly no longer a good fit. That was a heartbreaking process for us all, I believe, and who knows if those fractures will ever heal. Next, we got clarity that even though we LOVE our boxer Bailey, he needs a different home. We travel too much and he is simply a dog that wants his people close by and a buddy who will play with him. Again my heart was/is broken, and we are looking for that perfect, forever home for him. Honestly, I can’t imagine not having him around – so I may be making this harder. Then came the real kicker, our business leader decided he needed to align the brand and business around his faith, which doesn’t fit for us. Suddenly, our plans to shift our business and our life direction was thrust upon us much faster than expected.

So instead of being a new cadet just interested in learning some new things about myself, I enter this new journey with a broken heart and a spinning compass (not sure where north is right now).

Martha uses a metaphor of a caterpillar changing to a butterfly in explaining her change process. The caterpillar gets a calling to make a cocoon, but honestly, one has to wonder if when she heads to the tree to start making that cocoon if she really has any idea what will happen once she’s in there.

Apparently, she turns to goo! That’s right. It’s really the only process like it in the living world of organisms. That caterpillar sets herself up for a major meltdown. Right now, I can relate. I feel a bit like goo. Plus, I don’t really want to go out into the world and connect. I want to hide inside even though it is a gorgeous day out there. I want to be angry at my friends, my business colleagues and even CrisMarie for suggesting Bailey isn’t a good fit. But the truth is, anger is simply a way to avoid what is really happening. I am being called to change – to sink into letting go of what’s been comfortable and secure and look inside and find my inner compass.

Sure, I want this to be easy. I want to figure out quickly who will be my new best friends and what our business will be called. I don’t want to feel the sorrow of saying good-bye to my buddy Bailey or the stabbing pain when I see his playful face on a flyer looking for a new home. I don’t want to feel the ache in my chest when I bump into someone who asks how my friend’s new book is coming, and I realize I have no idea because we aren’t talking anymore.

No, I don’t like this goo place. I want to escape. That sure would have been easier to do if I hadn’t signed up for this coaching program. Because now instead of simply being along to learn a few new things, I find myself living what I learning – goo and all.

It seems now, I can only hope in the end, I come out a butterfly!!

Life Experiences, Valuing Differences

A Crack – That is Letting the Light In

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Looks like I am going to be going back to my roots. My life is presenting me with many opportunities to test my own congruence about valuing differences and acceptance.

On a personal level I am having to re-define relationships because our differences are no longer open for dialogue and more about black/white and right/wrong. Of course, in this course of re-defining I am having to look at how I am holding on to my position or presenting what is important to me. In the past, I would say I have always been a bit like my boxer, Bailey. People know where I stand, and I can look tough. However, equally like Bailey, I am not nearly as tough as my bark.

I have been learning that indeed I am quite an open-heart-ed person, who cares more about the relationship than my own point of view. Most of my life I think I have covered up this softer side because I really did believe that a tough front would be safer and create less pain. If no one ever knew that I cared deeply, they would more likely give me an honest opinion. Plus, I grew up watching lots of strongly opinionated people sit around a dinner table and wrestle with politics, religion and various other intellectual challenges, and it seemed to me, the best at it, were the most opinionated and loudest. So I went that route.

Many years later, a few health challenges and lots of deep emotional de-armoring, I am realizing that there is indeed another path. One that isn’t easy for me but much more fulfilling and quite frankly, honest. That path is one of vulnerability and intimacy (into-to-me-see). The problem with the new path is that I often have a shaky voice and don’t sound quite as solid. Also I cry. I am not comfortable crying. Just doesn’t come easy. Plus, big tears for me is usually not so obvious to anyone else. Inside I am wailing, but outside I think I look a bit more tight.

Still, I like me better this way. I like being able to finally say to the world – I care more about you and I connecting, having an honest dialogue than I do about a truth, or any one opinion.

Of course, I am also learning that this is not a value that everyone has or is interested in considering. Some folks really are all about finding ‘a truth’ – or the ‘truth’.

I work in relationship to a very charismatic leader who has become quite respected for some very simple and practical wisdom when applied to business, teams and leadership. I love his message – well the message in the books. It seems he is becoming more interested in including his strong religious values as part of his message. He has a platform from which to speak and wants to speak about what matters most to him. On one level that is great. However, his religious beliefs are not mine. At first, I thought this wouldn’t be a problem. I respect differences and have always loved working with teams, people who are very different than me. However, I am getting the message that may be my belief – but not his. He believes in one truth and that truth quite clearly makes some people ‘wrong’ or eliminates the values of others. That’s not okay with me.

So now both on a personal and a professional level, I am being challenged to stand forth. To show up and not fight about these issues but to speak from my heart, my heart that feels a bit broken right now. Much like the Leonard Cohen lyrics, “a crack in anything is where the light gets in”, I believe this broken heart of mine is an opportunity to discover what is next for me. To find my own words and message.

I do have something to say about all this. The message is forming. When I am ready, I plan to step up and without the heavy armor of my past and say what I think. Sure my voice may crack and likely I will have some moist eyes (that you might just think are tight) but I will be strong – not tough – strong.

I do hope the message will be the one my life has been crafting since the beginning. Because I think I came into this world wanting to bridge differences, not knock them down. I think bridges are for crossing over and seeing what life is like from someone else’s perspective. Sure I have an opinion and it is quite likely a good one for me – but it isn’t the only one. That much I do know for sure.

Life Experiences

My Love of Music

Music is the sensational experience of the heart.

What does that mean? Well, I know that music is the one thing that gets inside my walls and leaves cracks that let in enough light to change my story and open new ways of thinking.

Music gets me moving even when I am convinced that I can’t move. Slowly a rhythm will get my head nodding or my feet tapping. Before too long I am up dancing.

Music reaches across languages. I can listen to music from around the world, never understanding one word but fully connecting on an emotional and physical level to a message that is universal.

When I think back over the years there are songs that mark many of the significant events of my life. Some happy, some sad, some joyful and some still filled with pain and heartache. However, when the music takes me back to the many stories of my life, it’s sort of like watching a film or reading a great book. I find my way through, the notes and the cords allow feelings to flow and I seem to be able to let go and just ride the waves.

Though I enjoy the present moment. I am glad I have the past at my disposal to drop into periodically. The past reminds me there are reasons for these aches, pains, wrinkles and scars. So I collect the music that makes it easier to draw from my past. Music makes the sticky spots much more creative and fluid.

So music is a sensual experience. I feel music through every cell in my body. Music dropped me into a deep sound sleep for some necessary surgery. Music kept me focused on the present and a future when chemotherapy was burning through my veins. Music kept me company when I was not sleeping due to some flashbacks from the past. Music cracks open my heart when I pretend I don’t care and get caught in my old armor.

I have a new playlist blasting into my ear buds now. I hadn’t really planned on writing about my love of music. Actually I was getting pretty down about my writing. So I plugged in my ear buds and sure enough my heart started pumping and my body rocking. So once again music provides that crack that lets just enough light in to get a new post completed!!

Life Experiences

Hunting Season – Really??

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I continue to struggle in terms of finding any regular time for blogging. There are so many reasons I could site for my lapse. We are very busy with work. I am traveling every week. Life in the here and now is simply too demanding for finding time to write. However, the truth is not much is sticking in my mind that seems worth sharing. In the moment life seems busy and important but when I sit down to share something with a broader audience, I am blank.

We are engaged in three quite large projects related to work. Two are with large companies that require us to say NDA’s (non-disclosure documents) meaning that even the interesting aspects of the work is best not included in my blog. The third project is interesting as well but we are just getting started and not really ready yet for prime time.

I guess I could write about the start of hunting season. Yes – in Montana that is a big deal. For me, basically it means pulling out everything orange I can find so that when I take the dogs out for a walk or run we are bright and obvious.

Hunting is one of those sports I simply don’t get. I had a cousin who was a bow hunter and I did come to believe that bow hunting is very, very different then using a rife. Plus he ate everything he killed. Somehow that made more sense to be. The skins on the floor and the heads mounted on the wall seem totally absurd to me. I have no doubt that are hunters out there that may be annoyed at my lack of understanding or support for their sport.

Hunting and car racing are sort in the same category for me. With auto racing I get the element of speed and risk. Flying around in a large metal machine has some clear challenges that might merit skills beyond the average Joe. But the fact this is such an incredible waste of fuel at a time when energy is an issue seems totally insane. Hunting – especially rife hunting – seems as crazy. Where’s the sport in aiming at an animal from so far away that the animal has no clue anything is happening and killing an opponent where the odds of your success are overwhelming. Wouldn’t it be more sporting to have to somehow face your opponent and use your own strength to kill it.

I am sure I am missing something. Still even as I sit here on my deck I hear rife rounds off in the distance. It isn’t rife hunting season yet so either someone is practicing or there is some illegal hunting going on. Personally I am rooting for deer, elk or quail.

I realize though that I live in a state that enjoys hunting season. I actually believe folks here at least attempt to make it a real sport. People actually really know how to use a gun or a bow. In general, I think most only kill what is allowed. Folks get a license and train younger kids how to stay safe while hunting.

I also have no doubt some things I believe and practice, others think are equally crazy. Still I stay a bit on my morale high ground because yoga, biking and personal growth groups don’t usually result in deaths. Still my righteousness is still just that. A way to stay separate. So all my desires for unity and oneness sort of go right out the window.

It’s hard staying open and compassionate to the choices of others. Especially during hunting season!

Life Experiences

Life Goes on

I realize it has been a long time since I last posted a blog. My last posting was in route to Portland to sit with my dear friend Jennifer and be with friends and her family. I doubt that I intended to stop writing until after Jennifer died; however, it seems that is what has happened. Jennifer died on August 28th. Still I have yet to start writing again.

The weeks since my visit have been extremely busy. I came home too opening night of The Nerd, our new local theater group’s summer production. CrisMarie was the female lead. The show ran for two long weekends. CrisMarie was awesome. We had family and friends through most of the run. I found myself totally caught up in entertaining, watching and supporting CrisMarie in her first major role.

In some ways it was odd because my heart was still heavy and I was very aware of jumping from one experience into quite a different one. Of course isn’t that how life usually goes.

Even now the show seems like a distant event. Because of the commitment CrisMarie made to fully participating in summer theater our work schedule was repositioned to take off just after the lights went down and the stage was dismantled. Plus with CrisMarie so alive and engaged I truly believe new doors and opportunities opened as a result. So now we have some very challenging and creative work engagements that are demanding and leaving very little space for dwelling or sentimentalizing about anything.

Again isn’t that the way life goes. If I want to live fully, with the brakes off, well there isn’t a lot of time for holding on to anything too long.

Life simply moves on.

Something sad happens. Something wonderful happens. I get engaged in work, in play, in whatever/whoever shows up that day. In many ways that works for me.

But today I am aware of just how busy I have been. There’s a frog that has settled in my throat and a tightness in my chest. Partially I am tired. I think also I am sad. There are many feelings that are running through. Some have been easier to let flow, others seem to get a little backed up.

I am hoping simply sharing something will bring me back to blogging and even feeling some of the lingering emotions that may be harder to let flow through. I think I stopped blogging (and likely feeling) because i thought somehow that would keep Jennifer with me longer.

Odd, the things we do to hold. I know when I have cried my connection to Jennifer has been the closest. However, with the tears has come the awareness that indeed she is gone. I can not hold on.

Life goes on.

Life Experiences

I Wonder – What Is Enlightenment?

What does it mean to be enlightened or awakened? I am asking myself this question because soon a yogi master, Shri Mahayogi, will visit our yoga studio at Jodi Petlin’s invitation.  Shri Mahayogi is a man who was enlightened at a young age. He has mastered all forms of yoga and various teachings. In preparation for his visit, I have been reading his book, Satori. This is a series of questions and answers from Shanghas that have taken place over the years.

I am enjoying a great deal of the book, though I still wonder about enlightenment. Personally, the closest person I have known who I consider enlightened is Ben Wong. I say this because he has a presence about him that is profound, and when I sit with him or witness him working with someone, my heart opens in resonance with his ability to locate himself and invite the other to be fully open. There is always a moment of deep connection.

But is that enlightenment? As I read, I am learning that to awaken is to tap into the true essence of who I am. This essence is not related to any physical, emotional or mental state that I may or may not reach, but is rather, a vibrational resonance that is universal to all religions, practices and states of being.

I can not say that I have found that resonance yet through my yoga practice. Although as I focus more on lessons and classes, I am finding that my alignment is improving and my heart is opening, which is quite interesting. I am experiencing an energetic shift in my being. Not always and I would not say regularly—but there is a subtle, steady shift. I find at times I am uncomfortable with the shifting. I feel more vulnerable. This is a good thing but not always a comfortable experience.

Is this enlightment? Or on the path? I do imagine it is a part of awakening. To be vulnerable and live in the world with an open heart sounds inviting and worthy of effort.

Still, is that really the essence of everything? I wonder.

Weeks Later—After meeting with Shri Mahayogi

The opportunity to meet and be with Shri Mahayogi was quite wonderful. He had a sweetness and sincerity about him with a deep resonance in open-hearted moments. Listening to his simple wisdom struck a note deep inside me and though I was not always certain of the meaning, I felt the warmth and possibility that transcends words.

A few bits that really rang true:

There is one truth. Many paths lead there.

It seems like some of us need to try many paths while others follow only one and that is where most of the problems start.  If we could just remember we are all heading to the same place and that all paths are possibilities.

Grace is a moment when immortal essence meets pure faith.

This was my experience, completely, at my first Come Alive when Ben’s music, Jock’s accupuncture needles, Father Jack’s holy oil and everyone’s faith touched my cells. Cancer—gone. Grace!

Find a guru (a bright light) and commit fully.

For me that guru came through my Haven experience. I came to that place and I fully committed. The light is bright and I am still on the path to relational enlightenment.

What to do when in conflict: Speak honestly and let go of the outcome or results.

This last one may be the least profound but the hardest for me to live day-to-day.

In summary: My path is not his. However, as I return to chopping wood and carrying water, Shri Mahayogi’s light is still bright and so is mine as a result!

Connecting, Life Experiences

To Attach Or To Differentiate

It seems there is a great debate happening out there between therapists in Couples Counseling about the importance of Attachment and Self-differentiation. Here’s a link to one summary.

I believe this debate is like trying to figure out which came first, the chicken or the egg. I have my favorite which speaks more to my own story rather than to any significant truth. I like self-differentiation; I like to think of myself a independent or at least autonomous. Maybe I came out of the womb that way.

When we were designing the Couples Alive series for The Haven with our colleagues, the idea of attachment surfaced in our discussions. I immediately felt my repulsion to the idea, resisting the possibility of someone dwelling on the first years of life as an explanation for any neurotic and irresponsible patterns I carried into adulthood. I felt quite righteous and opinionated about my fight for self-defining and resilience as the more important developmental tasks for aliveness and connection in relationships.

However, when one argues too strongly for a point of view, there is usually something under the surface that is driving the righteous position. So there is little doubt that is/was the case here.

Some would say I am not particularly curious and gracious when I have a strong opinion. However, I often do find myself—after the fight—thinking through the alternative position. With a bit of humility, I often come back to the table or at least arrive at another table having redefined my position, influenced by all that I had argued so strongly against.

It seems this is the case with Attachment vs. Differentiation. I still favor self-differentiation. However, having done some reading and mostly some soul-searching after direct feedback from my partner and friends, I now believe in the importance and prevalence of attachment in couples.

I hate to admit the more helpless aspects of my own personality. The truth is, when I look beneath the surface, I am quite a dependent person. I may look tough or present as though I am not bothered by people disliking me. Yet, I totally crumble if that disliking person is CrisMarie (my partner). If I am honest with myself though, it has been CrisMarie’s willingness to accept and love me in the face of my own self-hate that has illuminated a path to greater self-compassion. Does this mean she needs to always embrace some of my less-than-wonderful traits? No. It just means there are moments when I may ask her to simply remind me that she loves me and is okay with my over-attachment to her. Then we can get back to our self-defining, arguing and enjoyment of our differences. I am willing to offer her that same moment of suspended judgment, that precious space where we can go in our darkest moments, knowing someone is there.

I don’t often reveal those moments to the world, thus my strong position for self-differentiation. I may have survived and even thrived at times on my ability to fight back and stand strong in the face of opposition, making an “I” statement in the face of “we”. But I have learned equally as much about loving and thriving by asking to be held and saying, “I need you to simply accept me in this moment”.

In my view, there is no winner in the great debate between Attachment vs. Differentiation. Both have an important role to play in my aliveness, in my loving others, and in my most significant relationships.

Life Experiences

Post Phase

I find myself in the transition between being fully engaged in the Phase program at The Haven and re-engaging in my life back in Montana. I thought writing might help. Yet the words are not flowing and I don’t seem to have any focus.

I did go to yoga this morning. Was the first time I have been to an actual class for a while. Was great! I believe my ‘home’ practice though not as long or as intense has actually helped with my flexibility and alignment. I enjoyed the class and left committed to making the effort to go more frequently.

Now I sit trying to find the same flow in returning to my blog. I had intended to write more while at The Phase. However, between getting engaged with the group and finding time for biking, breathing and walking with Carole – I found yoga easier to maintain than blogging.

Maybe that is why today’s yoga class came easier then posting a new blog. I do want to get back to a regular online rhythm.

The Phase was awesome. We had a good group. As always there were some challenging moments. Yet on our last morning together I realized I felt a warm and rich connection with each of folks who had been on the journey.

For a month I had allowed myself to become fully engaged and the lives of the Phase folks My focus was on creating a space for exploration, discovering and learning. Indeed the work is rewarding. I do believe the experience was/is transformative for some and I always learn a great deal about myself and my level of aliveness. This year was no different.

Coming back home though can at times be a bit rocky. There isn’t as much structure to my world in Montana. Meals come at different times and instead of the choices being laid out in front of me, I am the one preparing what I want to eat. There are no set time to be in the office or writing blogs. There is a schedule to possible yoga classes which again may be the pull to downward dog and not blog posting.

I don’t like to think of myself as someone who ‘needs’ structure. However, being on Gabriola often reminds me of the creative possibilities that come from a framework.

May be it’s okay to take a few days to find my way back into my world. Taking it easy and finding simple ways to re-connect and trust that I will get through the transition.

In the mean time there’s always a hockey game (yes – I became a Canucks fan while on Gabriola) and a scheduled yoga class or two that will provide a path. Soon may be my blogs will provide deeper messages or at least be posted more regularly.

Connecting, Life Experiences

Finding All Of Me!!

I am thrilled to be writing this blog as a way of supporting CrisMarie’s adventure into teleseminars! Thursday she’ll be doing her first solo online seminar. She has decided to focus this one on her interpretation of The Haven’s selves model.

I can always use a reminder of the many ways I avoid accepting and living with all of me. My ideal self would love to think I have this model down. (What is there to learn?) But the truth is, my actual self often isn’t quite as ideal as I would like.

For CrisMarie, an Olympic athlete, I find her take on this model refreshing because she focuses on tapping back into the authentic self. Of course in the end, it’s really about accepting all parts of me.

If you are interested in joining the teleseminar please follow this link:  Join us on Thursday April 14,2011 at 2PM PST.