Susan B Clarke

Looks like I am going to be going back to my roots. My life is presenting me with many opportunities to test my own congruence about valuing differences and acceptance.

On a personal level I am having to re-define relationships because our differences are no longer open for dialogue and more about black/white and right/wrong. Of course, in this course of re-defining I am having to look at how I am holding on to my position or presenting what is important to me. In the past, I would say I have always been a bit like my boxer, Bailey. People know where I stand, and I can look tough. However, equally like Bailey, I am not nearly as tough as my bark.

I have been learning that indeed I am quite an open-heart-ed person, who cares more about the relationship than my own point of view. Most of my life I think I have covered up this softer side because I really did believe that a tough front would be safer and create less pain. If no one ever knew that I cared deeply, they would more likely give me an honest opinion. Plus, I grew up watching lots of strongly opinionated people sit around a dinner table and wrestle with politics, religion and various other intellectual challenges, and it seemed to me, the best at it, were the most opinionated and loudest. So I went that route.

Many years later, a few health challenges and lots of deep emotional de-armoring, I am realizing that there is indeed another path. One that isn’t easy for me but much more fulfilling and quite frankly, honest. That path is one of vulnerability and intimacy (into-to-me-see). The problem with the new path is that I often have a shaky voice and don’t sound quite as solid. Also I cry. I am not comfortable crying. Just doesn’t come easy. Plus, big tears for me is usually not so obvious to anyone else. Inside I am wailing, but outside I think I look a bit more tight.

Still, I like me better this way. I like being able to finally say to the world – I care more about you and I connecting, having an honest dialogue than I do about a truth, or any one opinion.

Of course, I am also learning that this is not a value that everyone has or is interested in considering. Some folks really are all about finding ‘a truth’ – or the ‘truth’.

I work in relationship to a very charismatic leader who has become quite respected for some very simple and practical wisdom when applied to business, teams and leadership. I love his message – well the message in the books. It seems he is becoming more interested in including his strong religious values as part of his message. He has a platform from which to speak and wants to speak about what matters most to him. On one level that is great. However, his religious beliefs are not mine. At first, I thought this wouldn’t be a problem. I respect differences and have always loved working with teams, people who are very different than me. However, I am getting the message that may be my belief – but not his. He believes in one truth and that truth quite clearly makes some people ‘wrong’ or eliminates the values of others. That’s not okay with me.

So now both on a personal and a professional level, I am being challenged to stand forth. To show up and not fight about these issues but to speak from my heart, my heart that feels a bit broken right now. Much like the Leonard Cohen lyrics, “a crack in anything is where the light gets in”, I believe this broken heart of mine is an opportunity to discover what is next for me. To find my own words and message.

I do have something to say about all this. The message is forming. When I am ready, I plan to step up and without the heavy armor of my past and say what I think. Sure my voice may crack and likely I will have some moist eyes (that you might just think are tight) but I will be strong – not tough – strong.

I do hope the message will be the one my life has been crafting since the beginning. Because I think I came into this world wanting to bridge differences, not knock them down. I think bridges are for crossing over and seeing what life is like from someone else’s perspective. Sure I have an opinion and it is quite likely a good one for me – but it isn’t the only one. That much I do know for sure.

I have found myself reading various articles about Steve Jobs since his death. Right now I am working my way through a biography written by Walter Isaacson. Why am I so interested? Because Steve Jobs seemed to be someone who was the best and the worst of humanity, a visionary and a jerk, rich and minimalistic, extremely emotional (breaking into tears) and cold. The book is long but interesting. I appreciate Isaacson’s effort to give a realistic, honest history of Steve Jobs – not perfect, not nasty – just a recipe of the many sides of this man who few can argue had a significant impact on our culture.

I have admired Steve Jobs because, well, I love my ipad and iphone. I appreciate Apple ads and like what seems to be the simple, yet artistic nature of all that Apple offers. I get now that it isn’t all the doing of Steve Jobs. Honestly, it seems as though the best of the engineering and anesthetic nature of Apple products was the result of others like Steve Woznick and Jonathan Ive. Still it is very clear without Jobs, Apple would not be the Apple it is today.

I have friends and colleagues who hate the guy because of his narcissistic style and mean, tyrant-like leadership. I guess I would argue that at least with Steve Jobs you knew where you stood. He may have had two faces (or more) but it seems as a leader everyone saw all of the options – the good, bad and ugly. I don’t think that is the norm. Most of us try to hide the ugly. Even though it might be less attractive, I admire the straightness and integrity of someone who is simply out there.

I have my own issues around the narcissism. I struggle with relationships where I judge someone to be so involved with themselves that others don’t exist. However, I am also very aware of my own narcissistic tendencies. I can indeed assume at times the world revolves around me.

I am also aware that a healthy does of narcissism makes for a great story-teller and leader. Of course, I want the positive qualities and would prefer to disconnect from the less attractive aspects.

Well, that is not so easy. I guess that is what I am appreciating about exploring Steve Jobs. As a public figure, he remained quite private. As a leader he was quite self-absorbed. As a creative wizard, he left behind friends. He was so human. May be that is what is so appealing to me. Here is a man he was for some was a hero, for some a jerk but willingly left us with a story that reveals the man behind the hero. It may not be pretty, or nice – but it does seem real.

I have a lot of Steve Jobs in me, minus the billions, the public persona and the great products. I am creative and a jerk. I can be loyal and mean. I cry and at times I appear uncaring and cool. I am human. I hope I can be as okay with myself as Steve Jobs seemed to be. He asked that his biography reflect only what was shared – that whatever his friends, his enemies and his family had to say, not be censured. That, I believe, is courageous and real. As a result some of my admiration has been wiped away. I see more of the man less of the hero. Yet in the end I like that. I myself prefer being human to being a hero. I believe it is a much harder path to follow and definitely a road worth traveling.

Another year of fireworks comes to a close here in Montana. Maybe it was the wetness or some signs of an improved economy, not sure the reason, but here in the great state of Montana, where buying and selling fireworks is a favorite pastime, the displays this year seemed longer and louder. At one point last night, while we watched the professional thirty minute fanfare, our surrounding neighbors sent off their own response. It was wild!

The hardest part for me was watching the impact it has on our dogs, and my concern that even with moist grounds there still seems a high risk for fires.

Poor Bailey, our two year boxer, has been wired to serve and protect all week. He heard the locals (meaning the houses at the end of our driveway) firing off rounds each evening. He ran to the edge of the driveway, barking and making every effort to chase off the unwanted attackers. As the week went on, with the help of melatonin and a thundershirt, he was a bit more relaxed. Of course last night was wild and we simply provided him with a chew toy and put him in his crate with some music once it got dark.

Sooke isn’t as geared towards protecting, but she clearly does not like the racket. She hides downstairs under my desk until we head to bed, where she curls up half under the bed to make sure she is still covered.

What is it about fireworks? I get that the big professional shows are sort cool to watch. But even that seemed way too long last night. We kept thinking, “this is the big final push,” and then there would be more. It’s okay and sort of fun, but it’s the home shows that I really wonder about. They seem a bit dangerous. We watched our neighbor setting off rockets last night. He actually does a lot to make sure things are safe. Still, there were a couple times when he was way to close, in my view, to the first rocket firing. Some of the other locals seem less geared to taking any safety measures. One neighbor just fires them off the back of his pickup truck and one of those came right up our driveway!

Long ago, I remember some wild times I had out on the lake sending off the 4th of July fireworks show for campers. I did think it was fun. However, I had the benefit of a big lake to dive into if anything went wrong.

Most of the states I have lived in have strict laws about fireworks. Not just anyone can buy and set off rockets and the bigger displays. Of course there are always a few folks that don’t follow those rules, but it’s nothing like it is here in Montana! These folks love their fireworks. It’s legal and once those firework stands go up, for at least a week we can all count on getting some sort of show each night!

Well, though I am glad to see the celebrations come to a close, I am grateful. I may think some folks are a bit crazy and don’t always agree with the choices they make. However, I am grateful to live where I have freedom to make choices. Even if does mean having to put up lots of noise and fireworks once a year for a week or so!

I am spending the day in the house. I woke up this morning running a fever. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, I am not one that likes to rest and recover, I tend to overdo.  But I really want to kick this cold/flu, or whatever it is, out of my system. So I am willing to spend a day inside. I hope CrisMarie will be willing to pick up some Rice Dream for me when she heads out. I don’t have much of an appetite but Ice (Rice) Dream sounds wonderful!

I have a book to read, papers to work on, my computer and a variety of beverages sitting on my bedside table. I am working on a newsletter article about Pat Lencioni’s book, Naked Consulting. Basically the book is all about being real and authentic—and that is why I love it. I don’t want to give away the newsletter by writing too much about the book, but I think it’s a great read. Of course the title is a bit provocative. We sent a copy to an HR friend and she said this book would be an HR nightmare. There’s no doubt Pat probably was hoping for that type of reaction. 

While the title may be potentially an HR nightmare, the subject matter really isn’t an HR issue.  HR departments have simply become the enforcers of programs, guidelines, and policies, set up to overcome longstanding prejudices and ignorance about the differences between people and power. I’ve never thought that laws and policy were a very effective solution for relational dynamics. Sometimes laws give a certain amount of comfort, defining for someone the parameters of certain types of behavior that are either bad or wrong. This can confirm a person’s opinion, but it doesn’t necessarily create a significant change in attitude. People might learn to say the right words but it is unlikely to really change their views and may even create more distance.

So what is the solution? I think the best way to create a shift in attitude and behavior is by learning to understand the impact certain behaviors have on others. Instead of counting on a policy to ensure that inappropriate language is not used in the workplace, I have to speak up whenever I see it happening.  Not just when it happens to me but, even more importantly, as an accountability measure when I see someone I work with saying or doing something to someone else that I find offensive. Not to make them wrong, but to be real and authentic and in the moment is when I believe real change can happen.

When I have done this—I have been surprised by the results. Often I have either learned something very valuable about the person I was speaking to, which in turn influenced my position. Or they were curious about my reaction and we had an dialogue that I would later discover had a positive impact on them.  Of course this does not ensure change or agreement, but when it comes to relationships, that is not really the most important outcome. The most important outcome is clarity and connection by way of authentic and real conversation.

I realize there are not many consistent themes to my blogging to date.  However, I believe what has come up the most is how much I value differences.  I mentioned the diversity in opinions that show up in Montana,  I wrote about collective consciousness being more about acceptance of differences than similarities and balance being about flow (movement between polarities) and alignment.

The subject is up for me again.  I just got back from a great two days with the other members of The Table Group Consulting Partners.  We are a hand selected group of consultants who are work along side business author, Patrick Lencioni.  Pat started his company, The Table Group over 10 years ago and really launched his career as an author and speaker with the Book, Five Dysfunctions of a Team. The book has been on the NYTimes bestseller list – as a business book.  It continues to stay in the top twenty and higher many years later.  The book is awesome.  It’s a fable with a very simple yet profound message about what is the essence of a high performing team.

We loved the book and the others he has written.  What was even better was that we have discovered that Pat and his small company (7 folks) live what what all the books preach.  Since the first book, Pat has written a series of books all with simple wisdom for leaders in business.

I could write on and on about my respect for The Table Group but really that was not the point of this Blog.  The Consulting Partners was my topic.  We started all as independent consultants – some already having a practice others encouraged to start a consulting practice.  The common thread was a relationship with Pat or one of the Table Group folks.  We were about t 10 in the beginning five years ago and now there are about 20 of us.  We are an interesting collection of talent.  Each year when we gather we have grown, and as we grow, like any group, we face the challenges of bringing in new folks, dealing with changes in direction, structure or expectations.

This was no different.  Only now we have some significant decisions to make about who we want to be because we have grown up and have a great opportunity to really take this awesome simple wisdom into organizations in a way that can make a difference.

I don’t agree with everyone’s view in the room.  But that’s just what makes it all so special.  I don’t have to.  I can be a part of a group that is becoming a team that has diverse lifestyles, beliefs, desires for growth and a broad range of skills and talents.  The sum of our differences gives us the potential to reach such a broader audience and really make a difference in the health of organizations.

Organizational health is all about finding ways to make the workplace a place for everyone.  If I want to call myself an organizational health expert then I better be making sure my ‘organization’ is healthy.  That’s is what is so cool about being a part of The Table Group and The Table Group Consulting Partners we continue to make sure we are healthy and smart.  We practice the simple wisdom we offer and that is what I think makes all the difference and keeps me committed to being a part of something worthwhile.