Category Archives: Life Experiences

Life Experiences

Simple Moments Of Joy

It’s a gorgeous day here in Montana: blue skies, sunny, and the mountains snowcapped and magical. I know we need more snow and I know all of the reasons this spring-like weather might mean a very difficult summer. However, I can not help but enjoy the moment! It is days like today that make it clear why I love living here!

So the Olympic Games are over and what a wonderful ending. The hockey game was perfect—played hard right to the final second and beyond, with Canada celebrating and laughing at themselves. In the end, the own the podiumseemed to have worked; at least in terms of gold medals and specially in terms of the hockey gold!

What’s next? As I mentioned before, Montana is sunny and warm. Bailey seems to have gotten kennel cough, so I am keeping him away from other dogs. CrisMarie is under the weather as well. I have a bunch of projects that should draw my attention. But for now I am happily sitting in The Green Tea House, blogging.

There are many things I could be worried about. I realize the future can hold some scarey prospects. I am not really one to focus on the negative; I am also not one that lives by affirmations or always looking on the bright side. However, when I consider the future, and have to decide if I want to believe in, a doomsday scenario or something else, well—I pick something else.

I have no idea what will happen in 2012, or any year for that matter, other than this one. The best I can do is fully commit to this moment and make the best choices I can for myself, others, and the planet.

I feel fortunate to have learned somewhere along my path how to fully embody joy. I have these moments when I just vibrate with life. Today, the Montana magic inspires that joyful resonance in me; Sometimes it a simple moment with CrisMarie. My heart is open and I am deeply in touch with loving my life. It is really the simple things that provide the greatest joy: a song, a touch, a taste, a smell or a gorgeous day. Indeed, the senses do heighten my joy meter.

I watch folks struggle with the state of their lives: not having the job they need, the partner they want, the health they have thought would be a given or the opportunities they see others getting. It’s easy to get caught up in any one of those situations at some point in the day or week or month. I can spend many hours, days or weeks trying to change the bigger picture, totally forgetting the simple little moments.

Yet I have learned to tap into some little sensory moment that will wake me back up. It starts by taking a deep breath and becoming aware; aware of what I am doing and aware of how I am separating. Suddenly that choice is highlighted and I usually get it. Take the moment, feel the joy, and let that simple little reflection of all that is possible help me re-member; meaning becoming a member of the whole. When I touch that whole-ness, either inside me or all around me, I do, for a moment, resonate with oneness, the source—whatever you want to call that which is so much more then me.  That nano second of contact is enough juice to alter my cells.

That simple little moment is magical. Today I am very in-touch with the joy. Maybe later I’ll lose it, but for now I am soaking it in.  Tomorrow just seems okay from here and now! Maybe that is just as it should be.

Life Experiences

Life Lessons from The Games

I have been soaking in as much of the Olympic vibes as possible.  Last week on my way to The Haven for a Come Alive, I caught the skytrain down to the heart of Vancouver and enjoyed just walking and chatting with folks.  Of course during the Come Alive my energy and attention shifted to the folks in the group.  Though I found it quite fun to check out the results either online or through dinner conversations.

Now back at home I am watching with CrisMarie, an Olympian from the summer games.  In the past she wasn’t too fond of  watching.  It seemed to stir some pain from her own Olympian disappointment in finishing sixth.  Fortunately she seems to have come to a different place now.  Able to recognize the amazing triumph of making it to the Games and competing at that level and even drawing from the disappointment to speak about the lessons learned about teaming; primarily the difference between being a boat of champions and a championship boat.

It is interesting to me to watch the athletes.  Especially the ones expected to medal.  So much pressure.  Some seem to embrace that moment and rise to the occasion.  I am not just speaking of those who win their Gold, Silver or Bronze but also about those who don’t,  yet still stay thrilled with the moment and able to recognize that on that one day they did not win.

Personally I believe it takes excellence and dedication over time to make it to the Games.  It takes a peak moment to win the Gold.  Very different.  One not better or worse then the other.  But different.

I love the events where some unexpected contender races to the lead, surprising everyone.  I was watching the USA hockey team beat Canada 5-3 and watched the goalie defend 45 shots at the goal, only allowing 3 to get in.  I could not help but wonder was that a peak moment or a sustainable performance.  Just the fact that Canada got 45 shots on the goal versus 20 some by the USA, who was the better team and who was having the better moment.

That is what makes the Games so interesting to me.  There is just that drive that allows someone or a team to come together and practice and dedicate themselves to making it to the greatest sporting event.  That effort alone is something any Olympian I would hope could recognize and honor for themselves.  Then there is the moment – the event.  Some will rise that day and fly; others will put their heart in the event to simply be beaten by a better performance and some will fall and never cross the finish line.  Indeed that moment can be crushing after all the effort.  Still I can’t help but believe that  there will be a day when each and every athlete that walked through the gate during the opening ceremonies can and will fully embrace the accomplishment of that – with or without a medal to show for it.

In the Come Alive we talk about the Power and Strength Model. This is a continuum that we are all living and choosing all the time.  The power side of the model deals with control, roles, security and dominating the world around us.  The strength side deals vulnerability, authenticity, risk and finding our will from within.  For me this is the essence of the Olympics.  I see and hear the continuum being played out through these athletes.  The power in winning – taking the podium. The strength in competing – rising with or without a medal.  Some will get fixated on their moment.  That moment may be one of greatest or humility; victory or defeat.  Some will flow through the moment.  Again through the high of winning or the low of falling short of their dream.  I can see it on their faces as they embrace their team mates or not, speak to the press or not and through the awarding of the medals. With some  the fixation is clear.  This moment will define them for some time.  For others it is simply another piece of the fabric of their lives.  May be a bright spot but still just a piece and they are already moving on.

We are all like these athletes. Life is like the Games.  Fortunately not being captured on TV.  Yet still working with that same dynamic.  The moments and the day-to-day effort it takes to make those moment possible.  We are our peak experiences as well as the little choices we make every day.

Sometimes I get stuck focusing on the moments and miss the opportunity to move on.  Sometimes I forget to celebrate a moment and move on too quickly. Indeed life is always offering me so many opportunities to wake up – in-the-moment and over time.  I would like to be one of the ones who does indeed wake up and can celebrate that I made it to the Games and gave it all the power and strength I had to offer; with or with a medal.

That would be cool!!

Life Experiences

Let The Games Begin!!

I watched the opening ceremonies of the Winter Games in Vancouver, BC.  I don’t think I have ever watched an opening ceremonies from start to finish.  I did last night and was amazed at the pride I felt in being part Canadian.  I know lots of people have been upset with the amount of money spent to put on these Games.  I have heard there are groups protesting for many reasons and even stopping the flame from easily moving across the country and specifically last night through the streets.  But even with all that protest I was reminded why these Games need to happen and why Vancouver, BC is the perfect location right now.  It isn’t about perfection, it’s about heart, resilience and connection – and that rang through in so many ways for me watching the Games begin.

When I lived in Canada I spent many years working with the aboriginal people there.  I was a family counselor and a trainer for community Drug & Alcohol and Family Violence counselors.  Indeed there were many challenges facing the native communities.  Each year a new group of students would arrive for training so that they could go back into their communities and help their people.  The students often had to deal with their own history of abuse, alcoholism and victimization.  Many of the stories shared were horrific and stirred my own sense of injustice and anger at the treatment of people with different beliefs then those in the majority.  Canada’s treatment of their aboriginal peoples’ was not something most would think of as even possible based on the friendly, welcoming nature attributed to Canada in comparison to most of the other world powers.  At some point through those years, the Canadian government took a much different stand regarding that history.  Through acknowledging the suffering and pain inflicted by some of the government’s choices, followed by court actions, money and land distributions, they  made an attempt to ‘right’ some of the ‘wrongs’.  I’m not sure how well that really worked.  But I did think last night watching the ceremonies open with such a grand acknowledgment of the tribes across Canada that many of the angry voices I had heard through the years screaming for acceptance of their ways and values most have been proud.

These Games started on a sad note.  An athlete died on the opening day on a training run for the luge.  I was moved by the moment of silence taken for a comrade who had fallen and the flags flying at half-mast.   The silence of such a huge crowd and the faces shown of the athlete’s made it quite clear that each knew the dangers and the risk taken in any type of competition.  In that sixty seconds there were no differences between nations, the common bond of our mortality was quite powerful.

I loved that the flame was not lit by one but by many.  That moment when the fourth leg of the cauldron did not rise to provide perfect symmetry may have for some been a major error.  However, I found it yet another significant meaningful touch.  A reminder that life is not about perfection but about heart, resilience and connection.  Those athletes did not get shaken and thankfully the plan was not designed for one but for a team.  So yes there was that pause, just like there was that silent moment and the flags flying at half-mask, that crack in everything that adds  depth and reality.  Personally I liked that things did not go off without a reminder that all is not perfect in our world.  Yet there is much to be celebrated, much to be enjoyed and with all of that the Games will go on!!!  Even without the snow – these Games will go on.  There will be many amazing moments and personally I think Canada will shine not just through it’s greatest but even in it’s imperfections.  That really is life and something I think worth celebrating!!!

So let the Games begin!!

Life Experiences

Back Online

I am just returning from a wonderful yoga retreat down in Mexico.  I haven’t been online or in touch with anyone outside of my other yogis for over seven days.  The retreat center does not have electricity in any of the open air living spaces and recommends  ‘disconnecting’ for the time you are there.  Last year I went and packed as many batteries and power packs as possible for fear that I would need to get online, watch a show or call someone.  I didn’t and it was great!  This year my bags were lighter without all the extra power cells and once again I loved being disconnected.

Of course that also meant no blogging.  So now I am back sitting in the airport on my way to an event in Calgary.  I downloaded the mess of email that had collected over the week and I will eventually get back to all of that.  But I wanted to blog before the ‘high’ from a week of healthy eating and lots of yoga wears off.

Some might be thinking that after a week of yoga I most really be loose, flexible and enlightened.  However, that is not yet the case.  I have made progress in my yoga but honestly I am likely never to be someone who looks or acts very ‘yoga’ like.  I am too paranoid, direct and hyperactive for a total transformation.  Still I am discovering some wonderful aspects of breathing and aligning through yoga.

Our group was quite the spectrum of people.  Most of us were coming from Montana and following our yogi master, Jodi Petlin.  We had beginner beginners, various injured folks, some immediate folks and some advanced beginners.  We also had folks who had never gone a day without an expresso or a burger and the food at Harmara is glutten-free, meat free, mostly vegetarian and no sugar. We were not the typical group that came for a yoga week.  Yet I loved the contrast, the ‘realness’ and the opportunity to watch a master (Jodi) deal with such a range and still manage to give each of us a path for advancing our own practice.

Of course I had my moments of trying too hard, forcing my body into poses without breath and forgetting this was suppose to be fun and relaxing.  I also had some wonderful moments of doing something I did not think I could (a headstand and backbend); laughing through a mediation (a full body laugh that felt great!), making new friends with folks who are part of my community back home as well as connecting on a deeper level with friends who had joined us for the week.

The time was rich and yes I would love to linger in the mellowness that was a part of being disconnected and offline.  But just like yoga is a practice that is designed to impact my day not just the one or two hours I am practicing.  This past week shouldn’t really be about staying offline or out of the choas, it should be about being calmer and more relaxed diving right back in.  I will let you know how it goes!!  For now I will breath and go get on a plane!!

Life Experiences, Vision

Hanging on To The Fire Hose!

I feel like 2010 is starting out a bit like a fire hose and I am trying to keep control without much success.  When I have had a chance to sit down to blog I have found my mind too busy to focus on any one subject long enough to write.  Sure I could tell you about the current Bailey challenges.  However, a dog’s digestive tract just doesn’t seem like a topic worth sharing.  There have been some really positive things happening.  We found an excellent trainer and are regularly going to class as well as puppy and dog social hours.  This has been time well spent because Bailey is enjoying a great variety of dogs of all ages and sizes and we are getting trained along the way.

Then there’s work which is picking up.  We had an excellent session with a team we had not been with for a while.  They have done some great work building cohesion and clarity based on some of the original work we did.  It’s neat to see what folks do with what they have learned!!  Now we are prepping for a much larger group.  Shortly we’ll be presenting in front of a group of 150 financial folks.  This will be bit more challenging because there is more of a speaker element to the day and we will be talking more to leaders then to teams.  I like the challenge and of course with anything new there is some anxiety.

Then there’s the Board that I am on for the school I am a part of here in Whitefish.  Last year was a year of significant transition for the school and though I think we did a good job of shifting from a founder as leader to a broader group of folks leading,  we are still dealing with some transition issues.  The founder hasn’t found the shift easy and there’s tensions that have yet to resolve.  Because the school is a centered around a spiritual community and focus there is a belief that the issues are somehow unique.  I am not so sure about that.  Basically the hardest issues the school faces seem pretty much the same as any business I have worked with – breakdowns in communication and silo’s activity that slows down overall progress.

Of course I also am trying to stay enagged in the various activities happening at The Haven.  As part of the core faculty there I like to stay as informed as possible.  I love the times that I am there leading programs.  Over five years ago The Haven went through it’s on transition as Ben and Jock stepped away from being involved in day to day operations.  That transiton was very difficult for me because The Haven was more family then buisness.  I struggled with the shift and at one point pulled way back. I have reengaged though not quite at the same level.  Some of that is because I moved to Montana and I am not at The Haven as much or in contact with folks who are there as frequently.  Some of it is because I have become more enagged in the community out here and don’t have the band width to stay fully present in both worlds.

So my life is busy.  I have no doubt everyone goes through their own version of juggling what’s most important in their lives.  It’s not easy to keep a healthy balance.

I do have a image in my mind of trying to control a fire hose with the water turned on full force.  Right now I feel like the hose is whipping around in too mnay directions.  I either need to get a firmer grip on the hose to control the flow or I need to expand the hose so the water has more room to flow.

Next week I’ll be offline at a yoga retreat. Lots of time to figure out which way I want to go!

Life Experiences, Vision

Reflections & The New Year

1 Comment

Today’s the close of 2009.  For me this year seems to have flown by.  I think as I age the time passes quickly.  For many years my plans for new year’s eve involved The Haven and a wonderful program there called Reflections.  Each year the program started on the 28th and ran through the 1st of the new year.  The morning of each day  was spend with friends reflecting on the year and catching up and the afternoon was either free time or an opportunity to be a part of the fastest put together play production ever.  The play’s storyline was always the same – someone(s) is trying to stop the new year and someone(s) have to save the day.  Though the storyline is the same the characters are always new and developed by the folks participating.  Everyone gets to be the character they want which sometimes makes the play a bit wild.  Still on New Year’s Eve the play is the center of a great evening.  Along side the play is an awesome talent show.  Basically everything happens by 10pm and the rest of the evening is dancing and hanging out down in the lodge until midnight.  I always believed it was the best New Year’s event around.  By new year’s day there’s been enough reflecting and some imagining that the last morning’s sharing of the one word for the next year is magical and so much more fun then resolutions!

It’s been a few years now since I have made it to The Haven for Reflections.  Partially because it’s not an easy trip and I am generally going back later in January for a faculty weekend.  But I miss Reflections.  I try to create some of the same experience wherever I end up.  Of course the play is out; however, I do still spend time reflecting on the year and trying to come up with a word that resonates with the year ahead.  I’ve added a few things like a collage of images and words of things I want to fill my world with going forward.  This year I may even go and participate in a midnight meditation.

It’s a bit different this year because CrisMarie is in a place where she is grieving the passing of her brother, Tom.  We got so busy after he died that she never had the time to let her feelings surface and flow.  Now she realizes the loss and is working through her own process of letting go.  It is wonderful to be in support and I am aware that is also a process she needs to do at times alone.

Looking back on 2009, I am aware of some very exciting additions to my life.  Bailey of course.  Plus my blog.  Also I have become a yoga fan and even though I am not great yet believe I have reached a point where I can show up for a class anywhere and hold my own.  I did my own workshop – Living Life Full Out and had a positive experience.  We had some great work opportunities and created some excellent relationships.  I signed on as Chairman of the Board of JMSI and have been learning tons in that new role.  Some of the highs were going to the Harmara Yoga retreat, a wonderful Phase program in the summer (plus two excellent Come Alives!), finally making it to the Going to the Sun Road and discovering just how much fun it is to bike in Montana!!  The lows were my horrible winter cold, Tom’s passing, not being able to make to Spokane to visit with my family for the holiday and still not getting any skiing in yet.

Looking ahead I am excited about moving into my 50th year!  We are going back to Haramara for a the second annual yoga retreat and in June will head to Croatia for a bike trip.  It looks like there will be some changes in our work relationship to the Table Group and we are open to that.  There are many events already on my calendar for the year and I am sure there are many things that will pop up.  Last year my word was integration and I think the year’s reflected that.  Many parts of my world(s) came together and that was cool.

This year’s  word has not come forward yet.  I am thinking it has something to do with play, joy and wonder.  I know there are many challenging things happening in the world these days and fear and doubt are abundant.  However, may be it’s Bailey but my heart is light and excited about the possibilities.  When the final word surfaces I will let you know.  This blog has been like my reflections.  I haven’t heard as much from friends but invite you to share your own reflections and what you anticipate lies ahead.

Have a very Happy New year!!

Life Experiences

A Day of Complete Rest – Sounds Easy!

It is a time of year where I generally have amble material to write about.  The holidays stir up so many differences and traditions, family and relationship issues that I am rarely at a loss for a good rich topic to explore.  Maybe it’s this cold I have or maybe it’s Bailey; but this year I am just not rising to any thoughtful dialogue.  It’s true I have not read about fights of saying Merry Christmas vs Happy Holiday, or stories of airports having to take down Christmas trees because of religious unfairness so either the world is re-focused on more important issues or I have become a bit insulated here in Montana.

The biggest challenge I am facing this Christmas is a serious, unrelenting cold and a puppy that needs constant supervision.  Truthfully Bailey is learning faster then this cold is letting go.

The cold came on over a week ago now.  Every time I think I have turned the corner and I go to do some relatively simple activity like bringing in wood or walk in the woods,  suddenly I am back to square one.  The hardest part is at night, I can not stop the coughing.  Plus my mind kicks in and I start to wonder if this is H1N1 and  if I should go to the doctor etc., etc.

I have not had a bad cold in a very long time and I think that is part of the problem.  I am really no good at curling up in bed and resting, drinking fluids and otherwise doing nothing.  I told myself if the cold was back today that is what I was going to make myself do.  Bailey was going to Stolte’s for a play day and I was going to stay in bed and do nothing.

I do wonder why a day of complete rest so so hard.  I have never liked having to stay in bed.  I wouldn’t say I am an A-type personality.  Because a lot of my activity is not results oriented.  It is simply that I don’t like being sick, down, or may be the real word is helpless.  I do hate feeling helpless and being sick is just too close that feeling word for me!   Even when I was really sick (cancer, chem – sick) , I would force myself to put on my running gear and step out of my door as though I was going to run.  I never ran (likely walked a block or two)  but somehow I felt less helpless and in control if I could at least make the effort.  Even then being in bed all day was not easy.

Well it’s 6Am I woke myself up coughing and I went out to chop some wood and felt lousy.  Found enough already cut to come back in quickly.  All indicators point to me taking the day off.  I’m try to tell myself it’s okay to do nothing, especially if that is what will get rid of this cold!

I want to be healthy by Christmas.  I think a day of bed rest would help.  That means not even going out for lunch at the Green Tea House or deciding to run and pick up some needed supplies.  No my mission should I choose to take it is complete bed rest.  Movies, books and maybe a better blog then this will come out of it.  But most importantly allowing my body to totally focus on kicking this cold!!  Wish me luck!!

Life Experiences

Bailey’s Back

Bailey is back in our lives and this time for good.  Life with a puppy is exciting.  I find I have very little time to write unless I get up at 5AM when he is still sleeping.  Once Bailey is awake it is constant supervision!

I have read all the training manuals and checked out various websites to try and figure out what is the best way to ensure a positive adjustment for Bailey, for Sooke and for us.  Of course the data is endless and quite honestly not all that consistent.  Then add to the mix the number of people who once they meet Bailey provide tips or insights they have learned about boxers, or about helping older dogs get use to a puppy or about diet.

Let’s take diet.  There’s all protein, all whole grains, all raw – not to mention countless varieties and prices for something Bailey basically wolf’s down in seconds without any real interest in whether it is chicken, buffalo or pork.  Yes I want a healthy, gasless boxer and I have gathered from my reading that is a challenge.  But all the choices make it quite difficult to come to any clear decision.

Then there’s training.  Caesar says I need to be the top dog and that it’s exercise, discipline and then affection – that’s the right order.  The Boxer rescue folks are not too fond of Caesar and they suggest only positive reinforcement and never say Bailey’s name when angry.  That sounds great until I see him chewing on my leather boots and can not help but yell, “Bailey, No!!”.  So much for never yelling his name.

Then there’s is the little issue of Sooke.  The top dog in the house.  She’s nine an not so fond of the idea of sharing her world with the likes of Bailey.  She is trying.  She snaps at him and makes it clear she will decide when and if she is going to play.  They are best when outside with extra room.  However, temperatures in the single digits are making the time outside short.

So life with Bailey is exciting, exhausting and wonderful.  I have to believe that if we do a ‘good enough’ job of picking the right food, training and allowing the dogs to become pack – all will be okay. In the mean time the blogs will be shorter and likely focused on my canine world.  I hope the adjustment won’t take too long.

Communication, Connection, Life Experiences

Saluting A Comrade

1 Comment

In just a few days we’ll be back into the thick of our work.  We have client work that fills the next two weeks.  In some ways this is a good thing.  For CrisMarie it will give her something to focus on as she continues to integrate the information that her brother is gone.  For me it’ s a way to quit thinking so much about cancer.

Tom in many ways was more of a ‘brother in arms’ to me than a brother-in-law.  I never fought in a war, but over the years I have worked with many folks who did and they often spoke of the unique relationship they had with anyone else who served.  For me, there is something similar with the folks who cross my path while dealing with cancer.  It goes way back to my own fight and the people who were in the oncology department at the same time I was.  Really, the first comrade I remember was the other woman who was in the Life, Death & Transitions workshop with me along with 90 other folks who were health-care providers for cancer patients.  The workshop was run by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who was an expert in the field on death & dying.  I went because I was told I was dying and really had no clue how to do that at 24 and thought the workshop might help.  The other woman was fighting breast cancer and  had been for a while, much like a long term, multiple-tour veteran.  She  had a very strict routine and belief system.  I don’t think she liked me very much because I was not really ‘strong’.  I wasn’t doing everything by the book.  Of course, I did not know there was a book, but she had a very clear intent and was not going to give the cancer one ounce of  negative energy.  No tears, no anger.  I was a bit more undisciplined, and I sort wished she would cry because I could feel the pain she carried under the surface.  Still, I respected her choice – how she fought.

There have been many more folks since then.  I have sat and talked, cried, screamed and raged with many comrades.  I still am a bit undisciplined in my approach to cancer.  I am not one to believe it’s all about being positive or about fighting the good fight.  I think the cancer fight is quite unique.  There is a bond we share, but there isn’t a common play book that wins the war.

Even after twenty years, as I sat with Tom and he looked to me for some sort of answers, I knew I had none.  There is no right way to deal with cancer.  Just like there isn’t a right way to deal with living through a war.  It’s a bloody fight and many people die.

There are lots of lessons learned from studying veterans.  Though each war seems different, there are the common links.  I think it is like that with cancer.  There are different types of cancer, fast growing cell types, slow growing, very invasive and more contained types.  There are many ways of fighting a war – on the ground, in the air, on the water or even gorilla style.  Same with cancer – there’s chemo, radiation, surgery, transplants and also the alternative style which may be more like gorilla style – not as organized or as obvious.  There’s a mindset that is required to fight cancer.  People are uncomfortable talking about cancer – particularly about the obvious closeness of death.  Much like wars – we don’t like to talk about the ugly reality of a war zone.

But really, for me, one of the hardest parts is when a comrade dies.  My heart aches.  I feel survivor quilt. I question my recovery and I rage against the crazy cancer process.

My war was many, many years ago and yet when I am with another cancer comrade I am right back there in the fight.  That’s why I am glad I’ll soon be back at my other job.  I don’t like the pain of reliving the past.  Of course, I will do it all again if I believe it can help one comrade in their fight against cancer.  Much like we all wish for a world without wars, I wish for a world without cancer.  Oddly, I think war and cancer are way too much alike.  Wars are simply men and women fighting each other over different beliefs and stories that are so deeply ingrained and compartmentalized that the the human connection has been lost.  Cancer is just my cells fighting against each other having lost the connecting link – communication has broken down.

Today isn’t about solving the bigger communication issue.  Though that is the very reason I do the work I do.  No, today still about saluting a comrade.  Today is also about crying for all the lives lost to this dirty, rotten war called cancer.  Tomorrow will be the day to move on and get back to work doing my little part to help improve the way people communicate.   May be someday that will make a difference by helping stop a war on any one of the many fronts we keep fighting them.

Life Experiences

Wild & Crazy Cancer Process

2 Comments

Bailey is in the background for the moment.  We got a call very early that Tom, CrisMarie’s brother was getting much worse and we needed to get to Portland.  We got here late yesterday and have now spent most of today supporting the family in making the types of decisions no one wants to make.

Tom has been battling colon cancer for the better part of a year.  He actually did amazingly well with the treatments and was sailing towards a very positive report.  Right up until the last round.  After that last round he just never got his strength back.  Before too long he wasn’t just battling cancer but pneumonia.  Now after many nights in the hospital, a brief spell at home and another collapse, the doctor’s are not really sure what is happening.  They are fighting on many fronts and nothing seems to be working.  Today the talk was more about passing in a peaceful supportive way.

That conversation happened at 11AM and the room of friends and family cleared – all thinking very different things about what would be best.  I do think we all agreed we wanted whatever was best for Tom, Jan and the boys.  But I don’t think anyone was really ready to figure that out by talking about death. We all wanted to do something – thus the empty room shortly after the doctor left.

I don’t pretend to know what is right.  I know this is very hard.  Going into the room with Tom, it’s clear he is still wanting every chance to beat this thing and whatever comes at him next.  It’s also clear he is very exhausted, confused and uncertain how he got to this point and what really he can do about.

Jan is a fighter and also doing an amazing job of handling family, friends and dealing openly with her two teenage sons.  The boys were pretty stoic this morning and now both are in and out tears while coming to terms with the real possibility their father might be dying.

Myself I don’t know how to answer his questions about how did I get through it, how did I live.  I wish I had an answer – why me, why does one get better and someone else doesn’t.  I know it’s not about the number of good things I’ve done.   That much I know for sure.  It is not that some deserve to live and others don’t.

I do wonder though if there isn’t something about being open to living or dying or at least open to feeling everything related to living or dying.  Just being willing to go to either place.  I know it helped me to talk about my fears, my desire to quit and my anger that I even had to think about that. I know talking about those raw emotions ripping through me helped.  Talking about the wild and crazy cancer process – the desire to live, the desire to die, the fear, the anger.  Those type of conversations helped me.  I’m not sure if that would help Tom.  He seems more caught in fighting.

So I sit here away from the family for a while.  Writing in this blog about the things I would want to be talking about with all of them.  But that’s not the way of this family.  They have their own way of dealing with this crazy cancer process.  I respect that.

Tonight I’ll be staying with my friend also battling cancer.  She riddled with tumors and has been for a long time.  Usually we laugh about the crazy cancer process.  It’s odd being in this world.  Far away from Bailey.  Yet just as immediate and uncertain.  I am really no more prepared for this than I am for having a puppy.

Yet life isn’t about being prepared it’s all about being present.  Staying present even when it hurts.  So I’ll finish and head back to the family room.  I don’t know if I’m here to support Tom dying or not.  I just know I am open to whatever choice he makes.