Uncategorized

Moving Beyond Blame

Recently I watched a wonderful TED talk by Brene Brown entitled The Power of Vulnerability. I encourage everyone to watch the short twenty minute talk.  I won’t cover the major points, but one segment is worthy of more coverage.  Brene provides a definition of blame as a way of discharging pain and hurt.  In her video she was suggesting that we might bypass blaming if we understand that blaming is simply a way to avoid feeling pain.  Personally, I took this another way.  As I understand it, there is often an energetic need to discharge pain and hurt, and if this is true, then I can search for effective ways of creating the space for that to occur.

As an example, I have had to deal with some experiences in my past that were quite painful.  As someone who experienced physical and sexual violence, I found myself angry and unable to move beyond those memories.  It wasn’t until I arrived at The Haven that I discovered a path for fully embracing and expressing my blame and discharging that fixated energy within a circle of people who held the space, a place where I discovered that discharging was important because, energetically, I was carrying that story in my cells.

Once I had the opportunity to release the charge, I no longer needed to keep holding that story.  The circle of people provided an easy path of moving out of being a victim.  As others witnessed my pain and hurt, and then invited me to connect by making eye contact and listening to the impact my sharing may have had on others, I was able to be fully in my feelings of pain and hurt, discharging the fixated energy.  I did not need anyone to fix it, change or remove the experience.  All that I wanted was a space to allow the feelings to be expressed and move through the blame.  Being fully in my blame felt made me feel vulnerable and raw.  Yet when I looked around the room, I knew I was not alone—in my pain or my blame.

We are human. We try so hard to avoid many deep feelings.  We even try hard not to blame or be seen as a victim.  Part of being vulnerable is revealing our desire to blame, even if that is not the best solution.  It is very special when others makes a space for that to be okay, giving us permission to go further, allowing deeper feelings to be expressed.  That space opens us up and allows all the other feelings to surface.

I am always moved when people ask for a space to scream, wail, fight and discharge the pain of being human. I am quite open to making that space and being a witness to the human experience.  I greatly value those in my life who have done the same for me.  I have learned it is not about fixing our human experience—that is the work of heroes and gods.  The greatest gift is simply being fully present, accepting the human experience, knowing we are not alone. That is the path I have found moves me beyond blame.

Life Experiences

My Top Ten Best Of 2010

The new year is already flying by.  I thought I’d write another blog by wrapping up 2010 with my version of a Top Ten.  It seems like every blogger has some type of Top Ten list and I thought it might be fun to share some of my favorite things from 2010, before 2011 is too far along.

1. Best Gadget: The iPad. I know everyone is talking about iPad2 now, and of course I understand that the iPad2 will be better then the original.  However, I have no regrets.  I have loved having the iPad!  I carry it everywhere and find new uses for it all the time.

2. Best Song: Kingdom Come by DynoJamz. Take a listen. I may never have heard of this song were it not for my nephew, Clarke Reid, who composed the music.  The band is an interesting blend of rap, brass, and piano. This is the preview track from their new album.

3. Best Movie: The Social Network. I haven’t really been a Facebook person, however,  I love the director Aaron Sorkin and quite enjoyed the movie.  Plus, I came home and got myself back online and have been enjoying a bit more Facebook.

4. Best Novel: Half Broke Horses by Jeanette Walls.  I loved this book, couldn’t put it down.  It’s the story of a resilient woman with and a very strong character.  I highly recommend it.

5. Best Nonfiction: Cooking Up Good Vibrations.  Check it out! This is the best gluten-free cookbook! Even I can follow the recipes. Plus, I know the folks who put it together and think everyone should have a copy.

6. Best Place to Eat: The Green Tea House in Whitefish, MT.  I eat there almost everyday for lunch.  I love the food and enjoy just hanging out.  If you’re ever in Whitefish, try it.

7. Best iPad App: Pulse. I like this application because I can get tons of information, everything from news feeds to Facebook updates, on one page.  I like being able to put in a topic and quickly pull lots of information from the web to review.

8. Best TV Show:  Modern Family. I have enjoyed every episode and laughed out loud at least a few times during each show.  The characters are great and the script smart – love that!

9. Best Play:  Colin Quinn: Long Story Short. Normally this would be a local selection but this year I was in New York for a series of great shows, so CrisMarie’s appearance in Dividing The Estate, though seen the most, did not make the top of the chart.  Colin Quinn: Long Story Short was a surprise hit for me.  It’s the performance of one guy for 75 minutes. I just didn’t think it could beat out musicals.  But we talked about it for days and we’re still bring up some of the best lines.  It was an awesome show.

10. Best Gift: Celebrating Life Bike Shirts. Renee and Jim totally surprised me with awesome bike shirts for all four of us (CrisMarie, Jim, Renee and I) to wear while on our bike tour in Croatia!  Renee is a master of surprise. At the beginning of the trip, and she and Jim pulled out the shirts wrapped with a ribbon and a colorful bike bell—it was perfect!

Best Gift!!

Okay, so this is my take on a random list of things that delighted my year.  2011 is already offering some new delights but you will have to wait for those.  I plan to get back to more regular postings now that the year is launched.

Uncategorized, Vision

All This Joy, All This Sorrow

The weather outside is delightful—snowy, cold and windy!  Perfect for sitting by a fire and reflecting on 2010!  I have been writing this blog in my mind for days.  Yet have found it very hard to sit down long enough to put fingers to keyboard and get something on the screen.

As I look back over the year there are so many moments of wonder and joy! Though in many ways 2010 started with sorrow. Last year the holiday was heavy, having just returned from being together with the Campbells and saying goodbye to Tom Campbell, CrisMarie’s brother.  As a result, Christmas was sort thrown together.  We went through the motions but without the inspiration that often comes with the season.

Still, life did move on.  We added boxer Bailey to our family and of course that bought a surge of new life and energy to the mix!  Bailey has definitely been a highlight.  However, there have been those moments when we have both wondered what we were thinking after our third run or walk of the day or when he is not quite ready to settle down and heads across the room with some precious object of ours, knowing we will be after him.  It has taken Sooke a bit longer to discover the joy of having another dog around the house but they have finally become friends.

I turned 50 this year.  For some this might be considered a sorrow; however, I am loving this transition.  It helped that I had an amazing ‘celebrating life’ biking experience in Croatia to mark the date.  We went with our friends Renee and Jim and a great group of folks through Vermont Bike Tours and the trip was awesome.  As I settled into my fifties, I realized it was time to discover what color my hair really was. I have been coloring my hair for so long and with such variety, that I wasn’t quite sure what it would be like.  Of course gray was expected; however, the surprise was how much I liked the short silver results.  (I personally think of it as silver, but I’m not kidding myself—anyone else would say gray!)

I lost a few friends during the year.  By far the hardest was getting the news that Dianne Anderson had left us.  In many ways I knew it was coming and this was moment of great sorrow (I will miss her laugh and our visits whenever I am at The Haven) and great joy. Dianne’s life in her body had been very hard for a while and I do believe I felt her joy as she let go of that heavy weight! Kumi was another shining star for me who died later in the year.  She was not as close a friend, but an amazing soul who had graced my life with some special moments.

The year has had many milestones: my Dad turned 90, we moved our business to Montana and marked it with the purchase of land and a new Subaru, and we had some great work experiences and became even more engaged with the Table Group.  Of course there were some great Haven highlights of joy and sorrow in sharing people’s journey through The Phase and Come Alive programs.   Here in Montana,  I discovered how great it is to hike in Glacier National Park, and I covered many miles on my bike before and after the Croatia trip.

I became Chairman of the Board for the school I am a part of here in Whitefish.  As a result, I discovered the challenges and responsibilities as we produced our first cookbook, took on the financial oversight of The Green Tea House, and worked with the staff and faculty as they wrestled through a year of transition with changes in leadership and direction.

This holiday season was kicked off in style as we headed to New York again with Jim and Renee.  Jim’s bucket list included being in New York for the holidays and taking in lots of shows, good company and great food.  It was a blast!

Indeed this has been an amazing year!  Maybe the best part has been seeing CrisMarie move through her grief and enjoy engaging in this holiday season.  She seemed to really thrive in finding the perfect gifts for giving family and friends.  That is what this time of year is all about.  The spirit of Christmas isn’t so much about religion as it is about magic and giving; being open to feel and experience all the joy, all the sorrow and all the promise of possibility that being human offers each of us.

May each of you have fun reflecting on your year and stepping into the new possibilities that 2011 brings your way.

Life Experiences

Team Subaru – A Different Kind of Sales Experience

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In 2004 we purchased a new car, a cypress green convertible VW Beetle. We have loved that car. Over the years we have enjoyed many happy moments cruising between Seattle and somewhere generally north of the border with the top down, small children waving to us at every corner. Indeed Gracie, as we fondly named her, was a great investment.

However, we are now in Montana and Gracie spends most of the year in our garage because of winter conditions. Sure, we still enjoy summer sunny days with the top down, but with winter arriving early with predictions of snow, we knew it was time for a change.

We did try to replace our VW Bug with another VW. We had our eye on a Jetta wagon. We approached the local dealer with cash and a desire to purchase. But the service was horrible. We really tried to buy a car from them, going to the showroom twice—once finding no one to help us, and the other learning the Jetta was not in stock. It was sad. The truth was, another VW was probably not the best solution anyway. Still, we really were decided on that Jetta wagon, but without a salesman willing to assist us, we headed on down the road to Subaru.

I have heard nothing but good things from folks who have owned Subarus. However, they have never really been cars that ignite my inner playful side. I enjoy the Subaru ads and imagine myself to me an off-roads sort of gal. But CrisMarie was a much harder sell. To her, the cars lacked color and sportiness. Still, I though we should at least give it test drive.

Right away we noticed the difference on our first visit to the dealership. The place was busy. A salesman checked in with us quickly, taking a copy of our licenses’ and sending us off on a test drive – ALONE! We drove an Outback and an Impreza and said we’d be back. No pushiness or pressure, and though CrisMarie was far from sold, she loved the service.

We did our research and tried a couple more times at getting the Jetta. But the VW dealership must not have seen us as serious customers. Even online efforts failed to get responses. So we headed back to Subaru. This time we tried the entire line. Instead of our original salesman, we had a new guy, Dirk, who wanted to ride along with us. Even though I was as bit uncomfortable with the idea, in the end he was a great resource (and a fellow Honda Element lover). Dirk explained that the Subaru Team was quite different then most sales departments. Three of the four guys had all worked together up the road at the Honda dealer (thus the depth of knowledge of Honda) and each of them wanted something different. Because of their lifestyles and values they decided to go against the norm in car selling and operate as a team instead of individual salesmen.

Of course I had my doubts. But over the next few visits, we worked with each of the sales teams at one time or another. They were all consistent about the team approach, the belief in the product, and that the customer experience was the real seller of Subaru. They were open, authentic, and never once did I feel pushed or committed to one salesperson.

One of the guys, Rod, shared what he believed were their shared values. First, they respected each other and the strengths they each bought to the team. They also valued the customer’s experience and believed customers would come back. (Apparently the car sales training approach is NEVER let them leave the lot—once gone they won’t be back— and this does ring true with most of my car buying experiences.) Finally, they all had different lifestyles but realized that quality of life was more important than individual sales numbers. We did find they each had different styles. John, who was our original guy, won me over when he let us drive away so quickly, alone. Dirk was more the charmer. He got in the car with us and sold the Subaru. Rod was with us through the bulk of the selling process. He wasn’t pushing extras, no haggling about price, offering a high resell value on our bug. It was Rod who explained Team Subaru and their unique team approach. And it was obvious how they all played an important part.

In the end, we found the car for us. It helped that there was lots of snow and some ice to prove the value of AWD in Montana. But what really sold us was the experience. We love our Honda element. However, the Outback had some nice perks and when it came to getting up our driveway (the real test of all wheel driving,) the Subaru was awesome. So in the end, Team Subaru won our business.

There was a moment after we purchased our car when Team Subaru became human. We had left with the expectation of picking up our car in two days with dog gate installed and clear something complete (yes they did sell us a few additional items). We found out the morning we were coming to drive the new car away, there had been a mistake. The car wouldn’t be ready for at least another couple days. Now really this would not have been a big deal, but because we had high expectations and did not get the word until quite late, we were quite disappointed. Of course, I found myself annoyed because I could not understand why they didn’t tell us the clear something took extra time. In the end, Team Subaru came through. We had our crucial conversation, and they explained that with a busy service department and not really knowing the final items, they had over-promised. Dirk let us have a new Legacy to drive until the car was ready! Really, all I needed was some sort of acknowledgment and I would have been satisfied, but the car was a nice bonus!

Since the new car was a business purchase, it totally fits that we went with Team Subaru. We hope the guys will let us use them as a case study of a smart and healthy sales team. I sure wish there were more car dealerships operating using their sales approach. It might take a while for other sales departments to catch on. So if you are looking to enjoy buying a car, visit the guys at Team Subaru (Don K Subaru) in Whitefish, MT.  Tell them we sent you and we’ll get a free dinner.

Thanks guys!  You are proof that teams work—even in sales!

Life Experiences

Our Thanksgiving Adventure!

We thought we had the perfect plan.  Every year we have a Canadian client who plans their executive off site the week of our Thanksgiving. We don’t really have a huge issue with this, except the travel part of the equation. Being on the roads or in the air during the week of Thanksgiving is generally not such a great idea. So this year, with the location being in Toronto, I made the plan to stay an extra day and fly home on Thanksgiving day. I figured most folks wanted to be home for the holiday, thus the airports would be less crowded and things would be running smoothly.

The idea was working well coming through customs in Toronto. Our line was short and easy to navigate. Arriving in Minnesota, we had time for a matcha green tea at Starbucks and some snacks before getting to our gate for the last leg of the trip home. Our plans were to have a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with our friends at The Green Tea House.

As we were making our way to the departure gate, we saw the first sign of an issue. The word delayed was parked next to our flight number to Kalispell. We went to the nearest Delta desk to inqure. The answer was discouraging: “Wow, I have no idea what this code means, but the computer says your flight is only 30 minutes delayed”. I never like hearing, “I have no idea what that means.” I’ve heard that before and it generally means trouble.

Once at the gate, we saw that the delay was still showing as only 30 minutes. However, the folks at the desk were whispering amongst themselves, and I had a bad feeling about what might be coming next. Sure enough, the desk folks told us there was a maintenance issue, but that it wasn’t the plane but the gas line from the refueling truck. This should be fixed quickly.

The next sign of further issues came when some folks watching the plane out the window commented on the cloud of smoke coming from the back. At that point, it had been at least forty-five minutes since an update. With the crowd moving to the window, the desk folks made another announcement. This time we learned there was indeed a plane issue, some type of fuel line leak inside the plane. At this point they offered us food vouchers. I think they were hoping most of us would stop looking at the window.

There were various reactions to the news. I was frustrated with the inconsistent information but grateful we were not going to be boarding a smoking plane. Most folks were grumpy but not too upset. One woman started on a major rant about why anyone ever came to Montana and her appreciation for living in New York City. I briefly wanted to encourage her not to visit Montana again after sitting next to her while she complained to everyone she knew on the phone.

The desk team still held out hope for a flight but soon there was the first mention of a possible cancellation. Plus, the flight crew, which had boarded earlier, came off the plane. The pilot assured us the plane was too cold and they were just taking a break for warmth. Truthfully, he seemed nervous about having to inform the crowd of another delay. This really started the flurry of activity. There was only one other option for getting back to Montana that day, and it involved switching to Alaska Airlines and flying through Seattle. As an Alaska Gold member, I thought this, at least, sounded better than a night in Minnesota. So I called the member line to hear my options. The biggest issue was the fact we had already checked our bags. I could book and make the flights, but if we left without the original flight being canceled our bags would become the security risk that grounded the flight. At that moment, I did not care and basically shared this with the Alaska reservation person. She handled this amazingly well and talked me down, assuring me the reservation could wait. Apparently, neither flight was full and even if all fifty folks from this flight shifted, there would be room for everyone. Okay. I quit being so self-involved and came to my senses. I was not going to be the one who grounded a plane even if I was very frustrated with the Delta system.

Time continued to pass and it seemed more folks were opting to switch to the Alaska flight. A few were making this happen through tears and stories of why they had to get home. The New Yorker woman gave an Oscar performance. The tears were not believable to me because I had been sitting next to her and did not believe her sob story about how she had to get to her family. Other stories were much more heartwarming and gut-wrenching. One woman was traveling alone and not only was she missing her family, it was her birthday.

Because I had been sitting next to New Yorker woman I decided I could not let myself become like her. It’s within my abilities, mind you, but I just did not want to become that negative and she was giving me a fantastic mirror of what I can be like when upset. I started finding ways to make it work. We had friends who were tracking our progress and were willing to pick us up at anytime – even the late midnight Alaska flight was okay with them. We had a voucher for food and even though it really only covered another Matcha – that was something. I also booked the Alaska flight just in case, and learned that I would not ground the flight. I also moved away from the New Yorker woman and discovered some friendly folks who had been dealing with much worse circumstances and who were in great spirits. (They were the newly trained ATT Wireless folks coming home after three weeks of training, having already spent an extra night in Memphis. I was inspired by their spirit and loved the fact that this did truly mean Verizon was going have real competition.)

Finally, six hours later, we got the news our flight was going to be canceled. BUT the Delta team had asked for help and Compass Airlines was bringing in a crew and a plane to take us home! The news bought cheers and applause.

The next bit was surprising. We were leaving in less then fifteen minutes and had to leave the C gates rush through the airport to another gate, G7. The Delta desk folks shared with us a short cut and sent us on our way. Basically, there were forty of us running or at least walking very fast most of the way around the airport. Upon arrival at the G gates there was no sign of our flight. The desk folks there checked. There was a mistake. It wasn’t the G gates but the D gates. So off we went again, basically going back the way we came (the D Gates were right next to the C gates). It was somewhat comical.

Other than the Compass Airlines folks, the D gates seemed closed. Instead of the fast departure we had anticipated, we soon learned that going from one airline to another was not that simple. Everyone had to be rechecked in. Plus, there were suddenly all the folks who had made their cases for switching to Alaska who had to be transferred back again. Though no problem for us, the shift was a bit of a computer nightmare for the Delta and Compass folks. In many ways, a comical trip around the airport and the hours of uncertainty had bonded us together. Once on the plane, the Compass crew announced that they too had been called in special, just for our trip and we applauded their efforts.

The flight was smooth. It was clear that the flight crew were not regularly heading into Montana. They had no idea how to pronounce Kalispell (Cowsbells) and assured the passengers that gates agents would assist us upon arrival with any missing baggage. (Anyone who has flown into our airport after 7pm knows that there are no agents at the gate, just one security guard and one baggage person.) Still, they were great and had become part of our drama. Upon touch down, a large cheer went up. Indeed, we were all grateful to be home. (Well, I am not sure about the New Yorker woman, though I did see her with family at the baggage claim and she seemed much happier.)

Though not what we expected, I have no doubt this will be a Thanksgiving we won’t forget. We even made it to The Green Tea House in time for a late evening taste of the wonderful meal which had been saved especially for us. Our friends stayed to keep us company and I knew I had some great blog material. What more could I ask for!!

Life Experiences

Let It Snow!!

Last night we got our first significant snow fall.  In truth, it is only 3 to 5 inches, however, there is simply something magical for me when the first snow falls.

As soon as I awaken and let the dogs out, I notice the silence and stillness that comes with the snow.  A blanket of white makes it easy to see outside without the need to flip on the outside light.  The real joy comes watching Bailey and Sooke, initially tiptoeing into the fresh white powder and then sprinting through the yard.  Bailey is especially cute in that he still attempts to catch the falling snowflakes with mid-air leaps while lunging in a somewhat forward direction. He usually ends up flopped over and covered in powder.  Not really a fan of the wet and cold, he is quick to jump up and shake it off.  That alone generates a giggle, igniting my own desire to find my snow boots and gloves so that I can join the party.

Bailey enjoying our First 2010 snow fall

Then there is the work side of the snow.  Our driveway is not really snow friendly.  I wasn’t nearly as neurotic this year about getting our snow tires on the car. As a result, only one of the cars ready for snow.  And the other, the VW Bug, is now sitting in a Les Schwab parking lot full of other cars waiting for their winter tires to be put on.  Here in Whitefish, Les Schwab seems a bit like the CPA’s office in April, with a major rush of activity during the first snowfall. I imagine that is when they make their big bucks.

I am still new to living with a true winter season.  I am still thrilled with the falling snow and don’t fully grasp the reality of having snow on the ground for the next four or five months.  By March I will probably be jaded and sick of the snow.  But today I will just let myself enjoy the silence, the stillness, and the beauty of Montana with it’s first few inches of snow, fully accepting the coming of winter and all that it offers.  Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Life Experiences

Reflecting On Electing

It’s an election day and I realize I am totally unprepared. Up until this year, I have been voting in Seattle. Though not an overly-involved political person, I did take the time to review the issues, read through the voting materials and make sure I mail my ballot well ahead of the deadline. In Montana, however, I am not yet engaged in the local issues or even the bigger state elections. I imagine it will take a couple hours today to review the ballot before I am ready to head to the polls before closing and cast my vote. I read in the news about the Tea Party rocking and rolling the traditional party lines. This election will likely reflect a country angry and frustrated by a House and Senate that has still not made significant gains in healing the economic crisis or ending the current wars. I should be engaged, but really, though I am discouraged by the progress of this administration in some areas, I don’t think it is fair or smart to judge and radically change my commitment to the course that Obama set in motion just two years ago.

When trust has been broken in a couple or family, it can take years for the family system to get back on track. In organizations, one of the biggest factors in high turnover rates is burnout, fatigue and transition overload (meaning one change after another without addressing the psychological factors involved in shifting too fast and too often). Our country is like a big family or organization and trust had been broken. Though I might not agree with all of Obama’s decisions, I honestly do not believe Obama has done anything to further breakdown trust. As a matter a fact, I think he has been steady and clear in his direction; repairing international confidence in who we are, taking responsibility and accountability for a war he did not believe in from the start, recognizing that our economy is not a quick fix problem. We may not like him for his honest, transparent and non-heroic style, but in terms of rebuilding trust—well, that is what it takes. There are no heroic solutions for rebuilding trust, just disciplined, honest and vulnerability-based effort.

Tomorrow we may wake up and find our world has shifted. The voters will have spoken and there will be stories about the changes. It’s either a vote of confidence or a vote of no confidence. I would hope that whatever happens, Obama stays steady. He wasn’t making much progress with the House stacked in his so-called favor—so really, what would be different?

There are no magic pills or politicians that are going to solve our economic situation overnight, or get us out of Afghanistan, or off a terrorists’ hit list within the next year.  The best thing we can do is stop looking for the quick fix and stop blaming the other party.

That is why I haven’t been too excited about this election.  Like many, I am not satisfied with the current state of affairs.  I guess I don’t want to assume changing policy is really the root of the problem.  We are a country with shifting paradigms.  We are no longer Top Dog, just one of a pack. The Top Dog stuff shows up so clearly in our politics and it’s course in every election.  Are we Republican or Democrat?  Who’s on top and really does it matter?  Isn’t it time we stopped that game?

I don’t care who wins today. I am only interested in getting beyond the Top Dog stuff and getting back to caring about people and how we play together in our playground and out in the world.

I am ready to be part of the pact and work together. I am not certain that I will vote locally today but I will commit to whatever the outcome is. To me, that means working in my world to keep rebuilding trust, to be honest, humble and responsible for the choices and actions I take.

Connecting, Life Experiences

How Will I Measure My Life?

Last week I lead the Come Alive program at the Haven Institute.  When I arrived on the property and discovered the group was significantly smaller than I had thought, I found myself disappointed. I imagined the week was going to be challenging because sometimes, with smaller groups, there isn’t the same level of energy, and if there is any degree of resistance among participants, it can become even greater because one person’s engagement or disengagement has a greater impact.  Plus, I wanted to cover my travel expenses and though I hate to make leading programs about the money, it is a factor. 

However, once I got to know the folks in the room everything changed.  I loved the week. Yes, Carole and I were called to be more creative in offering experiences that engaged everyone.  We could not rely on the usual structure to fill the week. But this was great and I think we both liked the challenge.  Also, with a larger group, there is less demand for my own vulnerability and personal connections, assistants and interns becoming far more connected to folks than I.  So again, this past week offered me the chance to connect on a deeper personal level with each member of the group. In the end I realized it wasn’t really the numbers that mattered at all.  The group was special because they were engaged, committed and willing to step forward throughout the week. 

This brings me to the next piece for discussion.  What measures a successful, fulfilling life?  This question surfaces for me as a result of an article forwarded to me by a colleague.  The article is the most emailed article this year from HBR (Harvard Business Review).  Here is the link in case you want to read the article yourself:  http://hbr.org/2010/07/how-will-you-measure-your-life/ar/1.

I enjoyed reading the article and quickly realized that the way I measure my life is by my level of aliveness. Aliveness to me means engagement, commitment and willingness.  When these three conditions are high I have a felt sense of fulfillment, joy and success.  In thinking about these three conditions, I realize they are each something I have a choice in creating in the context of anything my life presents. Sure there are activities that naturally invite these elements because of my own likes and dislikes. But really, even is life is presenting some stuff that is not to my fancy, I have found that attitude adjustments related to these areas can make all the difference. The Come Alive was a relatively easy example.  Because I love and am generally always curious about people, I knew that once I engaged, the rest would follow. 

There are other areas and situations in my life that are far more difficult. I have been in groups where I have disliked the path we were taking or found members of the team or group very difficult to deal with.  In those situations, my level of engagement has declined. I become less committed to outcomes, and I suspect others in the room might call me willful and not at all willing.  The degree to which I let these barometers slide without notice or attention becomes a key driver in aliveness.  For me, the worst is not cranky or willful, no, the low of lows is when I become disengaged and apathetic.  When that occurs I can go without oxygen and there is a numbness and deadness that, once set in, becomes very hard to shake.

So in the end, how I measure my life becomes a daily opportunity—a moment to moment invitation. Am I engaged? Am I committed? Am I willing? If not, what can I do to adjust?  Generally speaking, the answer involves a revealing of myself.  There is something I need to say that I am withholding or there is something I am feeling that I wish not to expose or reveal.  Once I take care of that, my aliveness returns and though things around me might not change, I see and experience the world quite differently.  I am curious, I am able to connect, and I am deeply in touch with loving myself and others in the world around me.  That, to me, is success!

Connecting, Life Experiences

It’s Showtime Here In Whitefish!

CrisMarie is engaged in the local community theater again this year. She is once again playing the part of the family maid. This year’s production of Dividing the Estate, though billed as a comedy, has some quite realistic themes of fighting over money and other dysfunctional family dynamics that can cut close to the core. Her character, Mildred, the maid, gets a bit caught up in the “When do I get the money” theme of this Horton Foote play.

I have now seen the play three times. It has not been as easy to enjoy as last year’s zany comedy, You Can’t Take it With You, but I am beginning to appreciate Foot’s ability to show a slice of middle-American life.

I think we would all prefer not to recognize how we could be one of the members of this play. I hate to think I would hire lawyers and argue about the division of money and property the day my parents die. However, I have no doubt that if feeling desperate and fearful about my own security and livelihood, I too, would likely resort to unfavorable human dynamics in order to survive.

What is interesting for me during this annual theater experience and seeing the play so many times, is that I’m seeing aspects of the characters that I would otherwise never fully appreciate. Stella, the matriarch of the family, at first pass seems controlling and demanding. Three shows later, I am much more aware of her deep desire to have her family close. Though she doesn’t listen or connect to anyone other than Doug, the older servant, I get that she wants to give something to each of them. When one of her children is in trouble, she drops her crusty attitude and does whatever is needed. Stella’s unwillingness to divide the estate is much more about keeping the family together than holding on to money and land.

I could go on with each character, but unless you live in Whitefish and are around this weekend, you may never see this play. I don’t think it is one that shows regularly.  Still, I am reminded how much I like live theater.

In my many years at the Haven with Ben and Jock, I would always enjoy listening to them share their views of plays they would see in New York City.  Each year they would spend a week or more watching two plays a day, if possible, and come back using the stories from the stage as a connecting point for all of our lives.  For them, theater was so much like life.  Throughout the year at The Haven leading groups, these guys would work endlessly with the stories of peoples’ lives.  The hardships, the pain, the joy, the craziness—would be played out in group after group.  Ben and Jock were masters at directing people and assisting them in seeing how the choices they were making in their lives provided them with possible new interpretations on ways of living.  I loved learning from them.

I get it now. Each day of my life is like live theater, always acting with some objective in mind.  There is always a back story influencing each interaction. I have lines that I use and often forget.  I have a choice at all times to either respond in the moment and connect with the others on my stage or simply live life from the script without fully making an impact or connecting.

I get it and I am grateful for my annual community theater experience, and joyful that CrisMarie loves acting.  Maybe this year I will even make it to New York City for a week of seeing plays.  I know for sure that I will be at the Haven directing, assisting and participating in the rich and wonderful stories of others who join me on that stage.  Hopefully, I’ll do as well as Mildred and the others in Dividing The Estate at bringing all of me to the stage in whatever part is mine to play!

Connecting, Vision

Wag More, Bark Less Project

Wag More, Bark Less

I love this bumper sticker. Maybe it is simply that I love dogs. Or it might be that my own dogs are notorious for living by the wag more, bark less motto. Only recently have I committed to fully living this motto myself.

I would not really call myself a barker. However, I do have a reputation of being intense and have been fondly referred to as a pitbull that licks. So even if I am not a regular barker, I don’t believe I wag nearly enough. Sure, I have moments of joy. But to meet and greet by wagging my tail is not my usual. I tend to skip the “Hi, how are you” part of interactions. Also, when upset or deeply concerned about something tend to dive in and cut to the chase. These aren’t always bad qualities. But after spending the past six or seven months helping my boxer puppy, Bailey, learn how to play with all breeds not just boxers, I know I could use some tips.

Boxers playing with other boxers are very physical. They go right at each other and there is no need to keep four paws on the ground. I am sure this style of boxing must have something to do with the name. This rough and tough style of play at the dog park and with other breeds sometimes doesn’t make for the best first impressions (or second or third).  Bailey had to learn to keep his paws on the ground and make sure other dogs were up for the contact before going all out. He has done well. I love to see him with his boxer buddies playing rough but I am glad he has learned to wag first and bark less with new playmates.

In my effort to adapt to a more wag more, bark less lifestyle, I have committed to a few new projects. I have taken on yoga, working to gradually open my shoulders and heart more. I have known for a long time that my body took on a protective stance that served me well early in life. But it isn’t needed anymore. The problem is that character body armor is not easy to take off. Yoga seems to be one path. I like that I am working with someone who knows my bigger picture and story and is tailoring the yoga to fit what I need. I am also committed to more regularly getting feedback from folks that work with me regarding my style. I am committed to finding ways to wag more without withdrawing my passion or watering down my message. Finally, I am working more with my hands, meaning simply making more physical contact. I have always found this easy and rewarding with small children and pets. I am not a touchy type of person with friends and family. I am working on that.

I’ve put the bumper sticker on my car. I smile whenever I see it. I doubt I will ever be known as a softy, probably more like my boxer, Bailey, though I think I can learn to play better with all types. In human terms, I think wag more, bark less translates to be more open-hearted and less paranoid. I am willing to work on that!

Boxer Bailey with four paws on the ground!