Life Experiences

Being a Grumpy-Faced Leader

Now this was a 'happy' face - and the brow still stands out!
This is a my happy face!

I have this face that apparently is incredibly transparent – or, at least, easy to read as angry, tight or intimidating.

I often get feedback that I seem annoyed or angry. It’s odd, because when I check inside, that usually isn’t what I am feeling. Don’t get me wrong. I can feel angry and annoyed, but generally, when I do…I will say something. In fact, you can actually count on me to tell you when I am angry or annoyed with you.

It’s been a challenge as a leader to deal effectively with this face. I have avoided taking the suggestions from a few folks to get Botox or work harder to be kind. I actually did look into the Botox, but after a bit of research, and the temporary nature of the results, I decided to simply live with the kickback of this face of mine.

The advise to work harder to be kind, though annoying in its assumption that I am not, was curious to me.  How does one jump from the assumption of grumpy-face to unkind person.

Honestly, I have found smiling, outwardly happy people some of the most unkind and judgmental people I know. So neither smiles nor a wrinkled brow seem to be an effective measure for kindness.

Back, though, to this leadership issue. Is it my role as a leader to have a kind friendly face?

If so, it is a strange measure of leadership. I do believe I need to learn to appreciate that my face can be a barrier to building strong relationships. As a result, I now give folks a heads up about the brow, and ask them to check in with me if they are imagining me to be happy, glad, sad or mad. The face may, and does, look about the same (see above photo) for any of those emotions especially if I am busy, deeply thinking, or intently listening. BTW, the photo was taken in a very happy moment for me. Surprised?

As for being intimidating, I can imagine that as a woman who often has a strong opinion, and tends to counter the majority view, I could be intimidating. When I am passionate about an idea, I am fairly intense and usually have collected a sound argument for my position. I actually enjoy a debate, and will frequently take in the opposing view.

What people may not know, is that I often expand my view and include valuable pieces of that information from others, after the conversation.  However, those left behind may or may not be aware of the significant influence they have had on me.

I have this assumption that folks will know that if I am passionate and engaging in a debate, I respect their views. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have bothered to do the research and come prepared. I have learned that this style isn’t always acceptable – especially as a woman leader.

It seems people prefer woman leaders to ask questions and gather input from others before speaking up. That’s not me. I have tried the style, it isn’t natural. Though, I can and do use it at times.

I wish a strong opinion wasn’t interpreted as a signal for lack of curiosity and genuine interest. I am actually very interested and intrigued when I am engaged with someone who will meet me at that contact point.

I imagine there are other grumpy-faced leaders out there. I also imagine there are others who are “too passionate” and/or “too persuasive.” It’s not easy presenting as strong and intimidating. Sometimes my insides are quite the opposite. However, I don’t find it easy to say “Ouch!” or “I’m scared.”

I have to admit, some of that comes from years of developing a style that keeps people away. It was helpful for some periods of my life. Now, it’s not really needed, but the scars and the wrinkles are not easy to erase. I’m also not sure as a leader, it’s in my best interest or my team’s to explain the history. I’m not afraid of that anymore, it just doesn’t seem that relevant.

Still, I do wonder if I cried easier or smiled more would I be a better leader….I doubt it.

Leadership isn’t about getting people to like my face or me. It is though, about not letting the distance my face or style may create, get in the way of building strong relationships that don’t get stopped on the surface or because of style differences.

Leadership means finding a way to bridge my grumpy-face gap, and make sure that my strong views don’t silence others. Sometimes, I wish I was a softer, nicer person, and maybe I am, it’s just not my going-in position.

If you are a grumpy-faced leader, or struggle with a style that gets you into trouble, I would love to hear from you.  I think my coaching niche might be helping grumpy-faced leaders bridge the gap and learn to embrace their grumpy-face style!

 

 

 

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The Woo & The Wow! of Horses

CBP1001157Life is presenting me so many awesome new opportunities to LEAP and enjoy the thrill of learning something new.

Since I turned 50 (and let’s just say it wasn’t this year…), I have embarked on so many new and fun activities. Yes, it started with biking in Croatia and realizing how much I loved stretching myself.

Next, it was the Whitefish Ladies Golf League and taking a summer to invest in learning to appreciate slowing down and keeping my cool as I went through the process of being humbled week after week as our team stayed firmly in last place and my game improved much slower than I wanted. Next up, skiing and discovering the joy of dancing with the mountain.

In addition to the joy I found in sports, I also stepped out as a writer and coach. I started my book. Okay, that has yet to be completed, but… just starting is huge. I write a regular article for 406 Woman’s Business magazine.

I completed my Martha Beck Coach certification process and stepped up to present at the MBI Summit with CrisMarie.  It was magical and fun.

We walked away from the comfort of a corporate referral firm, to step out with out with own voice and brand, The Path to Great Results: Oh Sh*T! to Aha for Teams.

Many of these things have not been easy. Much like learning golf, stepping out, with our own voice and brand, has at times been humbling and not as easy as we had hoped.

In some ways it didn’t seem that much of a leap to sign up for a year of Equus Coaching. I got a nudge to apply, and so I did. Without any horse experience, other than a weekend workshop with Koelle Simpson, and no real clarity about how I was going to be using this training in my coaching, I knew something was calling. It was as if all the new things I had been jumping into, to find more of myself, were steps towards listening on a deeper level, and this Equus Coaching was a calling from some place in my center.

Truthfully, I was terrified when I arrived at the first in-person weekend to launch our journey. After being accepted to the program, I watched the training videos in preparation for the on site event, and fully realized I was soon going to be regularly interacting with these magnificent animals up close and very personal. One of the videos was about taking vitals, including temperatures…you know where…

I tried to remember that I had taken up skiing and done fairly well, even though I had been terrified of tree wells and falling. If I could do that, I could get comfortable with horses!

I had one crystal clear objective for the weekend: stay open, be willing to be vulnerable and play. Okay, may be that’s three objectives!

I soon learned that my reason for ‘joining up’ wasn’t about leadership or coaching. No, what I discovered was something I had lost or shut down a very long time ago. My little girl showed up. Not the guarded and defended girl who had learned to survive long ago, but the little girl who heard music and truly believed that all things were connected.

I don’t know if all people experience horses the way I do, but for me they sing. The music is beautiful and like something from another world. At first I spooked myself with the sounds. It wasn’t a sound I would expect from a 1000 plus pound animal. Yet consistently, I heard some version of the music with each of the horses I had the privilege to work with. As I let the music guide me, I soon discovered the music of other things – people and trees.

I have been told that I have the gift of sound – it is my language. Honestly, I never had a clue what that meant fully until I heard the music of the horses and began to discover the interconnected notes between all living things.

I also remembered hearing that music as a child. Out in nature, and with my grandmother when she was dying. I remembered shutting it down because no one else seemed to hear the music, and I didn’t want to be that different. Sharing the music seemed to bring with it more pain, and I decided it was best to stop listening. As a little girl it wasn’t easy when people would laugh at my stories of the music that seemed so loud and wonderful. Little did I know how hard it would be to remember, and what a joy it could be now!

It’s still all new, and now back home, the music isn’t quite as loud. Frankly, I am not really clear what journey I have stepped out on. I hope I will learn to listen and utilize the music. But mostly, I want to allow that little girl to play and not have to worry if no one else hears the same notes. She’s okay, and the horses are free to sing to me anytime they like!

For those who are not so into the “Woo,” no worries, I am also learning ways to relate to the horses, and discover how they are amazing mirrors of our emotional landscape and are very willing to connect when we are congruent and authentic in our communication. This I would call the Wow!

Yes, I still imagine as I go forward on this journey that bringing the horses into our work with leaders and teams is going to be one of the outcomes. I am also aware that the horses may be the pathway to building the community I have been seeking.

I don’t quite know what that will look like, but I met new friends and even now as we have scattered to our various places in the world, can hear the sounds and musical notes we each started to play together. I think there is much more to come on this adventure and I look forward to playing!  At some point I’ll be coaching with the horses and will be inviting folks interested to join me in a session.  Maybe you will hear the music as well or at least get the honor of an amazing mirror.

Of course if you want some coaching now you are welcome to give me a call.  No horses – but there still might be some magic!!

 

 

Life Experiences

The Oh SH*T! to Aha Continues!

For the past twelve months (and it may be more but really who’s counting? Let’s just say, a long time!), we have been transforming our thrive! brand.  I know I have written about this saga at various stages.

Honestly, we have learned so much, and it’s not been as easy as we thought it would be and that is okay.

What I am most proud of is that the revived thrive! is truly a reflection of our own unique voice.  CrisMarie and I both, in very different ways, have lived through the voices of our teachers and mentors.

For me, that started at The Haven with Ben Wong, Jock McKeen and Joann Peterson.  That trio taught me how to be a person, how to relate, how to lead.  It’s hard not to simply keep using their models and leading their awesome core curriculum.  I imagine that will always be some part of my life and work. I hope so.  However, I think they would say, “Carry on, Susan, expand and include all you have learned.  Find your own voice!”

I do like learning.  So I have continued to find great teachers and learned so much from each of these masters.  It becomes easy to speak with their voice and believe my work is to magnify their message.  However, that just doesn’t feel right anymore.  For one thing, I naturally adjust and tweak their model to what works for me.  Integrating pieces and shifting and shaping the learning into my own message.

So it is time to stop delivering the message of other masters.  I have a message, crafted and build over many years of transforming my life – through cancer(s), beyond a victim’s stance around my history, rebuilding my life multiple times.  Indeed, here I go again.

One might wonder, if I am a master, how is I keep finding myself rebuilding and transforming?  Honestly, I think it is simply because that is what living fully is all about.  It is about seeking a vision or creating a new possibility or romance and having the courage to embark on a new path, knowing it’s not all bliss and happiness.

Our new thrive! model is so perfect for my life journey: Oh Sh*t! to Aha! – living and thriving through crisis, conflict and change – over and over again.

©thrive! 2014
©thrive! 2014

This model, more appropriately called, The Path to Great Results (CrisMarie’s influence) Oh Sh*T! to Aha! (my influence) applies to individuals, couples, teams and organizations.  I am excited about the various ways we are sharing our message.

We use our model for coaching, in our couples workshops with leaders and their teams, and now, I am building a workshop for individuals.  Yes, it’s fun, it’s creative and it’s not quite as easy as I thought it would be.  Indeed we are living through our own thrive! version of Oh Sh*t! to Aha!….again.

I imagine anyone reading this has had at least one of those moments either personally or professionally where you either say out loud or in your head, “Oh Sh*t! how did I get here and what do I do now?”

What is “Oh Sh*t!”

It’s a moment when what you are confronted with overwhelms your capacity to respond or even react in your usual way.  What’s worked before isn’t working now. It may be a good thing, but it doesn’t feel that way.  It certainly is not easy.

It takes courage to stay in that tension and unknown space.  We humans are too quick to defuse tension and compromise, hold back or bully our way through to something familiar and less uncomfortable.  But some events, some situations just don’t let us settle.

Why?

Because we were not meant to settle.  The human journey is one that humbles us and invites us to find new possibilities beyond our own individual beliefs and imagination.

Each of our lives is calling to us in some way and asking softly or loudly for us to surrender what we know to be true and consider something much bigger.  What we see, hear, taste, touch and smell is limited.  What is really possible is well beyond those physical restraints, and yet it’s not about separation, it’s about embodying that possibility in this physical home we have chosen.

Embodiment it is about being committed to, and grounded in, our physical experience, yet fully embracing the non-physical possibilities.  To embody the magic and possibility of being a spiritual being having a physical experience will allow us to utilize our Oh Sh*t! moments and transform all that learning and mastering into something new.

There are tools that make the journey easier and less bumpy.  These are what we share with our clients and in our programs.  We find them valuable.

And the Aha! comes when we are working together and people open and are willing to be fully responsible for themselves and curious in each other.  We can then hold the paradox of our physical separation and our spiritual oneness.  It’s not so much out of ashes that a Phoenix rises but out of wholeness – the good, the bad, the ugly and beautiful – that’s inclusion.

Want to learn more about our message and our model?

Visit our website, www.thriveinc.com or call for a coaching session, invite us to work with your team or come to my Living Through Crisis, Conflict and Change: Oh Sh*t! to Aha! at The Haven June 13-15, 2014.

Play in the mess and the magic of this human journey!

 

 

 

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Remembering Ben

Okay I kept waiting for the right words, the best words.  Now months and months later I am heading to Ben Wong’s memorial service and finally I know the words aren’t ever going to be perfect.  That wasn’t our relationship.  But the words can be real and human.  So here’s the piece that I would like to share.  Just a little piece, remembering Ben.

Becoming Human After All

You told me you were going to live forever.
I get it.
Nobody does.
I felt the earth shift a bit the day you passed away
That bedrock I always knew was there
Suddenly gone

You told me you admired how I had picked being human over being special
It wasn’t easy
Special – has perks

Ben, I had this whole piece written while I was running.  This cool use of the lyrics of a song that was playing, it seemed like the perfect way to write a piece for you.

In my mind the story was one of realness, loving and loss.  Now it is jumble of words and pieces that don’t hold together.

Why am I such a better writer while running?

I keep waiting to write something meaningful and powerful about you, Ben
You changed my life
At least I did get to come and say good bye
Just you and me
Well mostly me – I think a lot of you had left already

I do though remember the last two times I saw you
At the birthday party
No words – just looking into your eyes
Had a moment when I wondered if that was enough
Others seemed to stay longer and talk
You & I just smiled and looked into each eyes for a moment or so
Still it was like swimming in the ocean
The depths
The joy
The sparkle
Much life
Though we all knew you were going

Then earlier in the year
Dancing
Sure you were a bit wobbly
I knew Jock wasn’t to sure dancing was a good idea
Still I saw a child in your eyes
A child wanting to just play, dance and be
I was very grateful for that last dance

Over the years there have been many miles between us
Your life was becoming one much smaller and quieter than mine
I hardly heard form you
Except through others who were over for tea
Or dinner, or something

Not sure why I never made it over often for tea
I did try a couple times
Usually you weren’t doing that well
Company wasn’t invited

Still I never questioned my connection
You had once doubted if I would ever really get that you loved me
At some point I did
That ground never needed to be covered again
Don’t know if you knew I loved you
You didn’t seem to know how many people did
Sure they loved BEN – but not Ben
The human Ben – the man behind the magic
Well I did

I liked that you were a bit of a mother hen, when the place was shutdown and it was just a very small group of us – or Jock off doing Jock things (not often but at times)
You actually seemed so vulnerable and real in those moments
Or when you’d get excited about something – like the big Winnie The Pooh stuffed animal you guys found as a Christmas gift
Or when you convinced me to take a Virginia Satir program
Or the Good Morning Vietnam T-shirt you bought back as a gift from your travel there
Many would have wondered why that t-shirt was so special
But I knew

May be I didn’t do so well at staying in touch
I assumed you’d know how much I loved you by how I lived my life
Taking the messages you offered and transforming the messy, crazy shit
Into something
Something human
Not heroic
Not grand or extraordinary
But simply human
Being human after all
That’s how much I loved you
I had/have the courage to be human after all

The pain
The sadness
The crazy
The cracked
The helpless
The victim
The joy
Ah yes – you helped me see the possibilities that come with being human

But I think I still wanted you to live forever
I wanted to know that bedrock never cracked, never crumbled
Yet you are gone
I am afloat

That which was solid is no more
But some how that which is in my heart remains
Not bedrock – pulsing, moving – loving
Holding on & Letting go
The best of being human after all

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life Experiences

BE BRAVE: Reflections from An Emotional Body

CrisMarie with Martha Beck and Adam!
CrisMarie with Martha Beck and Adam!

 I am in my short window of wonder.  Having just returned from an amazing weekend in San Diego, at The Martha Beck Coaching Summit, feeling full from the connections, and wanting to hold on to the warmth and caring that was so visceral in each of the sessions: the dancing, the music, and the MBI team responsible for making it all happen.  I am full of gratitude. Yes, I want to hold on to it, and stay in that memory.

That is so like me as an Emotional Body.  Let’s just say it isn’t easy for me to really let all that loving in, and once I let it in, I can try to hold on a bit too tightly!  See, I am a touch skeptical, and often stay guarded, but not this past weekend.  I came wanting to be open, intending to step into each experience with an open heart and mind, especially as one of the breakout presenters who was invited to share something important in my world to such a willing and curious crowd.

Now, it wasn’t really my idea to present on the Six Body Types.  (That was CrisMarie’s brilliant idea with Jessica Steward nudging!)  It’s a fairly “Woo-Woo” subject.  However, the Six Body Types has been transformational for me.Not only have I understood myself much better, I have been able to use the tools, and the information, to bridge relationships that I know would have been lost without this material — both on a personal level and in my work with clients.

What was most interesting though was how easily people caught on to the information, and were able to recognize themselves and play with our material.In other situations, this information has often created agitation in people new to the language (and dare I say it, the frequency).  Not so at the Martha Beck Summit!

I was profoundly touched by the reception. 

Maybe it has been my own skepticism that has created the veil and made it hard to take this information out.Maybe it was the playful, fun way CrisMarie and I worked at translating the material into movie clips and stories. Maybe it was the great dance playlist we put together to move and shake our nervous energy (click here to hear my favorite: BRAVE!)  Maybe it was the room full of souls looking for, and excited about, finding ways of connecting and expanding to a space beyond the separation of our body minds and physicality.

I know from the other sessions I attended that it wasn’t unique to our own.  No, the weekend was playful, fun and full of a vast river of emotions.  There was magic and science, dance and stillness, joy and sorrow. 

What I liked best was that I didn’t shut down.  I found myself thriving and though revealed, vulnerable, and at times anxious, nervous and scared – I didn’t block my heart.  My heart stayed open, and I discovered many opened heart people around me!!

Maybe it is like that for you or others all the time, but that’s not been my path.  So I was thrilled!  I’d like to stay in this space a while – without attachment – another challenge for Emotional Bodies. 

I’m not sure if the window will stay open – next up, I’m celebrating the love of my life’s birthday and going to a celebration-of-life for one of my mentors, Bennett Wong, a founder of the Haven, who passed away this year.  These events will be filled with lots of emotions and lots of opportunities to toggle between thriving and just surviving – the blessing and curse for an Emotional Body like me!

To keep my heart open, I plan to check Facebook and follow the wonderful posting and sharing that is happening on the MBI Summit page.  However, my real wish is to take all that loving and embody it in all that comes next. 

I know it means having to let go of holding on to what was awesome.  My inner Lilo (Lilo click to see Emotional Body Movie clip) knows though that I won’t forget – no I remember everyone that leaves – however, these days even when the physical bodies are far, far away – the oneness touched is always available!

P.S.  For those reading this that know nothing about the Six Body Types feel free to visit our website and check our online assessment or give us a call. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Bucket List – Check!

We Made It!
We Made It!

Seven years ago at a workshop in Santa Fe, I met a woman who had learned to ski when she was fifty. I loved hearing her story because she hadn’t ever skied and decided to learn for her fiftieth birthday. She took two weeks off to go and ski every day at a resort. I loved her story, was inspired and intrigued.

Fast forward to 2008, us moving to Whitefish, MT and living with a wondrous ski resort right up the street. I remembered her story and right away wanted to take up skiing. But no. It didn’t happen like that. As the winters went by, there were all sorts of reasons I did not learn. I had knee injury and knee surgery. I was working too much and no time. It was too expensive. On and on. Underlying all the reasons and excuses, I really wasn’t very confident that I would or could learn. Then someone told me about skinning up the mountain and skiing down. It sounded so awesome. As an avid biker, my love is climbing, so this skinning idea was just what I needed. Great exercise and something that didn’t involve lift tickets, fancy ski gear and played to what were my strengths – going uphill!

Now I really wanted to skin up the mountain. But that did mean I had to be able to ski well enough to ski back down. So there were some more stalls in my plan. Until CrisMarie simply stepped in with her Christmas present: a private ski lesson, pre-scheduled for December 26. Suddenly, there was no excuse.

I went, and I was hooked. It wasn’t pretty, but I started to get the basics. I went back and practiced on the beginner slopes, worked my way up to immediate runs and finally the runs from the summit. I was ready to skin up. I called a friend, Traci Stolte, who is a pro at skinning and has one of the most positive attitudes I know and asked if she would take me out for my first skinning experience. She agreed!

The first date set was icy and horrible and we didn’t go. I thought for sure I was going to miss my window as the temperatures warmed up and we were getting busy with work. But I scheduled another opportunity, rented the skins and skis and got my butt to the meeting point.

Now, I will say skinning up that mountain was hard. Like I mentioned, I like biking up mountains, and I imagined it might be similar. But honestly, it was much harder. I got a blisters from the rental boots and was a touch humbled by the speed and quickness of my follow skinners. Traci had invited another newbie skier, Laurie, like me, to join our expedition. I had not problems with that. In truth, I think we helped each other along the way when Traci was easily going up, up, up – we’d take a break and complain about our blisters or share some tidbit about our lives that allowed one of us to catch our breath (usually me, but she graciously said she needed the break as well) and off we’d go, back up the mountain. Yes, I thought about dropping off and just skiing back down. But no, I did not stop. Instead, I humbly acknowledged that this skinning was hard and put one foot (well ski) in front of the other and kept going. I learned and I found my rhythm (which involved various stops along the way). I made it to the summit!

I was thrilled!

That thrill was awesome and lasted minutes. I soon discovered that skiing back down with my longer, heavier skis and tired legs was – well- let’s just say, not the picture of grace I had imagined. Traci and Laurie were great. They would ski down a ways and wait for me when I took a fall or two (okay three) and struggled to get back up. It was so like my life. Not pretty, but determined. Again humbling, but I was also proud of myself. I did it! Up and down!

I felt like a rock star when I took those skis off.

I will hope for a more graceful experience when I do it again. But right now I want to acknowledge my victory and enjoy checking learning to skin and ski off my bucket list.  Thanks Traci, Laurie, Linda (my ski instructor) and pf course CrisMarie who got me that lesson!!

 

Connection

Stepping Out With My “Woo!”

Our Woo Material for The SummitThere are so many things on my To Do List for today.  Writing a post was not one of them, but it just seems like the right thing to do.

Next week we’ll be at the Martha Beck Coaches Summit in San Diego with about 500 other coaches!  I went two years ago and it was an amazing experience.  I don’t even like large crowds of people and especially if I have any inkling that there’s some sort of ‘follow-the guru’ thing happening.  I admit last time I was suspicious.

However, though Martha has been the magnet for many of the folks attending, the magic is that it isn’t really about ‘following’ Martha.  Yes, each coach is grounded in the fundamentals that she teaches.  But, frankly, her style is to lovingly push you out of the nest so that you can find your own set of wings.

So, yes, Martha is present and offers her unique brand of science, wisdom and humor each day.  However, most of the day involves workshops and talks presented by Coaches around how they are living this work.  What sold me last time was both the grounded, solid and quirky nature of Martha and the unique mastery of those presenting who clearly have found their own voice and bodies of work.  It was inspiring!

So inspiring, that we decided to totally shift our own way of working.  We started thrive! inc. in 2002, with our own unique voice and way of working with leaders and teams.  Along the way we took a express highway that did help us develop and grow in the corporate world but may have dampened our own brand and voice.  It was fun riding in the express lane; however, the Summit and our own individual journeys becoming MB coaches (CrisMarie is a Master Coach as well) brought back a yearning to return to our own voice and message.

We have each done the work of many masters.  We have also each integrated and weaved our own unique spin on all we have learned.  Finding our voice over this past year hasn’t always been easy or particularly successful by our express lane measures.  However, it has been so worth it.

This time at the Summit we are presenting.  We decided to offer a workshop in our most “Woo-Woo” material.  I have to admit I wanted to do something that I was more comfortable and confident delivering.  Maybe that is why I am the Certified Coach and CrisMarie is the Master.  She insisted on putting in the Six Body Types as our offering. She was right. Let’s go for the “Woo!”

Building and creating this presentation and material for delivery as been rich.  I realize I often step away from exposing my own “Woo-Woo” nature.  Since I was very young I have had experiences that just didn’t seem to translate well in the mainstream.  I learned to keep that stuff to myself.  What has been the most profound learning from Martha Beck and the tribe is that “Woo” and science can and do mix.  In fact, being the odd duck is actually not just okay – but cool!

I admit, I’m nervous about the Summit.  Well, excited and nervous.  I am looking forward to being with like-minded friends and colleagues.  I am looking forward to learning and participating in the many wonderous offerings.  I am scared silly about stepping out and revealing to a larger audience my own voice and my way of finding resilience in this crazy, cracked world that really isn’t what it appears to be on the surface at all!

 

 

 

 

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Human After All – Sad & Mad

I find myself wanting to be in a circle of my friends.  Instead I am sitting alone, listening to music and watching the snow fall. Tears roll freely as read the many words of loving for Ernie, now gone from this physical world.  I know I wrote over a week ago that I was ready to let him go.  Yet today, learning that he indeed he has moved on – I am very sad.  My heart a bit cracked.   Heart Cracked

And – I am a bit angry.  Angry at crazy, cracked cancer.  That is a big difference between me and Ernie.  As far as I know he was never angry about his cancer.  I was.  Of course I know all the things I should think – it’s an opportunity, it’s an opening and what a wonderful experience of loving for all that were with him who shared and provided so much love.  Indeed all that is there.  But right now I am having a rush of pissed, angry and furious feelings.  Because Ernie was a damn good guy – as his brother put it so beautifully in a note out to folks – “Ernie was the most loved person I know”.  It’s true, since I last wrote about what seemed like his final day, a week unfolded with loved ones by his side (and Cathy’s) and people coming and creating circles of loving, music, tears, laughter and silence, much like the work he loved and so wanted to continue.  So that part is wonderful.

But – why did someone like Ernie have to go so fast.  I am not even going to pretend to answer that.  There is no answer that works or seems anything less than shallow.  I can not stand the, “It must have been his time” or “God has a reason’”  Well, I call BS.  There just is not a right answer to a question like that.  My better higher self does believe in both the physical and non-physical and that as a spirit having a physical experience, we do go back.  Truth is most of this past week I strongly felt and experienced the wondrous, hugh nature of Ernie’s spirit, free from that tight ties of his physical body.  Colorful, expansive and mystical sounds accompanied me throughout my day and I believe many, many others he knew.  I imagine this was his way of giving as many as he could a kiss good-bye.

Yes, some part of me believes all that.  Another part of me is in deeply sad and mad that another dear friend has moved on. Sad that I must say again, good-bye my friend!  .

Looks like the snow has stopped – maybe I’ll head to the mountain.  May be I’ll get a last taste of the flight of Ernie – now high above the gravity and weight of this world.  Love you, Ernie!

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Tears of Joy & Sorrow

A couple of days ago I sat looking at a wonderful wedding album of friends who had recently been legally married after thirty years of living and loving together.  As I scrolled through the online album of so many friends and so much joy, my heart was full.  Tears of joy flowed.

One of those Miracle Moments with Ernie!
One of those Miracle Moments with Ernie!

As I was enjoying that moment an email came in from another dear friend Cathy who I had been thinking a lot about.  I opened the email and the news was not good.  She let me know my intuitive nudges were sharp, her husband and another dear friend, Ernie McNally, was not doing well.  Ernie has been dealing with a brain tumor for a couple years now.  We’ve been hoping for a living type miracle and frankly, some of the moments Ernie has shared with so many of us on this journey have been just that.  Now it seems those type of miracles are shifting, and he is shifting to more non-physical than physical – a different type of miracle is underway.

I sat silently as tears rolled down my cheek.  The moment was powerful, because I was still so in touch with the joy of the living and loving of my friends’ wedding, and now the sorrow of the impending passing of a wonderful spirit moving on.

My tears were filled with joy and sorrow.

I will miss Ernie.  We had some very powerful interactions.  In some ways we are so very different, and yet under the surface, I believe, we each share a passion and intensity for life that is quite rich.  Ernie challenged me.  He was so openly big-hearted.  His way with people was like a long, warm hug.  Mine – well, not so much like that.  Sometimes I wanted to see more of the fire in his belly, AND I feel fortunate that he always was willing to go to that edge with me.  We wrestled with our differences, and I learned to trust his hug. I think he learned to trust my directness and intensity.  Neither was our natural path.

I wrestle with a desire to go and say good-bye, but I know his home is filled with so many friends and family that the my presence, though nice for me, isn’t what seems quite right.  I will connect with Ernie a different way on his current journey. I know the space between the physical and non-physical world.  As people travel, I can easily connect to those who are open to that possibility.  So today, I am sitting and enjoying some of tunes I know we both love.  I can see his spirit expanding and all that intensity is radiate.  So I don’t need to say good-bye in person.

Yes, I will miss my friend.  I will miss his mentoring when I am too reactive and need someone to meet me there and talk me off the ledge.  But I am grateful he isn’t going to have to live much longer in his physical body, that simply isn’t able or willing to carry him to the places and spaces he so loves any longer.

Ernie, fly my friend.  I know this is hardest for Cathy and indeed her loss of you is monumental. Just know – We got this!   You can go and fly free now.  Your kindness and generous spirit will not die, and we will hold and make a soft place for Cathy to land as she finds her footing without you by her side in this physical world.

Life is such a tapestry of joy and sorrow.  Filled with moments so special – like a wedding long overdue and a death that just seemed to have come a bit to soon.

The tears of joy and sorrow flow freely as I connect to my friends.

 

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Why I Am a Seahawk Fan!

I am thrilled that the Seattle Seahawks won the Superbowl!!1518455_10152029698036263_1031363652_o

I won’t be in Seattle today for parade and celebrations, but I can only imagine how alive and energizing that will be.  The last time Seattle won a national title I was there.  But unlike the FOX news report stated, it wasn’t 1979 – no, the Seattle Storm, Women’s NBA team took the title in 2010 and 2004.  Boy, I was disappointed that FOX omitted the women’s accomplishments, but that is not the point of today’s post.

No, I love the Seahawks because as a team, they are doing something very different.  For anyone who didn’t catch the ESPN Sports Illustrated Article in August 2013, let me just share, that the Seahawks are modeling everything I believe (and consult about) to be true about teams.

If you want people to play together, you need to stop treating them like objects, let them be whole people, meaning bring their full-selves to what they do: mind, body, emotion and spirit.  Teams are greatest when there are diverse personalities, open dialogue, healthy conflict and clarity around vision.  That is true in sports, it’s true in business, in organizations of every kind – even in couples and families.

What the Seahawks have created is a Smart and Healthy team and organization.  Now they have a championship title to endorse this approach.  I am hoping that Superbowl title will get people to see that being a whole person instead of just a useful object and leaning in to differences and healthy conflict not only makes life and work more fulfilling but creates great results!

Even on a personal note, this Seattle Seahawk season has been significant.  Yes, I’ve been a Seahawk fan since I lived in Seattle and enjoyed the last run to the Superbowl in 2006.  But this year my entire family have become Seahawks fans.  Now that may not seem like a big deal, but let me just say, we have not agreed on many things.  Plus, I would definitely say my family is known more for it’s intellectual milestones than its athletic ones.

However, our differences did not fracture us.  We got some great support when we were at odds and not speaking.  We were offered a different path, one where each of us could be whole and valued.  So instead of letting those differences tear us a part, we learned to respect each others story and find a new common ground. That wasn’t easy, and it took courage on the part of everyone.  No, there were no big parades or celebrations for our family effort.  Still, in terms of AHA! Moments and life changing efforts, our family work was as good as it gets in terms of ROI.

In some ways, this Seahawk season has been an odd collective journey for us.  Everyone in my family has been wearing Seahawk gear and watching all the games. We talk about our favorite players and don’t always agree on who’s best or how to support the team.  No, we are still quite different in our styles and opinions.  We all have different reasons for loving the Seahawks and that just seems to fit.

The Seahawks aren’t made up of just one type of personality  – neither are we.  Oddly, it is those differences and the respect for those differences that makes the Seahawks and us great!

I’ll just end by saying:

Whole People (body, mind spirit & emotions) + Whole Teams (Healthy Conflict) = Great Results!

It’s not easy but it is worthwhile it in so many ways!!

Congratulations Hawks!

with Susan Clarke