I realize it has been a long time since I last posted a blog. My last posting was in route to Portland to sit with my dear friend Jennifer and be with friends and her family. I doubt that I intended to stop writing until after Jennifer died; however, it seems that is what has happened. Jennifer died on August 28th. Still I have yet to start writing again.
The weeks since my visit have been extremely busy. I came home too opening night of The Nerd, our new local theater group’s summer production. CrisMarie was the female lead. The show ran for two long weekends. CrisMarie was awesome. We had family and friends through most of the run. I found myself totally caught up in entertaining, watching and supporting CrisMarie in her first major role.
In some ways it was odd because my heart was still heavy and I was very aware of jumping from one experience into quite a different one. Of course isn’t that how life usually goes.
Even now the show seems like a distant event. Because of the commitment CrisMarie made to fully participating in summer theater our work schedule was repositioned to take off just after the lights went down and the stage was dismantled. Plus with CrisMarie so alive and engaged I truly believe new doors and opportunities opened as a result. So now we have some very challenging and creative work engagements that are demanding and leaving very little space for dwelling or sentimentalizing about anything.
Again isn’t that the way life goes. If I want to live fully, with the brakes off, well there isn’t a lot of time for holding on to anything too long.
Life simply moves on.
Something sad happens. Something wonderful happens. I get engaged in work, in play, in whatever/whoever shows up that day. In many ways that works for me.
But today I am aware of just how busy I have been. There’s a frog that has settled in my throat and a tightness in my chest. Partially I am tired. I think also I am sad. There are many feelings that are running through. Some have been easier to let flow, others seem to get a little backed up.
I am hoping simply sharing something will bring me back to blogging and even feeling some of the lingering emotions that may be harder to let flow through. I think I stopped blogging (and likely feeling) because i thought somehow that would keep Jennifer with me longer.
Odd, the things we do to hold. I know when I have cried my connection to Jennifer has been the closest. However, with the tears has come the awareness that indeed she is gone. I can not hold on.
Life goes on.