Category Archives: Life Experiences

Life Experiences

Testing My Aliveness

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I am on my way to The Haven for Phase I. It is never easy for me to get ready for a month away. I intend to get things ready in advance and make sure I am not doing things at the very last minute.  However, I generally end up packing late the night before. I may have done better this time at making a list of things to get done and getting many of them checked off slightly ahead of deadline. But I was still washing and packing clothes well into the night.  At least this trip I left a day ahead to make sure I get arrive and get settle before jumping into to a very busy month of work.

I love The Phase program.  It is an awesome journey for all involved. Personally, I found The Phase program transformational when I took it many years ago. They say it takes twenty-one days to create new habits.  The Phase program is 26, which allows for habits to change and a bit of added time for discovering what some of those patterns might be.

There is a lot more to The Phase than just developing new habits.  There is a lot of the emphasis is on self-discovery and learning through interactive experiences in a group.  Some folks spend years in individual therapy, and though that, too, is focused on self-discovering; often I think the process is much slower because there isn’t the feedback and resonance that occurs in a group process.  In the Phase program there are anywhere from 15 to 40 folks all interested in some type of personal development.  People’s reasons for coming, along with their life experiences, are all vastly different which makes for a wonderful opportunity to broaden perspectives and to realize that reality is indeed relative.

Also, being together for 26 days means things are likely to get messy at some point. Putting that many people in a room day after day creates challenges, differences, boundary issues and any number of other opportunities for growth.  Of course that is part of the design.  Most of us can play nice for a few days and can often avoid our inner demons for brief periods.  But a month is a long time and at some point peoples’ surface-styles drop and deeper aspects of who we each are show up.

It happens for those who come to participate for the first time and for those of us leading the program. As leaders I think we often arrive with greater awareness of the process and hopefully the ease and grace in taking down outer defenses as well as being vulnerable and more personal with each other.  But still even as leaders there will be those moments that we could never have anticipated and will call us into the unknown.  That’s what makes it special.  The Phase isn’t a formula.  It’s alive, organic and deeply personal.

My friends at home wonder why I leave for a month at a time.  It isn’t easy.  I love my life in Montana: my partner, my dogs, my home and my friends.  But I also know each time I arrive on Gabriola for either The Phase or a Come Alive, I am stepping into a journey that will test my aliveness.  Some people travel all over the world searching for the next awesome high or adventure.  Me—I find that aliveness by being willing to be open, vulnerable and intimate with a group of people interested in self-discovery and self-responsibility in relationship to others.  For me it is the ultimate high. I have the opportunity to open my heart and broaden my world through listening and seeing the world through the eyes of others. It really is quite a unique and amazing adventure and a wonderful test of my own aliveness and willingness to live outside any self-imposed box.

Connection, Life Experiences

From Aunt Sarah’s To McDonald’s – From Biking To Triking!

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Finally, I can share more about the big project I referred to in my last post.  In putting together an iMovie for my Dad’s 90th birthday celebration, I had the great idea of soliciting my cousin, who lives across the country, into create video footage of some of my Dad’s best friends and bike riding companions. And my cousin did an amazing job.  However, that did require quite a bit more effort on my part to get all the pieces together in time. Like me, I believe my cousin is a Myers-Briggs ‘P’ and footage was arriving even past the last minute!

The party was this past weekend and the video was a success.  Actually the entire weekend was fun. I would say the best part for me was getting up early Saturday morning to join my Dad on the McDonald’s breakfast ride. Since I was five (may be younger), I remember my Dad getting us out on our bikes to ride for breakfast, though back then it was Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House. Saturday’s ride was shorter but quite wonderful. It’s awesome that my Dad still rides and has been willing to shift from his racing bike to a fancy trike, allowing him to stay riding.  I also loved getting to meet the others who were all were over seventy and equally committed to riding and building connections through biking and food.  They track the riders, the walkers, the drivers and they make all folks who make it feel welcome.

There is very little I can eat at McDonald’s but everyone else enjoyed senior meals, coffee and tea.  I think I threw most of them a curve when I ordered an Americano. I have never had so many questions asked about a drink.  The bottom line—this was a drip coffee and/or tea crowd.

My father’s life covers much more than bike riding.  I discovered a lot putting the pieces together for the video.  It was a rich journey.  Hopefully he will be able to enjoy the video beyond the party. There was a lot of footage that did not make the movie but I know both my Mom and Dad will enjoy watching. 

We had a great weekend. Between biking for breakfast, throwing a party for seventy or so friends and finally gathering as a family to play games and eat pizza, I left grateful for the Clarke clan and look forward to the century celebration in another decade! Though this time, I will be counting on a call from the President (I have been told he/she calls all centurians) instead of making another movie.

Keep on triking Dad!!!

Life Experiences

Go Butler!

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Today Butler will play Michigan State in the NCAA Final Four basketball game.  Butler is a university with an enrollment of less than 4,200 students! I love it when a little school makes it to the Final Four.

I thought I had better write about Butler today because, generally, these magical rides do not make it to the Championship game.  Tomorrow Butler might be out and we won’t hear much about them again for a while. However, that does not mean Butler is a fluke.  Butler has a history that says this is no accident. They have made it to the NCAA tournament six times. That is more than many major universities.

It helps that Butler is in Indiana. Indiana is one of the smartest basketball states. Hoosiers love their basketball and know the game. Plus Butler plays in the gym where the movie Hoosiers was filmed. For those who don’t know the movie, it’s about a small high school basketball team taking on the giants and winning it all. I love that Butler has been soaking up that anything is possible energy every time they walk into the gym.

The other reason I am writing about Butler is because I’ve been reading so much about big college athletic programs. The money that goes into some of these programs is amazing. Too often the programs are not about academics at all, but about advancing the prestige of a school through star players who generally leave early to go to the NBA. I believe the last time North Carolina won a championship, four of their five starters (only one a senior) left to go pro. Something is just not right for me about that.  It’s more about going pro than being part of a team or school. So it’s fun when some little school comes along, proving that power and money doesn’t buy the championship.

Of course even if little Butler wins the NCAA tournament this year, it’s not going to stop the insane way we throw money at college programs and athletes in an attempt to win and gain recognition.  Maybe Butler will remind us that it’s not all about being big or living on the front page. Sometimes the small and unheralded, wins.

I am rooting for Butler!

Life Experiences, writing

Overcoming Trash

I have been off-line so long I can not seem to get back on track.  I have gotten a number of post started but not been satisfied with the content so sent them to trash.  I downloaded the latest upgrade to wordpress and discovered that the trash link is now highlighted and easy to use.  Not good for a blogger suffering from blogger’s block and/or some odd form of perfectionism.

I would not generally think of myself as a perfectionist.  However, I have discovered with writing and blogging I suffer from my own internal standards.  I don’t seem to have high standards related to spelling or grammer but I seem to have a content standard that even I can not articulate.  I want my blogs to be personal, cover interesting topics, get people to think about something differently than they usually  do and create connection.  My personal best blogs usually come after an experience I’ve had that touches me emotionally or after reading something that seems so paradoxical that I can help but write.

It’s not like my life has been without interesting experiences.  Yes, bronchitis wasn’t much of a topic for sharing, nor did crashing computers seem worth detailing.  However, there have been some great paradoxical headlines – like anything related to the insane healthcare reform.  Or my favorite was the Census note that gay and lesbian couples who consider themselves husband and wives can check that on the report.  Now isn’t that insane.  Many gay and lesbian couples consider themselves married but ‘husband and wife’ – that just seems wrong on many levels.  Still not enough to warrant a post.

Even now I find myself considering the trash button.  But I am going to stick with it though.  I need to get ‘back on the horse’ so to speak.  Even if this post does not live up to my internal standard for relevance I need to hit the publish button and move beyond this sticking point.

Oddly I received some of my best feedback just before taking this extended break.  Someone out there found my blog and commented on my unique voice in a sea of otherwise repetitive blog material.  Of course instead of just receiving the kind words I have put pressure on myself to live up to the standard with each new post.  Most likely the fan has moved on and will never know what post comes next.

Well I am not going to let my internal critic stop me today.  In moments I will scroll down to hit the publish button and even if that trash button is right there much bolder than publish – I will not be stopped!!

Life Experiences

A Boardroom Blog: Visiting Family

Another day in the Alaska Boardroom. I am traveling home after a day of coaching and visiting family. I must admit that one of our best investments has been this Alaska Boardroom pass. Who would have thought?  I almost enjoy getting to the airport for the required two hour wait because I can sit and get fast internet, not to mention free beverages, chips and fruit. So here I am again.

Yesterday I flew into town for some coaching and visits with clients. We had also intended to be here for a one day off-site that was postponed. With the extra time I decided to visit my folks, John and Bernie, who live about an hour from Seattle in Lacey, WA. I have been waiting for a chance to visit. My dad will soon turn 90 and even though I have no doubt he intends to live beyond that memorable number, I knew he had been dealing with a bad, unrelenting cold. I am not sure if I was worried more about him, or my mother, who often not only cares for him, but also helps with other elderly friends who are in various stages of moving on.

For many years I was quite distant from my family as I worked through some resolved childhood issues. During that time, my parents seemed to find their own creative ways of filling the gap. While I was doing tons of personal growth work, they were exploring Edgar Cayce’s, A Course in Miracles, and various other new age/energy type work.  When we finally reconnected, I discovered there were similarities between us that I otherwise would have never known. Like my mother’s interest and skills in working with energy, for instance, and my father’s desire to be known as the Cosmic Man.  Now, when we get together, I often am intrigued by their outside-the-norm lifestyle. Their current reading material is almost always interesting and includes some titles I make sure to write down. I can also count hearing some interesting stories about my mother’s Healing Touch work and my Dad’s latest athletic pursuit. At 90, he has just decided that he will shift from Ping Pong (which he’s done on a large scale in their community), to the Wii machine. I suggested he might like revisiting his tennis days without the need for an overhead serve. I can imagine on my next visit he will have created some type of round robin interactive Wii event for the Panarama folks.

I am quite amazed at the life my parents live. They are very engaged.  Next week they are heading up to Canada and will be visiting one of my favorite locations—the Wikkinnish Inn.

It is an amazing gift to me to be able to discover who my parents are as people. Not in the roles as Mom and Dad, but what makes them tick as individuals and what they choose to value and believe in. Sure, it has taken a lot of work on my part to get out of the old family patterns. Sometimes I can still get drawn in. But with this visit I just enjoyed connecting with them, listening to John convince me to read his latest book club book, The Elegance of the Hedge Hogs, and helping Bernie with a computer project.  As I worked my way through the cluttered harddrives my mother has created, which contain everything from pictures to poetry, finances to educational materials, I could tell I was indeed her daughter. My computer is just as crazy and I could hear myself saying the same things she does, “One of these days I will get this all in order”.  Sure she might, but what I liked was that she didn’t let keeping things organized and within control get in the way of compiling an awesome lifetime of experiences. Even John’s desk, which he too has been organizing, reveals the many layers of his life, kind of like a tree trunk.  Tidy but tons of rings.

I enjoyed walking through their world.  Knowing some bits and pieces of who they are as people and also confirming that, indeed, we are a family.

Well it’s about time for my flight.  So I’ll be on my way.

Life Experiences

Simple Moments Of Joy

It’s a gorgeous day here in Montana: blue skies, sunny, and the mountains snowcapped and magical. I know we need more snow and I know all of the reasons this spring-like weather might mean a very difficult summer. However, I can not help but enjoy the moment! It is days like today that make it clear why I love living here!

So the Olympic Games are over and what a wonderful ending. The hockey game was perfect—played hard right to the final second and beyond, with Canada celebrating and laughing at themselves. In the end, the own the podiumseemed to have worked; at least in terms of gold medals and specially in terms of the hockey gold!

What’s next? As I mentioned before, Montana is sunny and warm. Bailey seems to have gotten kennel cough, so I am keeping him away from other dogs. CrisMarie is under the weather as well. I have a bunch of projects that should draw my attention. But for now I am happily sitting in The Green Tea House, blogging.

There are many things I could be worried about. I realize the future can hold some scarey prospects. I am not really one to focus on the negative; I am also not one that lives by affirmations or always looking on the bright side. However, when I consider the future, and have to decide if I want to believe in, a doomsday scenario or something else, well—I pick something else.

I have no idea what will happen in 2012, or any year for that matter, other than this one. The best I can do is fully commit to this moment and make the best choices I can for myself, others, and the planet.

I feel fortunate to have learned somewhere along my path how to fully embody joy. I have these moments when I just vibrate with life. Today, the Montana magic inspires that joyful resonance in me; Sometimes it a simple moment with CrisMarie. My heart is open and I am deeply in touch with loving my life. It is really the simple things that provide the greatest joy: a song, a touch, a taste, a smell or a gorgeous day. Indeed, the senses do heighten my joy meter.

I watch folks struggle with the state of their lives: not having the job they need, the partner they want, the health they have thought would be a given or the opportunities they see others getting. It’s easy to get caught up in any one of those situations at some point in the day or week or month. I can spend many hours, days or weeks trying to change the bigger picture, totally forgetting the simple little moments.

Yet I have learned to tap into some little sensory moment that will wake me back up. It starts by taking a deep breath and becoming aware; aware of what I am doing and aware of how I am separating. Suddenly that choice is highlighted and I usually get it. Take the moment, feel the joy, and let that simple little reflection of all that is possible help me re-member; meaning becoming a member of the whole. When I touch that whole-ness, either inside me or all around me, I do, for a moment, resonate with oneness, the source—whatever you want to call that which is so much more then me.  That nano second of contact is enough juice to alter my cells.

That simple little moment is magical. Today I am very in-touch with the joy. Maybe later I’ll lose it, but for now I am soaking it in.  Tomorrow just seems okay from here and now! Maybe that is just as it should be.

Life Experiences

Life Lessons from The Games

I have been soaking in as much of the Olympic vibes as possible.  Last week on my way to The Haven for a Come Alive, I caught the skytrain down to the heart of Vancouver and enjoyed just walking and chatting with folks.  Of course during the Come Alive my energy and attention shifted to the folks in the group.  Though I found it quite fun to check out the results either online or through dinner conversations.

Now back at home I am watching with CrisMarie, an Olympian from the summer games.  In the past she wasn’t too fond of  watching.  It seemed to stir some pain from her own Olympian disappointment in finishing sixth.  Fortunately she seems to have come to a different place now.  Able to recognize the amazing triumph of making it to the Games and competing at that level and even drawing from the disappointment to speak about the lessons learned about teaming; primarily the difference between being a boat of champions and a championship boat.

It is interesting to me to watch the athletes.  Especially the ones expected to medal.  So much pressure.  Some seem to embrace that moment and rise to the occasion.  I am not just speaking of those who win their Gold, Silver or Bronze but also about those who don’t,  yet still stay thrilled with the moment and able to recognize that on that one day they did not win.

Personally I believe it takes excellence and dedication over time to make it to the Games.  It takes a peak moment to win the Gold.  Very different.  One not better or worse then the other.  But different.

I love the events where some unexpected contender races to the lead, surprising everyone.  I was watching the USA hockey team beat Canada 5-3 and watched the goalie defend 45 shots at the goal, only allowing 3 to get in.  I could not help but wonder was that a peak moment or a sustainable performance.  Just the fact that Canada got 45 shots on the goal versus 20 some by the USA, who was the better team and who was having the better moment.

That is what makes the Games so interesting to me.  There is just that drive that allows someone or a team to come together and practice and dedicate themselves to making it to the greatest sporting event.  That effort alone is something any Olympian I would hope could recognize and honor for themselves.  Then there is the moment – the event.  Some will rise that day and fly; others will put their heart in the event to simply be beaten by a better performance and some will fall and never cross the finish line.  Indeed that moment can be crushing after all the effort.  Still I can’t help but believe that  there will be a day when each and every athlete that walked through the gate during the opening ceremonies can and will fully embrace the accomplishment of that – with or without a medal to show for it.

In the Come Alive we talk about the Power and Strength Model. This is a continuum that we are all living and choosing all the time.  The power side of the model deals with control, roles, security and dominating the world around us.  The strength side deals vulnerability, authenticity, risk and finding our will from within.  For me this is the essence of the Olympics.  I see and hear the continuum being played out through these athletes.  The power in winning – taking the podium. The strength in competing – rising with or without a medal.  Some will get fixated on their moment.  That moment may be one of greatest or humility; victory or defeat.  Some will flow through the moment.  Again through the high of winning or the low of falling short of their dream.  I can see it on their faces as they embrace their team mates or not, speak to the press or not and through the awarding of the medals. With some  the fixation is clear.  This moment will define them for some time.  For others it is simply another piece of the fabric of their lives.  May be a bright spot but still just a piece and they are already moving on.

We are all like these athletes. Life is like the Games.  Fortunately not being captured on TV.  Yet still working with that same dynamic.  The moments and the day-to-day effort it takes to make those moment possible.  We are our peak experiences as well as the little choices we make every day.

Sometimes I get stuck focusing on the moments and miss the opportunity to move on.  Sometimes I forget to celebrate a moment and move on too quickly. Indeed life is always offering me so many opportunities to wake up – in-the-moment and over time.  I would like to be one of the ones who does indeed wake up and can celebrate that I made it to the Games and gave it all the power and strength I had to offer; with or with a medal.

That would be cool!!

Life Experiences

Let The Games Begin!!

I watched the opening ceremonies of the Winter Games in Vancouver, BC.  I don’t think I have ever watched an opening ceremonies from start to finish.  I did last night and was amazed at the pride I felt in being part Canadian.  I know lots of people have been upset with the amount of money spent to put on these Games.  I have heard there are groups protesting for many reasons and even stopping the flame from easily moving across the country and specifically last night through the streets.  But even with all that protest I was reminded why these Games need to happen and why Vancouver, BC is the perfect location right now.  It isn’t about perfection, it’s about heart, resilience and connection – and that rang through in so many ways for me watching the Games begin.

When I lived in Canada I spent many years working with the aboriginal people there.  I was a family counselor and a trainer for community Drug & Alcohol and Family Violence counselors.  Indeed there were many challenges facing the native communities.  Each year a new group of students would arrive for training so that they could go back into their communities and help their people.  The students often had to deal with their own history of abuse, alcoholism and victimization.  Many of the stories shared were horrific and stirred my own sense of injustice and anger at the treatment of people with different beliefs then those in the majority.  Canada’s treatment of their aboriginal peoples’ was not something most would think of as even possible based on the friendly, welcoming nature attributed to Canada in comparison to most of the other world powers.  At some point through those years, the Canadian government took a much different stand regarding that history.  Through acknowledging the suffering and pain inflicted by some of the government’s choices, followed by court actions, money and land distributions, they  made an attempt to ‘right’ some of the ‘wrongs’.  I’m not sure how well that really worked.  But I did think last night watching the ceremonies open with such a grand acknowledgment of the tribes across Canada that many of the angry voices I had heard through the years screaming for acceptance of their ways and values most have been proud.

These Games started on a sad note.  An athlete died on the opening day on a training run for the luge.  I was moved by the moment of silence taken for a comrade who had fallen and the flags flying at half-mast.   The silence of such a huge crowd and the faces shown of the athlete’s made it quite clear that each knew the dangers and the risk taken in any type of competition.  In that sixty seconds there were no differences between nations, the common bond of our mortality was quite powerful.

I loved that the flame was not lit by one but by many.  That moment when the fourth leg of the cauldron did not rise to provide perfect symmetry may have for some been a major error.  However, I found it yet another significant meaningful touch.  A reminder that life is not about perfection but about heart, resilience and connection.  Those athletes did not get shaken and thankfully the plan was not designed for one but for a team.  So yes there was that pause, just like there was that silent moment and the flags flying at half-mask, that crack in everything that adds  depth and reality.  Personally I liked that things did not go off without a reminder that all is not perfect in our world.  Yet there is much to be celebrated, much to be enjoyed and with all of that the Games will go on!!!  Even without the snow – these Games will go on.  There will be many amazing moments and personally I think Canada will shine not just through it’s greatest but even in it’s imperfections.  That really is life and something I think worth celebrating!!!

So let the Games begin!!

Life Experiences

Back Online

I am just returning from a wonderful yoga retreat down in Mexico.  I haven’t been online or in touch with anyone outside of my other yogis for over seven days.  The retreat center does not have electricity in any of the open air living spaces and recommends  ‘disconnecting’ for the time you are there.  Last year I went and packed as many batteries and power packs as possible for fear that I would need to get online, watch a show or call someone.  I didn’t and it was great!  This year my bags were lighter without all the extra power cells and once again I loved being disconnected.

Of course that also meant no blogging.  So now I am back sitting in the airport on my way to an event in Calgary.  I downloaded the mess of email that had collected over the week and I will eventually get back to all of that.  But I wanted to blog before the ‘high’ from a week of healthy eating and lots of yoga wears off.

Some might be thinking that after a week of yoga I most really be loose, flexible and enlightened.  However, that is not yet the case.  I have made progress in my yoga but honestly I am likely never to be someone who looks or acts very ‘yoga’ like.  I am too paranoid, direct and hyperactive for a total transformation.  Still I am discovering some wonderful aspects of breathing and aligning through yoga.

Our group was quite the spectrum of people.  Most of us were coming from Montana and following our yogi master, Jodi Petlin.  We had beginner beginners, various injured folks, some immediate folks and some advanced beginners.  We also had folks who had never gone a day without an expresso or a burger and the food at Harmara is glutten-free, meat free, mostly vegetarian and no sugar. We were not the typical group that came for a yoga week.  Yet I loved the contrast, the ‘realness’ and the opportunity to watch a master (Jodi) deal with such a range and still manage to give each of us a path for advancing our own practice.

Of course I had my moments of trying too hard, forcing my body into poses without breath and forgetting this was suppose to be fun and relaxing.  I also had some wonderful moments of doing something I did not think I could (a headstand and backbend); laughing through a mediation (a full body laugh that felt great!), making new friends with folks who are part of my community back home as well as connecting on a deeper level with friends who had joined us for the week.

The time was rich and yes I would love to linger in the mellowness that was a part of being disconnected and offline.  But just like yoga is a practice that is designed to impact my day not just the one or two hours I am practicing.  This past week shouldn’t really be about staying offline or out of the choas, it should be about being calmer and more relaxed diving right back in.  I will let you know how it goes!!  For now I will breath and go get on a plane!!

Life Experiences, Vision

Hanging on To The Fire Hose!

I feel like 2010 is starting out a bit like a fire hose and I am trying to keep control without much success.  When I have had a chance to sit down to blog I have found my mind too busy to focus on any one subject long enough to write.  Sure I could tell you about the current Bailey challenges.  However, a dog’s digestive tract just doesn’t seem like a topic worth sharing.  There have been some really positive things happening.  We found an excellent trainer and are regularly going to class as well as puppy and dog social hours.  This has been time well spent because Bailey is enjoying a great variety of dogs of all ages and sizes and we are getting trained along the way.

Then there’s work which is picking up.  We had an excellent session with a team we had not been with for a while.  They have done some great work building cohesion and clarity based on some of the original work we did.  It’s neat to see what folks do with what they have learned!!  Now we are prepping for a much larger group.  Shortly we’ll be presenting in front of a group of 150 financial folks.  This will be bit more challenging because there is more of a speaker element to the day and we will be talking more to leaders then to teams.  I like the challenge and of course with anything new there is some anxiety.

Then there’s the Board that I am on for the school I am a part of here in Whitefish.  Last year was a year of significant transition for the school and though I think we did a good job of shifting from a founder as leader to a broader group of folks leading,  we are still dealing with some transition issues.  The founder hasn’t found the shift easy and there’s tensions that have yet to resolve.  Because the school is a centered around a spiritual community and focus there is a belief that the issues are somehow unique.  I am not so sure about that.  Basically the hardest issues the school faces seem pretty much the same as any business I have worked with – breakdowns in communication and silo’s activity that slows down overall progress.

Of course I also am trying to stay enagged in the various activities happening at The Haven.  As part of the core faculty there I like to stay as informed as possible.  I love the times that I am there leading programs.  Over five years ago The Haven went through it’s on transition as Ben and Jock stepped away from being involved in day to day operations.  That transiton was very difficult for me because The Haven was more family then buisness.  I struggled with the shift and at one point pulled way back. I have reengaged though not quite at the same level.  Some of that is because I moved to Montana and I am not at The Haven as much or in contact with folks who are there as frequently.  Some of it is because I have become more enagged in the community out here and don’t have the band width to stay fully present in both worlds.

So my life is busy.  I have no doubt everyone goes through their own version of juggling what’s most important in their lives.  It’s not easy to keep a healthy balance.

I do have a image in my mind of trying to control a fire hose with the water turned on full force.  Right now I feel like the hose is whipping around in too mnay directions.  I either need to get a firmer grip on the hose to control the flow or I need to expand the hose so the water has more room to flow.

Next week I’ll be offline at a yoga retreat. Lots of time to figure out which way I want to go!