Life Experiences

Another Living Alive Phase Winding Down

ImageI’m sitting here in the lodge at The Haven on Gabriola Island.  It’s rainy out and I have a bit of free time.  That is so rare when I am here.

I am leading the Living Alive Phase 1 program and we are approaching the end.  It’s been another amazing journey.  As always moments of wondering why the hell I keep doing this, mixed with many more moments of deep joy in being a part of a program that invites individual transformation through being a part of a community.

Over the years there have been some changes but the essence I believe remains anchored to the same core values and models.  The key being self-responsible relational living.

The Haven has always been a place built around the idea that we all have choice in how we respond to our world.  When we recognize and own our choices there is a fullness to life that is absent when we remain trapped in believing we are helpless or a victim to circumstances.  Having said that, we are also relational so there are consequences to our choices. We do impact the world around us.  This does create tension.  It also creates possibility and purpose.  To be both self-responsible and relational makes life incredibly rich and limitless.

It also makes life very hard at times.  Sense we are each creating our own reactions and responses to our interactions there isn’t a rule book or a right/wrong answer.  Yes I have a filtering system designed by my context, my history, my significant emotional events and my culture etc.., but it is not the ‘right’ context, it is simply mine.  The nature of who we are and how we gather information and make meaning is complex and unique.  It is simply impossible for there to be one truth, one reality, one right way.  We choose. Oddly to make it meaningful we need to fully commit and embrace what we believe.  Our mental, emotional and spiritual health depends on embracing a truth, a purpose and defining ourselves based on some set of values we hold dear.

Thus the relational aspect of living is tricky.  How can I relate compassionately AND remain committed to my path, my choices.  I believe that is the source of my greatest joys and pains on this human journey.  So often I do get caught thinking I know what is right (and not just for me).  I do scream in despair (sometimes out loud, sometimes silently) when I witness someone making a choice I think shuts down connection or worse seems to create a great deal of suffering or pain.  In my righteous place I too am closed and sometimes it’s not easy to decide to simply feel and acknowledge my despair without a need to have the other change.  However, when I do I know I am once again back home.

Riding the waves of self-defining and relating  is what living is all about. It’s also why I find this program so frustrating, exciting, joyful, painful and one that I continue to find transformational.  It was transformational, over 25  years ago when I took it as a participant and has been each time since, as an intern, an assistant and now for many years as a leader

That’s special.  That’s worth the long hours and the effort.  Today it’s nice to reflect and share just why this part of my journey matters! Yes, I’ll be glad to get home AND I think I will be a better person, partner and community member having had the month to continue learning, growing and exploring!

 

 

 

Life Experiences

Healing Broken Bridges: The Magic of Haven

Communication bridges different worlds, beginning with one person at a time!

ImageI learned this at The Haven, and frankly, I have The Haven to thank for being able to spend a few precious hours with my dad this past weekend, knowing it may be the last conversation we’ll have.

Maybe some of you can relate to my relationship to my dad.   There was a time when there was a chasm between us that seemed impossible to bridge.

We had, what seemed like, irreconcilable differences about the past. For ten years, I broke off communication with my parents.

Hopefully, the differences you may have with key people in your life have not created that level of separation. Honestly, I never thought we’d find a path back. There did not seem to be a bridge that could span that far!

It was at The Haven that courageous work, on the part of each of my family members, took place. We gathered there to meet, and gain some valuable assistance, and tools for communicating with each other. With curiosity, empathy, and a willingness to acknowledge each of our radically different realities, without shutting down, cutting off, or getting caught in right or wrong, we agreed to connect and move on together.

Since then, we’ve had some great times and some difficult ones.  What’s made the difference, and sustained the bridge for me, is going back to the communication model and practices, such as breath, and owning whatever feeling I am having. Plus, developing the ability to make a choice on how I want to react, or respond, to what someone is saying, is very empowering.

Fast forward to this visit with Dad, maybe because it was possibly one of our last face-to-face conversations, I had to ask, “What’s left unsaid?” Well, my dad went right back to one of our biggest and most painful differences! Grrrr!

I caught myself before I flared too much.  I paused and took a breath. I reflected on what I thought he was communicating, and checked in to see if I understood.  That gave me a moment to calm down. Then, I could share how I was thinking and feeling.

Things did get a bit heated. We went back and forth, and it wasn’t pretty or comfortable.  But, we finally did get to the critical sticking points, and it was a conversation we had to have.  No, we didn’t resolve the difference, but we each walked on the bridge built between us, and visited the others’ unique world with compassion and heart.

I left so grateful to each of us for showing up and hanging in.  I left knowing we had left nothing unsaid and were better for it.

It was a deeply spiritual and profound moment in my life.

I am grateful for my experience at The Haven, which taught me how to do something I couldn’t do before. I learned amazing tools and practices there. I now integrate all these tools, and experiences, in the transformative work that I do, yes, at the Haven, leading the Living Alive Phase I, Come Alive and Couples Alive, but also in my one-on-one coaching with individuals, and consulting work with teams.

Soon, I will be heading to The Haven to lead the Living Alive Phase I, starting October 10, 2014.  There’s still space.  I never totally get why this program doesn’t fill up early.  It is the most affordable way to transform one’s life. It transformed mine. I am still experiencing the ROI 29 years later.

I would be upset with myself if I did not reach out and invite anyone who lives, as I did, behind walls, with broken bridges between people they care about, to check out The Haven.  Come join me I’d love share with you what I have learned and help you rebuild bridges in your life. It’s totally worth it!

The conversations with my Dad….priceless.

Thank you Haven!

 

 

 

 

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Finding Faith

A few weeks ago, Robin Williams took his life.  It was sad day and a tremendous loss.  Of course, it was Robin Williams, so the media was full of stories.  Most suicides or suicide attempts aren’t like that.  Most aren’t so public.

I spoke to someone recently who struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts; they were saying how scarey it was to hear that someone like Robin Williams killed himself.  They felt quite vulnerable since in their view he had so much and he still couldn’t stop himself.

All I kept think was how many times he had!

From what I have heard and read, Robin Williams fought those demons daily or quite regularly.  Seems to me there were many, many more times he chooses to live than too die. And he did finally lose that battle.

When you lick cancer once it’s consider a remarkable win.   Facing suicide over and over and choosing in – well that most count for something.

I told my friend this and they smiled.  They hadn’t thought of it like that and reported feeling better. I’m not sure if they will kill themselves. I hope not.

Still I do get it.  Life is unpredictable and sometimes painfully hard to endure.  Depression is a dark lonely place and choice seems far, far away when you are in it.

Still there is a choice.

I have wrestled myself with despair.  Not sure I’d call it is quite the same as depression.  But when I bump myself into that space it isn’t easy to shake.

I’ve run many miles and eaten a few too many bags of chips trying to numb my monster. Sometimes the numbing helps and the pain passes.  Sometimes I can take a wild ride and wonder if it wouldn’t be better to quit.

Under all that pain there seems to be a little girl who simply doesn’t always like how we as humans treat each other.  She doesn’t like playing the game just simply to win and often doesn’t really even get why that is so important.

It can be as simple as being accused of cheating at Ladies Golf League and suddenly I find myself spiraling.  Probably that seems so small.  But I joined the League to have fun and when it seems like the game is more about winning than relating, I can lose my faith.

I’ll get it back.  I generally rise after I fall.

But I get it.

When faith is lost – faith meaning the felt sense of the continuity of life or a knowing that I matter, we matter and we are connected.  When that is totally lost, it is hard to choose.  Hard to find a good enough reason to go on.

Until someone reminders me that some little words of wisdom I might offer made a difference – like how many times Robin Williams said yes to life instead of no – and that helps.

It restores my faith.

My demon, despair,  settles and I carry one.

 

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Play-cation Time!

Though there have been many fun moments in my summer to date, I realize there has not been much in the way of ‘vacation’ time.

Now I want to start off by saying just the word, vacation is a bit of turn-off for me.  I don’t really have much of a desire to ‘vacate’ my life.  So instead I have decided to take a ‘play-cation’.  It just sounds better!

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We’re home for a Play-cation!

So what is a ‘play -cation’?

Well we, CrisMarie & I,  have decided we needed some rest and play together! We have each had some fun times separately.  CrisMarie went to New York for a family reunion and I stayed home and basically played lots of golf!  Both reported having lots of fun and a holiday of sort, but not together. Our other trips have either been training, workshops or work, so we really wanted some play & rest time together.

Initially we called our experiment a stay-cation, which I believe is a more familiar word for staying at home for a holiday.  We agreed we live in a magical spot so why travel.  Still stay-cation didn’t have the right vibe.  When we got to talking more about what we were each wanting it was clear we both wanted rest and play.

Now in a perfect world we would shut-off our devices.  That’s not happening but we have agreed to some periods of shutdowns and creating some boundaries around work or other usual distracts. (Mine is exercise – I have this need to run or work-out every day – this may sound healthy and sane; however, sometimes I can simply use exercise as a way to distract myself from settling, resting or even playing).

Of course there are other pressing things we ‘should’ be doing.  However, after a testy series of interchanges, we knew that even though we could push on, the disconnect and end results would not be worth it! So we paused and decided we need a play-cation!

We intent to use these next few days to reconnect, refresh and rejuvenate.  We’ve been working pretty hard and have lots on the schedule ahead. (Couples Alive, August 20-24!! and Come Alive August 25-30 – do join us, after some rest & play it will be very fun time!!)  But sometimes it’s just important to drop the agenda and play! Thus we are taking a play-cation!!

I’ll let you know how it goes!!  Who knows maybe I’ll even share some pictures!

 

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Cancer, Let’s Talk

cancerI woke today to another request for support for a family forced to face the challenges of cancer.  I find myself a touch overwhelmed by the stream of people these days that are getting cancer, getting a cancer scare or dealing with the impact of a close friend or family member dying from cancer – over time or in a few short months.

Years ago I wrestled with cancer.  We fought. We talked. Cancer forced me to learn to relate.  To listen and discover possibilities in places that seemed too dark or too painful to consider exploring. Cancer forced me to look. It forced or invited me to do something radically different with my life.

I won’t say we were friends.  But I didn’t hate cancer.  We were relational in spite of our differences and I moved on.

Now though it seems cancer as come into my life again.  Not from the inside.  But from the outside.  All I know to do is try to stay curious.  It’s harder when it’s outside of me.  I don’t like witnessing the rampage.

So I write.  It’s all I can do.

Cancer, you and I have had some run ins.

I thought we worked it out.

I came to know you as a crazy, creative crack that let new light in

But it seems you have taken over

Every day it seems I get an email, a call or news that someone close has cancer or someone in their circle has cancer

It’s just not right

Why and how have you taken over?

Are you a friend, an enemy, an alien?

Are you trying to communicate?

If so – stop screaming.

I am still curious

But I don’t like your strategy

Too many good people are dropping

May be we as species are just not listening

And you keep screaming

But what do you want?

Oddly for all your pain and heartache

You seem to force community

People rally and relate when it comes to cancer

May be you have become a common enemy

One that impacts everyone touched

I know you forced me to connect to my world

To relate differently

Is that your plan?

Or are you simply out of control

Like I said I am still curious

Though more than slightly pissed.

These were the words that fell out today. I know they likely will not help anyone in the fight currently.  Yet I just had to write.  To ask for a cease fire.  Stop the war.

Is there any other way to learn to relate?  It seems we are either fighting each other on the outside or fighting ourselves inside.

Wars – inside and out.

There must be another way!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life Experiences

Proud To Golf Like A Girl

When I was young I played little league baseball. I was one of two girls on our team. Laura Feldman was the other girl. She was an amazing baseball player. That was until we turned nine. When we reached that age we were informed we could no longer play Little League, only boys could continue. I was devastated. I threw my glove into a closet and was prepared to never have anything to do with the sport of baseball again. It seemed so unfair. Both Laura and I could throw, catch and hit as well or better than most of the boys. Plus Laura was the regular clean-up batter on the team because she could gracefully hit a home run almost every time she came to the plate!

Around the same age, I heard from some ‘reliable’ source, that if I could successful kiss my elbow I would immediately turn into a boy. I must confess, that well into my twenties, I would secretly attempt this ‘kissing of the elbow’ behind closed doors. I truly believed life would be better and offer more opportunities, in the areas I excelled at, if I was a boy.

My project since those earlier days has been to embrace being a girl. In many ways the project was mostly focused on making the best of a difficult hand of cards. I did not appreciate nor believe there to be many perks in being girl. May be if I had given birth to a child it would a significant exception to that belief. But having had cancer early, resulting in knowing I would never give birth, I sort figured that the best and most recognized skill set for females, was off the table.

I know now there are many other perks, but it has taken me a while to fully embrace the possibilities, and many are not areas where I naturally excel.

However, more recently I have been introduced to golf. Now this is a sport that I will come out as saying – I want to play golf like a girl!!!  20140705-084027.jpg

 

Why?
Continue reading Proud To Golf Like A Girl →

writing

Dark Spots Get the Needed Light To Live Forward

Today I get the honor of participating in my first writer’s blog tour! I have to admit I had never heard of such an event. However, as I took a peek at the other awesome writers on the tour before me and read their writing journey, I was thrilled to get a chance to share and promote other writers.

I was invited to participate by Lea Bayles.

Lea’s piece about her wild river lover was awesome! I found her words rich, moving and wonderfully human. Visit her site: http://www.leabayles.com/blog and read more!!! 7399966

Now for my own writing journey ….
Dark Spots Get the Needed Light To Live Forward…why I write.

When I was seven, living at camp with my family, I was gifted a baby bunny that had been saved from the camp lawn mower. I was thrilled to take the little being in my hands, feel its rapid heartbeat. I found the bunny a home in a box, which I made quite comfy with grasses, leaves, and dirt. I was so ready to protect and nurture the little being. I sat beside that box for hours watching the bunny breathe and sleep.

Late in the day, my Mom called me to go to dinner. We had to leave our cabin for the lodge. I would be gone for at least an hour or more. I knew I needed to protect the bunny from our dog and the camp cat. So I put the box in our car. Off, I went to dinner. When I returned, I found the baby bunny very still, clearly not breathing, yes, dead. The car had gotten too hot. I was devastated. I couldn’t find words for what I was feeling. The horror that I had killed the little baby bunny was overwhelming. I didn’t speak about it. I went quiet for days. I silently buried the bunny. I didn’t know how to come back from such a mistake and loss.

In the fall, when I returned to school, my teacher asked us all to write about our summer. On that blank sheet of paper, I reclaimed my heart. I wrote about the joy I felt with a new life in my care, the pleasure of creating a home for it, and the hours of being a protector. I wrote about the tragic choice to put the little bunny in the car, a decision made with good intent that went horribly wrong, and finally, the pain of holding that little lifeless bunny.

The piece wasn’t long. It was a series of simple seven-year-old words, with some words missing and some misspelled. Yet those words captured the life and death of my bunny and my emotional process. When my teacher chose to read my piece, and I heard my words, I finally cried. My life returned. The pain was freed to live forward.

Since that first piece, I have used writing as a path to process the stories of my life that otherwise would have shut me down. When I write my heart opens. My defenses drop, and the armor that I have used to survive, begins to melt.

When I was dealing with cancer at 24, I wrote to wrestle with the gods about fairness. When I was dealing with nightmares and memories from my childhood, I used prose to share the pain that was trapped in my cells. When I lead a Come Alive, I am holding a space in a circle for peoples’ stories. I write then to find my heart, clear my mind, so that I can stay present and connect with their world, not stay stuck in mine.

Writing frees my emotions, and clears my pain so that the dark spots get the needed light to live forward. Writing allows the broken pieces to reform and become art.

I have wrestled with whether or not to write a book, but my path seems to be more an on-going river of short pieces.

I had never called myself a “writer” because my written words were rarely kept. I’d share them in circles and with friends. In the sharing my armor would finally soften, and the stories would melt away. That still seems to be the heart of my purpose in writing.

4972425Maybe someday I will bring the pieces together, and a book will emerge. Maybe the pieces will remain fragments in a blog post, a newsletter, a poem, or a piece shared to honor a friend’s passing. I am uncertain. I just know I am a better person when I write. My defenses drop and my heart opens when I let the words find a place on a page. The cracks those words create, let the light in and my broken heart beats on.

The memory of a baby bunny’s journey in my hands is complete – life and death, joy and sorrow. No hero. No happy-ever-after ending – real, raw and messy, human after all.

Now for the super fun part of being on a blog tour – the three Writers I would like you to meet:

Meet Martha Jo: Dr. Martha Jo Atkins that is. She is all out loud and proud about death, dying, and grief. She helps grieving folks find new ways to be in the world after someone they love has died. She also helps people + businesses renegotiate and step into identities after big change or loss. Visit her blog and enjoy! http://www.marthaatkins.com/blog/

Meet Xanet: Xanet Pailet is a former health care attorney turned sex and intimacy coach, certified sexological bodyworker and Tantra teacher She works with women and men who are sexually shut down and helps them rediscover their sexuality and find more pleasure in their life. Read more: http://powerofpleasure.com/sex-advice/

Meet CrisMarie: CrisMarie has gone from Olympic athlete to Top Five Consulting firm to Actress, Writer and Coach. Her quest continues to be stepping more and more into her authentic self. Having gotten lots of practice, CrisMarie will help you reclaim your life and bring more of who you truly are to what you do to get the results you want. Visit her blog and be inspired! http://inspireplaycreate.com/

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Travels and Where They Take Us To!

It's all in where you travel to!
It’s all in where you travel to!

Some people are travelers. They love going out into the world, seeing new places, learning new languages and discovering different cultures. When I see the photographs from other lands, I find myself curious and interested. However, I seem to be someone who is more inclined to travel the vast inner landscapes of the world.

For more than thirty years, a significant amount of my time has been spent sitting in a circle, listening to people reveal and share their stories. A majority of those circles have been in the same room. Sure there has been some refreshing of the carpet, the art on the walls and a new paint job. Plus, the ages and faces have changed over the years. But that circle has stayed the same.

For me, it has been the center of amazing journeys. The stories people share have taken me to dark caves, vast oceans, difficult interactions, impossible circumstances. The joys, sorrows, demons, and angels of those that come to the circle, are profound.

Out in the world, differences seem to be dividing us, separating us and there doesn’t seem to be a path to connect. Yet, whenever I arrive for the first night of a Come Alive at The Haven, I am reminded that we as human beings are innately relational. My experience has provided me with proof that people can, and do, find ways to courageously connect, even through immense pain and insurmountable differences.

Often someone will ask, “Why don’t you move the circle outside?” There are days where it would be quite wonderful to sit out on the land. Nature is an amazing healer and does often play a significant part for people during the breaks. However, I get sometimes it is the simple act of sitting, without distraction, in a circle that can lead to an opening that otherwise is all too easy to avoid, focused on the beauty of nature, we might miss the beauty of nature in another human being sitting right across from us.

Though we long to connect and relate, as adults, have too often learned to protect, guard and hold back. As people arrive the first night to the circle, it is clear that it takes time to relax that habitual armor.  Then someone throws open a door to their soul, sharing a long held pain that simply can not be kept hidden anymore, and we are off on a wild ride.

Whatever is presented is much like the picture travelogues. I see, hear, touch and deeply feel the rich, deep wonder of the human soul, longing to express, be seen, and be acknowledged. We are each invited to hear our own deep calling and response.

The sounds in the circle are never quite the same, yet there is a melody that plays through, and weaves each circle together to hold and reflect the wonders of being human. The journey is worth the effort, and always adds depth and new possibility to my own inner landscape.

Yes, I too am a traveler.

Here is a short video, click here to learn more about Come Alive at the Haven.

Business

SLDP: Horses & Golf

406 thrive! Golf Team
406 thrive! Golf Team

SLDP, my Summer Leadership Development Program. You may be wondering what do horses and golf have to do with leadership. Well, I am beginning to think quite a lot.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I am currently engaged in an Equus Coach Training program with Koelle Simpson.  As a result, I am spending many hours getting to know horses.  They are amazing teachers, especially when it comes to leadership.  Horses simply wouldn’t follow a leader unless that leader is congruent and clear.  They have a very high BS meter (yes – I mean bull sh*t!).  If I am pretending or incongruent, they read it, and quickly move away or simply ignore any efforts I make to take control.

Seriously, they pick up my emotions much faster than I do!

Currently my work with the horses is mostly mucking stalls, going and bringing a horse in for a vet visit, or walking a horse from the pasture into a coral for a training session.  These probably seem like very simple tasks.  However, when it’s a 1000 pound animal, and they really don’t have to do anything I request, it quickly becomes about my leadership.  Plus, when I watch people with their horses, it’s amazing what there is to learn about their leadership style.

The key with the horses is developing a strong sense of self, and being willing to be clear, and committed to translating that direction to the horse.  Not through force, but through clear signals, and solid presence.  These are major keys to any type of effective leadership!

Then there’s golf.  This is year two for our 406Thrive golf team in the Whitefish Lake Ladies Golf League. This year our team has moved out of being ‘firmly in last place.’  We may return to last place, but we have been riding a solid start!

However, the lessons in golf aren’t as much about teamwork as they are about doing the inner work to stay engaged, even when I am way off the fairway, or I am whacking my third sand shot.

I started this team, and invited folks to join based on having a fun competitive experience learning golf, and playing regularly together.  When I’m overly focused on my game, and struggling to recover from a bad hole, it is easy to forget the bigger vision.  It seems I am no longer satisfied by simply finishing a round or finishing ‘firmly in last place.’  No, I expect more.  I want to par a couple holes.  I want to have a better short game, and not three putt a hole.  I want our team to play well, and win a few matches.  However, all that desire to do my best, and have our team finish strong, so easily results in getting tight when it’s not happening as easily or effortlessly as I think it should!

Now, isn’t that like leadership!  Wanting great results and having to live through the pain of learning, making mistakes, and recovering.  OMG – golf is all about that!

So my summer is focused on leadership, be it relating to the horses or whacking my way out of a sand trap!!

 

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Empowering Yourself Through Crisis, Conflict & Change

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http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-photos-rainbow-over-yellow-brick-road-illustration-way-to-emerald-city-flowers-plants-to-left-right-image35011613So most everyone has heard of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Well, Dorothy’s story is a wonderful tale of Crisis, Conflict and Change.

She went through the three stage process that I call the path for turning “Oh Sh*t!” to “Aha!” – Empowering yourself through Crisis, Conflict and Change.

Dorothy seemed to be doing okay in Kansas, until a tornado suddenly ripped her from her stable world. Now, that tornado, and the experience of being flown to a new location was a definite crisis point!

When she arrived in this new land, she landed on a witch! Talk about potential conflict! It was clear this wasn’t Kansas and indeed there were lots of opportunities for facing fear, and dealing with conflict! Her travels took her down the yellow brick road and allowed her to discover new friends and have some very interesting interactions. Dealing with yet another witch, facing the flying monkeys and, though not mentioned in the story, traveling with friends, brings up all sorts of conflicting choices, and challenging conversations!

Finally, meeting Oz, discovering that he wasn’t quite the man she had been promised. He did though point her in the right direction and she soon learned that she wasn’t ever without the resources she needed. However, she did need to make a significant change. From looking outside herself, and relying on others to give her the answers, to leaning in to each new experience and relationship with courage and heart. Then and only then, would she know she had what she needed to get home.

We all have our own versions of Dorothy’s transformation. Some type of crisis that rips us from our normal state, and off we go on a journey.  Having to deal with the conflict that comes with looking inward and living outward. Meeting new friends, while letting go of the old ways of being. In the end, embracing change and our new self.

I have been on this journey many, many times. My cancer sagas, the childhood drama from victim to hero, landing back home as simply ordinary. My life no longer has quite the level of drama as Dorothy’s. Thank goodness

My travels have taught many lessons in how to take the journey, and some valuable tools for living and thriving, even through the pain and challenge of loss, setbacks and obstacles along the way. Now, I want to share with, and hopefully learn from, you as well. This 4-part FREE program called, Follow The Yellow Brick Road, empowering yourself through crisis, conflict and change! is a self-guided journey of discovery.

To learn the keys to successfully Follow The Yellow Brick Sign Up Below and get a daily email to each part of the journey.

The daily invitations create new ways of thinking, feeling and exploring your unique situation. Of course, as you go, you may discover you want support. If so, call me for a 20 minute FREE chat or consider taking the June workshop at The Haven, Living through Crisis, Conflict and Change – “Oh Sh*t” to “Aha”!

with Susan Clarke