Monthly Archives: October 2009

Connection, Vision

My Current Thinking on Energy & Evolution

We are energy beings.  What does that mean?  Well for me it means we vibrate and are fluid by design.  Sometimes that is hard to remember because my body and mind can get quite rigid and tight.  However, I know when I take a deep breath I can feel that vibration. Because we are vibrating beings, we are deeply connected to everything around us.  This planet and universe is all just energy and we are connected to that pulsing, oscillating frequency.  Energy moves in and out of physical form, appearing and disappearing.  We have spend eons of time trying to understand and confirm how this all works. But I wonder is that really the purpose of being here?

I realize there are many people who believe there is a God somewhere that will some day or in some way tell us or show us the bigger plan.  Myself I can’t imagine some masculine or feminine being out there with answers or directing the show.  I can imagine energy, moving, pulsating, vibrating – bursting into form, disappearing and appearing again.  I can also imagine that there is some type of consciousness or purpose beyond any one individual’s grasp.  From that perspective,  it’s not hard to believe that when this universe appeared we,  as living beings,  were more fluid and illuminated.  To me this means we were ourselves moving in and out of physical and non-physical experiences. As time passed we became more dense and our physical form less fluid.  I can imagine that because in this one lifetime that has been what has happened.  When I was young, very young,  my body vibrated. Babies are much closer to that fluid, pulsating beings and likely more connected to ALL or Source.  Maybe not consciously but organically and naturally. Then we learn to conform and ‘fit in’ and that path tightens and solidifies not just our muscular system but our minds and our beliefs.  This does make it possible to live together easier; however, we tend to do the conforming a bit to intensely and at some point often quite early lose touch or bury our deeper connection to that universal, pulsing energy.  We forget we are one and tend to believe we are The One.

This lifetime experience I believe is holographic to the planet’s experience.  Our planet or universe as been about experimenting with physical and non-physical forces.  Much like my short lifespan experience, the planet started much more fluid and pulsating and over time has solidified.

This is relevant I think because our planet is shifting back.  Science is beginning to uncover and report ways of understanding some of this through quantum physics and string theory.  We are evolving or may be simply returning or remembering. The planet’s rotation is reported as speeding up.  So are we.

Indeed this might result in a crisis and extinction of humankind and all life on the planet.  But if I don’t panic and simply recognize that my energy is revving up I can still breath and become aware.  I don’t really believe I am going to explode or become extinct.  Instead I find when I breath and tap back into the vibration I hear more, see more and discover ways I am connected to everyone and everything.

The stories we each live by and cling to are exploding and falling away.  The harder I try to hold on the tighter and more constricted I feel.  However, when I let go instead of no-thing I have a felt sense and greater knowing of the energy that is moving, pulsing and vibrating all around me.  My mind expands as does my body and spirit. Of course it also contracts again.  I am again in motion, moving and remembering, experiencing moments of timeless, space-less consciousness.  I am we and we are one. I can not stay there and may be that is the purpose. I am simply a contracting and expanding piece of a much bigger whole. When I am open and connected to that greater consciousness I get it.  When I contract I simply need to remember and allow the natural experience of being in an ocean.  Consciousness is never lost though at times it might be only visible to another.  It’s not all about me – we are in this together and once we get that – well who knows what will be possible!!

Life Experiences

Where the Wild Things Are

Okay I read the reviews and almost decided I would not go see the movie, Where the Wild Things Are. However, I was having a rough day and I wanted to just take myself to a movie  and the alternative was Love Happens. I quickly skimmed the reviews and decided Wild Things was my better bet.

One of the criticisms of the movie was that the monsters were not happy and that it was too violent.  Basically the biggest issue was that it might not be appropriate for children.  Well no problem there, I am almost fifty.

Personally I thought the movie was quite amazing.  The monsters were indeed sad, depressed, angry and even violent at times, but the boy, Max,  created them at a time when that did seem to be the theme of his life.  Yes I was lost at times but I could so relate to this inner world of demons and his tendency to be a bit grandiose about himself.  The idea that he could be king.  I myself have used my imagination many times to make myself the hero of some world.

One of the monsters, Carol was of course most disturbed – very angry and destructive – yet also the most creative and in some ways the most committed to the whole gang.  He wanted them to all sleep together in a big pile and he totally believed in Max. I liked Carol.  I could see me when I’m hurt or sad.  Yes I am fifty but I can still get sad and hate to show it. I prefer to howl in the wind then ask a friend to hold me while I cry.  Plus I want to believe there’s a way for us all to get along and be together and I do  imagine a world that is  much like Carol’s hand built kingdom.  I write like he builds and when I am hurt sometimes I hit delete and destroy the magical place as though that will somehow take away the pain.

Yes the movie was about the wild things – our monsters, inner feelings that we struggle to accept.  In the end the one mute monster simply asked, “will you say nice things about us” and I felt myself tear up.  Indeed it is so hard to embrace my inner demons.  The feelings and emotions that get me into trouble and create distance.  Yet I truly believe much like that mute monster, those feelings are asking for compassion, acceptance and feedback that I see them and will create a safe space for them to live.

I’m glad I took myself to the movie.  I am not dealing with my parent’s divorce or a sister who doesn’t acknowledge me.  But sometimes I feel very lonely and lost in my world.  As though I am not making much of a difference or scared of some horrible event that will wipe out the ones I love.  These moments stir up the wild things and may be I need to listen, to let the wild things have some space to rage and play and eventually sleep together in a big pile.  Yes, I think the movie helped remind me of the importance of taking care of my own wild things!


Life Experiences

Life is Like Theater – Our Job is to Make it Pop!

I have had the pleasure of going to the theater three night in a row.  Yes I have watched the same show each night.  I live in Whitefish, Montana not NY, so there are two theater groups but only one performance hall.  You may be asking why three nights?  Or thinking my partner or child must be in the show.  Truth is my partner is in the show which is the reason I had tickets for two nights.  But the reason I have gone three is because I love live threater.  Yes the lines are the same, the story doesn’t change; however, the actors interact differently with each other and the audience each night.

I would not go so often if it wasn’t a wonderful, inspiring play.  That does make a big difference.  The play, You Can’t Take It With You is a wacky comedy set in the 30’s with a timeless message about living your dreams and being happy not just successful.  The Sycamores are a family that remind me a bit of my own.  I believe I grew up in a home with lots of things going on, at times people coming and going who were not the norm and the message I got from my folks was one that did resonate with the theme of the movie; do what you love.

However, it wasn’t memories of childhood that took me back to the theater.  for the past six to eight weeks I have learned bits of the play quite well as CrisMarie practiced her lines and I played whatever part preceded her entry onto the stage.  I also learned many insider stories about the folks who were in the show with her.  Their past lives on the stage and their reasons for letting fame go to come and volunteer and thrive in community theatre instead of NY, LA or such places.  Still that wasn’t enough to get me there every night.  Though it was a significant piece.  The commitment these people make to a show is amazing.  They do become like ‘family’ and it is something meaningful and purpose driven.

Bottom line I came because each night I loved watching Rheba come to life.  CrisMarie has talked of acting for a while and yes she did perform and take many classes a few years back.  But this first full production has been something else.  She has thrived getting to know her part.  At times fearful she wasn’t going to get the accent and at other points believing she was missing the laughs.  But mostly she has been fully alive as Rheba – the Sycamore’s maid.  I have loved the transformation.  For me much more exciting the classes.  Plus she has found people like her.  People who love performing. People who have taken her in and shown her the ropes of community theater.

They’ve warmed up to me as well.  Of course not all shows may be as fun and delightful as this one.  There are still five more shows on this run and I imagine some will be less exciting then the first three.  I don’t plan on going to them all.

Still I don’t generally watch a movie twice or repeat a TV show especially and never night after night.  But live theater that is different.  If the lines are well written and the actors know their stuff each night comes to life – resonating with the audience in that moment.  Each night is different, unique and that makes theater pop!!

Live Theater seems like such a interesting blend of ego and collaboration.  The actors have to own their part and make it bigger then everything else.  Then let go of that so they can fully connect and relate to each other each night.  Add to that the the audience – an audience that laughs at different parts and in different ways each and every night, leaving the actor to wonder, did I hit my mark? Plus since it is live sometimes a line is dropped or missed providing that moment when someone either picks it up or finds a graceful way through without letting anyone know a mistake was made.

Live theater is really so much like life.  We are often repeating patterns, there is not a lot new about daily life. However, if we trust our lines and know our patterns, we can make ourselves important enough to fully embody our unique part.  Then we can open, relate and connect to the others on our stage and our audience.  That’s when life pops!!

Life Experiences

Dealing with My Internal Eruptions

Every once in a while I have these extreme reactions to things.  It is like a volcano is erupting inside.  Often the external events do not seem to warrant such a hugh reaction and I do my best to cover up the internal storm.  Yet I know I am not one who hides emotions well.  Too often I can feel my nostrils flaring and something will come out of my mouth that is loaded with intensity and energy.  I am getting better at noticing the signals and therefore try to regulate.  I do have to live with the consequences of my transparency.  Yes I have wished often for a better facial mask or easy skills at compartmentalizing until later.  But no – that is not my gift or charm.  I am the ‘reactor’ and can not hide when something seems incongruent to me.

Yesterday I had one of those moments.  As I was running a Board meeting, a topic surfaced that quickly resulted in a boiling point inside of me.  I did my best to navigate through the meeting without too much damage.  However, I am left wondering why was I so bothered.  The issue involved a history of allowing folks to ‘pay over time’ or give services in exchange tuition (this was a school Board).  The school has  struggled with financial issues but this has never been enough of a concern to stop the process.  At today’s meeting a new case was presented and it seemed the decision was going to be different.  This time the answer was ‘no’.  I am not sure why I was so angry but I was.  I guess because this had been such an incongruent process to date and frankly for me it seemed unfair that suddenly the ‘norm’ was going to be changed.  I did my best to deal with my reaction but left just needing to get some space.

Later I found I would quickly return to the same strong feelings and realized I was dealing with a significant level of resentment.  I had clearly not spoken over the years as the policy had been set and established to allow some to not pay or do very creative arrangements around payment.  Sure there were some real issues and reasons for me to be upset.  However, even know I get I am still avoiding the real issue.  None of this would bother me so much if I was okay with my own boundaries and commitments to the school, the Board and the folks involved.

Long ago I had learned that anytime resentment surfaces the key is to look at my own boundaries and discover where I was not honoring myself.  I have helped many people of the years shift from being resentful and angry simply by having them address their own unmet needs and unset boundaries. Generally once that is done the resentment vanishes.

For me I know I enjoy my volunteer work at the school.  However, I often spend more time focused and assisting the school then I do moving forward on some of my own important projects and dreams.  No one is making me do that but me.  I think I find it easier to help someone else or some other cause move out into the the world then myself.

Even as I write this the eruption inside subsides.  Indeed I do need to address the incongruent behaviour.  It is just not the school’s behaviour I need to be focused on.  First I need to work on my own.  Make time for my projects and be sure I am scheduling the time and support I need to make my dreams happen.  I am guessing once that alignment is right I will find an easy way to talk about the policies of the school and I doubt my nostrils will be flaring.

Life Experiences

Hold Myself & Others As Able

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I got a call from a friend late one evening.  My friend was having one of those dark nights of the soul and was reaching out asking,”Will I ever be okay?”.  I could hear in her voice the fear and in her tone the over-writing anger and self-hate that was making it very hard for the average person to connect with her.  I know that place.  When I am hurting, sad or feeling helpless, the last thing I want to do is let anyone know that.  Instead I talk tough, push back on any encouragement that seems to be implying I’ve ever been in this place before and totally negate any positive or inspiration aspect of my tenacious will and willful life force.  I did understand and everything in me wished I could just teleport myself to where she was and give her a big hug.

Instead, I suggested my favorite way to get through a dark night when it’s too late to visit a dog park (the best daytime way to deal with despair).  I encouraged her to make a pot of tea and watch a Disney or light movie such as:  Lilo & Stitch, Harry Potter (the first one) or Legally Blond.  If I am really feeling sorry for myself, I ditch the tea and make a very big bowl of air popcorn with Bragg’s and Brewer’s yeast.  I do think it is important to have a shelf of movies and chamomile tea on hand throughout the year.

We talked, and I knew I was still the only one on the phone, who had faith and confidence in her spirit and life force by the time we hung up.  Still I knew I could not decide for her.  She was going to have to find a path through the dark night.  I wanted to call her the next day, but I thought it best to wait.  Primarily, because I had spoken of my confidence and faith in her, and I did not want to sound wavering. It wasn’t until a few days out that I got and email from her saying she was feeling better.

Having been a mental health professional for many years, and a mental health client before that, I know the drill.  Set up a contract, “I promise not to kill myself.” Personally, I  never liked that concept.  For me the best words I ever heard on the other end of the line when I wanted to kill myself were, “It is your choice.  I even understand why you are thinking of quitting, but I personally hope you don’t make that choice.”  The power of someone giving me the choice and believing in me to make the best choice, that was amazing.  I really got that I could choose.  Suddenly I had power.  Before that moment, I had felt helpless and powerless.

It is hard to let someone choose.  Whether it’s as life or death as suicide or watching someone choose to stay in a horrible job that they are slowly letting take the joy from them, it is hard to let them choose.  Still I am a big believer in holding people as able.  In my own life experience I did not really understand joy until I understood choice.  The idea that it is never the hand you are dealt that gives you joy or any feeling for that matter.  You get to decide how you respond to the circumstances of your life and you get to make that decision over and over.  meaning you can make it differently.  That is powerful.

The most loving and caring thing anyone has ever done for me is holding me as able. Believing in my ability to choose life even when I did not.  Sure I still have my dark nights that’s why I always have tea and movies on standby as well as friend who remind me I am able.  I can choose!

Life Experiences

Staying Positive While Stuck in Denver!

Yesterday I spent most of my day in airports or on the tarmac.  I was traveling to South Dakota through Denver for an afternoon meeting.  Then heading to Seattle through Denver again in the evening.  The connections looked easy but it’s fall and Denver had a light snow storm with lots of fog.  Needless to say, travel problems started with the first flight.  Still by a miracle I did make it through to South Dakota arriving one hour late but making the meeting! More problems occurred heading to Seattle and now I am sitting in the Denver airport after spending a short night at the Red Lion courtesy of United.  Feeling sorry for myself I headed to the Red Carpet area and it seems they felt sorry for me as well.  After looking at my flights yesterday I was given a pass in for the morning.

As I sat in Souix Falls last night listening to the reports of delays related to O’Hare and Denver, I found myself wondering as I have before – Why are the largest airport hubs in cities that seem notorious for weird , difficult weather? Okay may be these airports have so many delays and issues because the largest airlines have hubs there.   I also found myself wondering why the hotels are so far away from the Denver airport.  By the time I had taken the shuttle and settled in I was only a few hours away from a a wake up call to go back to the airport since I was about 40 mins away.  This had me thankful that generally I can take regional flights with smaller airlines like Horizon.

Of course I don’t want to sound too annoyed I still have not made it to Seattle.  Plus there were and are those bright spots.  Like the woman who made sure I was going to be on a flight this morning and kept me in my seat to Denver just in case I made it.  She was great.  Another flight person did an amazing job of sticking luggage in very small spaces through the plane when it looked like some people’s bags were not going to fit underneath.  As I mentioned earlier there was the woman gave me a pass into the lounge after looking at my flights yesterday.

Then there are the folks who like me are stuck.  With some I can share road warrior stories but the ones I really enjoy are the folks who are less hardened by the frequent flight delays and seem to maintain an adventurous attitude.  One woman had two small children – the kids thought the time in the airport was great – she laughed as she ran around trying to kept up with the kids until they both fell asleep on the floor.  Only then did the exhaustion show.

Indeed traveling through airports has it’s challenges and sitting here I have all sorts of thoughts about how it could be better.  Bottom line it’s awesome that I can travel as easily as I do.  Airports just give me such an opportunity to see all types of people traveling for all types of reasons.  It’s quite amazing!

Okay I am off to catch the last leg of my trip.  Hopefully I’ll be home when I write again!!