We just participated in our first TEDx talk, right here in Whitefish!  It was an amazing experience.  In many ways a perfect topic for addressing the importance of integrating power and strength.

As a speaker it’s my job to make my great idea work within the time frame of eighteen minutes. Taking an idea and making it crisp, and clear in 18 minutes is tough enough.  Add to that the complexity of there being two of us, sharing this big idea, and I think you can see the challenge.

Our big idea: Conflict is an Energy Source for Innovation, Creativity and Transformation.

Use it! Don’t Diffuse it!

Be Vulnerable and Curious to Transform Conflict into Creativity in an Instant.

The two concepts: vulnerability and curiosity settle on the strength side of the Power and Strength Continuum.  If you are unfamiliar with Haven’s Power and Strength models, here’s a link for a summary (go to p 13).  Very short answer:

• Power is all about dominating and controlling the external environment
• Strength is about coming more from within

Both power and strength are choices we have for handling anxiety and our innate sense of helpless.  We usually have a favorite or a familiar choice.  Our work, as we become adults and more fully embrace our lives, is to value both and move between power and strength with flexibility as appropriate.

Preparing and delivering a TEDx Talk is a great way to test that integration process.

Getting our idea clear and concise in many ways involved a healthy use of power. (To be completely honest, we were a touch unhealthy at times. We are a couple!)  The message needed to be tight and not one that implied uncertainty.  We went through many stages of writing, rewriting, delivering, and redelivering, getting feedback, and incorporating that feedback. (Okay crying and screaming as well!)

We practiced our timing.  We practiced in our outfits. We practiced with our slides.  We did the talk super fast and then very conversationally.

This was all about taking our deeply personal, passionate message and framing it into a Powerful package.

The day of the dress rehearsal we delivered a very tight TEDx Talk well within the time limit.

Our speaker coach had this to say, “You guys have great material, but you are talking at us about vulnerability and curiosity and you need to actually be vulnerable and curious!”

“OUCH!”

Yes, the feedback did sting a bit!  Yet, it was so right on!

We had done some great work to control and package the message.  I believe that was invaluable.  However, to step on the stage and deliver that message, we needed to come from within – the strength side – to connect and show that vulnerability!

So what did we do?  We went home and practiced some more.  Why?  Because I think we both knew that if we really, absolutely knew our lines, we could let them go and embody the lines on the stage.  Meaning, choosing power can and does support, strength.

On the stage live, we delivered.  We connected.  We made mistakes, and we recovered.  We were vulnerable and curious.

For me, it was a wonderful experience of integrating Power and Strength.

I can so easily get upset with CrisMarie when she wants me to script or overly practice a model or a speech.  It can seem so non-organic and impersonal.  Yet, I get it.  One way is not right or wrong – good or bad.

It’s all about the choice, and knowing when it’s best to power over (dominate that script) and when to trust my strength (take the stage and breathe some life into our message, and be real).

This is true on stage.  It’s true in business.  It’s true at home.

Don’t make the usual mistake of getting fixated on one side or the other – dance and integrate the best of both in your life.

Want to learn more about The Next Step: Integrating Power & Strength into your Daily Life?  Join Toby & I in Part II of our FREE Webinar series on May 13 at noon PT.

 A year ago when I started my journey in Equus Coaching, I found myself totally terrified about my decision to say, “yes”, to the nudge towards Koelle Simpson’s, Equus Coaching program.

Today I am traveling home after my year end review for certification.

I had a wonderful weekend.  I did some things I never thought I would feel comfortable doing.

Frankly, most of my angst and fear comes up catching horses and moving them between the pasture and the round pen.  Sure enough, I got lots of opportunity to work on that!  Yes, Scotty (whom some of my co-coaching folks will remember) had me circling for quite a while before I finely settled myself into the fact that no one else was coming to help me get him to and through that gate!  I had to take a deep breath and take the lead.  His follow pasture mates were no help as they simply persisted to hang out at the gate until I gave them a clear message to back it up!

I had a round pen session with a horse, Snowman, who simply wasn’t in the mood to demonstrate a walk, trot or gallop around the pen.  No, he pretty much just stood there. Yet, he gave me a wonderful chance to keep coming back to myself and my intention; stay present in myself and my own sense of ‘good enough’.

The coaching was the joyful part of the review.  Sure I can always get better AND I had one session that for me was magic, very fulfilling (not only that but we laughed a lot,  tears are not the only way to get profound and deep work done!).

Finally, yesterday as we each waited for our turn for feedback, I used the time to practice haltering horses for anyone wanting to practice in the round pen. I also, got a chance or two to dance with a horse and get some great coaching. (thanks Tj)

Did I get certified? No, I have work to do. Did I ‘pass’.  Yes!

I honestly wasn’t sure if I would continue if I didn’t come this time. Whenever I get back home from the incredible experiences at the ranch,  I seem to drown in my lack of self-confidence.  So I came, not to get certified but to get valuable feedback.  I did and I stayed open and curious about all the input that came my way!

The best feedback came from the horses.  They let me know I have come a long way and gave me lots of good input about ways to continue to grow and build my confidence!

This time returning home, I’d like to think I’ll do things differently.

However, for now, I simply want to celebrate my success.

I feel full and very grateful.  Thank you to all who took this journey with me! Especially the horses, who continue to sing and I continue to listen! 

I keep trying to come up with a post to pay a tribute to my dad, Biking John Clarke. However, the words aren’t coming. Maybe because, in many ways over the past two years, I have been doing a variety of closing story lines and those probably speak best of our relationship.

However, what is coming up for me more is how my father’s passing seems to be shining a light on just how different each member of a family loves, laughs, grieves, and moves through this process.

I have two older sisters: Penny and Melissa. Each of us has a unique story and experience of my dad.

If you just listened to how we each saw and interpreted some of the events of our lives, you might wonder if we had grown up under the same roof.  You may even wonder if we were more fractured than fabric.

This weekend we’ll each be a part of a memorial service my mother, Bernie Clarke, is creating to honor his life. In many ways, the pieces that each of us are choosing to share, speak volumes to our unique stories and relationship we had with Dad.

For me, I will be pulling together pictures and music. No words.  It’s been the best way for me to understand, and connect, with my father. I pulled together a movie for his 90th birthday and it was an amazing project.  Virginia was my dad’s home from childhood, through rising his family, to being a school principal.  So my cousin, Trip Clarke , who still lives back in Virginia, partnered with me and went to various places to video pieces from the many layers of my father’s life there. I learned a great deal about my father by listening to messages from extended family, friends, and his various biking groups.

This time it has been different. Just me and photos. Still I get to see the many stories and layers of his life, giving my own story much more breath, depth, and meaning.

My oldest sister, Penny wrote a beautiful piece about the past couple of years, as she walked right along side Mom and Dad, as he was facing death and engaged in what he referred to as “hostage” care (Otherwise known as hospice care.).  I do believe Penny had a special bond with my father,  which comes through in her writing.  It also sheds a light on each of them, and just how important family is and has been in their lives. I originally thought her piece would be the final chapter for the next printing of my dad’s book, Sailing Thru. However, I understand Penny herself will be using it in a book of her own. It underscores just how important stories are to Clarke family fabric.

Finally, Melissa, my next oldest sister, will be playing the piano. Another wonderful way to share a story without the words, but with all the raw emotion and feeling. Which so fits Melissa. One of my favorite stories written by my father was one that he wrote about Melissa teaching (or trying to teach) him to play the piano. The piece spoke of her gifts when it came to music. It also highlighted their shared connection through teaching. The story speaks so well of their dynamics: that desire on each of their parts to play well together, and the challenges in doing so. Melissa’s musical story is real and raw. All of the chords and emotions are played and speak just as strongly to the rich fabric of this family.

I can in many ways feel oddly out of place in my own relationship to my dad. But it is through my sisters that I see and  hear the different heart beats, like threads, that my family has weaved into our family tapestry.

I also hear it in the words and stories of his grandchildren. Each of whom speaks of the love and connection they experienced with him in very different ways.

Suddenly, what has seemed  fractured, is more like a fractal.

Still, I may sit a little further outside the inner circle of my family, but the one note that plays through it all, and brings me much closer, comes when I am riding my bike. Whether I ride here, in the beauty of Montana, or as I will be this Sunday on my dad’s memorial day, riding his trike to an early breakfast with family and friends, that is where I connect to him.

There is where I know: We are family, and the fabric, and fractal is quite strong!

I have all my sisters and me!!

A while back I wrote a blog requesting others to share their Ultimate Result from taking a Living Alive Phase I program at The Haven.

I loved hearing from so many people, and decided I wanted to share some of the responses (without revealing anyone)!

Here’s is what people got out of the Living Alive Phase I Program:

• Faith in myself and my ability to connect.
• Energy and purpose that I thought was lost.
• The courage to identify when I am sticking myself, and to make a shift, while being gentle and compassionate with myself and others in my life.
• Overcoming my desire to run because I don’t have the level of control I want.  Also, being able to hang in and not have to get control.
• A path for communicating and appreciating people who think, feel, and want something different than me.
• Discovering the value in someone giving me honest straight feedback, and discovering the impact I am having on others – not collapsing but appreciating the realness!!
• Getting to see my patterns, work on them, and not change, but become compassionate and faster at self-correcting and moving forward.
• A new love of life that isn’t dependent on someone else being different!!
• Discovering my own voice and the value of speaking up and sharing my experience.

These are just a few of the wonderful nuggets I got back.

Many of these responses came from people who had taken the program two or more years ago and wanted to let me know the results were sticking!!

I believe in this program and I am thrilled it is going to be offered in a new format. I think the Integrative Living Alive Phase I will be different because it has a built-in method for integrating the learning as you go.

So often people at The Haven will say: “but this isn’t the real world.” Now, frankly, I don’t buy that line, but I do get it is a special place where most everyone is coming with a mutual purpose to learn and play in self-discovering. I also appreciate that taking that back into day-to-day life with folks who may not have that same shared experience or commitment can be hard.

That’s why the new format offers a different possibility.

Learn and Integrate Over 8 Months!

In the new format, for eight months, we will be together.  Sometimes at The Haven, working deeply, and other times back at home. Plus, there’s an online community and virtual programming piece.

The ‘real’ world meets the learning lab! Learn and test at the Haven lab, then go home and try things.  Use the online community to share and get feedback as you go. Wow!!

There are folks who doubt that the same depth of connection can happen online.  Let’s face it, one of the best parts of The Haven is the simplicity of sitting in a circle and the amazing connections that happen through the resonance of a group process. However, our world is no longer just happening face-to-face. Most of us spend a lot of time online. Sure, it’s easy to say that online is impersonal, but is that really a story worth holding on to anymore?

To the right is an article by Rachel Davey, Executive Director at The Haven,  printed in the  Times-Colonist talking about the importance of becoming more comfortable online and how Haven is ready to go there. Yes, we still love the simplicity and potential of a group process, but also do not want to stay limited there.

Haven wants to expand and include! I am looking forward to the new adventure!

If the any of those ultimate results above sound appealing to you and you are ready to step in, I’d love to hear from you.  Join Toby Macklin and I, in September 2015 to launch the new Integrative Living Alive Phase!!

Click here to find out more and fill out an application. If you are a fit, we will look forward to spending eight months with you, supporting you creating your ultimate results. That’s what’s in it for you!

Heading home from a trip that included facilitating a one-day Smart and Healthy Leadership Team follow up offsite with an Executive team in Seattle, and then joining a weekend at The Haven Faculty retreat. Now home, I am myself reflecting on my experience.

The biggest piece of learning for me came from a dinner chat about the difference between committing and contributing. Gary Dillon, another Haven Faculty member, and big Seattle Seahawks fan, and I were talking about some wisdom we had learned from football. We both agreed football wasn’t necessarily a major contributor to our spiritual purpose or living a meaningful life. However, we were each quite committed to our Seahawks and watching and cheering them on!!!

Gary shared nuggets of wisdom he had taken from a coach’s halftime speech to his players. The coach had asked his team, “Are you a pig or a hen? A hen is a contributor and a pig is committed. I want you to be committed!”

In case, that analogy isn’t obvious, as food pigs and hens end up as either the bacon or the eggs. But for a pig to provide bacon, he has to be all in. For a hen to provide eggs, that’s simply a partial offering.

I am not meaning to encourage that you, or I, must sacrifice ourselves and get sizzled. However, I get it. There are situations in which I contribute but really much like a hen, I drop an egg, or may be two, and off I go back to my world. And there are places that I am much like the pig. I am all in. I walk away having given ‘all of me.’

I’d say in working with a leadership team, like I was on Thursday, I am a contributor. At times, I think I may act too committed, more pig like, and need to be reminded, this is not my business. I am contributing to the team’s success. I do want the team members though to be committed. But if I am too committed, doing their work, I may actually be getting in the way.

Now, as a Haven Faculty member, I have chosen to commit. For me, I do that through being on The Education Steering Group and focusing on bringing people to core programs, or engaging in the Haven programming in a way that extends The Haven’s reach and voice.

As I sat in a circle with our Faculty, I believe I was in a room of people who represented both, those contributing and those more committed. I realize now that I have an underlining expectation that everyone be equally committed. That expectation creates a pushiness that may actually get in the way. Because The Haven needs both contributors and people who are committed.

I am also very aware the current way that The Haven operates does not make it easy to commit. It works for some, but for others their commitment may first need to be to their own livelihood, and one or two programs a year would not provide that.

I know even in my situation, I ask myself, do I have the right level of commitment to Thrive, our business? Am I too committed to The Haven? These are questions that I wrestle with, and CrisMarie and I power struggle about.

I found myself appreciating the clarity of some faculty who said, “I am a contributor and committed to something else, like my art, or medicine.” I also appreciated those who were clear about the area in which they were committed. Someone shared they were committed to assisting and leading smaller, non-core programs. Another is committed to creating three faculty engagements. This type of clarity helps me get clearer myself.

I know I often struggle when I don’t think people are committed – be it at Haven, on a team, or in their relationship. Yet, life isn’t always about being committed. There are times when it is best to contribute. Frankly, there’s no way to be the bacon everywhere!! Nor, is it appropriate.

These were the things I walked away wrestling with, AND what I love about being part of this faculty. I do come away from our gathering, thinking and often quite excited about something.

This time it is this question of where am I contributing, and where am I committed. Not simply as a faculty member but in my life.

As someone who lives in Whitefish, MT, how am I contributing to my community, and where am I committed?

The same question can be asked of my business, my relationships, my health, or my learning. These are rich questions and are taken from a football coach’s pep talk.

May be there is more to football than simply rooting for the Seahawks!!

Filled with gratitude this morning.  Maybe it’s the sun shining through the windows.  Maybe it’s listening to streaming seasonal songs and singing along every once in while.  Maybe it’s the joy of knowing that I am very fortunate to have a wonderful relationship, amazing friends, and family (both right here in Whitefish, and a number of other places on the planet), and work that keeps me thriving and fully alive!

It’s not like it’s all bliss.  No, I am still fighting cold-like symptoms. I haven’t completed a number of things on my to-do list, and I am missing my BFF, Sooke.

However, I am grateful and that sure seems like something to write about.

This time of year is one that I enjoy.  I know many people struggle with the commercial side of these holidays.  Still, there are so many things I enjoy:

• the lights – both inside and outside of our home!
• the crazy decorating ideas and light of folks around the town
• amazing Holiday celebrations – Yuletide, Crushmas (a new addition to Whitefish in the winter), the Whitefish Winter Stroll, holiday parties with friends – just to name a few!!
• egg nog and various other holiday treats
• watching movies like It’s a Wonderful Life, Love Actually, How the Grinch Stole Christmas and other seasonal favorites.
• Skyping and chatting with friends far away
• hearing how others celebrate
• warming up by the wood stove and enjoying a hot-toddy
• snow falling (okay not quite enough that – right now – but it will come!)

I am sure there are many more things I could add.  But really what I love about this time of year is that I regularly tear up and feel my heart thumping away with the joy of being human, being here on this earth with all the challenges – the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful.

A dear friend, Ben Wong,  once told me, when I was struggling with some dark moments and just wasn’t sure I’d ever be loveable, “Susan, you don’t need to be loved – simply feel your loving.” That’s just it. This time of year I feel my loving very loudly! Thank you, Ben!

Indeed, we are spiritual beings having a human experience!  It’s a gift, even when it’s hard and sometimes it’s the hard times that bring us closer together and invite transformation.

Merry, Merry! May you find your moments of joy and gratitude throughout this holiday season and well into the new year!!

I would love to hear what brings you joy and gratitude this time of year – even through your struggles.

This post all started when I was investigating some leadership development sites.  Various post kept pointing to programs like,  Dale Carnegie, How to Win & Influence People and another program about the importance of the first impression and how one most smile and be positive. Slowly, as I read on, I noticed my inner gremlin rising. So, I plugged in a request to Google, “images for a grumpy person’s self-development,” the cartoon above was what came up.

I loved it.

Truly, I have never had any desire to beat someone to death with a chair.  I think my most violent act was in a high school basketball game, delivering a elbow to the face of a overly-tight defender.  I do believe she got a bloody nose. So maybe I am prone to wild, erratic elbow gestures in the heat of competition.  Also, when I did play Rugby in college, I discovered that I love tackling, especially in the mud! So there is a bit of a wild, woman in me.

Really though, I don’t have a death wish for anyone.

I do have a strong personality, well…apparently.  I am fairly certain that I generally fail at making the best first impression.  I tend to forget to look people in the eye, or reach out my hand to shake, or even smile, and if I try to fake it, well, that is just scarey. Often, if I am busy, or on a tight time frame, I forget the importance of common social gestures like, “How are doing?” or “Are you excited about the holidays?” This is also true in email. CrisMarie often reminds me to start with something personal or nice,  before I launch into my request, comments, or reply.

It’s not that I am intentionally mean or disinterested.  No – that’s not it at all.  I simply imagine that whoever is on the other end of my conversation, be it in person or in an email, wants me to get to the point.

So when I read these books or posts that seem to imply that my face and my first impression is going to determine my success in life, business and/or relationships, well, I get grumpy and am more inclined to be aligned with the Tasmanian devil above!

I believe too many people, that know how to win and influence people, or make a great first impression, are NOT the ones that will sit with me in a fire, or love me even when I am sad, fearful, or grumpy.

I am not saying grumpy people are the best choice either.

I don’t think that a successful life and/or relationship are built by first impressions, and that my best friends, business partners, and long-lasting connections have more often come from those people that took me a little longer to get to know and appreciate.

Some of them, I may even have had a few violent thoughts about, or they have had some violent thoughts towards me. Yet, in our willingness to check things out, and be curious, have discovered that first impressions aren’t always accurate. Thank goodness.